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lilmama412

blueobsidian

First of all, I know that your husband is seeing a counselor, but are you?  It sounds like you need just as much support as he does.  If you are truly intent on saving this relationship, you also need to be in marriage counseling together.

That said, I don't think this relationship should be saved.

You say that you haven't left because of your son, but you need to leave FOR your son.  Why would you want to stay with someone who calls you a stupid bitch every day?  Your son is going to see this behavior.  Do you want him to grow up thinking that it is alright to treat women this way?  If this is the model relationship he has, he will very probably grow up being angry and abusive too.

It's healthier for kids to grow up in a happy household than in one with constant fighting and abuse.  The name calling is not OK.  You crying every day is not OK.  Not sharing the responsibilities and working together to manage the household is not OK.  Is this really the example you want to set for your child?

doeydo

I agree with blueobsidian.  Being verbally/emotionally abused by your husband isn't something you want your son to see, grow up with, and think that it is normal, is it?  Also, mothers almost always get the majority of the custody.  My half-sisters only stayed with their father every other weekend for two days.   ETA grammar

TarponMonoxide

PTSD does NOT mean that you are somehow given the go ahead to call your wife names!

He's positively wrong. And in the wrong and this is not acceptable.

Couples counseling is needed and he also needs anger management.

You sit him down and you tell him no holds barred that 1-he is to address you with respect and no questions asked 2-he is to pitch in and help you wiuth housework also  and 3-he is to get anger management counseling and couples counseling with you stat.

If he refuses to do all of the above, leave.

And tell him that his compliance with all 3 issues is mandatory or his marriage will be over.

Indeed your son will grow up thinking it is fine to treat women like a common skivvy -- either that, or your son will grow up to be the world's biggest doormat himself. Neither outcome is good for your son. Your son also should not be in the presence of anyone who uses abusive language.

If your H will not comply with the above, leave. Do it when he is not home; go home to your parent's home or anywhere else but there.

lilmama412

Sillygirl45

I'm with @TarponMonoxide on this. PTSD is not an excuse to be abusive and lazy.

As far as custody, mothers are no longer favored. It's typically 50/50 unless the two parties come to an agreement or one is deemed unfit. I would think if your H's PTSD is bad enough he can't control his anger and/or keep a job, I wouldn't want him alone with my child. That's just me. You are the one who knows him.

It seems to me he is using it as an excuse to not move forward with his life. He's obliviously in a rut, but how long does that need to be your problem? If he's not willing to change, you need to go and live a happy life.

TarponMonoxide

lilmama412 said:

Thanks for all of the advice! I have brought it up with him before, about our son learning how to treat women, by the way he sees him treating me. When I asked him if that's the way he wants him to treat women, he got teary eyed and quiet and said no.

All teary eyed and said no?

So why was he doing it at all, then???

So I know that he knows it's wrong and that he is setting a bad example, I think he has a hard time controlling himself when something upsets. Anger management is a great idea and I am going to definitely look into it. 

Let me ask you this -- and be honest:

Did he have problems with his anger before he deployed? Was he too quick to blow up, too quick with foul language, slammed doors, threw things, said things that were much too violent, had road rage problems?

I wrote him a letter tonight with all the things that I am unwilling to compromise on in a marriage, with respect being number one.

Know what?

Don't write a letter when it comes to these kind of things.

Tell it to him face to face.

And if he has a lack of respect, sorry --- you cannot blame this on PTSD or being deployed. No respect for others is bad news.

I told him that there was to be no more name calling in this house period, by either of us (although I rarely call names). At the end I said that if I didn't see a major change immediately I would leave. He is out at a friends house right now and when he gets back I will give it to him and have him right me the things that he is unwilling to compromise on as well. 

Do NOT have him write down a list. NOPE -- as I said, discuss this with him face to face. This is how adults handle confrontation and discuss things like grown ups.

Keep the letter in front of you to use as a guide, yeah, but no, do not be a 12 year old schoolgirl and hand him a letter. He may not even read what is in it!

Tell him face to face and he needs to do the same: discuss it face to face with you.

I think it is quite clear what he will not agree to make a compromise. You're going to have to stand behind what you've asked him to do otherwise it's worthless -- and to me, if you have to ask somebody to clean up the abusive language and ask him to develop respect? This is already bad news. I cannot see how respect can be acquired -- one either has it for himself and others or one does not have it at all..

Just for the record, to what doeydo said about judges favoring with the mother. As much as I would love to have more custody, I would never do that to him. He truly is an amazing dad. He doesn't raise his voice at him and loves to get down on his level and play. Our son is his pride and joy. I would make sure we got a 50/50 split. 

I do not think a man who cusses at his wife is an amazing anything at all. If he was such a great father, the last thing he'd even DO is argue with you in front of a youngster -- and this is whether or not the kiddo is old enough to comprehend what the argument is about.

Kids have a funny way of picking up on things. The strain between the 2 of you is evident, even if not one word of ire is exchanged between you and your H.

