Unsure of my feelings to H

aspencer72

My H and I have been together for 10 years, married for over 7. We met at our first job out of school, were friends for a year, started dating, then got married back in 2006. When we were in our mid-20s, things were great. We had a fun time together, knew every thing there was to know about the other person, etc. Then we moved to a new city (about 5 years ago now).

I felt like he was kind of pulling away, the only time I ever heard anything about what he was up to when we were apart is when we were out with his friends, and he was telling them stories. He never wanted to talk with me when it was just the two of us. At first, this started causing a lot of problems - I would start fights with him - looking back, I think it was mostly to get a reaction out of him. Then, I realized that my happiness doesn't depend on him, so I started focusing on myself. We are both social people, so I really enjoyed when we were out together with other people. We would have a great time when we were out, I felt more connected with him because he was sharing more about himself with me (even if other people had to be there). And, I was enjoying my time with my friends on my own - we were never the couple that needs to be together all of the time. About a year ago, I found out that when he was at a bachelor party (that was three years ago), he kissed another girl and continued to e-mail with her for almost five months. He promised me that nothing more happened, he showed me all of the e-mails, which while inappropriate because he wanted to be closer with her than with me, were never anything more than them just talking as too close of friends. That night, he told me that he loved me more than he had ever loved me, it was a huge mistake, etc. etc. etc. I forgave him and we worked through it.

For the last month or so, something hasn't felt right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it just didn't. This weekend, he could tell I felt upset about something, and he asked to talk about it. I told him how I felt, and asked if he had cheated again, or what was going on. He told me that he knows he had been pulling away the last month, and the main reason why is because I had gained some weight (not much, either, just 8 pounds, which I had mostly lost by this conversation). He was then starting to realize that for a while, he has had a superficial relationship with me, always thought of me as gorgeous and still does, and for the past month, he has just really been thinking about his feelings about our relationship. Since we are getting to our mid-30s, he knew he had to think about our future - having a family, buying a house, and settling down away from party mode. He told me that the more he thought about it, he knew he just couldn't picture a future without me and is ready to start transitioning to a family life.

This was one of the most confusing conversations I have ever had! Here I am thinking that first he tells me that he isn't as attracted to me because I'm fat (my interpretation, he never said that), then he goes on to tell me that he knows he has been distant and stand-offish with me since we moved, and he doesn't know why, but he wants to have a close relationship with me again.

My feelings are so jumbled right now. On one hand, I think that even if he really means it now, will this feeling really last because a year ago he is telling me that he loves me more than ever, but recently he was thinking he doesn't really like me anymore because I have put on some weight. On the other hand, he is a really analytical guy that is not really emotional, which is ok by me because I am more on the analytical side too. This makes me think that if he has thought this through, and he really does want to change. Part of me wants to run screaming from him because he has not treated me as good as I deserved, but part of me wants to stay and work it out with him.

Obviously this is just my side of the story (and a much shortened version of everything), but I am looking for outside perspectives on this situation. What do you guys think?

Sorry this is so long.

arhayden1

First off good for you guys talking about it and the fact that he brought up talking about it really makes me think that he does want to change things It may be that he has been feeling scared and overwhelemed thinking about the future and the hanges. He may not have purposfully been stand-offish it just resulted from his feelings.

moonprincessd

Guys minds work differently than women. We tend to want to talk about our feelings. Guys tend to want to keep them hidden, which is probably why he appeared distanced. He probably just had a lot of thinking to do. 

I'd try and work it out, maybe see a marriage counselor. If things don't change in a year or so, then it might be time for the two of you to move on.

loves2shop4shoes

I think you all need some serious couples counseling.

It sounds like maybe you were better suited to each other when you were younger, but not now as adults.

Also, idk how you moved past the emotional affair so easily.  That'd be a deal breaker for me.

TarponMonoxide

As you know, this is bad news:

About a year ago, I found out that when he was at a bachelor party (that was three years ago), he kissed another girl and continued to e-mail with her for almost five months.

And to put the onus on you because of your weight (which I doubt very much if you are gargantuan) is childish and just plain wrong.

I think you need to show him out because of the inappropriate relationship with another woman.  he's already got cheating on his mind and the "conversations" are bad news because he is NOT supposed to be emailing another woman, period.

Decide what is right for you and decide where you want to go on this. Put yourself first. GL.

aspencer72

Thanks, everyone for the responses. Obviously there's a lot more to it than just what is in here (especially around the emotional cheating part). It's nice to get uninvolved opinions to make sure my emotions aren't skewing my thoughts too much.

cinderin

It is hard to tell from your post about your specific relationship with your DH, but I wanted to share some personal experience.

I honestly believe there is some truth to the "seven year itch" saying. DH went through a hard time in our seventh year of marriage. There wasn't any cheating, but it was a tough year for us. My DH was kind of coming to terms with being an "adult" or "old". I think a lot of it had to do with things similar to what you are talking about - starting a family, leaving a more carefree/youthful (we were never really "partiers") time behind. Maybe a bit of a "mid-life crisis"? 

What worked for us was counseling (make sure to find someone *good*), lots of talking and talking and talking, we also spent a lot of time together (went on "dates"). 

ReturnOfKuus

So he's a cheater and he's shallow.  Doesn't sound like much of a catch.

loves2shop4shoes

ReturnOfKuus said:

So he's a cheater and he's shallow.  Doesn't sound like much of a catch.

Seriously.  Deep as a puddle, that one.

Leftie22

It sounds a little suspicious to me, like you caught him off guard and he just came up with something on the spot. He was pulling away because you gained 8 pounds, and because he was realizing he wants to move to the next level with you? That doesn't make any sense to me, which is why I suspect he's BSing you to buy time or distract you from something else. All I can say is that children make a relationship so much harder. If you have issues, they exacerbate those issues. You don't want to move to a family life with him until you're stable and happy in your current life. If you can't get there, you definitely don't want to bring kids into the mix. Only you can decide what to do, but he sounds shady to me, and saying he was distant because of your very minor weight gain is just insulting, shallow and blaming. He does know if you had kids, your body would change, right? And if you grow old together, you're going to get wrinkles and grey hair? Is he going to be distant because of that? Weird.