Routine, Work, Lifestyles, Communication, Growing Apart...

FLY106

Hi,

 My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We dated for 9 years before we got married. I know things change once you are married, especially since we've been together for almost 13 years but I'm really worried about how all these changes are affecting our relationship. We've been arguing on and off for some time and it seems that no matter what the arguement is about, it always comes down to the same thing. We have different ways of going about things...I'm a talker and very emotional , my husband is not. This is always a problem for me because it seems that he never really tells me straight out what he's thinking until I come up with a conversation and practically have to force him to talk. This always results in an arguement and our arguements tend to deviate from the original point. I just don't know what to do anymore. I always knew he wasn't really a talker but over the past few years, it's gotten worse...and I've noticed he shares less and less with me as time goes by. When I get home he's always watching sports but gets mad at me for being on the phone, when he does talk to me it always seems to be about how I should exercise and diet. Doesnt' talk about his day, doesn't care about mine. All he wants to do is talk about fitness or fitness related. I know I've gained A LOT of weight but him not sharing anything else with me besides that really hurts my feelings. 

We don't spend a lot of time together because of our work schedules, when he gets out of work he does whatever he wants, when I get home I would like to do the things we used to do before we got married...relax, cuddle, watch a movie, talk. All he wants to do is keep doing his thing which is sports and fitness related and when I don't he gets mad so we end up doing our own thing, him in the living room and me in the bedroom. Then he complains about that.

  Am I alone in this? Has Work, Routine, Lifestyles affected your relationships? Has it caused you to grow apart? Can this be a reason to get divorced? What do u do? I've tried to get advice from my trusted few but what I've gotten from them is men are like that, maybe he's bored, maybe you should lose weight...is this for real???? Didn't we vow to be together through it all??? I know I should make an effort on losing weight but is this really that important? Is it right to let everything else go just because the person you married doesn't look the way you would like them to look or watches sports or exercise like u do? What about love, quality time, communication?

Leftie22

Hmm, that's tough. Was he always so into fitness and sports, or is this a new thing? All I can think of is that if he's willing, you could both try to reach a compromise that feels good to both of you. He agrees to do something with you every day or every other day that YOU like, and vice versa. That way you spend time together, and you both push yourselves to do something your spouse is interested in. I think lifestyles can definitely have an impact on a relationship, if both partners aren't willing to take at least a little interest in the things their partner likes to do. For example, my DH just crashes in front of the TV every night, whereas I hate watching TV and would rather do something or putter around a bit. So we try to compromise. Last evening, we bundled up with our son and went outside to play and rake some leaves, then came in and watched a show together. I felt better because we got something done that had been on my mind, and DH still got his TV time. Talk to your DH and see if you can agree on some activities to do together. I don't know what to say about the weight thing, that's such a touchy issue. I would be hurt if my DH was always talking to me about my weight, but I can also understand that it's tough for a partner if they're worried about the other person's health. A lot depends on his attitude and choice of words when he talks to you about it, and whether it's for health reasons or just appearance. That's a really tough one.

TattieSoup

Maybe if you engage a bit with his hobbies he will be more willing to engage with yours. His comments about your weight do sound very hurtful and I understand why they are upsetting you, but is it possible he is pressing you to exercise because he is interested in fitness and would like to share it with you?

What kind of fitness is he into? Could you run or swim together, or try a couples fitness activity like tennis or dancing? If you are very unfit I know this might sound uncomfortable or embarassing but it sounds like it would be good for your health AND your relationship.

After these sessions you could plan to spend time together by getting a coffee or even dinner before you go home, or by watching a movie and snuggling when you get back like you want to do. That way you are both getting a bit of what makes you happy and by spending the time together you have more chances to talk and share how you are feeling.

cordsniper

Dose of honesty.  He thinks your fat, he is not attracted and if you don't change, his bitterness is going to leak into every other part of your relationship.  Especially if this is just a post marriage issue.  I doubt he wants to talk about it and is trying to get you to, as nicely but firmly as possible by encouraging healthy activities, work out and lose the weight.  If you were comfortable with yourself, it would be one thing but it doesn't sound like you are.  Start exercising with him or on your own and you will both feel better.  Offer to take a walk a long walk after work with him.  You get to talk and its exercise.  

