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kannf1982

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anssett

Have you had a conversation this direct with him about it? You have great reasons for not being able to attend all his games & socialize every weekend. You have a demanding career (that you love) and other interests too. To me it sounds like you're being plenty supportive. He might feel embarrassed that he doesn't have you there to be HIS cheerleader, but if you can help him see that he could instead be proud of you for putting such passion into your interests and kicking butt at law!

good luck

kannf1982

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blueobsidian

And also, a lot of the wives and girlfriends DO seem to go to every game, and i am sort of shocked by it.  In my mind, my boyfriend is a grown man with hobbies of his own, i have hobbies of my own, you cant force the other people to participate in YOUR hobbies on the sidelines all the time. Its YOUR thing not an obligation for everyone else, too.  And i think the fact that he sees many other guy's gfs and wives there all the time as validation of his feelings. Some of them have small children and i also dont understand why these men would even be in this sport when they have wives working full time who have tiny babies and toddlers to take care of.  Why are they dragging their little kids to the games every weekend, arent they exhausted and isn't there other stuff to be done, for the kids, for other family members, for themselves??  I just don't see how they devote at least 4 hours every other saturday to tehir husband's hobbies when they have little kids, or if they DO stay home, i dont get why they are ok with having husbands who are gone all night 2-3 work days a week at practice, plus at theh home games for several hours, or gone entire weekeneds for the away games often many hours away.

The bolded kind of pisses me off. It's so completely judgmental and out of line.  Why are their relationships your business? How do you know they are being "forced" to be there?  How do you know they don't enjoy rugby (some women, like me, do enjoy sports, you know).  My Dad treated my Mom like this. He had given up things that he loved when I got older, because he thought he was supposed to devote all his non-working time to his family.  He HATED that she had hobbies and activities outside the home and they fought about it constantly, until she gave them up.  Then they both got to be miserable all the time.  

You know what would have been best for me?  Having two parents who were happy and engaged in activities that they love.  I remember watching him play sports when I was a little kid.  It was fun for me and for him.  What's wrong with that?

I graduated law school and took the bar last year.  I get wanting to have some time off.  But, I don't think that four hours every other weekend is too much time to spend doing something that's important to my partner.  But you need to decide what is important to you and what you are looking for in a partner.  If you have kids with him, are you going to insist that he gives up everything he loves?  If you want to be with a homebody who doesn't have a time-consuming activity in his life, why not just look for a partner who shares those values with you?  

kannf1982

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kannf1982

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tiffanysbride

My husband was like that with soccer, loves to play and is on a team 1-2 seasons a year. However, he never expected me to go to any games nor does he hang out with them outside of practice/game. I went to a few games like you b/c I wanted to be there for him. After we had DS, DH basically took 3 years off b/c it took away his time with DS and put more on my plate. You can't work late, go to practice and games when kids go to bed early. He didn't start playing again until this year and its great for him. But he made sure to find a league that has week night games b/c Saturday is not practical for our family. He coaches DS and his games are on that day as well as other family activities. 

The problem I have is that your BF doesn't sound like he has the same attitude. It sounds like he expects you to drop everything for his hobby. Not sure how much I would worry about children b/c you don't have any and if he can't have more respect for your needs/wants then the other is irrelevant. If he wants you at few more games and you want to be there, then he needs to help with the chores and errands you would otherwise be doing. He also needs to recognize that your hobbies are different and equally important.  

Sillygirl45

I think you two need to get this figured out now before you get married. Personally, this would be an excessive amount to be gone when you have kids. Especially if it isn't a family activity.

This is a big deal if it takes up this much time in his life. Maybe you were ok with it when you were too busy to worry about it, but now it's an issue. Maybe you just don't want to be guilted into having to go to all this stuff you don't want to and would be fine if he just let you go when you wanted and left you alone when you didn't. Maybe it's a bit if all if these things. Any way you look at it, this is a good test of your relationship and how you can work out a compromise. If you you can't, well, it's time to find someone you can compromise with.

ClaryPax

I agree with silygirl.  It seems like an excessive amount of time especially if you want to have kids eventually.  Is he going to spend less time on his hobby then or expect you to bring the kids to everything?

 I do think people should have hobbies, but be considerate of their spouse when having them.  I have no problem being social sometimes, but there is no way I would want to go to a game every week and hang out with his friends drinking every week as well- that's just way too often.

Leftie22

I would hate feeling like I had to spend all that time at games/practice/bars too. I'm not into sports at all though. Plus sitting and watching is not really participating, which is why I find it soooo boring. I'd much rather be going on a walk together or I'd sit there thinking about all the stuff I needed to do but couldn't because I was sitting there watching dudes throw a ball around. (But hey, I realize that some women really do like sports and wouldn't mind that part.) I also agree that it wouldn't be fair when you have kids. And also not fair to the kids. I hate when parents force their interests on their kids, and there's no way young kids can understand what's going on. I'm a SAHM and if I had to watch my kids evenings and during games by myself too, I'd go crazy. Obviously some women seem to be okay with that, but it's also okay if you don't want that. I would talk to him and see if this is something he's flexible on or not. If not, it sounds like both you and he want someone different. Sorry you're in this situation, I would hate it too.

kannf1982

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EastCoastBride

For all his talk of you not supporting him, he isn't supporting you.  It may not be a HOBBY- but he's showing no support for you.  He's not respecting that this isn't your 'Thing'.

