Disregard =D

lnrietzel

JemmaWRX

You guys need to start playing hardball.  You're doing what you claim everyone else does - not standing up to her giving her the idea that she's right.

But this responsibility ultimately falls to your husband.  Why is he seeing her so often when you're clearly not welcome.  He is sending her the message, loud and clear, that her behavior is ok.  That it's ok to treat his wife like dirt.  I get that you don't want to keep him away from his family, but this is HER doing.  She's alienating you.  She's not welcoming you.  Your husband wouldn't be wrong (better put - he's well within his rights) to say "SIL - if you can't treat my wife with respect, if you won't welcome her into your home, I won't be seeing you anymore either."  You and your husband are a package deal now.  She gets both of you or neither.

Your husband needs to nut up.

lnrietzel

I think thats completely fair, thank you =D

EastCoastBride

JemmaWRX said:

You guys need to start playing hardball.  You're doing what you claim everyone else does - not standing up to her giving her the idea that she's right.

But this responsibility ultimately falls to your husband.  Why is he seeing her so often when you're clearly not welcome.  He is sending her the message, loud and clear, that her behavior is ok.  That it's ok to treat his wife like dirt.  I get that you don't want to keep him away from his family, but this is HER doing.  She's alienating you.  She's not welcoming you.  Your husband wouldn't be wrong (better put - he's well within his rights) to say "SIL - if you can't treat my wife with respect, if you won't welcome her into your home, I won't be seeing you anymore either."  You and your husband are a package deal now.  She gets both of you or neither.

Your husband needs to nut up.

100% this.  And really, yes, I would stop trying to resolve things.  She clearly isn't interested.  But I'm SURE she LOVES having people trip over themselves to try and gain her approval.  She gets a power from all of this.  Stop playing her game.  Seriously- stop.  You will never ever be close to her, she may never ever like you.  Stop caring so much about what she thinks.

And back to the above - your DH needs to step up here.  he spends all this time w/ a person who is rude and mean to his wife?  What the hell?  He needs to back YOU up.  And if that means he has no relationship w/ his sister- then so be it.  He also needs to stop playing her game.

Let her alienate herself from everyone.  You  and DH need to start focusing on the people who bring something positive to your lives.  She sure as heck doesn't.

neverblushed

I think you are trying way too hard to have a relationship with your SIL.  And you are letting the fact that she dislikes you get under your skin more than it should.

I think there are 2 possible reasons for this:

1) It is possible that you have been an equal contributor to the problems between the two of you.  And although you don't portray that in your OP, you somehow recognize that you own some of the problems, and you feel like you must win everyone else in the family back to your side.  If this is the case, you are playing right into her hand and letting her control your actions way too much.  She's probably winding you up like a kids' toy, and watching as you self-destruct in front of the family and even your husband.

2) Or it is possible that you are completely blameless, but that you are very young and inexperienced.  You want everyone to like you, it hurts your feelings if they don't like you, and you're not confident enough in yourself to just say say 'screw it!' and not worry about your nutty SIL's opinion.  If this is the case, you need to keep the distance and let her be the bad guy.  Trust that the family will either come around in time, or that the rest of the family aren't really worth worrying about.

Either way, there's no rule that you HAVE to be besties with your in-laws.  All you have to do is be polite and respectful when you are around them.  I feel like you were expecting more than that, didn't get it from SIL, and now it's creating problems.  Dial back your expectations and let her act like a jerk all she wants.

lnrietzel

I appreciate the advice (I deleted the post because Im nervous she somehow will find it, paranoid much? =X) . 

 I've been trying hard to resolve the situation because;  I hate having awkward relationships with people that Im going to be seeing and it means something to my H for things to be back "to the way things were".    My H doesn't see this as something that requires "not being able to do both". That has been the source of current tiffs.  I want to ask him not to go, but ya that doesn't work out too well.   I've also never come across this kind of situation since high school.  Normally Im really good at resolving conflicts and having friendships stay really great, this is just weird for me. 

I have taken responsibility for the stuff that I did that happened during the catalyst moment (the bachelorette party).  Im not blameless nor perfect, I hope I didn't come off that way.   I owned up to everything I've done (which was basically just being really stressed out from various things going on at once) and worked to mend relationships because that's just how I am. I tried to relay the information that is current to the post.  I have been watching this community and have seen that having some kind of back story is also helpful.

Maybe I am putting too much thought into it, and need to drop it. Things just seemed totally fine, we would all hang out, then all of the sudden it just blew up and out.

I really appreciate the advice.  Having an outside ear is really helpful, especially from currently married folks =D Thank you!