I need advise...on everything.

ShelbiLynnJones

My bf and I have known each other since we were 13. We met in middle school and crushed on each other immediately; but we were 13 dating was practically none existent in our minds. He moved away with his family when he was about 15 and came back to our town when we were 18 and called me up to say he was back for good. That's when things in my life got (I don't want to say complicated but...) confusing. Off and on for 3 years now; seriously I cannot count how many times we have called off everything only to call the other 2 weeks to 3 months later. But now we have a very small house together and we're engaged (for the second time -_- ) but I feel like we just are not compatible anymore. Everyone tells me "Oh you guys have been together for a while now, you practically know everything about each other it's like you're married!" And that's the problem... I know too much about him. His past in particular. When he was in his "rebellious stage" he was more than hell on wheels. I was raised a bit differently so when his friends bring up things like "remember that time everyone was naked in your living room and your grandma walked in on that chick giving you a lap dance..." I get a little bit ANGRY. I can't help myself. He tells me all the time everyone has a past its not something to get upset about. But I just can't deal with it like he wants me to.
Is this my insecurities eating at me? Do other couples feel this way? Am I somehow jealous? Oh my goodness I feel COMPLETELY crazy!! Can someone please answer some of these God-awful questions in my head please?

doeydo

ShelbiLynnJones said:

My bf and I have known each other since we were 13. We met in middle school and crushed on each other immediately; but we were 13 dating was practically none existent in our minds. He moved away with his family when he was about 15 and came back to our town when we were 18 and called me up to say he was back for good. That's when things in my life got (I don't want to say complicated but...) confusing. Off and on for 3 years now; seriously I cannot count how many times we have called off everything only to call the other 2 weeks to 3 months later. But now we have a very small house together and we're engaged (for the second time -_- ) but I feel like we just are not compatible anymore. Everyone tells me "Oh you guys have been together for a while now, you practically know everything about each other it's like you're married!" And that's the problem... I know too much about him. His past in particular. When he was in his "rebellious stage" he was more than hell on wheels. I was raised a bit differently so when his friends bring up things like "remember that time everyone was naked in your living room and your grandma walked in on that chick giving you a lap dance..." I get a little bit ANGRY. I can't help myself. He tells me all the time everyone has a past its not something to get upset about. But I just can't deal with it like he wants me to.
Is this my insecurities eating at me? Do other couples feel this way? Am I somehow jealous? Oh my goodness I feel COMPLETELY crazy!! Can someone please answer some of these God-awful questions in my head please?

Maybe you two keep breaking up because you aren't right for each other only to come back to the relationship because it has been so long that it feels weird without it.  It really sounds like you are unhappy in the relationship.  It isn't anything to do with your "insecurities".  I can't speak for other couples, but I don't feel this way about my fiance.  I love him and he is my best friend and I love how close we are.  As for the naked/lap-dancing thing, the two of you were not dating at the time, were you?  If not, you have no reason to be angry because he was single.

My advice is to put off any wedding plans you might have.  Next, take some time for yourself to figure out what you really want- in life, in a life partner, everything.  Afterwards, you can make the decision of whether you want to be with him or not.  And please, stick to that decision.

EastCoastBride

The two things that jumped out -

one, the breaking up numerous times.  This, to me, is a sign that you are NOT "meant to be".  A 13 yr old crush doesn't need to turn into a lifetime commitment just because it's fun to say "Oh- we met when we were 13!!!".  It just seems like you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Second, your BF is right.  EVeryone does have a past.  Some wilder than others.  But we all have pasts.  You need to figure out why your'e getting upset about stuff that happened that had nothing to do with you.  Because if you do this with future BFs - you're going to damage those relationships. 

I agree w/ the PP - take some time and figure out what you want.  But I suggest you call off the relationship before you do this.  Be single, spend time alone, soul search and figure yourself out and figure out what you want in a partner, in life, etc. 

kss20

Sounds like a toxic relationship to me.  But we all know that you won't end this until you decide for yourself.  We've all been there.  What you will do is up to you.

TarponMonoxide

This never sounded like a stable relationship.

You don't go popping off and getting engaged twice. You do it once and your relationship is stable.

Do yourself a favor:

Be smart and move on from this guy.

And get yourself to a therapist. You've got a codependency, a guy with plenty of skeletons in his closet along with plenty of baggage, a relationship that isn't stable and hans't got legs and you "chose" the wrong guy continually.

Find out why you are doing this, with the help of a therapist and learn how to pick a guy you have a real chance with. GL.

Sillygirl45

You two need to grow up a bit and call this off for good.

I can't help but laugh at his "past". From your post you're 21. How long ago could his "past" be? 

Really, you're not meant to be. You're stuck in what's familiar and comfortable. Be on your own and live a little!

GilliC

You've broken things off multiple times, so you two have clearly been unhappy enough to split in the past. If you're 21 (or anywhere in your low 20s or 30s or 40s), do you really want to spend the next 40-60 years of your life having the same problems?

ReturnOfKuus

I think you should break up with him, too.  And wtf at his friend talking about naked women giving him lap dances at his grandmother's house right in front of you; next time, pick a guy whose past isn't a problem and also who doesn't have boorish morons for friends.