I would be quite unhappy if my DH put on, as you describe,  a ton of weight post marriage.  15lbs is one thing but to me, a ton of weight is significantly more.  I would not want to cuddle, eat, relax on the couch and watch movies because those activities just increase the problem.  No one is perfect but it sounds like he has tried gentle encouragement and you have done nothing to put the breaks on the weight. 

aimindahouse

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough patch precious lady! From everything you have said, I can understand why you are feeling a bit unsure. Every marriage is different, but one piece of advice I heard has really helped me in times like these. That is to 'Love Anyway'.

To be honest, there are a lot of times in my marriage where I feel that my husband does not deserve my kindness, the things I do for him, or the honor I show him. That's because somewhere along the way I began to feel taken advantage of or unappreciated. Sometimes I'm right. Sometimes it's just my interpretation. Either way, there's an issue and my heart is broken.

In these times, I pray for the strength to love my husband in a way that goes beyond what he deserves. I start making it a priority to understand him more, to really truly seek out his great qualities and focus on them every single day (sometimes several times in a day). All the while in the back of my mind is 'What about me?', 'Who's looking after me?'. It hurts, and is not easy.

However, it's worked so many times I really believe in the power 'Love Anyway' holds. The whole experience changes me as a person. Something amazing happens...I change to the point that the issues don't control me or my husband changes in relation to the love he has experienced. Husbands are smart and they know us so well:)

I hope this helps. Thinking of you and hoping for the best!

Check this poem out by Mother Teresa: http://www.krististephens.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Love-them-anyway.jpg

FLY106

aimindahouse said:

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough patch precious lady! From everything you have said, I can understand why you are feeling a bit unsure. Every marriage is different, but one piece of advice I heard has really helped me in times like these. That is to 'Love Anyway'.

To be honest, there are a lot of times in my marriage where I feel that my husband does not deserve my kindness, the things I do for him, or the honor I show him. That's because somewhere along the way I began to feel taken advantage of or unappreciated. Sometimes I'm right. Sometimes it's just my interpretation. Either way, there's an issue and my heart is broken.

In these times, I pray for the strength to love my husband in a way that goes beyond what he deserves. I start making it a priority to understand him more, to really truly seek out his great qualities and focus on them every single day (sometimes several times in a day). All the while in the back of my mind is 'What about me?', 'Who's looking after me?'. It hurts, and is not easy.

However, it's worked so many times I really believe in the power 'Love Anyway' holds. The whole experience changes me as a person. Something amazing happens...I change to the point that the issues don't control me or my husband changes in relation to the love he has experienced. Husbands are smart and they know us so well:)

I hope this helps. Thinking of you and hoping for the best!

Check this poem out by Mother Teresa: http://www.krististephens.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Love-them-anyway.jpg

Thank u for ur wonderful advise!!!! Reading these encouraging words without any judgement really helps. 

FLY106

Leftie22 said:

Hmm, that's tough. Was he always so into fitness and sports, or is this a new thing? All I can think of is that if he's willing, you could both try to reach a compromise that feels good to both of you. He agrees to do something with you every day or every other day that YOU like, and vice versa. That way you spend time together, and you both push yourselves to do something your spouse is interested in. I think lifestyles can definitely have an impact on a relationship, if both partners aren't willing to take at least a little interest in the things their partner likes to do. For example, my DH just crashes in front of the TV every night, whereas I hate watching TV and would rather do something or putter around a bit. So we try to compromise. Last evening, we bundled up with our son and went outside to play and rake some leaves, then came in and watched a show together. I felt better because we got something done that had been on my mind, and DH still got his TV time. Talk to your DH and see if you can agree on some activities to do together. I don't know what to say about the weight thing, that's such a touchy issue. I would be hurt if my DH was always talking to me about my weight, but I can also understand that it's tough for a partner if they're worried about the other person's health. A lot depends on his attitude and choice of words when he talks to you about it, and whether it's for health reasons or just appearance. That's a really tough one.