And I agree:

If he is being treated for PTSD and has anger problems, no way should he be in the presence of a child alone. YOu'd be wise to find somebody reasonably priced to watch the kiddo during the day, even if it is a neighborhood lady who would do it.

lilmama412

Leftie22

I agree with other posters that your son is better off with a happy mom who isn't being called a bitch and c**t every day and seeing angry outbursts all the time. It will be so damaging to him, as I'm sure you've seen a social worker. What I mostly wanted to say is to tell you what I do as a stay-at-home-mom. I watch my son all day, and I also clean the house. I do loud chores like dishes, bake, vacuum etc when my son is awake, and he often follows and "helps" me. He thinks it's fun. I clean up after our breakfast and lunch. I do quiet chores like dust, mop, clean bathrooms, while my son is napping. I make dinner most nights, often starting before my DH gets home. My point is, I don't think you're being unrealistic to expect this stuff of your DH while he's home. I do things whenever I can, and involve DS so he's still having fun and interacting with me. He loves to "help". Your DH could and should do the same. When my DH gets home, he does take care of DS more, but it's usually because I'm cooking, not because I went to my friends place. Weekends, we both cook and clean. TONS of SAHMs (and dads) are doing all this stuff every day. It's not fair for you to work all day, take care of your LO all evening and weekend and care for the house. That's crazy. It's like you have a 24 hour a day job. I hope you and your DH can work something out, because you and your LO deserve better!

magsugar13

A great dad doesn't call his childs mother a c34nt and bitci3h.

Disneygeek77

Yeah, I think you have incredibly low standards  for what makes a good dad.  Good dads don't call the mother of their children those names, they just don't.

kss20

If his counselor is saying that he is "stuck" with him and doesn't know what else to do, it is time to change counselors.  That is a ridiculous thing for a professional to say.  You two should also be seeing someone together. 

It makes me sad when people on these boards cry for divorce so easily.  If he is abusive or you have reason to fear for the safety of you or your child, leave.  If this is really the result of his traumatic experience in the service, seek help and try to save your marriage!  Only you know what the right thing to do is but I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet.

imoan1001

kss20- verbal abuse IS abuse.  And verbal abuse (especially with someone with a temper) VERY easily leads to physical abuse.

Nobody cries for divorce very easily on these boards.  They just don't think a woman should have to live her life taking care of EVERYTHING...all the while being called a c*** or a b****.  And having her son witness that.

PinkSquirrels

If his counselor at the VA is stuck with him he needs to be looking elsewhere for therapy that can help him deal with his PTSD.   While I understand you want to stick it out because he's sick, this is absolutely no way for you to live.  Do you really want your son growing up thinking its acceptable for him to talk to his future partners the way your husband talks to you?   This isn't good for you or your son and unless there are major changes you need to seriously consider walking away. 

kss20

imoan1001 said:

kss20- verbal abuse IS abuse.  And verbal abuse (especially with someone with a temper) VERY easily leads to physical abuse.

Nobody cries for divorce very easily on these boards.  They just don't think a woman should have to live her life taking care of EVERYTHING...all the while being called a c*** or a b****.  And having her son witness that.

Yes, often times people DO tell women here to file for divorce when they really don't know the situation first hand.  I agree that his behavior is wrong, but she also said it seems to be a result of his PTSD.  In the end she OP made a VOW to stick it out, and before she just gets a divorce she should be trying to work things out in therapy.  Even if that means moving out for the time being and trying to work things out with a professional and giving space so that it doesn't affect their child.  But she owes it to her marriage to TRY to seek professional help and TRY to salvage the marriage before calling it quits.  That's what vows are all about.

imoan1001

There should also be a part in vows where... you know, one of the spouses doesn't treat the other spouse like sh**.  Crazy talk, I know.

kss20

You realize that PTSD is not something you can control, right?  If that's the problem, it's not like he's doing this on purpose.  He's just going through a traumatic and difficult time.  He needs help!

RenoisPrettierThanYou

Being close with several people who suffer from PTSD, I have some sense of your issues.  No, PTSD is not an excuse, just like mental illness generally is not an excuse.  But, it is a reason.  I hope you and your DH can get the help you both need. The effects of war on people can be devastating.  I thank him for his service, and I thank you for your sacrifices as well.  Good luck to you both.

imoan1001

It's not something you can control.. but does she deserve to be abused for the rest of her life?  Does she deserve to potentially be beaten because "he has PTSD and can't help it"???

lildevil968

I, like your DH suffer from PTSD, due to combat situations I was in Afghanistan. PTSD is not something that will just go away, but can be treated with the right type of counseling. Unfortunately, the VA does not have the best counselors, I can speak from experiance. Is there a chance you get him in to see a civilian counselor, or request a new counselor through the VA? I think that if the counselor is stuck, and doesn't know a proper way ahead, that he should request that your DH see a civilian counselor, and the VA would still foot the bill. I know how tough PTSD is, so I applaud you for sticking around, but if you ever feel like yourself, or the baby might be in danger, please leave the situation, and call his counselor.

kss20

imoan1001 said:

It's not something you can control.. but does she deserve to be abused for the rest of her life?  Does she deserve to potentially be beaten because "he has PTSD and can't help it"???

I never said that.  His actions are wrong and they need to change, but they should also seek help to make it better. 

doeydo

It doesn't take two people to make a bad marriage.  You are suffering in a verbally abusive relationship.  It is not your fault at all.  Also, you as one person, can end it.