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Please help settle a debate about what is considered "cheating"
My ex husband (XH) to this day still throws in my face that I "cheated". I didn't sleep with anyone. I didn't have any kind of emotional relationship with anyone. My mistake and infidelity? I trusted his friend. Here's the story. (sorry it's long)
7 years ago,right before our much discussed engagement and prior to marrying, he and I moved to his home state and a large city for my company who was transferring me. I was on paid time to go down and look for a rental home for us and his then teenage daughter to live in. Before I left he gave me his friend's phone number and said, "If you need anything, or need help, call E." I was under the impression that XH trusted him, his friend was a good person, yada, yada...
I go down there and spend a day and a half looking for homes with the first realtor. I was disappointed. I was beginning to get scared that I wouldn't ever find anything decent and I needed to fast. At the end of the second day, I called his friend, told him I was stressed out, told him my awful experience, I have only one day left, did he have any advice for areas to look in? His friend E tells me, "Yeah, I got some ideas, no worries. I'm playing pool with some friends at XYZ, (coincidentally, not far from where I was staying)why don't you come down, have a beer and we'll talk about it." Idiot me says, "Okay. I could use a beer" and I thought I could trust his friend.
I get there, he buys me a drink and we talk about where I looked, where I should stay out of, and he said he would ask his sister if her friend had any rental homes available. Great. Exactly what I needed, and the next day, I did end up finding a good home in a nice neighborhood. His friend didn't really flirt with me, and if he did, it was subtle. If anything, I'd say he was trying to sabotage my relationship with XH because he tried to tell me sh*t about XH. Basically, some not so nice things. (looking back on - he was right, and I should have listened - hence the divorce). We discussed a few things briefly before I felt uncomfortable and said so, please stop talking about XH that way, and he apologized, and backed off. I had two beers total, and not all my time was spent talking to his friend. I met E's other friends - nice people - and ended up chatting with them quite a bit. I spent maybe 2 hours there.
When I went to leave, E said he'd walk me out to my car. He was polite, a gentleman, said he was looking forward to XH and I moving here, he wished us well and good luck in the job search. I got a quick, friendly, lean in kind of hug.
I tried calling XH when I got back to the hotel around 9-9:30. He didn't answer. I left a message along the lines of hey, I talked to Eric, he gave me some good lead on houses, call me and I'll tell you more.
I talk to XH the next day, told him how we met over a beer, and off to look for homes. XH didn't really react at first, but after I came home he kind of questioned me about meeting E for drinks. I explained myself, and it was done for a little while.
We move. E starts acting weird. We go out once with E's girlfriend, and then all of a sudden, E stops returning and answering XH's calls. It was weird. The only thing I can think of is he felt guilty and he was scared I would tell XH about what he tried to tell me about XH. XH could beat the crap out of E, pretty easily and would over something like that. I didn't take anything E said to heart. I loved XH. I blew it off and withheld that information. At one point I finally did tell him what his friend said, but I told him the reason I never brought it up to XH is because I truly did not believe E. Turns out...E was telling me the truth.
XH kept bringing it up, bringing it up. For 6-7 flipping years, whenever he got mad, he will say I cheated on him with E, saying I probably slept with the guy. He brought it up again out of the blue this week. I'm like WTH? THis time however, he says maybe I didn't sleep with the guy, but that just by having a beer with him, letting him talk crap about him, I stepped out of line and was unfaithful to him.
So the question is - was I or was I not out of line? Because when put that way - maybe I was wrong to have a beer with his friend. But...I did it only with good intentions to simply seek advice on where to find a home. I went and had a beer because I thought I could trust the guy and he was a friend. When he tried to talk crap, I shut it down. Was I out of line? Most certainly not enough to be berated for for 6-7 years. And if he thought I screwed the guy, them maybe he shouldn't have married me.
Anyway - I need a little peace of mind. I need to know if I honestly screwed up or I'm just being mind fucked by XH. My guess is the latter.
Re: Please help settle a debate about what is considered "cheating"
Hearing someone talk shit about your H (at the time) and not stopping him? Disloyal maybe, but definitely NOT cheating.
Is what you did worth bringing up 6 minutes down the line, never mind 6 years? HELL NO!
Why are you still talking to him? He's your EX H.
We have a child together. It came up when I called him out on lying to me about his moving in with his girlfriend. It's in the CO that we both need to keep each other up to date on our addresses. I found out, kept quiet, and waited for him to tell me, but then he started fabricating these ridiculous lies about why I didn't have to pick DD up, and he'd say things like, "Oh, I just got back home to the apartment." It got really hard to listen to it and I called him out on it. He of course had to bite back, and this lame ass accusation came up again. He claims his friends say I cheated. Whatever....
Thank you for clarifying. I agree. 6 years later and you are still angry at me for having a beer with your shitastic friend is very lame.
Then move on magsugar.
I'll move on when you grow up.
Meeting somebody for drinks is not cheating.
And I agree: don't talk to your XH anymore. Sounds to me like he's just being a ballbuster at this point; why do you want this jerk to live rent free in your mind?
I spent 8 years with this guy being emotionally and mentally manipulated. I needed a neutral party to tell help me clear my mind of this bullshit.
Thanks.
No- a drink w/ a friend is NOT cheating.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's the only "thing" he has on you so he keeps using it. Pathetic.
That's it. Don't say anything about it being his fault or anything like that. Just put it out there that if he really can't let go of this little thing, it only helps you feel better about how things ended.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No you didn't cheat.
He is trying to manipulate you. Probably to get you off his back. Don't let him. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
I'd get some kind of cease and desist order out after him. He needs to stfu and butt out and never speak to you again, about anything at all.
If you really need a neutral party and spent a tremendous amount of time being manipulated to the point of not being able to see the mindfuck that your ex husband is, then I really think you need to seek a counselor, not strangers on the internet.
EDIT: quoting is hard.
If you find quoting hard, maybe you need to take basic computer skills.
Jesus. This post is over 2 weeks old. Point has been made and understood just as long ago. I get it already.
But thank you for inserting your "2 cents".
I'm good on a computer, thank you. The Nest's quoting and reply feature, however... another story.
Honestly, I'm not trying to be mean. I was giving you my honest reaction, which is what you get when you post an open post like yours.
The Nest shuffles posts by most recent answer instead of date written. People were still commenting so I commented as well. "My two cents" is what you asked for by posting here.
cheating to me is when you do not want the other to know anything of what you did or know that the other would be upset with what you did.
Your situation (to me) was not cheating. You told him everything and only called E because your DH gave you the information to do so.
Sounds like your EX is just using this as an excuse to make him the "good guy"
Marrying a guy, or even dating a guy, who prides himself on being able to "beat up" other people, for one. The other being that you really shouldn't have fed into so much drama! You did nothing to feel guilty about, I can't believe how fixated your EX is on this.
Click me, click me!