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Need advice about my mom & her divorce from my dad
I used to come on the Nest a lot, but haven't in years -- but I need some anonymous advice so I'm back :-)
My parents have been divorced for over 20 years and it was a bitter divorce. My mother is still not over it and says she is still having nightmares over what my Dad "did to her." She thinks that if she tells me "what he did" then her nightmares will stop. She's been to countless counselors who told her not to tell me (and my sister) and we've told her a million times we don't want to be involved, but she says "now you are all grown, I can not hold it in anymore."
I was in high school at the time and have my guesses about what happened. She suspected him of affairs their entire 17 year marriage -- he's never admitted to me, but I'm 99.9% sure there had to be at least one. They used to fight all the time and often things were thrown or broken. When I was 16 my dad told me that he knew it was time to leave because he "wanted to throw a vaccuum at her" -- but he stopped himself and left (my sister and I were there for that fight). Given his temper at the time, I wouldn't be surprised if he hit her, but I never saw bruises and she never went to the hospital as far as I know. I know my dad sucked as a husband back then and I was angry at him back then (for the cheating, at the time I believed him when he told me he never hit her) and over time I've come to terms with it all and now we have a fantastic relationship. My relationship with my mother is strained, at best.
I told my mom that I don't want to know whatever it is that he did 20+ years ago. She says, "My children, of all people should want to comfort me". Believe me, my sister and I have been comforting her for 25 years and it will never stop -- but I feel we don't need to know the specfics of "what he did". When I told her that she said, "If you and your sister do not want to have any relationship with me - just let me know. I will NOT understand, but I will always love you all."
So, what would you do? Would you let her tell you? My fear is that it will be something horrible, but I can't imagine what that horrible thing could be. If it's that he really did hit her or threathened to kill her, I've already come to terms with that possibiltiy in my mind years ago, but I'm afraid of how I'll feel if hear that it really happened and how detailed she'll be in telling me.
Thanks
Re: Need advice about my mom & her divorce from my dad
It is NOT your job, as her child, to comfort her. I find that a really weird expectation of hers.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It is NOT your job, as her child, to comfort her. I find that a really weird expectation of hers.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My parents divorced when I was two years old. They then had a 16 year long custody battle over my brother and myself. It was traumatic, and really disrupted my childhood.
My mother has always been the martyr, the victim, and has always pulled the "poor me" card. My father undoubtedly was not the best husband to her, but she had a definite role in their relationship's demise as well. FFS, they only knew each other ONE MONTH before getting engaged, and SIX MONTHS prior to getting married. They didn't know each other well enough to get married in the first place!
Growing up, my mother would always tell my brother and me HORRIBLE things about my dad (some of which were probably true, some of which definitely were not)...and THEN she would say things like, "But he's your father, I WANT you to have a good relationship with him."
It was so manipulative. Actions speak louder than words. And actively telling your child HORRIBLE things about her father that she does not need to hear speaks much louder than saying, "Have a good relationship with him." My mother destroyed my brother's views of my father, and to this day, their relationship is nonexistent. My mother and I have a much more strained relationship because I refuse to buy into her "the divorce was 100% your father's fault" mentality.
It sounds like your mother and mine would be buddies. You do NOT need to know any details about their marriage's demise. She should grow the fuck up, get a therapist, get some friends, and learn that her children don't need to take sides. If she chose to have children by this man, she needs to accept that it is her job to support her children's relationship with him and NOT intervene, no matter WHAT he did.
If she refuses to have a relationship with you unless you listen to this, I would sever ties. Or, at least, I would tell her, "Listen. This man is my father. Frankly, I don't care what transpired between the two of you two decades ago. If you are still having issues coping with what happened, I recommend you get therapy and/or medication. It is not my responsibility to hear this. I am his daughter, and your staunch insistence on telling me horrible things about my father only makes you look like a selfish, bad mother. Please stop this immediately, or I will cut ties with you."
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Any way you slice it, her goals, whatever they may be, are selfish and damaging to you.
Not exactly Mom of the Year material, is it?
Click me, click me!
I can't imagine being in this situation. My father did horrible things to my mother when I was younger, but luckily she never told me about any of them and never talked down on him. I remember what happened, and it strains our relationship to this day. But my mother let me choose the relationship I have with him and did not interfere at all, in fact she encouraged we have a realtionship with him. He made the choice to walk out more times than I can count though, so while I'm cordial towards him we really have no relationship.
I agree with PPs you do not need to "comfort" your mother and you also do need to hear the details of their divorce. She should let you form opinions based on your own experiences with your father and not hers.
Difference is that I lived with them after college when all the sh$$ started hitting the fan. I knew WAY too much. I heard everything he did to her. I had to deal with his verbal abuse of her in front of me. I had to watch her cry constantly. I had to hear and witness nothing any child wants to deal with and it quite possibly ruined the relationship possibility with my father. After he finally left, he didn't call me for 5 years... he was a coward. So, I was left to mop up the devistation he left and my mom will NEVER get over it.
My brother was in college at the time and he never had to bear witness to anything that happened. He got a phone call where most likely my mom said my father was leaving her and that he had been cheating. And as a guy, that was all he needed to know. We couldn't talk at that point since I was caught in the middle and dealing with my mom who had fallen apart....and he didn't want to know what happened at all.
Honestly... if I could erase my memory of all the events that happened....I would in a heartbeat. I get very frustrated that my mom won't ever move on...as if that is keeping him somehow accountable when all it does is keep her from living. She is an eternal victim, but I can't change that either. While I can understand why she hates him... I get so frustrated that she has lost all will to try to be happy.
If your mother telling you would really help her....(which I doubt) and you can really be sure that it wouldn't rock your world, then it couldn't do any harm. Either way.... it isn't fair of her to still want to put you in the middle all these years later. Sounds like she is saying that you might understand her better if you know the full story, don't know if that matters. Good luck whichever you decide.
My parents got divorced too, though in my case it was my mom who left my dad. They didn't talk trash about each other at the time... they did years later, though they didn't seem to expect us kids to choose sides so much as they just wanted an audience to rant to. Thankfully they got over themselves and get along very well nowadays, and my dad and stepdad get along well too. They even all hang out for holidays and each other's birthdays. I'm grateful that they grew up, because that showed us kids once and for all that they wanted to put us first, regardless of what had happened between them in the past. They wanted our family to be intact, whatever that looked like.
Your mom's motivation for telling you "the truth" of what happened between her and your dad is, therefore, suspect to me. This is not putting you first, or showing a desire to keep any semblance of peace in the family. This is not showing any regard for the fact that, once upon a time, she loved your father enough to have children with him and try to spend her life with him. This does not value either of you as people. It shows instead that "misery loves company." She may well be right in her belief that she'll feel better when she tells you her version of what happened, because she knows she will be placing her own self-inflicted burden onto your shoulders, and possibly destroying your relationship with your father just like her relationship with him was destroyed. Sort of a different twist on the old "if I can't have him, no one can."
JillShari brings up a good point that - maybe - your mom thinks you might better understand where she's coming from if you knew all the dirt. But as other posters have said, you'll only be getting her own (unbalanced) side of the story, and things like this have a tendency to cause a lot more damage than what they fix.
You have my sympathies.