Re-Building

mrsakbennett

My husband and I are going through a real rough patch right now and are going through marriage counseling and also have started The Love Dare/Fireproof Marriage program. We have both agreed that we want to do everything in our power to stay together and that if in the end we end up splitting it won't be because we didn't put up the best fight we each could muster. What I'm struggling with is an indiscretion I had before we decided to enter into the rebuild together. I had a online relationship with another man and told my husband about it, afterward I promptly ended the relationship. However, I have also seen two other men. I went on a date with one and we kissed and the other I dated and slept with once. I have since stopped seeing these other two men and stopped all communications between them and myself. I question whether or not I should tell my husband about them. Should I let them go from my mind and put all of my focus into my marriage or should I tell him, knowing that it would break his heart so much that it may permanently destroy our relationship and our marriage? The weight of this on my mind grows heavier every day and I don't know what to do anymore. I love my husband and I only want to be with him. Please help, any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

kss20

You're probably not going to like what I say, but here it goes.

First of all, how would you feel?  Would you want to know if the situation was reversed?  I know if it were me, I would want to know.  Second of all, I think he deserves to know and make the decision for himself about whether he wants to waste more time on you.  It sounds like he has been working so hard to fix your marriage and he doesn't even know how hard you worked to destroy it.  If you tell him it might ruin your marriage (and in my opinion it should end it), but you should have thought of that before you stepped out on him.  If you loved him SO VERY much, you wouldn't have cheated on him with not one, not two, but three different men. 

 

He deserves better than you.

mrsakbennett

kss20 said:

You're probably not going to like what I say, but here it goes.

First of all, how would you feel?  Would you want to know if the situation was reversed?  I know if it were me, I would want to know.  Second of all, I think he deserves to know and make the decision for himself about whether he wants to waste more time on you.  It sounds like he has been working so hard to fix your marriage and he doesn't even know how hard you worked to destroy it.  If you tell him it might ruin your marriage (and in my opinion it should end it), but you should have thought of that before you stepped out on him.  If you loved him SO VERY much, you wouldn't have cheated on him with not one, not two, but three different men. 

 

He deserves better than you.

So sorry, I guess I left out the part about him not touching me since last November and him cheating on me and his drug addiction for the first two years of our marriage. Maybe we don't deserve each other then.

MLE2010

I wouldn't waste anymore time trying to fix something that was broken before it even started.

lennyandthomas

IMHO, you won't be able to move on and move forward personally or in your marriage unless everything is out on the table. I'm not sure counseling works unless you are both open and honest. Part of the process of counseling is exploring ALL the issues, not just sweeping some under the rug and pretending they never happened. You need to get past your own guilt or it will continue to weigh heavy on you and a good way to do that is to be honest.

Being truthful about this might be the end of your relationship, but he has the right to decide if he wants to continue to fight the good fight and if this is something he can move past, just like you do with his past behavior. 

Hope this helps.

Sillygirl45

mrsakbennett said:

kss20 said:

You're probably not going to like what I say, but here it goes.

First of all, how would you feel?  Would you want to know if the situation was reversed?  I know if it were me, I would want to know.  Second of all, I think he deserves to know and make the decision for himself about whether he wants to waste more time on you.  It sounds like he has been working so hard to fix your marriage and he doesn't even know how hard you worked to destroy it.  If you tell him it might ruin your marriage (and in my opinion it should end it), but you should have thought of that before you stepped out on him.  If you loved him SO VERY much, you wouldn't have cheated on him with not one, not two, but three different men. 

 

He deserves better than you.

So sorry, I guess I left out the part about him not touching me since last November and him cheating on me and his drug addiction for the first two years of our marriage. Maybe we don't deserve each other then.

None of which gives you a free pass to cheat. It gives you good reason to leave, but that's not what you did.

It sounds like you want to tell him to clear your conscience and make yourself feel better, not because it's the right thing to do. 

You have issues if your response to tough times is to cheat not once, but 3 times. I think you need to reevaluate your priorities. Why are you not going to cheat again the next time there's trouble? Maybe you aren't cut out for marriage at this point. 

anssett

There are rare times when I think it's in the better interest of the relationship NOT to disclose cheating. If you made a bad choice once and learned from your mistake and genuinely redirected your efforts to improve your marriage whole-heartedly. In this situation, if telling your spouse after the fact only caused them pain and it wasn't likely to happen again...I could endorse keeping it to yourself. Even then, it depends on all the details, intentions, people, etc. 

