Moms:help.kids getting ready

Luckystar2

Getting dd ready in the morning has always been a challenge. But now trying to make it to the bus is so stressful! Dd has been doing ok but very morning I am on her with do this do that...we only have x amount of time, etc. the first week there was the novelty of it and now this week is worse. Plus she complains about being tired (we are doing the best we can to get her to bed on time). This morning she would not get ready! Kept fighting with her to get dressed. Literally we were trying to put on her socks and shoes for her and she just kicks them off. We made it just as the bus pulls up and she wouldn't go on. Dh had to physically put her on the bus. I'm sure she is crying the whole way and will be upset at school. We do a reward chart. I threaten to take away her new toy that she got for starting K (and I follow through). Nothing works with her. She is just so stubborn. I am so worn down from this all the time, I seriously hate the mornings and want to cry right now (well I have been crying). I'm at my wits end trying to deal with dd. she makes me want to throw my hands up and pull my hair out. Not only is it stressful and frustrating but I feel like it damages our relationship. It's hard not to be downright mad at her. I was SO angry with her this morning. And all of this.makes dh and I mad at each other, etc. UGH!

Luckystar2

Why can I never get paragraph spacing!!

AmandaJLewis

We have had mornings like that with EJ, but so far they tended to be daycare mornings on days I was working from home and she would rather spend the day home with us than be at school. Anyway- this is our normal morning routine.  She is woke up at least an hour before we need to leave. Since the bus comes later than when she would have been taken to daycare she is sometimes up 90 minutes before the bus.  She needs to get dressed and take her medicine before coming down stairs. Once she does that she gets to have a tv show and breakfast.  That gives her time to wake up and offers a reward to getting herself ready. Sometimes some morning cuddling helps too. I am not a morning person and I see how she pushes back to being pushed to be quick. So we try to include time to allow for a more gentle morning for her.  FWIW, she has lights out at 8:30 and wakes up around 7:30.

Luckystar2

Oh I should add that she has usually at least an hour to get ready. I don't want to wake her up too early as she struggles with being tired. If she isn't up I wake her around 6;25 bus is 7:28. We try to get her up to bed around 7:30 and with getting ready and books we leave around 8 or 8:15. But I can't make her sleep so not sure when she actually falls asleep.

Last night was late because we went to parent group which ran late. So I understand she is tired but life happens and some mornings she will be. I just have no idea how to reason with her!!

I like the idea of making her get all ready before she goes down to eat but she definitely prefers eating first so I feel like its picking my battles! Today she ate first. She doesn't get tv in the morning at all. We used to try it as a reward but it ends up backfiring. If I let her watch while she eats, she takes forever. If I let her watch after she is all ready she throws a fit when it's time to shut it off and go.

Luckystar2

And I seriously struggle with feelings of inadequacies as a mother. This does not help! We have been struggling with getting ready in the mornings for 5 years. I'm so sick of things being so difficult. Makes me feel like I clearly suck at parenting!

MrsAmers

You do not suck at parenting. You have a stubborn child who is going through a lot of change. School mornings are annoying, bedtime too. :-)

H wakes up slowly and T wakes up quickly. DH wakes the kids while I'm in the shower and puts a show on for them. When I get out of the shower he pauses the show and they have 10-15 minutes to get dressed. If they take too long, they don't get to finish the show.

We have a list on the wall of what is supposed to happen at what time. Sometimes it helps, though not often.

The hardest part of the morning is once we go downstairs. T is a slow eater, plus the kids have to go back upstairs to brush their teeth after. Then there are shoes, coats, bags, etc.

It is annoying to spend the whole morning reminding them what they should be doing next. My patience is thin and push back drives me batty...but we just keep at it!

lala5507

I always tell dd if she gets ready fast she can watch a show before we leave.  If breakfast is going to long (that kid can stretch a meal out forever) I will set a timer.   Most mornings I feel like a broken record.  Let's go, we're going to be late...

Don't feel like you are doing anything wrong.  Getting kids up and out the door is not a fun task..

Meghan&Rich

Mornings are a struggle for Mason as well.  We have some flexibility since we don't have a bus to catch, but I can't think of a morning that he handled well.  It helps Mason if I continue to walk him through the morning routine. (We're going to get dressed now, and then we are going to go downstairs; We are going to eat breakfast now, and you can watch 1 show; etc.)  I am not a morning person either, so I also try to empathize with him.  Some mornings go better than others, but they are always a struggle. 

