I spied on my husband...

brinaroze

We've been married for two years now, and our first baby was born in January. He loves his daughter, but he has a difficult time being a parent. She's fussy with him and it's not as easy as he thought it would be. I usually work evenings, and on nights when he's home he's supposed to take care of her. For a while, there, he'd end up asking my mom to take her because he couldn't handle a whole 8-hour shift alone.

Anyway, things started to feel really weak between us. I was having a hard time keeping up with housework, grocery shopping, and motherhood after I went back to work from maternity leave. Our sex life wasn't that great either. It hurt every time we'd try and I'd end up crying. This frustrated him. We started resenting each other, but we never fought. (He refuses to fight with me.) We just started drifting apart.

So one day he left for the afternoon and his laptop was open. He was still logged into Facebook. I looked at his messages. He was messaging this female friend of ours and it was a little too flirty for me. Made me feel like there was possibly something going on between them. Facebook led to looking at his emails and his Craigslist account. I'm ashamed of what I did, but I found a personal ad he placed on Craigslist in May. And he's been messaging a woman. He's also on some site called "MeetMe.com".

I don't know what to do. If I talk to him about it, I have to admit that I invaded his privacy. But if I don't, he may be cheating on me. I know I shouldn't have looked, but he's just so closed up and doesn't talk about anything important with me.

TarponMonoxide

Anyway, things started to feel really weak between us. I was having a hard time keeping up with housework, grocery shopping, and motherhood after I went back to work from maternity leave. Our sex life wasn't that great either. It hurt every time we'd try and I'd end up crying. This frustrated him. We started resenting each other, but we never fought. (He refuses to fight with me.) We just started drifting apart.

When you were having a tough time with daily duties, why wasn't he pitching in? And if he was,why wasn't he doing more?

See a doc about possible hormone problems.  Maybe you still have them out of flux after that baby's arrived.

Show him the door. He has no business with meetme.com or placing personal ads on craigslist. This is cheating; sorry.

Get tested and make sure he gets out. UGH. And you and the kiddo stay safe. GL.

Sillygirl45

So, he's cheating on you and it's your fault you found out? Um,no. This is his fault for being an ass.

You need to confront him and do not apologize for "snooping". Obviously you had good reason.  

PrincessVegan

I think you can still approach him about if there is another woman without confessing that you looked through his computer. Call it a hunch. 

dalm0m

You gotta talk to him.  Yeah spying wasn't the best option but since you hit "pay dirt" you have to clear the air.  Don't lett him turn it back on you.  Hopefully it was just inappropriate cyber contact & nothing more but don't yell.  Calmly try to discuss what you can do toegther to put your family back on track. 

Disneygeek77

Damn stop beating yourself up. Your gut was telling something was wrong. You havenothing to feel bad about. Stop focusing on the " snooping" and focus on the fact that your husband was trying to hook up with strangers

cloudymeatballs

Who give a crap that you snooped. Your gut was telling you something and you found something out...  He has no right at all to be trying to MEET anybody.  You are married and people go thru problems.  You are a working mother who cannot do everything yourself.  He really should have been helping you more.  Talk to him.  Go ahead and tell him how you found out.  You have every right to know what is goin on in your marriage.  I'm sure he will try to make you feel guilty. 

You need to talk with him.  He was looking into cheating, if not already.  Not cool at all!!! ;( 

TarponMonoxide

Personally I'd take screen shots of every single thing I've found and use it for evidence for adultery.

Get rid of this bum.

doglove

I'm with Disneygeek.

loves2shop4shoes

He won't communicate with you.

He won't be supportive of you.

He can't even babysit his OWN daughter while you work.

And now he's cheating on you?

Show him the door.  And get tested.

Leftie22

So you're working, caring for your daughter, doing housework, grocery shopping and cooking, and he can't handle taking care of his own kid and gets your mom to do it?? This isn't fair. And it really sucks that he's getting frustrated with you about sex being painful. I mean, sure he misses sex, but why take it out on your when you're the one who's also in pain? It's not like you wanted that to happen! You need to talk to him about what he's been doing, and don't let him turn it into something about you invading his privacy. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think a lot of people underestimate now hard the first year with a baby is, and you really need to stick together and support each other. It sounds Iike he's not doing that at all. And it does get better with kids, I swear. I found once my son was one it started getting a lot easier, and he got a lot more independent. I'm sorry you're going through this.

brinaroze

Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to take it to heart and figure out what to say to him.

brittanymclark

No need to feel sorry for snooping. You had every right to, as he has every right to snoop on you. However, you both should be able to see each other's phones and be open, honest and transparent. I think you should confront him, and hopefully just have a conversation about your needs and his needs, and just tell each other how you feel.

flounder31

Disneygeek77 said:

Damn stop beating yourself up. Your gut was telling something was wrong. You havenothing to feel bad about. Stop focusing on the " snooping" and focus on the fact that your husband was trying to hook up with strangers

THIS!  You were snooping because he made you suspicious.  Call him out.  p.s. when you do call him out, he is going to try to shame you for snooping to take the heat off of him.  DON'T let him do that!

cloudymeatballs

 

brinaroze said:

Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to take it to heart and figure out what to say to him.

Sooooo, what happened??!!??  Did you end up talking with him about this?  What was his response?  Let us know..   Hope it went well

+just+j+

This is how I found out my ex-fi from ten years ago was cheating on me.  I walked out on him. Best damn thing I ever did. According to mutual friends, he hasn't changed.

We didn't have a child involved.

You need to confront him, and then see if it's salvageable.  If I had a child with my ex-fi, I would have still left. Cheating is just a deal breaker for me and I don't want my child to think it's okay.  And kids are not stupid. At some point they will figure it out.

Your call, but he broke your marital vows.  You need to do something about it.

kasmith1

First of all, hugs. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you have at least one person in your life that you can confide in and really trust it.

Second, I think you need to decide if you want to stay married. Yes, he violated your trust, yes, he may have broken your vows, but you may decide that you can find forgiveness. 

Third, I would suggest talking to a therapist. 

Fourth, definitely keep all the proof that he did what he did. Because if you do decide that you are not wanting to stay married, this is going to be vital to prove why you are moving forward with a divorce.

Fifth, more hugs.

imoan1001

I'd let that other chick have him.  Can't handle a whole 8 hours alone with his kid?  Makes you do all the housework, cooking, grocery shopping?  What IS it that he actually contributes to your life together?

hindsight's_a_biotch

In some ways, marriage is like the criminal justice system. You can go searching people's crap for no reason but if you see something fishy in plain view, you get a warrant.

But I'm with imoan. Instead of beating yourself up about it or wondering what he might be doing, take a look at what he is doing, what's in front of your face. He's been a less than stellar husband and now he's chatting up chicks?

Nope.

cutiepie0104

I know its hard but instill a no Bullshit policy for yourself. Take on issues head on and dont question what the real issue is. The main problem isnt you if you're honest with your feelings. Maybe he has reached out on those sites and to others because he feels he cant talk to you. Confront it head on in a way like " I dont feel like we are how we used to be, is something wrong?" From there you could easily see his point of view.