Routine, Work, Lifestyles, Communication, Growing Apart...

FLY106

Hi,

 My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We dated for 9 years before we got married. I know things change once you are married, especially since we've been together for almost 13 years but I'm really worried about how all these changes are affecting our relationship. We've been arguing on and off for some time and it seems that no matter what the arguement is about, it always comes down to the same thing. We have different ways of going about things...I'm a talker and very emotional , my husband is not. This is always a problem for me because it seems that he never really tells me straight out what he's thinking until I come up with a conversation and practically have to force him to talk. This always results in an arguement and our arguements tend to deviate from the original point. I just don't know what to do anymore. I always knew he wasn't really a talker but over the past few years, it's gotten worse...and I've noticed he shares less and less with me as time goes by. When I get home he's always watching sports but gets mad at me for being on the phone, when he does talk to me it always seems to be about how I should exercise and diet. Doesnt' talk about his day, doesn't care about mine. All he wants to do is talk about fitness or fitness related. I know I've gained A LOT of weight but him not sharing anything else with me besides that really hurts my feelings. 

We don't spend a lot of time together because of our work schedules, when he gets out of work he does whatever he wants, when I get home I would like to do the things we used to do before we got married...relax, cuddle, watch a movie, talk. All he wants to do is keep doing his thing which is sports and fitness related and when I don't he gets mad so we end up doing our own thing, him in the living room and me in the bedroom. Then he complains about that.

  Am I alone in this? Has Work, Routine, Lifestyles affected your relationships? Has it caused you to grow apart? Can this be a reason to get divorced? What do u do? I've tried to get advice from my trusted few but what I've gotten from them is men are like that, maybe he's bored, maybe you should lose weight...is this for real???? Didn't we vow to be together through it all??? I know I should make an effort on losing weight but is this really that important? Is it right to let everything else go just because the person you married doesn't look the way you would like them to look or watches sports or exercise like u do? What about love, quality time, communication?

loves2shop4shoes

I've gained about 40lbs. since DH and I first started dating.  On my 5'5" frame, that's a lot.

But is he talking about exercise because he wants to include you in his interests or hobbies, because he wants you to be healthier, or for strictly vanity reasons?

If the only thing he'll talk to you about is exercise, and it's only for vanity reasons, that's a problem.  Your husband should love you and communicate with you regardless of what you look like or how physically fit you are.

Have you thought about couples counseling?  I think you need to talk about what's really going on here.

FLY106

I've gained a lot more than that since we started dating 13 years ago, although at first it wasn't really a problem cause I was really underweight. I'm only 5'2". Whenever I ask him he always says its because he likes exercise and wants me to be healthy but lately I'm having a hard time believing it's only because of that and not also for vanity reasons.

I have mentioned couples therapy to him before but since he's really not a talker and according to him doesnt have to let anyone know his business, he hasn't been willing to go. Last time I mentioned it he looked for couples advise on the net...

tiffanysbride

After all of our losses I started to work out again and just get back into my normal routines, DH did not. Fitness is something we've always enjoyed so I talked about it and was excited about getting back into things I use to enjoy. DH would get a little weird and like you would go off to do something else. It took a while but he finally told me that he felt like I was unhappy with the weight he'd gained and that's why I was talking about exercising. I can tell you that while I did want him to be active with me, it wasn't done b/c I wanted him to loss weight to look a certain way, it was b/c we use to do those things together and I wanted to share that again. 

If you made it through all of that, here's my point: DH was internalizing something I never intended due to his insecurities. Is it possible that you are doing the same? Sounds like fitness and sports are where your husband finds enjoyment outside of work, so that's what he wants to talk with you about. Nothing you've mentioned suggests he's being cruel or talking about your physical appearance. Do something fitness related with him, what is it going to hurt? You want to spent time together, so try it. Then pick something to do that you would like to do, like watch a movie, etc. 

As to the communication issues, you guys need to work through that one together and quickly. Ignoring something and being silent is never going to help a marriage. Maybe read a book or something along those lines before jumping into a counseling session. Paul Tripp has one, What Did You Expect? that is really good, he's a Christian so that may or may not appeal to you but it talks to communication and how the day to day stuff affects marriage (no head of the household stuff). 

Also, counseling doesn't have to be about telling everyone your darkest secrets, you can go simply to gain better communication skills. Oh and you can go alone if you want to, you don't need him there. 

loves2shop4shoes

@tiffanysbride, I'm so sorry for your losses.

