Blending Households - Relationship Test

MissMaeisbeforeJune

Hi Nesties,

I know on theBump there is a blended family board, and that's good too - I just wanted to throw this question out there and see if anyone here has advice.

I have been with my significant other for 3 years now, and he has started talking about moving in together. I think we've been together long enough for this to be an idea however he has a kid and I have two cats.

I do not have any kids of my own, and I have been on the fence about wanting kids of my own for a while (I am only 26yo). My Sig Other and I get along great, his son (5yo) and I get along just fine. I just am scared that actually MOVING IN with a 5 year old will not work well for me. I am worried too because I feel like if I am not willing to take our relationship to this "next level" because he has a kid (which is something that is obviously not going to change) than am I in a dead end relationship?

HELP!

I hope this is just nerves because I love this guy. But becoming insta-step-mom or something sounds scary as heck. FYI, my significant other is a full time parent. So, if we were to make this move there wouldn't even be any rest time without the kid. He'd be there all the time.

I just don't know what to do. He asked me on Wednesday if we can "talk about it this weekend." :O

tiffanysbride

You've been with him for 3 years and you're just now figuring this out. I feel bad for him and his son. At this point I would assume his son is attached to you and that you've spent a good amount of time together. If you don't want kids then end this now. 

arhayden1

I agree with pp. You knew from the beginning he was a full-time dad. Its one thing to not want kids but to develop a relationship with someone who has a kid hoping you will never have to assume anyt slight parenting seems selfish to me. I mean its not like the kid would disappear once you guys got serious. My point is this eithier 1. You accept the child and the part you play in his life. or 2. You can't handle it and this relationship is not for you

MissMaeisbeforeJune

I get it. I guess I wasn't looking for judgement so much as encouragement.

I think cold feet is normal. At least, I thought it was. Until this moment.

Thanks for the responses anyway.

Leftie22

MissMaeisbeforeJune said:

I get it. I guess I wasn't looking for judgement so much as encouragement.

I think cold feet is normal. At least, I thought it was. Until this moment.

Thanks for the responses anyway.

OP, it's hard to encourage you when we're not sure if this is something you're interested in going forward with or not. Your post sounded more like you're wondering whether to stay or go, not looking for words of wisdom on how to be a step-mom. If you love your partner and love his kid, and you want encouragement, I'd say how about trying some weekends together first? (If you haven't already.) Have them pack a little bag and come to stay with you for the weekend. Do all he things you'd be doing if you lived together (make breakfast, go to the park, do errands, watch a movie.) See if you enjoy that family life and routine. If you don't want to take it to the next level, then yes, it's a dead-end relationship. He's a full-time father. His son isn't going anywhere. You would become a parent and have responsibilities. If that doesn't appeal to you, definitely don't move in together. Be honest with him and tell him you aren't ready to be a step-mom. And it doesn't make you a bad person if you can't work it out. It would be much worse for you to go ahead and then have things fall apart and have the son involved. Good luck, whatever you decide.

kss20

I would be freaked out too!!!  You're young!  Have you talked to your friends/family about this and see what they think?  The people that know you best and have a view from the outside can sometimes be very helpful.

MissMaeisbeforeJune

I have talked to some of my family/friends about it. Everyone says "Oh you'd be a great mom" and they know how well his son and I get along. It just scares the bajeezus out of me.

I lost one of my parents at a really young age and was more-or-less the guardian of my younger brother for most his life. So, I have a little experience in the care giver role but I've just never lived with a kid so young that wasn't related to me by blood. And I am just so scared that if I make this move, which I WANT TO, that once I get into the situation I wont be able to handle it. I feel like that would be the worst thing since not only would it be a big change to for me but also for my SO and his son.

I don't know guys... It's a big decision & I am just terrified.

moonprincessd

I think you should try doing something gradually, maybe spend weekends at his place and see how it goes, then maybe spend a week, two weeks, and who knows, maybe you'll end up living with them for the rest of your life. 

Cats are sort of like kids. We have 2 cats (always call them our babies) and you do for your cats what you'd do with a kid. Play with them, feed them, cuddle them, etc... Nice thing about kids though is when they are in trouble, they know and understand, with cats, well you're stuck with them making the same mess over and over again, lol!

TarponMonoxide

Spend some more time with the youngster. I don't know how much one on one time you spend with him now.

There are mundane things you can do -- go to the park and maybe for a snack afterwards, trip to the library or local bookstore, trip to the mall, movies, some other type of kiddie activity or kid's attraction.

Sit and read to him! That's a good way to spend time; read the story and maybe act it out together.

YOu need not decide now if you want to move in.

JemmaWRX

I don't think anyone was being judgmental... it's a fact.  You maintained this relationship for 3 years and the child was there from day 1.  At some point you had to figure out if this was something you could handle, right?

