Trouble in Paradise
tlcierny
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband called me a c**t, b**ch, sl*t
Background info: My husband and I have been married for almost 2.5 years now. We've been in couples therapy for nearly 2 years, and were in therapy prior to getting married (our pre-marital couples counselor actually fired us saying she coudln't help). Our current therapist had us both agree this past Tuesday to stop drinking for 2 weeks to see if we could actually stand each other sober. We both agreed, after the events of last week, when he called me a slut, cunt, worthless bitch, I slapped him at some point, then he followed me to the porch, where I'd gone to cry, to tell me how I spread my legs for anyone who walks by, and how I have no respect for myself because no one taught me to respect my body when I was a teenager. I walked out, and over the course of an hour he called 11 times, left 6 voicemails, then sent me a text of our back porch where he said he'd "made a picnic, because he loves me, and would I please come home."
This is not the first time he's called me a slut/whore/cunt/bitch/etc. He accused me of cheating 2 weeks ago (I'm not, nor will I ever because of family history with cheating) with a coworker. This week I put on lipstick when I went to work, and he accused me of putting it on for that coworker, whom, I informed him, I knew wasn't even in that day at work. DH was chagrined at that.
Last night, I heard the pop of a bottle, thought to myself, no way, he COULDN'T be drinking, and went to find him. Couldn't find him in the house, so I called his phone, it ringed in the living room. He came inside and I smelled beer on his breath. He said he'd had one, and I couldn't believe it. I told him how he was disrespecting the work our therapist was having us do, that he broke a promise to me, and would he please pour the rest out. He refused, so I reached for the door and said I'd go pour it out myself. He lunged for the door and I put a hand out and said "If you lay one finger on me, I will scream and call the police." This is when he proceeded to call me a f*cking cunt, bitch, and a piece of shit (he'd called me worthless earlier in the week, again not for the first time). Walked outside where he had drank not one but THREE beers, so he lied to me. He then continued to rant about how terrible I was, how *I* was the problem, not him, and that alcohol wasn't the problem.
Two weeks ago, we moved into a new apartment. Today, I informed him we were separated, officially, and he would sleep in the guest room and we would discuss it in therapy. He asked why I was doing this, (um, hello, duh.) and then said I brought it upon myself with my actions (pouring his beer out and threatening to call the cops). Then said if I hadn't nagged him and acted like a mother, none of this would have happened. Logistically, I don't even know how I'd go about moving out and getting a new apartment, 2 weeks after our current lease began. Any advice? I don't have any family in the area, and all of my friends have 1 bedroom apts (live in the city). Have any of you "separated" while still living in the house with DH? 2 years of therapy, and there's no improvement. Rent is $2000, so there's no way either of us could afford the rent on our own if one of us moved out.
Re: Husband called me a c**t, b**ch, sl*t
No idea why you two have tried this long.
I don't know if you have a lease but if the lease is in his name, you are free to go. I believe he will be stuck with the lease and everything that goes with it.
Get rid of him.
Get yourself to AA and protect your assets.
And get to AA TODAY. No arguments, no excuses.
When that is done, go see an attorney and file; move out as soon as you can. You do not even have to tell him you are going --- do not tell him you are leaving -- file and he will be served. He can figure it out by himself when the time comes
Get your cell phone number changed before you go; do NOT give him the number or tell him where you are.
Go home to your parents, get a place by yourself, go to a women's shelter go anywhere but stay with him. Get sober on your own; you don't need a drunk to fook up the process ---the faster you are rid of him the better off you will be.
And no. You never should have married him. I am interested in hearing why a relationship shot to shit with problems was a good bet for marriage.
Get out, get out, get out!!! At any cost. He is incredibly verbally abusive on multiple occasions and then accuses you of cheating...because you put lipstick on? Seriously? WTF? This is not normal. This is not okay. Not in any way. You all have already tried counseling for two years. He will not change EVER.
And if you won't listen to us like you didn't listen to that first pre-marital counselor who tried to warn you both...then please at least use multiple forms of birth control at all times. Do not bring an innocent child into this nightmare.
I just ended my 4.5 year marriage and we were in and out of counseling the entire time-- we even went to per-marital counseling. Like you, my husband called me a bitch, stupid, fat, psycho, etc, etc. I can't believe I ever stayed with anyone who would speak to me that way... but I was so broken by his verbal/emotional abuse that I didn't have the strength to leave for a long time.
I filed for divorce in Dec and we lived together (with our two toddlers) until June. Our divorce was final in July. It's doable, but you need to have a place to go (family, friends) in case things get heated. We managed to keep it civil most of the time, but every once in a while (usually when the agreement was returned for negotiations from one lawyer the other) things would get nasty and one of us would need to get out for a while.
Good luck!
I just ended my 4.5 year marriage and we were in and out of counseling the entire time-- we even went to per-marital counseling. Like you, my husband called me a bitch, stupid, fat, psycho, etc, etc. I can't believe I ever stayed with anyone who would speak to me that way... but I was so broken by his verbal/emotional abuse that I didn't have the strength to leave for a long time.
I filed for divorce in Dec and we lived together (with our two toddlers) until June. Our divorce was final in July. It's doable, but you need to have a place to go (sleep on the floor in your friends' apartments if you have to) in case things get heated. We managed to keep it civil most of the time, but every once in a while (usually when the agreement was returned for negotiations from one lawyer the other) things would get nasty and one of us would need to get out for a while.
Good luck!
And if the drinking was going on before they were married -- which it probably was -- even worse still.
It amazes me that nobody at all they consulted with told the both of them to get to AA.
Step 1: Find out if your name is on the lease. If it's not, immediately go to step 3.
Step 2: If your name is on the lease, find a subletter for your half of the rent and tell your H (in writing) that you are leaving and that you have found a willing subletter to split your half of the rent with him. (This removes your legal obligation to continue paying rent on the apartment. If he refuses a roommate, he's effectively agreed to pay your half of the rent.)
Step 3: Rent an apartment for yourself. If you cannot afford your own place, get a place with roommates. Even random roommates are better than your drunk, abusive H.
Step 4: Stop drinking, and get to AA. No excuses.
Step 5: File for divorce.
Step 6: Begin individual therapy to help you understand your own issues with alcoholism and self worth. No self respecting woman would stay in that relationship.
You need to leave your H immediately. A healthy, meaningful marriage is made up of four things:
1) Love
2) Trust
3) Mutual Respect
4) Long-term Compatibility
Your H doesn't trust you. And you can't trust him to keep his promises. It doesn't sound like you have a ton of respect for him, and he absolutely POSITIVELY doesn't have a shred of respect for you. Any man who speaks to a woman like that is an abusive animal with no respect. You can be angry and fight without calling each other names or cursing at each other...his use of those very demeaning words only demonstrate his lack of respect for you.
It sounds like all you might have is love, and even that is a HUGE stretch.
RUN, don't walk, out of this relationship.
Did he drive you to the absolute end point, at which you slapped him?
He sounds ridiculously abusive
Any advice? I don't have any family in the area, and all of my friends have 1 bedroom apts (live in the city). Have any of you "separated" while still living in the house with DH? 2 years of therapy, and there's no improvement. Rent is $2000, so there's no way either of us could afford the rent on our own if one of us moved out.
Go to a women's shelter! Stay there until you can figure out what you want to do and where you will be living...and you're concerned about what HE can afford? Eff what he can afford and eff him, while yer at it.
You do not need to live in the area. Wherever your family is: return there. And when you get there, file: alcoholism is a dealbreaker, as is abuse.
The sooner he is history the better off you will be.
And get to AA right now --- there are meetings everywhere, at any time of day or evening.