What the *** is wrong with him... [graphic]

kitchen0nfire

My husband and I have been together for over 3 years and have been married a little over a year and a half. Since we were both virgins when we got married, sex was great at the beginning! Wedding night was perfect, honeymoon was PERFECT, we had sex about 3-4 times a week for the first 6 months. Then 2-3 times a week, like normal people.... until recently. I had a miscarriage in January, so obviously I wasn't much in the mood for a while, but he understood. Then it was just once a week (even though I still wasn't up for it, but since he was, I just laid there for him). Then all of a sudden - no sex. Barely any intimacy. About once a month, when the moon is full (figure of speech, not literately of course :P) he jumps on top of me. And when we're done, he says my absolute favorite line: "Something is something". W...T...F. 

I'm getting beyond frustrated with this situation. I don't know how many times I'm going to complain about needing "it" and how he doesn't kiss me anymore (I get baby kisses on my face and sometimes on my lips. I haven't felt his tongue in a LONG TIME!)

So I went to Barnes and Nobles, bought the Steamy Sex Games from Cosmopolitan and when I read the cards, I loved it! It looked like exactly what we needed. So at night, we all the house chores are done, I show it to him... He couldn't have looked more insulted. I asked him if he liked it, he said "no". I asked if I return it, he said "I don't know". He looked at the cards and the description and he gave it back and turned up the TV volume.

W...T...F...

kss20

First of all.... this is graphic?  Man, I was ready for some 50 shades here. HA!

But seriously, the intimacy probably stopped because you stopped wanting it for awhile.  So now you decided that you ready to get back in the game, but he's been shut down so many times that he is feeling a little self conscious about doing it.  Keep initiating sex yourself (without the games since he is clearly uncomfortable with that at this point).  If he still brushes you off, have a conversation (outside of the bedroom) about what your feeling and get to the root of why he's not so into it anymore.  If the problem seems to continue, see a marriage counselor.

As for the game, some people are just VERY insecure and unsure about anything out of the missionary norm (snooze).  Since you both were virgins before marriage, it's just something he's probably never had to talk about and experiment with before.  If you're really trying to get freaky, ease him into it.  Challenge him to a game of strip poker or hold him down and tease him until he can't wait anymore.  The point is to slowly get him more comfortable until you can broach the idea of throwing in some games/toys/costumes/whatever.  Ultimately sex DOES need to be a conversation in your married lives so that you are both enjoying it to the fullest.  That's part of being an adult and being in a relationship and he's going to need to realize that.

kitchen0nfire

[LOL well, it's graphic for me!! This is my first post here ]

Well, that's just it: I've never turned him down! If I'm not in the mood, I just lay there for him. And I'm tired of initiating sex... It's always me. I don't mind, but I'm just tired of it. 

And I wish we could have that kind of conversation. Whenever we talk about sex, it's normally a one way convo, while he tries to find something else to do while I talk. I don't know what else to do. 

I kind of know what's going on. I know he's been pretty stressed and tired lately. I've tried doing all his chores, cooking earlier, and fixing the house before he's home so all he has to do is shower, and eat, but if I do that, he just goes to bed earlier. I try to not do much during the weekends to have some time with each other, but somehow we still end up coming home at 11pm, and guess what, he's tired.

PrincessVegan

Sorry if I'm out of the loop here, but what does "something is something" mean?

Sounds like he doesn't want to communicate. That's not good. 

kitchen0nfire

I don't know, it probably means that it wasn't as good for him...

kss20

If you "just lay there" you might as well turn him down.  That is NOT hot and NOT going to make him want to keep trying to have sex with you.  If he won't talk to you about sex it's time to get a marriage counselor.  He's got to put his big boy pants on for this one. 

If he's stressed out and tired, that's not abnormal.  It happens.  But you need to be able to talk about it and work on making your relationship and sex life good despite that.

TarponMonoxide

I will bet that what's happening is a residual issue that's stemming from the miscarriage.

I suggest a sex therapist and a regular counselor for him --- he most likely needs some kind of grief counseling, too. Miscarriages affect the partners, also.

