Relationships
FLY106
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Routine, Work, Communication, Lifestyles, Growing Apart...
Hi,
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We dated for 9 years before we got married. I know things change once you are married, especially since we've been together for almost 13 years but I'm really worried about how all these changes are affecting our relationship. We've been arguing on and off for some time and it seems that no matter what the arguement is about, it always comes down to the same thing. We have different ways of going about things...I'm a talker and very emotional , my husband is not. This is always a problem for me because it seems that he never really tells me straight out what he's thinking until I come up with a conversation and practically have to force him to talk. This always results in an arguement and our arguements tend to deviate from the original point. I just don't know what to do anymore. I always knew he wasn't really a talker but over the past few years, it's gotten worse...and I've noticed he shares less and less with me as time goes by. When I get home he's always watching sports but gets mad at me for being on the phone, when he does talk to me it always seems to be about how I should exercise and diet. Doesnt' talk about his day, doesn't care about mine. All he wants to do is talk about fitness or fitness related. I know I've gained A LOT of weight but him not sharing anything else with me besides that really hurts my feelings.
We don't spend a lot of time together because of our work schedules, when he gets out of work he does whatever he wants, when I get home I would like to do the things we used to do before we got married...relax, cuddle, watch a movie, talk. All he wants to do is keep doing his thing which is sports and fitness related and when I don't he gets mad so we end up doing our own thing, him in the living room and me in the bedroom. Then he complains about that.
Am I alone in this? Has Work, Routine, Lifestyles affected your relationships? Has it caused you to grow apart? Can this be a reason to get divorced? What do u do? I've tried to get advice from my trusted few but what I've gotten from them is men are like that, maybe he's bored, maybe you should lose weight...is this for real???? Didn't we vow to be together through it all??? I know I should make an effort on losing weight but is this really that important? Is it right to let everything else go just because the person you married doesn't look the way you would like them to look or watches sports or exercise like u do? What about love, quality time, communication?
Re: Routine, Work, Communication, Lifestyles, Growing Apart...
I gained a lot of weight between the time my man and I started dating and when we got engaged. I don't know your experience first hand, but I do know that for me I felt horrible about myself and we had a lot of arguments and tension. None of it centered around my weight but I soon began to realize that the tension came from me being uncomfortable with myself which caused me to be less intimate with him. I finally started weight watchers and within 2 months lost 20 lbs and kept dropping weight every week until I hit my goal. It made A WORLD of difference to our relationship.
I think the difference for you is that if you need/want to lose weight, you need to do it for you. You need to go into it wanting it for yourself. I think if I had done this in an attempt to appease my man, I would be bitter about it, but I also think that it probably would help things. And not to be harsh but a loss of sexual attraction to your spouse can end a marriage. Sex is important!
The second thing that I feel after reading your post is that you should really get into marriage counseling. You two have some major communication issues. Men and women almost ALWAYS express emotion and communicate differently. That shouldn't end your marriage. You can figure out how to communicate with each other in a way that supports a resolution of your issues and fosters growth and intimacy. It can just be hard to figure out how to go about doing this without a pro, sometimes.
As far as the fitness, lets take weight off the table. Lets just talk about eating healthing and doing something fun that is also physical. Can you guys meet half way? LIke ride bikes, play tennis, go for a walk, go hiking, hit a few golf balls etc. Something not so typical meat head lift weights guy thing, but something fun that you can do together that also takes into consideration your husband's desire to be active.
I am currently handling the weight gain of my husband (50lbs). I don't say he is fat, but simply say, "WE should eat healthier, WE should work out more." Doing something physical with your partner such as a walk, tennis, buying a program such as P90X will improve your relationship. You will be able to talk more, spend more time together and feel more secure. Try making a small step to make that time, and compromise with fitness. Make a healthy meal together by searching recipes. While he is starting to feel better, I am also feeling better. It works out great!
I understand what you mean by "vow to be together through it all." I think that your husband might be thinking of your well-being, but maybe isn't expressing it in the right way. I know that when I feel sexy, I want to be sexy.Physical attraction is important in a relationship. Some people may think this is "shallow", but you know what you are and are not attracted to. It's a hard journey to change something about you whether it is physical or emotional. If you husband is very into fitness and dieting, ask him for some tips. He will probably love feeling of being needed and suggesting advice. Good luck, hope things get better.