Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
is this meant to be or am I just afraid of being alone? - SUPER LONG
This is going to be long...and I appoligize. I just dont know what to do with life right now and I dont feel I have anyone to turn to right now.
My husband and I met when I was 20 & he was 28. We were engaged within 2 yrs, married a year later and been married for 2.5 years now. After we got married we talked about trying for a baby. We decided not to put pressure on ourselves and to just have fun. A year later I was still not pregnant and it started to really take a toll on me emotionally. I began to be bitter to our friends who were announcing their pregnancy's and even avoiding social situations with people because I couldn't handle one more person asking us when we were going to have kids. I finally went to talk to my dr about it - after running a few simple tests the dr told me that I had a high probability of not being able to get pregnant. It stung like hell to hear that - but he offered to run a few more tests to dive into it a little more. I decided to think about it before moving forward with it - I didn't think i was ready to face the reality that I may never be a mom. Within days of this - my husband lost his job & I was soon out of a job as well. We chalked it all up to the universe telling us it wasn't the right time for kids - so we decided against the testing and figured we'd just enjoy life together & revisit it later down the road. I was lucky enough to find a job quickly - but my husband remained unemployeed until just a few months ago.
2 months after being told I probably couldn't have children - I found out I was pregnant. It came as a huge shock to both of us to say the least. Before I was seen by my dr for my pregnancy I had symptoms of a miscarriage. My husband and I went to the ER - they did an ultrasound - and there on the screen...flickered TWO heartbeats. Drs confirmed that they were happy and healthy and left us with a lot to process mentally.
To the rest of the world - my husband appeared to be a overly excited father-to-be. But as my pregnancy went on my husband was more and more distant from me and I made excuses for him. I was too focused on me and keeping the babies healthy and inside me for as long as possible (twins have a high rate of being premature) that I let him slide on so many things- and looking back..i cant believe I did. He only went to a handful of my drs appointments, would let me be alone at home doing everything myself 98% of the time when I clearly should of not been cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. Then when I would mention to him that doing all of that would make me tired or feel sick or like I was going to faint or it hurt my body - he would say "then stop doing it". Whenever I asked him to rub my back or do something to make me feel better...he would make a joke and walk away or change the subject. He would get upset with me when I'd cry for no reason or over something silly. But again - I let him slide on it all. I let him leave me alone. and I let him ignore me & my needs. I would make excuses for him and chalk it all up to him being nervous about the girls coming & saying that he'd come around eventually.
I went into labor 1.5 weeks before my scheduled C- Section at 5am. I woke him up tell him and he jumped out of bed and was ready to go...was practically running out the door. Finally! I was so excited that he finally showed he was excited for the girls to arrive. Maybe I was right..he was just scared...but now hes ready! So off to the hospital we go - after he put on his song and dance for the intake nurses showing his excitement and joy - he turned into a moody, quiet, distant person again. I was doing everything I could to calm myself down before my csection & coming to the realization that I was finally going to meet the two little princesses inside my stomach - that I again ignored it. Fast forward - I have the girls - we are in the recovery room ooh'ing and ahhh'ing over our girls. we find out that one of our girls has a birth defect and needed to be taken to the NICU. He spent his day with her and I spent my day with the other one. That night they transferred our NICU baby to another hospital in our area that was more capable of dealing with her problem. He of course went with her - leaving me alone with the other. I hoped he would come back after he got her settled at the new hospital so that I wasn't alone..but instead he went home. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days. During that time I barely saw him. He would stop by for maybe half hour each day. But I kept telling myself it was because he needed to spend all his time at the other hospital since I couldn't be there.
My NICU baby was in the hospital for 4 weeks. Everyday we would go to see her - but after about 2 weeks he would find excuses not to go. (Work, errands, etc) I knew he was sick of going and not being able to bring her home..and I understood that. So I again...let him slide. After getting her home for a few weeks I still felt like he was distant and avoiding me and the girls. He was of no help. I would spend all day with them, then wake up with them during the night - and when he should of been home he'd find reasons to go out to see friends or run errands. One night I finally got fed up and called him out on it - we ended up having a huge fight - but we vowed to work through it. the next week or so I saw improvement. Not 100% - but I figured we'd have to take babysteps. I still got the feeling he was hiding something or holding something back.