You are not in that situation.Your actions show that you don't value fidelity and preserving your relationship so you shouldn't be in one that requires you to be monogamous. If you both like to cheat on each other then have an OPEN RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! There are other people who ENJOY that. People who thrive in that type of relationship. You are likely one of them. Don't keep forcing yourselves into a box you don't fit in, hurting each other, then pretending some counseling will fix it all. Now open relationships do require honesty, disclosure, communication, etc. It's not a free for all to screw half your town behind your H's back.

arhayden1

Lying by omission is still LYING!!!! This is never ok in relationship if you want it to work. And as PP said put his shoe on your foot he has a right to know. Also as PP said his issues gave you not right to cheat on him-That by the way sounded like you were just trying to justify your scandalous actions which it did not do. Especailly considering this didn't just happen once but 3 times

Leftie22

Yes, you should tell him, otherwise he's not making an informed decision about whether or not to rebuild with you. He has the right to make a decision based on ALL the facts. The fact that he cheated on you doesn't take away that right. And do you really want him to stay with you just because he doesn't know the full story? If you really do love him, show him the respect of telling him the truth, then deal with the consequences. I hope you do the right thing.

Tofumonkey

mrsakbennett said:

kss20 said:

You're probably not going to like what I say, but here it goes.

First of all, how would you feel?  Would you want to know if the situation was reversed?  I know if it were me, I would want to know.  Second of all, I think he deserves to know and make the decision for himself about whether he wants to waste more time on you.  It sounds like he has been working so hard to fix your marriage and he doesn't even know how hard you worked to destroy it.  If you tell him it might ruin your marriage (and in my opinion it should end it), but you should have thought of that before you stepped out on him.  If you loved him SO VERY much, you wouldn't have cheated on him with not one, not two, but three different men. 

 

He deserves better than you.

So sorry, I guess I left out the part about him not touching me since last November and him cheating on me and his drug addiction for the first two years of our marriage. Maybe we don't deserve each other then.

  so why are you trying to salvage this relationship, exactly? Neither of you are prizes.

kss20

I agree with the above.  Neither of you should be in a relationship.  You're clearly much more concerned about yourself than anyone else.

TarponMonoxide

mrsakbennett said:

My husband and I are going through a real rough patch right now and are going through marriage counseling and also have started The Love Dare/Fireproof Marriage program. We have both agreed that we want to do everything in our power to stay together and that if in the end we end up splitting it won't be because we didn't put up the best fight we each could muster. What I'm struggling with is an indiscretion I had before we decided to enter into the rebuild together. I had a online relationship with another man and told my husband about it, afterward I promptly ended the relationship. However, I have also seen two other men. I went on a date with one and we kissed and the other I dated and slept with once. I have since stopped seeing these other two men and stopped all communications between them and myself. I question whether or not I should tell my husband about them. Should I let them go from my mind and put all of my focus into my marriage or should I tell him, knowing that it would break his heart so much that it may permanently destroy our relationship and our marriage? The weight of this on my mind grows heavier every day and I don't know what to do anymore. I love my husband and I only want to be with him. Please help, any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

You know he is going to be furious when he finds out, That might be the end of your "marriage" right there and then.

If you loved your H and only want to be with him, no way in any size shape or form would you have gone near any other man.

Your marriage is already dead and gone because you've emotionally checked out of the marriage. No amount of confessing to your H or counseling or "swearing off other men" will work.

Do your H a favor: File for divorce and make him a free man. He indeed needs somebody and deserves somebody who is a lot better than you.

And when you found out drugs were involved, you should have left on the spot. I'll bet also you never went to AlAnon and he never went to NarcAnon or saw a drug and alcohol counselor, either.

Manther1222

But, your husband also has made bad decisions...if he can't live with yours, why should you live with his?
Why is he more worthy of forgiveness than you?

loves2shop4shoes

I think you should tell him.  If you don't, you're lying by omission for the rest of your relationship...and you can't possibly feel good about that.

Just tell him.  If it works out, it works out.  If it doesn't, at least you didn't continue the relationship on a foundation of lies.