Dont need advice, Just ranting.. but whatever you wanna add is fine

burybuck0489

I am having a problem with a person who i used to proudly call my best friend..I should start this by informing she is pregnant.. Back in June she up and suddenly stopped speaking to me, cut me out, with no given reason, just completely cut me out. About a week ago, our husbands who had not seen eachother in awhile (busy summer for us both) went out for a few beers and my husband brought it up, and hers said we needed to sit down and talk because i had said something that upset her... so fast forward to this past Thursday, we met at a restaurant and she began by telling me that what hurt her was the fact at a party they threw for her husband a friend leaned in and said she looked tired, and i said "yes hun, you do, you have bags under your eyes"  That's what set her off, she explained i ruined her trust broke her confidence to little bits and she does not think our friendship can rebuild..All because i said she looked tired.

What is really getting to me is the fact everyone we know (mutual friends) all agree she is being a complete psycho, and its her place to come to me and make things right, while my husband has said I should be the one to start fixing what I've done wrong and yet "says" i myself have no reason to be hurt, Um hello? i did nothing wrong, i said she looked tired...she ended a friendship with no reason and i shouldn't be hurt?.. So lets total this up shall we?

I tell her she looks tired + she ignores me, cuts me out for 5 months + its now my fault somehow to fix this = a totally stupid situation in which somehow its my fault and i was not considering her pregnancy hormones. 

I think i'm just most hurt that the fact everyone except my own husband does not even have my back, but says i should be more sensitive towards her and that he feels i need to fix this and whatnot. 

Disneygeek77

Hmm that is odd. Is she really sensitive about her looks or having dark circles / bagsunder her eyes. Was she really not tired at all and maybe just didnt do her make up right .

I think it was the bags comment that hurt her feelings. Generally it is never polite to comment on someone's looks like it is never polite to comment on someone's weight. As someone who is sensitive about dark circles under her eyes, I can see how her feelings were hurt. Now I think her reaction was extreme, but it would be nice if you were to apologize for the bags under the eyes comment because that wasn't a nice thing to say.

Again I don't think it was because you said she was tired it was because you insulted the way she looked.

MLE2010

So, is your H sleeping with her?

I'd be focused on the fact that your H is more worried about her and her feelings than on you. Also, never say ANYTHING about how a person looks PG or not. But, still she is WAY over the top with this.

burybuck0489

I do agree the way i worded it was shit, i should have said "yeah you do" or just not said anything at all, but her and i have a very honest and upfront friendship, and we've seen each other at bests and worst times, and have always been able to speak 100% honest to each other so me making that comment was something i would say to anyone as i have said it plenty times before and its just the way of saying "you look tired"  I am just hurt because my husband cares more about making our friendship work, than checking how his own wife is feeling about it. I get told to "grow up and to quit being a bitch" because i don't feel its my place to "fix" anything.

Disneygeek77

Yeah her reaction is over the top snd I wouldnt blame you if you wanted to end the friendship.

However I believe your comment was rude and by that you did do something wrong. I also think it was in poor taste to tell any mutual friends about what happened.

If you want a clear conscience and peace if you decide to end the friendship, then I would apologize for the rude comment, but again your comment didn't deserve that reaction and she is the one most at fault.

burybuck0489

When she explained what i had done wrong, i apologized and told her that HAD she told me maybe the next day, hell even right after i said it, i would have apologized, simple as that. My husband wants me to try and try to get back to where things were, but do i want a friend who cuts people out when they hurt her feelings? 

The reason i told our mutual friends is because she cut them out as well.. with no given reason..but her reasoning was it is because they are friends with me and she feels they are all exactly like me and a constant reminder of how i hurt her..

Disneygeek77

burybuck0489 said:

I do agree the way i worded it was shit, i should have said "yeah you do" or just not said anything at all, but her and i have a very honest and upfront friendship, and we've seen each other at bests and worst times, and have always been able to speak 100% honest to each other so me making that comment was something i would say to anyone as i have said it plenty times before and its just the way of saying "you look tired"  I am just hurt because my husband cares more about making our friendship work, than checking how his own wife is feeling about it. I get told to "grow up and to quit being a bitch" because i don't feel its my place to "fix" anything.

No you don't have to fix anything but if you know your comment was shit too then you can at least admit that to her. Your husband is being a jerk though.

Disneygeek77

If you already gave her a sincere apology , then you have done all you can and your husband needs to drop it

burybuck0489

When she said what she had been ignoring me for, i immediately apologized and explained that i would never mean to throw her under the bus in such a terrible way, which led her to saying the "our friendship is over etc etc"   My husband's only concern is the fact that we were such great friends (she was my Maid of Honor and gave me away at my wedding)  He feels i am losing a wonderful part of my life as she meant a great deal to me and he does not understand why after this i have easily given up.. he does not seem to believe that she meant the "we cannot be friends" speech..But as I've explained to him, i did not walk out of her life, she made the choice to walk out of mine.

Disneygeek77

You are right this is her choice. Outside of begging and pleading I don't know what more you can do.

Disneygeek77

I wonder has she always been this well... dramatic. Her reaction is just so over the top.

burybuck0489

Um.. at times, but being a good honest friend i have honestly told her when she gets out of line and she respectfully thanks and agrees with me. that's how strong our friendship is, we have no problem talking to each other until this, which i think surprised me most. Last year i prepping for my wedding she was upset because she felt like as my MOH she felt very left out of planning, which led to her husband calling my husband to explain, then my husband complaining to me that i should be trying to include her in more events with wedding planning, i simply said "any other time she has no problem including herself into things so this is no different, but i will talk to her" and i did the next day and we were fine. I didn't ignore her for 5 months i faced the issue and solved the problem.