Why do you feel inadequate?  Do you expect that one day she'll wake up like "Woo hoo!  Morning's here! Time for school!  Let me rush to get ready and out the door!"?  Do you expect that any one method will work and change how she is in the mornings?  Because personally, I don't think that's realistic, and if that's what your expectations are, then it's no wonder you are frustrated!   You are a good mom, you just have a child who is stubborn and isn't good at mornings!

For me, it's always been about managing my reaction to his resistance vs. trying to control the outcome that I want.  I try to maintain a calm, gentle, and consistent routine, I try not to let him see me get anxious, I don't tell him to hurry up, etc.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes this sucks and I want to scream at the top of my lungs for him to get dressed and out the f'ing door!  But, I find if I really focus on myself and my reaction, it helps - that way, even if we're running late, the levels of frustation and stress don't always get too out of control. Even if it doesn't help him move any faster, it at least helps me to not want to run to the nearest bar by 8am! 

egpitt22

Do you think she would do well with kind of a picture flow chart of some sort, so that she has more control over the situation because someone isn't telling her (at least not verbally) what to do?  You could make a poster board with pictures of what she should do & in what order (get out of bed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, get on shoes/coat, get in car) 

lilly25

Meghan&Rich said:

Mornings are a struggle for Mason as well.  We have some flexibility since we don't have a bus to catch, but I can't think of a morning that he handled well.  It helps Mason if I continue to walk him through the morning routine. (We're going to get dressed now, and then we are going to go downstairs; We are going to eat breakfast now, and you can watch 1 show; etc.)  I am not a morning person either, so I also try to empathize with him.  Some mornings go better than others, but they are always a struggle. 

Why do you feel inadequate?  Do you expect that one day she'll wake up like "Woo hoo!  Morning's here! Time for school!  Let me rush to get ready and out the door!"?  Do you expect that any one method will work and change how she is in the mornings?  Because personally, I don't think that's realistic, and if that's what your expectations are, then it's no wonder you are frustrated!   You are a good mom, you just have a child who is stubborn and isn't good at mornings!

For me, it's always been about managing my reaction to his resistance vs. trying to control the outcome that I want.  I try to maintain a calm, gentle, and consistent routine, I try not to let him see me get anxious, I don't tell him to hurry up, etc.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes this sucks and I want to scream at the top of my lungs for him to get dressed and out the f'ing door!  But, I find if I really focus on myself and my reaction, it helps - that way, even if we're running late, the levels of frustation and stress don't always get too out of control. Even if it doesn't help him move any faster, it at least helps me to not want to run to the nearest bar by 8am! 

hahahaha. well said. and i agree, the kids definitely feed off of us. so if i start to get anxious and like let's go, they sense it and usually go against that:)

ryanthegirl

Meghan&Rich said:

For me, it's always been about managing my reaction to his resistance vs. trying to control the outcome that I want.  I try to maintain a calm, gentle, and consistent routine, I try not to let him see me get anxious, I don't tell him to hurry up, etc.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes this sucks and I want to scream at the top of my lungs for him to get dressed and out the f'ing door!  But, I find if I really focus on myself and my reaction, it helps - that way, even if we're running late, the levels of frustation and stress don't always get too out of control. Even if it doesn't help him move any faster, it at least helps me to not want to run to the nearest bar by 8am! 

I have no advice since G is still at the age where I pretty much direct his every moment in the morning. I just wanted to say I hope it gets better or you are able to adjust your expectations for a smooth morning!

Meghan,

I just wanted to say thanks for this. Even though it's not directed at me nor a question I asked, I really needed to "hear" it. As I posted in the "vents..." post - G has recently started throwing tantrums and I've really been trying to adhere to this philosophy when dealing with them. I have a shamefully short fuse when it comes to uncooperative behavior and this was an excellent reminder of what I'm striving for. Thank you!

Meghan&Rich

Aw, you're welcome Ryan!  It is always such a challenge to maintain patience when dealing with your kids when they are having a tantrum or not cooperating.  This was a particularly tough week because we have all been sick and Rich was OOT and I had many not so good moments - props to you for balancing it all on your own with Casey's work schedule!