I second PPs suggestion of some overnights here and there.  Ease into it.  Not only is it good for you, I think it's especially wise to ease the child into the new dynamic as well.

 

Be completely transparent with your boyfriend though.  Ask for this kind of arrangement and do it for a reasonable period of time (i.e 3 months or so) and let him know you will make a decision about making this a permanent change.  For the sake of everyone involved don't go all in with these fears.  It's bad for your relationship with your boyfriend, but definitely not something you want the poor kid to experience!

Good luck in deciding!

arhayden1

MissMaeisbeforeJune said:

I have talked to some of my family/friends about it. Everyone says "Oh you'd be a great mom" and they know how well his son and I get along. It just scares the bajeezus out of me.

I lost one of my parents at a really young age and was more-or-less the guardian of my younger brother for most his life. So, I have a little experience in the care giver role but I've just never lived with a kid so young that wasn't related to me by blood. And I am just so scared that if I make this move, which I WANT TO, that once I get into the situation I wont be able to handle it. I feel like that would be the worst thing since not only would it be a big change to for me but also for my SO and his son.

I don't know guys... It's a big decision & I am just terrified.

Ok See now that is a little different. Yes being nervous is normal, I took on two kids when I married my DH-And teens none the less. Big change is always scary but you never get big reward with big change. From my experience the first few weeks will be a little rough as you adjust to the new routine of things but once they get settled it will be a new normal. Don't worry about screwing up no parent is perfect and part of parenting is making mistakes and learning from them. You just need to decide if this is what you want or not because if you not 100% commited to this change you're hurting everyone involved

Kimbus22

Well I think if you're not scared about becoming a parent, then you're not really getting how life changing it is.  So scared is good.

But the fact is, you've known he was a FT dad for 3 years.  His kid will always come before you and if you're not willing to accept that and do the same (since you will be his live in step mother), then you need to get out now and stop leading him on.  If you're not sure, it's not fair to him and it's not fair to his kid.

tiffanysbride

Again it has been 3 years, I just find it hard to believe you haven't had these reservations or thoughts before. Have you ever expressed them to him? Either way, be completely honest with him and let him know your hesitations and concerns. He may choose to end things b/c after 3 years his child probably already sees you as a parent figure or at least a family member. 

If he is willing to stick it out then I would try weekends and see how it goes. However, at any time if you feel like it is not working, end it right away. You can't go back and forth to your apartment for a break once you decide to move in. I would most defiantly keep your apartment but if you decide that is where you want to live be prepared to end things. 

If you do it and decide it is the right decision I would suggest some sort of family counseling to discuss roles and boundaries so that you are prepared as things arrive and have clear expectations. Is the child's mother involved at all?  Another topic of discussion, being the girlfriend vs another mother figure is different, so things could come up on that end. 

Sillygirl45

MissMaeisbeforeJune said:

I have talked to some of my family/friends about it. Everyone says "Oh you'd be a great mom" and they know how well his son and I get along. It just scares the bajeezus out of me.

I lost one of my parents at a really young age and was more-or-less the guardian of my younger brother for most his life. So, I have a little experience in the care giver role but I've just never lived with a kid so young that wasn't related to me by blood. And I am just so scared that if I make this move, which I WANT TO, that once I get into the situation I wont be able to handle it. I feel like that would be the worst thing since not only would it be a big change to for me but also for my SO and his son.

I don't know guys... It's a big decision & I am just terrified.

If being a parent can be a thankless job, being a step parent is even worse. It can be great, but you're clearly intelligent if you realize it can also be a mess. All I have to add is I think you're very smart to think it through and go in with eyes open (which you clearly are). It's ok to be terrified. You'd be silly not to be. It's also ok if you decide this is not for you. If you decide it is, remember raising a well adjusted child comes first and it can be done. I would really make sure you and SO are on the same page as far as parenting styles and your role. 

Good luck!

MissMaeisbeforeJune

tiffanysbride said:

Again it has been 3 years, I just find it hard to believe you haven't had these reservations or thoughts before. Have you ever expressed them to him? Either way, be completely honest with him and let him know your hesitations and concerns. He may choose to end things b/c after 3 years his child probably already sees you as a parent figure or at least a family member. 

Thanks for the replies, ladies. It's very appreciated. SO and I have been together 3 years - which seems like a long time but we've never discussed moving in with one another until now. Prior to us getting together we had both been in long term relationships (him with his Son's Mom, and me w/ my ex-fiance whom I lived with). So I don't think EITHER of us were ready to take the step to moving in for a while.

SO and I have discussed my concerns and he is very understanding and is (surprisingly to me) also very scared. We have decided to seek some family counseling while looking for a house. If the house hunt takes a while, or the counseling doesn't go well then we will know... we're certaily not rushing into anything.