Husband wants me to cut ties with the friend I had a fling with (before we met)

November42

A year before I met my husband, I was seeing a guy who didn't treat me right. The relationship was volatile and his family could be threatening and I couldn't see a way out. I know there's no excuse for cheating, but I had a fling with my friend. We spent 8 months together in a 'relationship' without telling anyone. We were close although in the 8 months we only had sex once (due to my problems with sex). I wanted to leave my boyfriend for my friend but felt he couldn't be faithful, he had lots of other women on the go. I told him if he could go a while without seeing anyone else, I would leave with him. He messed up and saw 3 women in one month. I broke off the fling and stuck with my boyfriend, even though it hurt so much. We remained as friends as we belonged to the same social circle. Eventually we had a much better friendship than we ever did relationship.

A year later I broke up with my boyfriend and met my now-husband. I wanted to be honest so told my husband about what had happened between my friend and me, and he hates my friend for it. I wouldn't dare leave them in the same room. He insists my friend still loves me/wants me for sex, even though he's had a couple of serious relationships since. We've moved away now, but are considering moving back to be nearer my family. My husband says if we move back, I have to cut all contact with my friend. I suffer with anxiety and my friend is one of the very few people close to me who I know I can talk to frankly and honestly about things, and it would hurt so much to cut him out. I've told my husband this, but he's turned it into a 'if you loved me you'd do it' situation. So of course, if he really wants me to, I will. But it'll hurt like hell.

What should I do? Is my husband right to do this? I can see it from both sides, I really can, and understand why he's feeling hurt - this is the guy I had a fling with after all. But he's also one of my closest friends and neither of us has any intention since of rekindling any kind of romance. 

moonprincessd

Well try putting the shoe on the other foot: How would you feel if you knew he had a fling with one of his friends? Would you still want him to be friends with her?

I only have your side of the story, but it does sound like he doesn't trust you, which is a whole other issue, or he could just be afraid to lose you. I think you two need to sit down and talk it out, maybe with a counselor. 

lnrietzel

It would be less expensive to leave your friend than your husband in the long run.  

I was in a similar situation when my now H and I were engaged.  My ex and I are both musicians in the same town, and it benefited both of us to stay in contact.  My H was not happy, but trusted me with the chance to meet up with my ex one night (we put aside relationship differences, and in case we work together in the future our interactions will be more pleasant) .  My H told me that he wanted to feel like he is "enough".  I shouldn't feel the need to go talk to past flames, and he gives me the same respect by not chatting up his. Frankly, after that night, I had no desire to seek out my ex to hang out, because I realized that my H is enough and much more.  I am happy we reconciled, but I don't want to give any reason for my H to feel unsure of what him and I have.

IMO (based off of what I read), you dedicated your heart and your life to your H.  Your H should be enough that you feel supported by him with being open and honest without the need for another guy to have to fill that.  If that guy happens to be a past fling, its like you are playing with fire (you broke up for a reason, but you also dated for a reason). If you know your H doesn't like your friend, then someone's going to get burned. Your H should trump your friend if you are being asked to chose, no questions asked.

GL!

Disneygeek77

Well the fact that you can talk to your friend about stuff and not your husband is a definite sign you need to end things.

JemmaWRX

Disneygeek77 said:

Well the fact that you can talk to your friend about stuff and not your husband is a definite sign you need to end things.

This is where I'm at too. 

Of course friends are important but this relationship seems a little odd, a little too close for comfort.  I honestly think your husband's feelings and concerns are legitimate.  This isn't a case where he's being completely unreasonable and trying to terminate all of your relationships.  You were sexually involved with this other guy and beyond that, there's clearly a deeper, more intimate connection there.

Look - it's your husband.  You need to respect his wishes.   

GilliC

Does your H have the same reaction to everyone you've dated or slept with? You're afraid to leave them in a room together? I hope that was a bit of an exaggeration, because it makes your H sound overly jealous and possessive. If he's like this with all of your male friends or past lovers, I think you need to take a good look at your H.

If it's just this one guy, I'd suck it up and break things off with your friend, because it's just going to put unnecessary strain on your marriage.

Sillygirl45

8 months is not a simple fling. Especially considering how you describe your relationship. That's probably why your H doesn't trust you with this person. You already cheated once with him. I don't think your H is being unreasonable at all.

I probably wouldn't have married someone who cheated on someone else for 8 months, but if I did, it would be a cold day in Hell before those two being chummy again would be ok with me. Nope.