AmandaJLewis

Meghan&Rich said:

Aw, you're welcome Ryan!  It is always such a challenge to maintain patience when dealing with your kids when they are having a tantrum or not cooperating.  This was a particularly tough week because we have all been sick and Rich was OOT and I had many not so good moments - props to you for balancing it all on your own with Casey's work schedule!

Amen.  Patience is key, and yet the hardest thing to maintain some days!

Luckystar2

I have no patience which is why I feel like a failure! She pushes my buttons so much and controlling my patience and emotions is an issue. I try and I have been doing better. But I don't feel like that or anything helps with dd. If I calmly talk to her about getting ready it doesn't work. I try tickling her and making it fun it doesn't work.

I don't expect her to be excited to get ready but I expect her to listen to us. We have been doing this for 5 years so its not new to her. It is what it is and she needs to make it to the bus on time. She doesn't have to like it but she does have to get ready.

I just feel so lost when she literally won't get dressed no matter what we say. I just don't know how we could have approached it today. I feel horrible with her crying being forced on the bus. But she has to get on the bus.

I also feel frustrated that no matter how much we follow through it doesn't matter. I asked her the other night and she says she believes I will follow through on punishments (ie taking toys away) but she just can't stop herself. Ugh! So I feel like punishments don't work so we do rewards and reward charts too and they don't.

Just feeling very down about it after today!

Luckystar2

egpitt22 said:

Do you think she would do well with kind of a picture flow chart of some sort, so that she has more control over the situation because someone isn't telling her (at least not verbally) what to do?  You could make a poster board with pictures of what she should do & in what order (get out of bed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, get on shoes/coat, get in car) 

I can give this a try. I am sure part of it she hates is being told what to do. I try to give her choices of what to do but maybe this could help.

MrsAmers

Wonderfully put, Meghan.

Luckystar2 said:

I have no patience which is why I feel like a failure! She pushes my buttons so much and controlling my patience and emotions is an issue. ...If I calmly talk to her about getting ready it doesn't work.

I asked her the other night and she says she believes I will follow through on punishments (ie taking toys away) but she just can't stop herself. Ugh!

Just feeling very down about it after today!

1 - I'm sorry you are feeling down, but please don't make yourself feel like you are a bad mom. You are NOT a bad mom. The fact that you worry about fixing this and you care about putting her on the bus crying is exactly why you are a GREAT mom. We ALL have struggles and there is no magic bullet for fixing them.

2 - Try to remember that she isn't calculating ways to make you miserable and push your buttons. She lacks impulse control, she's going through one of the biggest changes in her life so far and she has very little control over her day to day circumstances. Keep talking with her at night about how things need to go in the morning, keep talking with her about how K is making her feel.

3 - Since she has so little choice in day to day stuff, maybe pick an upcoming day when she can have more control. Find an empty weekend day and let her be in charge. She chooses if and when to get dressed, if and when to leave the house, what to play, when to eat, etc. And if she gives you push back on a school morning remind her that on day X she can choose not to get dressed, but for today it is necessary.

Hugs!

northhillsbride

It's funny reading the different personality traits, bc I can see similar ones in the boys. Conall jumps right out bed in the morning, but is a slow eater and someone I have to tell 10x to get dressed. Focus is his issue - I tell him to get his shoes and he goes in and wakes Sean instead. :-S

Gavin drags butt getting out bed, complains about having to go to school, etc.

I tried the whole rewards system - they get a cartoon AFTER they eat and get dressed. We had no problem with it, but they ended up with like 10 minutes, so I just cut it out completely.

We're now into week 4 and every morning the boys are sitting up, or already out of bed, by the time I went in. Nice surprise! I'm not sure if it's that we're all finally adjusting or the fact that I took them to a fun  indoor play place last Friday night and they asked me to go again this weekend if they are good. I told them that we would as long as they don't give me any issues about getting out of bed and behave in school. Whatever it is, I'll take it.

One random thought - can you ignore her when she acts out, maybe? When Conall refuses to get dressed, I get up and walk away and tell him that's it's ok if he goes to school in his pjs then. That usually causes a meltdown, but then he gets up and starts moving.

Hang in there, Momma!

Luckystar2

Hmmmm..Clare I may try the go in PJs thing. I haven't in the past because she would actually prefer pjs at daycare (and they would do random PJ days that she loved). But now that she is in school and go on the bus she may not want to. Although shoes were a challenge this morning and she has to wear those!!

