The Delimma

cmelliott

So before I go on my rant, let me set up the scene. I'm 21 and my fiance is 22. We're getting married on Sept 27th (yay!) and we live in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment. We have no kids and know we want them someday but are waiting until we know the time is right and feel comfortable. With all that being said, if we had the money, I would love to have kids right away! But because I'm responsible and not compulsive, I know it's better for everyone involved to wait until we are financially stable and have a house and don't hate our jobs. Our goal is like late 20s, maybe 28 or so? My mom had me when she was 31 so I come from a family where it's normal to wait to have kids. However, fiance's family is very adamant about us having kids right away, they even were hoping we would before we got married. Even at our engagement party, they made a sign that said "have a happy honeymoon, make lots of babies". It doesn't help keep my feelings at bay for wanting kids right now. It just causes a terrible tug of war between my head and my heart. And then even other people outside of the family don't understand why we're waiting. I said at work awhile ago how much I would love to have a kid right now and my coworker just said "so why don't you?" and I came back with saying "Just because I want a kid right now doesn't mean I'm ready for one." I'm just having a hard time fighting the urge to have children when I know it's best for us and these hypothetical kids to wait until we're ready.

amandamarie2

I get where you're coming from! I'm 20, DH is 22 and we've already been married for a year. We both know we want kids but now is not a good time. One bedroom apartment, both in university... there's just no way. That was a good enough response for everyone and for me (like you I would love to have kids right away but understand this isn't the time) until DH's cousins who are 22 and one is still in university found out they're pregnant. Now his grandparents make comments like "Oh V and B won the race to the first great grandchild." In addition, there are two other married couples in my husband's year at school who just had kids. They're several years older than us, the guys went back to school while their wives work but that hasn't stopped people at the college asking when we're going to have one.

It's hard balancing the practical side that knows I have time and this isn't it with the part of me that really wants kids, as well as the part of me that's really happy not to have that responsibility yet. Throw in everyone else's opinions which range from "why not now?" to "why don't you wait ten years?"... what a mess!

cmelliott

Exactly! You and me are in the same boat. I just finished college in July and I'm just now enjoying my freedom away from homework, I don't want to get rid of that just now for a baby. However, deep down I have that motherly urge to have children right away but that's just not a smart choice. And then getting flack from fiance's family is hard too. They treat us like if we don't have kids right away they're just gonna die without grandchildren. It kinda breaks my heart a little.

bpphoto785

My early 20s, right after college, are some of my most memorable years! H & I had a lot of fun! Take your time and enjoy yourselves. Travel, save for a house. Do the things that will be a PITA when you have kids!

Melissa51212

Me and H are 30 and 32. I agree with @bbphoto785 enjoy this time, you will never get it back!  I still don't want to give up my freedom. You are smart in waiting to be more stable but also you will be making great memories with your H that you can share with your kids and they will think your are uber cool!

chrisnjay05212010

i agree too, enjoy this time! DH is 30 (today!!) and im 29. We recently decided we dont want children. Take this time to do what you want to do and get yourselves set up for kids later on.

DeannaCW

I know the feeling. Long story, but we're an international relationship that worked out, and are currently separated as we couldn't find work here, problems with his immigration, and now starting mine to go there. And yet... I look at babies/onesies and think "awww... I want one". Yet such horrific timing! Broke and in some debt (not horriffic, but enough!), and my ovaries just keep kicking me! aggravating.

mdupon70997

I currently have five pregnant friends and two friends who just had babies. It does make me go "awww" when I'm baby clothes shopping for their shower gifts. We both want kids one day, just not right now. But let me list the reasons we're not trying right now:

1. We live in a teeny tiny home.

2. We've only been married since April. We want some time alone with each other.

3. We're both starting out in new careers.

4. We're financially stable, but not enough to even afford a mortgage.

5. I have $20,000 of student debt to pay back.

6. I would not put a kid in mine or DH's vehicle.

7. We have two fur babies, and for right now that's plenty.

8. When the time is right we want to be responsible parents so that we can actually afford daycare and diapers.

9. The list goes on and on...

Xandy417

Firstly, I don't want children, ever. I've raised my younger siblings when my parents weren't around and that was enough for me.

I am however going to tell you something my grandma told me when we talked about me not wanting children:

There is never going to be a "right" time to have children. The chances of everything in your life lining up perfectly so that you cannot think of one reason not to have kids are very low. You just have to do what is right for you and your family at the time.

R.Wilsonny

I rarely venture into other areas of these forums, particularly this one since I am actively TTC, but I was poking around and felt compelled to respond to this thread and tell you all that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to wait to have children - none whatsoever. And if you ultimately choose to never have children, hey - that is a-okay too. There is no law that says you are required to have children or have them by a certain age. I'm in my late 30's and when I reflect on my 20 year old self, there was no way I wanted to have a child at that age - I was too busy enjoying my 20's and focusing on career/life/etc. I always knew I wanted children, but I also knew that I wanted them later in life.

Anyway - don't let people pressure you all into having a child if you are not ready for it (or let them pressure you at all, period). This is a big life changing decision and one that should be made between you and your H. Hopefully this makes you feel better about the decisions you are making

katmo82

I totally understand, it can be a battle between your needs and what you are ready for at the end of the day you just have to thing about the pros and cons and see which decision is best right now. It may be easier to feel the need to have a child right now once others support and encourage you to. However It all comes down what you really think is best and what you truly desire
 

lovesclimbing

You need to do what's right for you and your husband.  Take what everyone else says out of the picture.  You say you aren't financially ready.  Are all these people who say you should have kids right now going to pitch in some money?

I do agree with a previous poster who said that there is never a perfect time.  However, I do believe that some times are better than others.  And if you are not financially stable, I think there are better times down the road to start a family.

I also believe it's a good idea to have a year or two, at least, as just the two of you to get used to being married before throwing children into the mix.

TarponMonoxide

Of course you realize talk is talk, right?

I find it no big deal about the "...and have lots of babies" comment. Let this go.

Talk is just that exactly: talk. Let this go.