MommyLiberty5013

November42 said:

A year before I met my husband, I was seeing a guy who didn't treat me right. The relationship was volatile and his family could be threatening and I couldn't see a way out. I know there's no excuse for cheating, but I had a fling with my friend. We spent 8 months together in a 'relationship' without telling anyone. We were close although in the 8 months we only had sex once (due to my problems with sex). I wanted to leave my boyfriend for my friend but felt he couldn't be faithful, he had lots of other women on the go. I told him if he could go a while without seeing anyone else, I would leave with him. He messed up and saw 3 women in one month. I broke off the fling and stuck with my boyfriend, even though it hurt so much. We remained as friends as we belonged to the same social circle. Eventually we had a much better friendship than we ever did relationship.

A year later I broke up with my boyfriend and met my now-husband. I wanted to be honest so told my husband about what had happened between my friend and me, and he hates my friend for it. I wouldn't dare leave them in the same room. He insists my friend still loves me/wants me for sex, even though he's had a couple of serious relationships since. We've moved away now, but are considering moving back to be nearer my family. My husband says if we move back, I have to cut all contact with my friend. I suffer with anxiety and my friend is one of the very few people close to me who I know I can talk to frankly and honestly about things, and it would hurt so much to cut him out. I've told my husband this, but he's turned it into a 'if you loved me you'd do it' situation. So of course, if he really wants me to, I will. But it'll hurt like hell.

What should I do? Is my husband right to do this? I can see it from both sides, I really can, and understand why he's feeling hurt - this is the guy I had a fling with after all. But he's also one of my closest friends and neither of us has any intention since of rekindling any kind of romance. 

Bolded. Your husband should fill this role in your life, not another man. This is a gateway, if left open, for an emotional affair, which for women leads to physical affairs. Your husband has right to be upset and concerned. Reverse the scenario...how would you feel as a woman and wife if your DH had an old fling as a close friend that he divulged his secrets to? I will be very surprised and think you are lying to me and to yourself if you say you'd have no trouble with this.

Kimbus22

GilliC said:

Does your H have the same reaction to everyone you've dated or slept with? You're afraid to leave them in a room together? I hope that was a bit of an exaggeration, because it makes your H sound overly jealous and possessive. If he's like this with all of your male friends or past lovers, I think you need to take a good look at your H.

If it's just this one guy, I'd suck it up and break things off with your friend, because it's just going to put unnecessary strain on your marriage.

This.  If your H is just a jealous nutbag, think about ditching him. If he's typically rational and trustworthy and this guy just gets to him for some reason, do as he asks.

kss20

JemmaWRX said:

Disneygeek77 said:

Well the fact that you can talk to your friend about stuff and not your husband is a definite sign you need to end things.

This is where I'm at too. 

Of course friends are important but this relationship seems a little odd, a little too close for comfort.  I honestly think your husband's feelings and concerns are legitimate.  This isn't a case where he's being completely unreasonable and trying to terminate all of your relationships.  You were sexually involved with this other guy and beyond that, there's clearly a deeper, more intimate connection there.

Look - it's your husband.  You need to respect his wishes.   

I agree with this.  Something seems a bit off here.  I have a feeling your relationship with this guy is deeper than you're making it out to be on here.  Either way, the solution is open communication.  Figure out a way to make everyone comfortable by finding out exactly what the true root of these jealous feelings are.

Leftie22

I don't really get why your DH is mad at your friend, considering that he didn't even know you when you and the friend were together, and you were the one that was cheating on your boyfriend at the time. That's confusing. That being said, this friendship sounds a little too intimate for your DH's comfort. If he hasn't cut you off from everyone, just this one guy, I think you should cut it off. (Assuming you would miss your DH more than you'd miss this friend.) Being married means making (reasonable) sacrifices for the sake your of relationship. Unless your DH doesn't want you to have any male friends. You're the only one who knows how reasonable this request is.

Savanna111911

I think the real key is, how many people does your husband react this way with.  If he doesn't want you to be friends with this one person, (who you admittedly cheated on another significant other with), that's one thing. If he reacts this way with all of your mail friends, that's a different story.

 

If its just him, I kind of see where he's coming from. I wouldn't necessarily want my husband to cut off all ties, but I'd also be damned if they were going to hang out alone.

 

Maybe there is a compromise position here? Maybe you can agree to not hang out with him without your husband or other trusted friends being there. That way you don't have to sever all ties but you can make you husband feel more comfortable?

