The other woman and I were pregnant at the same time

KMB1116

A year ago, my husband and I were in the middle of separating and living 1500 miles apart. I went to visit him to discuss things in person, and a couple of weeks later, found out I was pregnant. I was in grad school, but the baby would have been due a week after graduation. I didn't want to get back together with my husband just for this reason, and I was scared about being able to find a job and support myself and the child. I tried to talk to him about ways we could make it work, but he was adamant we terminate and flew to my city to take me to the doctor. The morning of the appointment, my phone was broken and I used his to get direction's to the office- he was in the shower so I snooped in his texts and realized his girlfriend was also pregnant. She had told him she was pregnant two days before I did, and he was planning to fly back home after our appointment and take her to the doctor two days later. She also had an abortion.

It's been exactly a year, and I've been in therapy, and we had our official divorce, but I think about this every day. If I could have afforded a child alone, I would have had the baby without hesitation (as it turns out, I still haven't found a job, four months after graduation, so perhaps it is for the best). His girlfriend doesn't know that I was also pregnant. Ex-husband and I barely speak, and he's been no support during this at all. He refuses to take responsibility and claims that "the universe meant for this to happen." I'm thinking of contacting the girlfriend (they're no longer dating), just to see if she wants to talk. Truly, I'm not angry with her at all- I'm just looking for someone who understands, and I also don't think it's fair to her that she doesn't have the full story.

Would love any advice, or words of wisdom or support.

kss20

Wow.  I have no idea if it's a good idea contacting this woman, but I am so sorry for you and your situation.  What a douche.  I hope you find peace, a job, and a man worth your time.

Sillygirl45

I wouldn't contact her. She is in no position to offer you support. She doesn't need to know the whole story. She isn't with him anymore. Let her move on. You need to do the same. You can't take back what happened. Don't torture yourself with what ifs. Continue with therapy and work on moving past this terrible situation. Your ex is an ass. Be glad you're not tied to him anymore.

EastCoastBride

I'm with Sillygirl on this.  I don't really see why she needs to know the full story at this point.  You also don't know the full scope of their relationship, how she felt about being PG, etc.  You see this as something that she'll "understand", but she may not.  She may be on a totally different page than you. 

EastCoastBride

I'm with Sillygirl on this.  I don't really see why she needs to know the full story at this point.  You also don't know the full scope of their relationship, how she felt about being PG, etc.  You see this as something that she'll "understand", but she may not.  She may be on a totally different page than you. 

KMB1116

Thanks for the input so far! Yeah, all I know (from him) is that she seemed much more relieved after her abortion- he took her to lunch after, she had a beer, and then went home to nap and said she was fine being alone. They dated for a couple months after, then broke up and are still friendly and hang out once a week or so. When I put myself in her shoes, I'd probably feel less conflicted, too- they'd only been dating a couple of months (although they were high school friends) and even though she had a very well-paying job, she was only 24. 

I had a much more difficult time after mine, which didn't have to do with her being pregnant as well. That certainly added to the drama and to my anger at him for being so reckless, but I was also so torn because we were married for six years and had talked about what our children would look like, names, etc- the baby felt very real to me, and I still feel guilty. 

My goal, I guess, in reaching out is that 1) I have confided in my wonderful girlfriends, but none of them have had an abortion (or a divorce) and can relate to my situation, and 2) I do feel slightly better about my decision knowing there was so much drama- if the other woman is feeling guilty/remorseful, perhaps it might make her feel better, too. I also feel like she might be a better person to vent to about him, since she may have similar complaints. Again, I feel no ill-will toward her- I think she was just as duped by him as I was.

kss20

I see what you're saying.  I don't think I'd care too much about how she feels.  In my mind she's still a home wrecker, even if you have no ill feelings towards her.  My only fear is that you may disappointed in her response.  If you feel like you need to do this to get closure, than you should do what you have to do, just be ready for a less than warm reception, especially if she is still buddy with your awful ex.

Sillygirl45

Her situation was so completely different than yours. Everyone is different. I don't think she would want to hear from you and she is likely not harboring the guilt and resentment you are. I'm sure she feels terrible for what happened, but a single 24 year old is going to feel very different about her choice than a woman who was married for 6 years and thought having children wiht this man was a step she would be taking at some point. You really can't gain anything from contacting her. She can't either. She may not know that you know, she may not have told anyone, I wouldn't bet she certainly doesn't want to rehash an extremely private and painful situation with her ex boyfriends ex wife. I know you're looking for some sort of peace, but she is not going to give it to you. Really, leave her alone. You're going to have to find some other way to deal with this.

EastCoastBride

Sillygirl45 said:

Her situation was so completely different than yours. Everyone is different. I don't think she would want to hear from you and she is likely not harboring the guilt and resentment you are. I'm sure she feels terrible for what happened, but a single 24 year old is going to feel very different about her choice than a woman who was married for 6 years and thought having children wiht this man was a step she would be taking at some point. You really can't gain anything from contacting her. She can't either. She may not know that you know, she may not have told anyone, I wouldn't bet she certainly doesn't want to rehash an extremely private and painful situation with her ex boyfriends ex wife. I know you're looking for some sort of peace, but she is not going to give it to you. Really, leave her alone. You're going to have to find some other way to deal with this.

All of this.  And trust me- you can probably find a support group for women who have gone through abortions.  At least online if not in person.  She shouldn't be your outlet for your emotions on this topic.