Disneygeek77

It seems she is used to people fawning over her. That has to be exhausting s nd again I wouldn't blame you for ending the friendship.

Tell your husband you both have grown apart as friends and thst is ok. You want to end the friendship and know you won't regret the decision and you need him to support your decision.

kss20

Is she wrong?  Yeah.  Should she fix things?  Yes.  But do you want to be right or do you want to get past this?  It's really up to you and that's probably all your H is saying.  Guys don't think like women do. They punch each other when they're mad and move on.  He probably just doesn't want to see you upset anymore.  Him telling you to fix things does not equal him saying your wrong.

burybuck0489

I just want my husband to stop trying to force this, she herself said she does not feel the friendship can continue then i will leave it at that, like i said, she walked out from my life, i did not walk out on hers.. I am not "fighting" for a friendship i did not choose to end. My husband just really wants us to work this out because we always hung out as couples and it was fun, he just wants that normality back and is pissed off because im not running to her to try and fix it, She said she doesn't see it working, she walked out, if she ever does see things being "fixed" again, she can come to me. 

Disneygeek77

Well what exactly does he want you to do. You already said you were sorry

flounder31

I'm wondering if you husband is defending her because it effects HIS friendship with HER husband (no more dinners/couple dates)? Not that he's right for this but just a side thought.

burybuck0489

@ Disneygeek - He expects that i should be texting calling and making it normal with us again, showing her i am sorry and that i value her friendship, he says he does not care that she is the one who threw the friendship away, i should be the one to get it back... no sense.

@ Flounder - well he just said he wants it to be normal again and thinks if he trys to force me to fix it, that it will automatically be good again. He refuses to let me give up on a friendship and i believe what you said is exactly why. Her husband is a very intimidating guy, they are best friends but he is a "my buddy says jump so i say how high" 

Disneygeek77

Sorry your husband is being a jerk. I would sit him down and tell him point blank his behavior is unacceptable

Disneygeek77

It is a shame to know that you can't trust him to have your back in this situation and to say you need to grow up and called you a bitch too. It is also sad that if given the choice between you being upset or your crazy friend being upset he would choose upsetting you.

ClaryPax

There is something else going on here don't you think? It was rude to tell her she is tired especially pregnant women don't want to hear that- everyone is telling them that.  But you have apologized and she has not accepted it.  Its OK to move on.  I wonder if she is having a hard pregnancy? 

Leftie22

Do you want to patch things up with this friend, or are you okay with letting it cool off? If you want her to be close again, I'd say suck it up and send a couple of "hey, thinking of you, how's it going?" texts, just to get the ball rolling. If you don't mind letting the friendship drift, just let it go. As for your DH, try to tell him when you're calm sometime that you've done everything you want to do, and you feel like the ball is now in her court. He shouldn't be pushing a relationship on you that you don't want. Tell him you don't mind if he hangs out with her husband, you wish her well and that's where you want to leave it. Good luck!

sapphireblue

Well, your friend is clearly behaving in a really immature, irrational manner. I would have the same question as Leftie22 above....do you WANT to be friends with someone this whiny and trivial?

Unless there is a major piece of the story being left out, she sounds awful. However, if you do want the friendship back, work at it. I would not but obviously I don't have the history with her that you have.

Your H is being pretty bad too. You have lost your best friend, and she is clearly in the wrong, and he is just piling on and making you feel bad about it.

All of that being said, I HATE it when people comment on someone else looking tired. It is a very rude thing to say. Especially to follow up/clarify with specifics such as bags under the eyes. Her reaction is WAY over the top, but you should not have made that comment. 

moonprincessd

HERE is a perfect example of how a man's mind is different from a woman's. YOU went to your husband with a PROBLEM and he tried to FIX it and you didn't like it. 

Men have a fix it mentality (learned all about this is pre-wedding counseling). You went to your husband I'm guessing, venting about a problem. He wants to make you happy and try to FIX the situation so he comes up with a solution. This is not what you wanted, you probably wanted a hug and "it's alright" 

I don't think he's trying to pick a side. He thinks that the easiest way to fix your problem is for you to apologize to your friend. That's all. 

To say you were not at fault here is a lie. You told her she looked tired. This can be seen as an insult and probably hurt your friend. You two need to talk it out if you want the friendship to be fixed. Apologize, say you didn't mean to upset her and hopefully you both can move on.

burybuck0489

Hey ladies, sorry i havent posted an update,  It is safe to say that the friendship we had is clearly over, she herself said that it is, she cannot let someone so hurtful into her life again. So there it is, her husband got pretty upset at her and said that she had better be civil towards me because she is the only one that has the problem and its her own to get over.. So my husband has said that it wont effect their friendship as guys, but he has said that if she can't get over a small comment that her supposed "best" friend made that was not intentional, then she really needs to take a good long look about who she is as a person and decide what kind of friends she wants, honest ones, or the ones that sugar coat things. 

Disneygeek77

Well I wouldn't quite say that keeping the bags under her eyes comment to yourself would be seen as sugsr coating , but you did apologize so you did all you could to repair the friendship. I'm glad your husband has your back now. I have a feeling you won't miss her much.