 

However if he reacts this way with all guys, there may be another problem.

EastCoastBride

GilliC said:

Does your H have the same reaction to everyone you've dated or slept with? You're afraid to leave them in a room together? I hope that was a bit of an exaggeration, because it makes your H sound overly jealous and possessive. If he's like this with all of your male friends or past lovers, I think you need to take a good look at your H.

If it's just this one guy, I'd suck it up and break things off with your friend, because it's just going to put unnecessary strain on your marriage.

Yeah, I'm here too.  Your DHs reaction seems weird.  He HATES this guy and you can't leave them alone?  You didn't cheat on your DH w/ this guy.  You cheated on an exBF who you were in a bad relationship with.  Why is your DH making it about your friend?

So, really - I want to know more before I can say anything else about this.

Disneygeek77

EastCoastBride said:

GilliC said:

Does your H have the same reaction to everyone you've dated or slept with? You're afraid to leave them in a room together? I hope that was a bit of an exaggeration, because it makes your H sound overly jealous and possessive. If he's like this with all of your male friends or past lovers, I think you need to take a good look at your H.

If it's just this one guy, I'd suck it up and break things off with your friend, because it's just going to put unnecessary strain on your marriage.

Yeah, I'm here too.  Your DHs reaction seems weird.  He HATES this guy and you can't leave them alone?  You didn't cheat on your DH w/ this guy.  You cheated on an exBF who you were in a bad relationship with.  Why is your DH making it about your friend?

So, really - I want to know more before I can say anything else about this.

Because it is a lot easier to take your frustrations out on this guy than accept the fact that he was dumb enough to marry a cheater.

EastCoastBride

Disneygeek77 said:

Because it is a lot easier to take your frustrations out on this guy than accept the fact that he was dumb enough to marry a cheater.

Very true. 

Disneygeek77

Don't we see it all the time. Woman finds out her husband cheated and focuses all of her anger on the other woman. It is obvious her husband is bothered by the content of her character , but went ahead and married her anyway so her former fling becomes the focus of his anger and anxiety.

DaringMiss

Ok...I am a woman with a list of former lovers with whom I am still good friends.  I would never date, let alone marry a guy who could not deal with that.  All of my contact with my former boyfriends is above board, respectful of my partner and theirs and friendly with no overtones.

Your situation is a little different.  Your GuyFriend is a skunk (boy version of skank) and has no problem sleeping with a woman who is currently in a committed relationship.  He has proven that with you and heaven knows how many other women.  He is not a trustworthy man and because of that, I can see your husband's point about not being comfortable with the two of you have a close friendship.     As long as your husband is not a jealous freak with every one of the male persuasion you meet, I say that I would clearly cool or even drop your friendship with GuyFriend.

But I think there is a lot more here than you are admitting in your post.  I would put money on the fact that you have deeper feelings for guy friend.  You were willing to leave AbusiveBoyfriend for GuyFriend if he could remain faithful, and but for his wandering dick, you would have chosen him.  And you have remained *very* close to GuyFriend long after the affair was over.  Honestly, if GuyFriend turned over a new leaf and became monogamous, I think you would be deeply tempted to get involved with him again.

I think you secretly like the drama of your husband's jealousy.  I think that you enjoy the fact that these two men could come to blows over you.  It is feeding something in you.

I would stop all contact with GuyFriend.  I would get some therapy to straighten out your feelings and why you are in this situation (Skunk GuyFriend vs. Jealous Husband)  None of this behavior is mature or will build a lasting marriage.

silverspring822

Your husband needs to accept the past and not hold it against you. If you sever ties with your friend is your husband going to sever ties with every ex female from his past? Sounds like your hubby doesn't have much self worth. If he valued himself and thought highly of the man he is then he wouldn't be intimidated by anyone. This is clearly his problem. I would not end any relationship based on my husband's insecurity and jealousy. Good luck.

cmclaire

8 months is not a fling, really.  Your 'friend' sounds a little sketchy, so I can understand a little of your husbands concern.  For me, like various PPS, this comes down to how your husband is about other friends.  If it's just this guy I'd consider breaking the tie....if not then a bigger conversation needs to happen.

NoneForUs

Is this past lover worth your marriage? 

NoneForUs

@DaringMiss, you are so right about secretly loving the drama and feeding jealousy. 

I can't see any other reason why the OP would be so adamant about staying friends with her ex.