Luckystar2

And thanks everyone for the advice!! I always have struggled with feeling like I am a crappy mom. I lack patience and let my emotions through. I always get down on myself for it so when we have days like this it is hard!

northhillsbride

Oh April - I feel your pain re: "lack patience" - I've screamed more in the past 3 months than in the prior 6 years of being a Mom. I'm definitely not proud - and I have found that screaming gets me nowhere - well, except the one day I went bs crazy and the kids' eyes nearly popped out of their heads. Gavin couldn't have been any sweeter for days after that MomOscar-nominated scene...

I've found that ignoring the negative act tends to get them moving, albeit usually with a pout on their face bc they are being ignored. Conall is incredibly stubborn - to the point where we've had to use reverse psychology on him to eat (ie. "Do NOT eat that - I only put it on your plate so that I can eat it. It had BETTER be there when I return from the kitchen."). I'm also of the "If I jump, you ask 'how high'" mentality - Gavin follows that, Conall, not so much.

Dh deals with it much better than I do and usually has no struggles getting the kid to listen, while I sit in a corner rocking, hugging my knees, and sucking on throat lozengers.

lala5507

Luckystar2 said:

And thanks everyone for the advice!! I always have struggled with feeling like I am a crappy mom. I lack patience and let my emotions through. I always get down on myself for it so when we have days like this it is hard!

I think it's pretty safe to say most of us have been at this point.  Don't let one day (or one part of the day) make you feel like that.  I was just a patient person before I had kids but now I feel like some day I've used up all the patience in the first 10 minutes of the morning.  Just know you are not a crappy mom!

amyjoy18

Luckystar2 said:

I have no patience which is why I feel like a failure! She pushes my buttons so much and controlling my patience and emotions is an issue. I try and I have been doing better. But I don't feel like that or anything helps with dd. If I calmly talk to her about getting ready it doesn't work. I try tickling her and making it fun it doesn't work. I don't expect her to be excited to get ready but I expect her to listen to us. We have been doing this for 5 years so its not new to her. It is what it is and she needs to make it to the bus on time. She doesn't have to like it but she does have to get ready. I just feel so lost when she literally won't get dressed no matter what we say. I just don't know how we could have approached it today. I feel horrible with her crying being forced on the bus. But she has to get on the bus. I also feel frustrated that no matter how much we follow through it doesn't matter. I asked her the other night and she says she believes I will follow through on punishments (ie taking toys away) but she just can't stop herself. Ugh! So I feel like punishments don't work so we do rewards and reward charts too and they don't. Just feeling very down about it after today!

Something we've recently started doing with DD is asking for her input on how to solve problems.  So sometime (not in the morning) you could say, "I know it's hard to get up and get moving in the morning when you're tired, do you have any ideas on what would make it easier?"  If she doesn't have any ideas you could throw some out there to get her thinking.  I typically go with silly things, like "Maybe we need to hop on one foot 3 times and then meow like a cat before you get out of bed to put you in a good mood"

My dd is also very independent and stubborn.  We often have to ask her to do something multiple times before she'll listen.  Sometimes the more we ask the more stubborn she gets.  During our brainstorming session when I asked her why she didn't listen the first time she said she just "forgets" which is total BS.  I mean, I asked you to put your PJs on 3 times.  Did you forget I asked, or did you forget that you are supposed to do what I ask?  The reality is that she wants to be independent and make her own choices. 

 I suggested that we have a secret code word and every time she doesn't do what we ask the first time we're going to use the code word to remind her to listen to mom and dad.  She chose "eyeball  soup" as her code word.  And it seems to be working--because by using the word, we're not telling her what to do.  

Now--I see that there are definite flaws in this system.

1. She likes using the code word, so she may not listen the first time, just to hear the word--but in the end, we accomplish whatever task we need to, without me losing my shit.  

2.I'm probably downplaying the importance of listening to mom and dad, but getting into a battle of wills with my kid is not the best method of resolution.  And call me crunchy--but I don't want to break her spirit.  

Every time we lock horns, I remind myself that I'm raising a strong, independent woman--and that will serve her well in the future.  

MrsAmers

I love the code word idea, Amy! The asking multiple times for each and every thing the kids need to do is driving me batty!