He's always been into sports and fitness but lately he's been almost "obsessed" with it. I don't mind him wanting to be healthy but what I do mind is that sometimes it seems that it all revolves around the same subject. We are trying to work on doing things we both enjoy together, I just wish he'd chose a better way to get me into being healthier. Thank u for ur wonderful advise, I really appreciate it!!!! 

FLY106

TattieSoup said:

Maybe if you engage a bit with his hobbies he will be more willing to engage with yours. His comments about your weight do sound very hurtful and I understand why they are upsetting you, but is it possible he is pressing you to exercise because he is interested in fitness and would like to share it with you?

What kind of fitness is he into? Could you run or swim together, or try a couples fitness activity like tennis or dancing? If you are very unfit I know this might sound uncomfortable or embarassing but it sounds like it would be good for your health AND your relationship.

After these sessions you could plan to spend time together by getting a coffee or even dinner before you go home, or by watching a movie and snuggling when you get back like you want to do. That way you are both getting a bit of what makes you happy and by spending the time together you have more chances to talk and share how you are feeling.

I've always been supportive of his hobbies, it's just been harder lately because it seems like that's all he wants to do and talk about. Sometimes it sounds like he considers what I like and my lifestyle to be wrong. That's the hard part and what causes a lot of the arguements and distance. 

 I do know I have to get healthier and get his point, I just dont want it to be all about that. Doing active things is not that hard for me, I dont consider myself to be extremely over weight just not as fit as he is. I am trying though. Would just like for him to have a better approach. Thank u for ur comments. I really appreciate it!!

FLY106

cordsniper said:

Dose of honesty.  He thinks your fat, he is not attracted and if you don't change, his bitterness is going to leak into every other part of your relationship.  Especially if this is just a post marriage issue.  I doubt he wants to talk about it and is trying to get you to, as nicely but firmly as possible by encouraging healthy activities, work out and lose the weight.  If you were comfortable with yourself, it would be one thing but it doesn't sound like you are.  Start exercising with him or on your own and you will both feel better.  Offer to take a walk a long walk after work with him.  You get to talk and its exercise.  

I would be quite unhappy if my DH put on, as you describe,  a ton of weight post marriage.  15lbs is one thing but to me, a ton of weight is significantly more.  I would not want to cuddle, eat, relax on the couch and watch movies because those activities just increase the problem.  No one is perfect but it sounds like he has tried gentle encouragement and you have done nothing to put the breaks on the weight. 

Wow!! Thank u for being so honest. Though, I respect ur opinion and have considered it to be possible. I dont think it's right for someone to base their relationships on looks alone. I married through it all and would expect for him to do the same. Honestly, as much as it would hurt for our relationship to end, if it was all based on that I would rather it ended. 

The weight gain is not a post marriage issue because I had already gained weight before we even got engaged. Yes, I have gained more since then and do not feel totally comfortable about it but not to the point where I let it control my life. It's more of a problem when he is harsh about it. 

What good would it do for our relationship if I lost all the weight and didn't have anything else? I'm willing to do it for myself and for him. Just think that it shouldn't be all about that. We've been together a very long time. Things have changed on the looks department not only for me but also for him. Yes, he's still fit but that doesnt mean there arent other things I wish were different or better. I just chose to look passed such superficial things because I love him and I know it would hurt his feeling if I mentioned them all the time. Being frustrated doesn't give someone a free card to be mean. 

Thank u for ur comment. I appreciate different points of view. We're a work in progress.