Sillygirl45

Would your H be interested in getting active with you? Working out, going for a walk or bike ride can be a great way to spend time together and get healthy. Maybe he feels like you're not trying and you guys don't have much in common. I haven't gained much weight since my H and I met, but he doesn't love food like I do and is thinner than I am. He makes comments about my love of bread and cheese that sometimes hurt my feelings. I know he just thinks he's being funny, but because I'm sensitive about my weight, there are times I will tell him it's not funny and to knock it off. He's always proud of me when I'm working out and eating right, and doesn't make a big deal when I'm not doing so well. 

It sounds like you want to know he will love you no matter what. That is a valid desire. However, it's hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves. Are you feeling depressed about your weight but not doing anything about it because you want him to prove he loves you anyway? 

Hopefully, you knew him well enough before marriage to know he loves you and will stand behind you. Maybe you could start walking after work together or doing some other activity to show you are trying, and maybe he will give a little too. 

If he's not going to talk to you about your communication issues and at least try, I say move on and be happy however you need to. The fact that he even looked for advice online tells me he has some desire to work on your relationship. Only you know what is really going on and what you can live with.

TarponMonoxide

loves2shop4shoes said:

I've gained about 40lbs. since DH and I first started dating.  On my 5'5" frame, that's a lot.

But is he talking about exercise because he wants to include you in his interests or hobbies, because he wants you to be healthier, or for strictly vanity reasons?

If the only thing he'll talk to you about is exercise, and it's only for vanity reasons, that's a problem.  Your husband should love you and communicate with you regardless of what you look like or how physically fit you are.

Have you thought about couples counseling?  I think you need to talk about what's really going on here.

2 separate styles of communicating is not bad. That is how each of you are. What is bad is that there is no way for the 2 of you to resolve an issue together and to do it in such a way that the outcome and during-come is satisfactory to you both.

Communication is key. Get yourselves to a counselor.

And if he is so keen about you getting in shape and he wants to *include you* then why doesn't he suggest something you can do together like martial arts or ballroom dancing?

EastCoastBride

 

FLY106 said:

I know things change once you are married, especially since we've been together for almost 13 years but I'm really worried about how all these changes are affecting our relationship.

This statement makes no sense to me. After being together for 9 years, what is it about marriage that you think is going to suddenly going to change your relationship?  What are "these changes" that you're referring to?

This is coming from someone who was w/ her DH for 11 years before marriage.

HOnestly, when I see statements like this, what it tells me is that there were problems in your relationship before you got married.  But you decided to ignore the issues all in the hopes of "Oh- but once we get married, everything will be better!".  And now you're finding out that's not the case.  But insetad of owning up to the faact that you're issues probably at least had a foundation before marriage, you'd rather blame "marriage" as the reason. 

"Marriage" isnt' the reason you're having problems.  You're having problems because you're having problems. 

If you want to find real solutions, you have to start looking at the actual problems.

FLY106

My statement doesn't make sense to you because you read it and based your understanding on your previous experiences with people blaming marriage for their problems.
I didn't go out explaining all the details about the changes because 1: I wrote what the changes might be on the tittle 2: when you go from not living with someone to sharing a home, bills, etc...all these things are changes to your relationship since you didn't have to share them before. 3: there were a a lot more things that I wanted to write so in order to not make a long first comment I decided not to include and save for future comments.

Our foundation was very solid before we got married...solid doesn't mean perfect so there were always little arguments here and there, none to do with what we're going through now. I am not blaming marriage or ignored our problems thinking they were gonna disappear once we did get married. We didn't have these problems before we got married. Yes, he's always been reserved and not much of a talker but when it came to sharing his life and looking for ways to make our relationship better, he never had a problem or closed himself off.
There was a reason for us dating 9 years before we got married and I believe that in those years we got to know each other as much as we could in our situation. We spent most of our days together, and in those years we shared different stages of our lives together ( he was 18, I was 20 when we started dating). When I referenced things after marriage what I meant was sharing a home, chores, bills, having to work crazy hours in order to be able to support OUR home. That could put a lot of pressure on a couple , especially if these things affect the time you were used to spend before. Our major problems didn't come overnight but they did start after we got married because the things affecting us now in a major way were things we didn't have to deal with before we got married.
I have a clear understanding on what our problems are right now and I think I stated that in the rest of my comment after my initial statement.
The reason why I wrote it on here was because I wanted advice and wondered if there was anyone else out there that had experienced this in their marriage.

FLY106

Thank u ladies for ur wonderful advice. I will respond to u all. Replying from my cell is not that easy ;-)

EastCoastBride

O.k.- being together 9 years, I will say that I assumed you had lived together.  As you hadn't - THAT is probably the biggest factor that is playing a role in all these changes.  NOT the actual "marriage" part.  LIving together IS a huge adjustment.