Leftie22

PP said it well. If what you're looking for is support from other women who have had abortions, there are groups and forums where you could meet or talk to those women. Contacting your ex's ex-girlfriend would be terrible, and an invasion of her privacy. It doesn't sound like she told you about the abortion, so for you to contact her and tell her you know about it would NOT be a good conversation starter. I'm sorry for what you went through, and your ex sounds like a total jerk. Talking to a counsellor would be a much healthier decision for you than getting in touch with the other woman. Good luck, I hope you find some good supports.

KMB1116

Thanks for the opinions, all. I definitely considered the things you're suggesting, such as it being an invasion of her privacy. I don't think there's necessarily anything she'd gain from it, and you're right that I could gain at least some of what I'm looking for from other resources. As I said, I have been in therapy, and that's been invaluable, but it is different from talking with someone who's been in your shoes.

As a vent, I'm also just angry that the ex seems to have been more willing to support her in the aftermath, at least by continuing their friendship. He and I do not speak unless it's necessary, and whenever I try to bring the pregnancy up, he literally just ignores me. I know that I'm better off without him, especially because he's really done a 180 and become a completely different person (he used to work non-stop and was very responsible from a very young age; now he hasn't worked in nearly 2 years by choice and has been experimenting with drugs, etc.). It's hard to watch him devolve, even from afar, and I guess I keep expecting him to be the person he used to be, who was patient and a good listener. 

kss20

I would suggest removing him from your life completely.  Delete him from facebook, don't let your friends or family talk about him around you, just move on.  Don't forget or try to pretend he never happened, just move on from it.  It sounds like he is a very toxic person who can really only bring you down.  You're better off that he doesn't want to be around you and instead enjoys the company of the "other woman."  She can just have fun with that ish.

KMB1116

Ha, thanks so much, kss20- I really appreciate your support

TarponMonoxide

KMB1116 said:

A year ago, my husband and I were in the middle of separating and living 1500 miles apart. I went to visit him to discuss things in person, and a couple of weeks later, found out I was pregnant. I was in grad school, but the baby would have been due a week after graduation. I didn't want to get back together with my husband just for this reason, and I was scared about being able to find a job and support myself and the child. I tried to talk to him about ways we could make it work, but he was adamant we terminate and flew to my city to take me to the doctor. The morning of the appointment, my phone was broken and I used his to get direction's to the office- he was in the shower so I snooped in his texts and realized his girlfriend was also pregnant. She had told him she was pregnant two days before I did, and he was planning to fly back home after our appointment and take her to the doctor two days later. She also had an abortion.

It's been exactly a year, and I've been in therapy, and we had our official divorce, but I think about this every day. If I could have afforded a child alone, I would have had the baby without hesitation (as it turns out, I still haven't found a job, four months after graduation, so perhaps it is for the best). His girlfriend doesn't know that I was also pregnant. Ex-husband and I barely speak, and he's been no support during this at all. He refuses to take responsibility and claims that "the universe meant for this to happen." I'm thinking of contacting the girlfriend (they're no longer dating), just to see if she wants to talk. Truly, I'm not angry with her at all- I'm just looking for someone who understands, and I also don't think it's fair to her that she doesn't have the full story.

Would love any advice, or words of wisdom or support.

This is terrible. What a horrible thing to have happened.

I am not certain that asking to see if she wants to talk would be a good idea. She may be divisive, nuts, very combative or wow, anything else. She also may not even return your call or want to take a trip down memory lane; who knows what she's going through?

I suggest bereavement counseling for you. If you're Catholic, there's also Project Rachel -- maybe you can look into that, also.

Sillygirl45

kss20 said:

I would suggest removing him from your life completely.  Delete him from facebook, don't let your friends or family talk about him around you, just move on.  Don't forget or try to pretend he never happened, just move on from it.  It sounds like he is a very toxic person who can really only bring you down.  You're better off that he doesn't want to be around you and instead enjoys the company of the "other woman."  She can just have fun with that ish.

This. Absolutely. He is not the person you thought he was. I am so sorry for you. I would look in to a support group. You can talk to people who have been there and hopefully you will feel less alone. I can't imagine what you're going through with so many difficult things happening at once. Good luck to you.

KMB1116

Thank you, everyone- I really appreciate hearing your perspectives. I would love to join a support group, and will see if I can find any in my area. 

TarponMonoxide- I was raised Catholic, but don't consider myself religious. I"m nervous about whether they might shame women who choose to have abortions (maybe that's not fair).

kss20

KMB1116 said:

Thank you, everyone- I really appreciate hearing your perspectives. I would love to join a support group, and will see if I can find any in my area. 

TarponMonoxide- I was raised Catholic, but don't consider myself religious. I"m nervous about whether they might shame women who choose to have abortions (maybe that's not fair).

I was also raised Catholic.  I think that there are SOME churches and priests who would totally shame you and make you feel bad, but I also think that there are many that won't and they'll be supportive and understanding.  Not every church is equal.  You might just need to shop around for the right fit for you.

loves2shop4shoes

It sounds like you need counseling.

I don't think contacting his ex would really solve anything.

KMB1116

Thanks, kss20- shopping around is a good idea.

loves2shop4shoes- thankfully, I have an excellent therapist

PinkSquirrels

There is absolutely no reason to drag her into your difficulties surrounding how things went.  

Now, if you feel like you need to talk to someone about your abortion, you can call Exhale.  They're pretty awesome and will support and talk through any of your feelings surrounding your abortion.