It would be to your benefit and his if you did this as a couple and individually.

This can be fixed.

The trick is getting him to go.  Nip this issue in the bud before it perhaps puts a rift between the 2 of you..

palrmt

This can easily be worked on but its going to take both of you to do it.  And just laying there is worse than turning him down.  The miscarriage definitely changed things sexually and this is obviously not something he is comfortable talking about.  I agree that he is going to need to get over it and put his big boy panties on for this cause there are going to be some uncomfortable conversations and they need to happen. 

tiffanysbride

I think you need to understand that just laying there is worse then saying no. When you engage and then don't participate you are telling him more then you know. He probably thought at first he could get your in the mood so he went with it but realized that it wasn't going to happen. Any loving husband would rather an engaged partner vs a body to be used. 

I get that you experienced a loose and didn't want to have sex, you need to talk to him about the emotions and feelings you have about sex and the miscarriage. You need to explain why you just laid there. He probably feels pretty crappy about the situation. He could feel guilt for pressuring you into sex before you where ready. Or angry that you pretended and were not truthful. Not sure how much you talked about it but people deal differently and sometimes the guy is too busy trying to be there for you that they don't want to upset you with their feelings. 

You need to TALK. Ask him what "something is something" means, ask why he isn't kissing you, etc. You can't just go to a store and by a sexy game and expect him to be excited. Also, from experience no one responds well to the other partner just keeps asking for sex. Initiate yourself without expectations, you can just start kissing.  

oldbugle

People deal with rejection in different ways.    Some are only able to cope with being rejected by their partner by reflecting that rejection with their own.   Some partners who feel 'hurt' just have to hand out some grief to feel better about themselves and the situation.......

"something is something" sound awfully like someone who feels he has scored a minor victory...chalked one up, as it were.......achieved something unklikely against the odds......

It does not come across in your posts that either of you are great communicators.....actually, you dont sound much in love either, or that you even care about each other much.   You need to get some help with really basic relationship skills and take it from there.......

.......And if you do, tell him how much you love him...just walk up to him, put your mouth next to his ear and tell him, then walk away.....

josscal

I agree with most that was said here. When I was on birth control, I hardly ever wanted anything to do with my husband sexually. I didn't even want him to see me getting out of the shower for fear of it arousing him. I turned him down constantly, but after so much built up he finally spilled it (his feelings) and we had a very long talk about it (outside of the bedroom, like others suggested).

At the time, we had been married 3 years, together 6. It had been probably, 8 months without sex. We were not virgins when we married but we were eachothers only partners. It was hard to explain, going from condoms to pills, how much the hormones were effecting me. I had absolutely no sex drive, zero, zip, I didn't even want to pleasure myself.

We had grown very distant in our relationship due to this, he felt unwanted sexually, and in turn felt unwanted in the relationship. Sex isn't the most important thing in our relationship, but it is a huge factor in how close and intimate we feel with eachother. It was actually hurting our relationship because we couldn't bond in that way.

After our discussions and finding out how much it had been effecting both of us, I made the decision to go off hormonal birth control and stick with the condoms.

It took a lot from both of us to get out of the rut, 8 months is a long time to go without bonding with your partner in that way.

The best thing you can do, is pour a glass of wine after dinner for both of you, and talk it out (I suggest Barefoot Sweet Red). You both are going to hear things that hurt (you make me feel unwanted, etc.) but that's part of being in a relationship. Get to the deep dirt, if there is an underlying issue find a way to get it out. Don't accuse him of anything, just let him know how you feel and see where it leads.

Hope it all goes well for you!

lifeguard

I agree with kss20 times two.
As men are poor mind readers and are little better at picking up on hints. You two are going have to talk and get it all out. It's a regular and true plot device in movies where the couples don't actually say what needs to be said. And they suffer for holding back.
Don't know what works in your relationship but I've had excellent success with skirts and no undies. Go super short on the skirt as possible to just barely keep the goods out of sight with careful seating and leg positioning. Flash DH in the car, theatre, store , restaurant etc. that's how we conceived our 1st child.
I wish you well