And really- I would work this out NOW because for all your talk of the future, I can very easily see your BF not being willing to give up rugby. 

blueobsidian

So you're going to ignore the guilt trips and "hope they go away"?  Why?  Why would you want to get engaged to a man who guilt trips you and doesn't share your priorities in how time is spent?

What happens if he doesn't want to give up rugby after you are married?  Do you honestly think that is going to go well?  You can't change a person.  If the two of you don't agree with how much time to spend outside the home and out with friends, that is not a marriage that's going to end well.  Someone is going to end up resentful.

Disneygeek77

Have you ever sat down and considered the possibility that this guy isn't a good match for you ? 

It's almost as if he doesn't see you as fully human and you are just a supporting character in his life. 

Sillygirl45

It really sounds like you two have different priorities. I think you've outgrown this relationship.

kannf1982

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Disneygeek77

:: Shrugs ::

I guess I don't see what is wrong with saying you both might not be a good match for each other ?  He's really, really  into Rugby and wants a woman who will be there to cheer him on ?  Nothing wrong with that.  You on the other hand will tolerate Rugby but would rather spend your time doing something else.  Again, nothing wrong with that.  What is wrong with suggesting you both might be happier with someone who shares your passions, interests and hobbies.  Now, I am not saying you have to be clones of each other and cant have something of your own, but  it sounds like Rugby is a huge part of his life and not something he wants to give up, yes even when children come along?  Are you ok with the possibility of the rest of your life being like this ? 

Sillygirl45

Becoming so defensive of your relationship because some internet strangers see this as a bigger issue than just rugby doesn't help your "my relationship is just dandy, I just wanted to know it was ok for me not to attend every single thing" stance. 

You wrote a long post involving excessive time spent on a hobby, late nights out drinking with friends, lying about where you are and why you're not there, and him not feeling your pursuits are important enough for you to miss his outings. All these things show deeper issues. At the minimum a lack of respect for your time and being more worried about what others are thinking than what you want to do.

You're young. You have a great future and no kids yet. All I saw in everyone's posts were encouragement to not ignore red flags. You're not even engaged yet. Now is the time to figure out if you can compromise or not.

If you're posting here instead of talking to him and coming to a solution that is workable for both of you, there appear to be issues you are not dealing with. This isn't about rugby. 

kannf1982

Never mind.  I thought the point of these boards was to get some outsider's insight about some issues. Youre on these boards, too, does that mean your relationship is terrible and should be abandoned and has deeper issues? Come on.  I have never posted on this thing and I wont in the future, as every woman who comes on here with an issue has a couple people who respond with actual insight and another ten women who see everything as black and white and just seem to be here to tell people how screwed up their relationships are.  I didnt really look around on the board before I posted and they're a waste.  Thanks to the people who could stick to the issue I asked about without making sweeping conclusions about my relationship. 

Relationships aren't that black and white. Getting defensive? Yes, I will defend my relationship, because it isn't perfect, nor is anyone's, but I love my boyfriend and other than stuff relating to this sport he plays, I could go on all day about how wonderful he is.  Shoot me for trying to run something by people before unloading on him. We've had a wonderful relationship for 3.5 years and in the past 6 months after the bar exam, adjusting to my finally having free time presented this one issue as to a discrepancy in our expectations.  

31 years and for once I thought I'd try these boards for one thing, something I thought to be a unique issue because from my experience most womens' SO's do not have such an involved hobby as mine does, so I thought maybe someone on here could relate and be supportive. 

Sillygirl45

Wow. So dramatic.

I don't think telling you this is the time to see if you can compromise and others asking if, considering how much time he spends on this hobby, you may not be a good match is unreasonable.

What is unreasonable is your response. If you get this fired up over a little anonymous advice (which I thought was well thought out and sincere) you're in for a long stressful life.

TarponMonoxide

For this the OP deletes???

He plays too many organized sports. Too many.

If he was single and free, fine. He can't be committing himself to that many teams after he's married -- hel'll have other obligations.

Let him pick one team and be done with it. THat' sthat.

Leftie22

kannf1982 said:

Never mind.  I thought the point of these boards was to get some outsider's insight about some issues. Youre on these boards, too, does that mean your relationship is terrible and should be abandoned and has deeper issues? Come on.  I have never posted on this thing and I wont in the future, as every woman who comes on here with an issue has a couple people who respond with actual insight and another ten women who see everything as black and white and just seem to be here to tell people how screwed up their relationships are.  I didnt really look around on the board before I posted and they're a waste.  Thanks to the people who could stick to the issue I asked about without making sweeping conclusions about my relationship. 