As I thought about situations and conversations that we've had together & while with friends...something clicked. I became suspicious of him & a girl that was in our social circle. But wrote it off because she was with someone. Turns out- I shouldn't have written it off. The two of them had been having a inappropriate relationship via text msg. They claim that they never physically did anything and that it was just text msgs and her sending photos (girl might as well been posing for hustler!) & apparently it had been going on for 3-4 months. I was livid. I was ready to end our relationship. But then i remembered we have two little girls. I didn't want them to come from a broken home. I ended up telling my husband to leave for a few weeks while we worked through things. My mom would watch the girls for me and each night we'd get together and talk about things. Some days were better than others. Somedays I rediscovered the spark we had when we met. Other days I was ready to draw up the divorce papers.
After 2 weeks he moved back home. He was helpful and kind and loving. He was being the man that I knew he could be and the greatest father in the world to our girls. We were taking time to be "us" again and our sex life was better then I could ever remember (something we lost even before we conceived our girls).
Its been a month since then - life has been pretty good. but im starting to have doubt. Did I let him slide..again? Am i just willing to put up with this because I dont want to raise two kids on my own? What if he thinks he can do this again since I let him come back? I'm just full of doubt and uncertainty. What if he's just playing the role to keep me happy? Ugh. Any help for my ridiculous life?
Re: is this meant to be or am I just afraid of being alone? - SUPER LONG
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He was an ass for your entire PG, they are claiming only about 4 months of an affair. I call BS that they never did anything but text. He was out all the time. He left his PG wife at home alone, his daughter in the NICU and is still lying about what happened. What a Prince.
Being a mom is hard, being a single mom is even harder but giving your daughters the knowledge that you do not put up with a POS is worth it.
If you want to try and maybe save this go to counseling and see if you can. I think your H is lacking in morals and character. You can't really fix that.
He sounds like my xH -- whenever something happened, where there was a crisis, he was not very involved -- almost like a "silent partner." I did not marry for that -- and you did not marry to have an irresponsible H that cannot stand by you in a crisis of any kind.
For the inappropriate relationship alone, he needs to be shown the door. The worm is in the apple here.
I do not think this guy is marriage material for anyone. You need a guy with a stronger spine than this, and a great deal more of devotion and maturity than this.
You don't want your kids to come from a broken home, true -- but you also do not want your kids to come from a home where there is an unstable unhealthy relationship -- you also want them to see that they have a dependable dad who can be counted upon when things go bad.
See a counselor on your own -- I don't know if you are interested in pursuing a marriage with him --- you've gone through hell and high water; for that alone, you need a counselor. Wishing you luck.
I know a lot of people would disagree with me but, if your relationship has always been good and strong up until somewhat recently, I'd give your husband another chance (if it were me). It's not okay and it's not an excuse, but you were both going through very stressful times and that can cause people to act very out of character.
Counseling, yes! You both need to understand what went wrong...why he behaved the way he did, why you didn't call him on it...and what can be done for the future to keep things on track.
And know that you and your precious babies WILL be okay regardless of if you decide to stay in this relationship or not. Don't ever stay just because you feel you don't have any other choice. My well wishes and sympathies are with you.
Sex feels good now...because it's sort of forbidden. Deep down, you know you shouldn't be having sex with him, that's why it's hot.
Yes, you let him off too easy.
Show him the door, file, and get tested.
ETA: Kids would rather be FROM a broken home than live IN one.
And having twins to take care of is only going to amplify all of the issues in your marriage, not improve them. Get to counseling and see if he is truly interested in changing... if he doesn't work hard at your relationship and being a strong partner to you... as a child of a "broken home", I wish they would have separated earlier and just been happy. Being happy whether you are with your now husband or someone else is more important than not coming from a broken home where they will repeat every dysfunction when they grow up in their relationships.
I think you are afraid of being alone.