Relationships aren't that black and white. Getting defensive? Yes, I will defend my relationship, because it isn't perfect, nor is anyone's, but I love my boyfriend and other than stuff relating to this sport he plays, I could go on all day about how wonderful he is.  Shoot me for trying to run something by people before unloading on him. We've had a wonderful relationship for 3.5 years and in the past 6 months after the bar exam, adjusting to my finally having free time presented this one issue as to a discrepancy in our expectations.  

31 years and for once I thought I'd try these boards for one thing, something I thought to be a unique issue because from my experience most womens' SO's do not have such an involved hobby as mine does, so I thought maybe someone on here could relate and be supportive. 

Hmm.. I thought most posters WERE trying to relate and be supportive. I'm not sure what we were expected to say if we can't say that this might be trouble down the road. Your post was pretty long if all you were looking for was a bunch of strangers to tell you you don't have to go to his games. Of course you don't have to. I hope you talk to him and he understands that.

GilliC

Come on, people! This is why we have the obligatory first-reply-quotes rule!  :P

ReturnOfKuus

Disneygeek77 said:

:: Shrugs ::

I guess I don't see what is wrong with saying you both might not be a good match for each other ?  He's really, really  into Rugby and wants a woman who will be there to cheer him on ?  Nothing wrong with that.  You on the other hand will tolerate Rugby but would rather spend your time doing something else.  Again, nothing wrong with that.  What is wrong with suggesting you both might be happier with someone who shares your passions, interests and hobbies.  Now, I am not saying you have to be clones of each other and cant have something of your own, but  it sounds like Rugby is a huge part of his life and not something he wants to give up, yes even when children come along?  Are you ok with the possibility of the rest of your life being like this ? 

Except he apparently doesn't want someone who shares his interests, since he's not (as far as I can tell) suggesting that she play rugby with him.  I am rubbed the wrong way at him wanting her to be an accessory to him pursuing his hobbies, rather than a person with her own hobbies.

ReturnOfKuus

Disneygeek77 said:

:: Shrugs ::

I guess I don't see what is wrong with saying you both might not be a good match for each other ?  He's really, really  into Rugby and wants a woman who will be there to cheer him on ?  Nothing wrong with that.  You on the other hand will tolerate Rugby but would rather spend your time doing something else.  Again, nothing wrong with that.  What is wrong with suggesting you both might be happier with someone who shares your passions, interests and hobbies.  Now, I am not saying you have to be clones of each other and cant have something of your own, but  it sounds like Rugby is a huge part of his life and not something he wants to give up, yes even when children come along?  Are you ok with the possibility of the rest of your life being like this ? 

Except he apparently doesn't want someone who shares his interests, since he's not (as far as I can tell) suggesting that she play rugby with him.  I am rubbed the wrong way at him wanting her to be an accessory to him pursuing his hobbies, rather than a person with her own hobbies.

EastCoastBride

kannf1982 said:

Never mind.  I thought the point of these boards was to get some outsider's insight about some issues. Youre on these boards, too, does that mean your relationship is terrible and should be abandoned and has deeper issues? Come on.  I have never posted on this thing and I wont in the future, as every woman who comes on here with an issue has a couple people who respond with actual insight and another ten women who see everything as black and white and just seem to be here to tell people how screwed up their relationships are.  I didnt really look around on the board before I posted and they're a waste.  Thanks to the people who could stick to the issue I asked about without making sweeping conclusions about my relationship. 

 

Are you reading the same post I'm reading?  I read maybe one response thatn flat out said "move on".  Every othe rresponse was along the lines of trying to give insight, put some critical thought to your issues.  Saying "maybe this isn't the guy for you in the long run" isn't saying "RUN, NOW!".  It's just putting it to YOU to do a little soul searching. 

If you can't handle this from a group of strangers, I can guarentee  you that you get nothing even close to the truth from friends and fmaily.  They probably know very well to only give you puppies and rainbows. Anything else is going to make you flip.

Leftie22

ReturnOfKuus said:

Disneygeek77 said:

:: Shrugs ::

I guess I don't see what is wrong with saying you both might not be a good match for each other ?  He's really, really  into Rugby and wants a woman who will be there to cheer him on ?  Nothing wrong with that.  You on the other hand will tolerate Rugby but would rather spend your time doing something else.  Again, nothing wrong with that.  What is wrong with suggesting you both might be happier with someone who shares your passions, interests and hobbies.  Now, I am not saying you have to be clones of each other and cant have something of your own, but  it sounds like Rugby is a huge part of his life and not something he wants to give up, yes even when children come along?  Are you ok with the possibility of the rest of your life being like this ? 

Except he apparently doesn't want someone who shares his interests, since he's not (as far as I can tell) suggesting that she play rugby with him.  I am rubbed the wrong way at him wanting her to be an accessory to him pursuing his hobbies, rather than a person with her own hobbies.

Me too. Like if her hobby was sewing, and she was sewing for four hours on a Saturday, would he sit and watch her?? And then go for drinks with her sewing circle and the one or two other spouses? So weird.