DawnLilly

My DH was engaged to his high school sweet heart. They were together for four years. They broke up and got back together a dozen times. They had been separated for 6 months when we met and she was dating another man. They were married a year later and we were engaged a year later too.

I just had this conversation with my brother about his on again off again gf. He has not really dated anyone else. My advice was that before anyone gets married that I think they should be in three kinds of relationships with three different kinds of commitment. The one where you love them more than they love you, the one where they love you more than you love them and the one involving no love but you both are just having a good time with a compatible person.

DH is my best friend, my rock, my big baby, my lover,partner and my confidant. I don't think if your bf can be described as all of these that you are ready for marriage to each other.

R.Wilsonny

OP, just because you've known this guy for so long and have been together off and on for so long does not mean you are obligated to marry him. You have had a rocky relationship so I think that's a good sign that this is not the guy for you. You both seem very young and honestly, I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to marry at such a young age. Go out and enjoy yourself...figure out what you really want before tying yourself down. Marriage is the biggest decision and commitment you can make and not something to be taken lightly. Which I'm sure you are not if you are coming here asking for advice - but listen to what we are all saying here because we are just trying to save you from doing something that you will regret later. GL

arhayden1

Yeah I agree with the PP. If you have any serious hesitations then don't get married, who want to deal with a divorce 2 years later. Cold feet is normal but this is NOT cold feet. Your relationship is never been stable and while its normal to have bumps I think your issues have been more than bumps. I don't see anything wrong with dating and marrying young but its based on a maturity level and I don't think you are there yet.

DawnLilly

arhayden1 said:

Yeah I agree with the PP. If you have any serious hesitations then don't get married, who want to deal with a divorce 2 years later. Cold feet is normal but this is NOT cold feet. Your relationship is never been stable and while its normal to have bumps I think your issues have been more than bumps. I don't see anything wrong with dating and marrying young but its based on a maturity level and I don't think you are there yet.

I don't see anything wrong with dating and marrying young but its based on a maturity level and I don't think you are there yet.

This, thank you. I get a bit riled when people say it's about age. When I was 21 I had a college degree, a home we remodeled ourselves, a full time job and was married that year.

R.Wilsonny

^^ sorry to generalize like this but I know many people who got married in their early 20's and most of them were divorced within a few years. There's obviously going to be exceptions to the rule, but ultimately you are still figuring out who you are as a person in your 20's....and just because you have a college degree at 21, that doesn't mean shit when it comes to marriage. It doesn't magically make you mature enough to be married to someone.

I mean, can you honestly say that you were the same person when you were 18 vs when you were 21 vs 25 etc? You change a lot in that span of time. Even now, as I'm inching closer to 40 - I'm a much different person now than I was 10 years ago when I met my H. We were both in our late 20's when we met and dated a long long time before walking down the aisle.

Again, exceptions to the rule but overall, I think in your 20's, you should be living life and experiencing all life has to offer before getting tied down, especially tying yourself down to someone who is clearly wrong for you just because you've 'been together for a while' and it's familiar for you. Just my humble opinion.

DawnLilly

With college I was pointing to the fact that we were established.

I plan on changing a lot and already have, so has DH. I don't view an early marriage as being tied down. We are living life and changing but we choose to experience everything and change as people together. I can't wait to "know" who we are 10, 20 and so on years from now.

I do agree though that unless OP feels the same way she is too young. But she may be 30 and still be too young and/or he is not the one. I think EastCoastBride said it well when she described it as fitting a square peg in a round hole. Sometimes we think something is supposed to fit but that doesn't mean it does. When you find your round peg OP you will know.

GilliC

I got married in my early 20s. I still don't view it as being tied down, and we grew together. We got along great when I was just finished with university, because I was a little shy and a little overwhelmed with being in a new place and just starting out in my industry. I loved it that H was talkative and outgoing, because I could hang out in his shadow until I felt more comfortable with a situation.

Then I grew up and it didn't work anymore. I was confidant and a bit more outgoing, because I had learned over the years to be comfortable with myself, and I realized that people really did like me. H, on the other hand, did not like it when he wasn't the center of attention. Neither of us was happy.

Now we're happily divorced and XH is with someone else who's definitely on the quiet side. She's in her upper 20s, so hopefully she'll be staying that way, but we'll see. I'm seeing a man who doesn't seem much at all like a great catch on paper but is all the random things that are actually more important to me in a partner. I'm just glad that I get a second chance to fix the mistake that early-20s me made all those years ago.

moonprincessd

R.Wilsonny said:

^^ sorry to generalize like this but I know many people who got married in their early 20's and most of them were divorced within a few years. There's obviously going to be exceptions to the rule, but ultimately you are still figuring out who you are as a person in your 20's....and just because you have a college degree at 21, that doesn't mean shit when it comes to marriage. It doesn't magically make you mature enough to be married to someone. I mean, can you honestly say that you were the same person when you were 18 vs when you were 21 vs 25 etc? You change a lot in that span of time. Even now, as I'm inching closer to 40 - I'm a much different person now than I was 10 years ago when I met my H. We were both in our late 20's when we met and dated a long long time before walking down the aisle. Again, exceptions to the rule but overall, I think in your 20's, you should be living life and experiencing all life has to offer before getting tied down, especially tying yourself down to someone who is clearly wrong for you just because you've 'been together for a while' and it's familiar for you. Just my humble opinion.

I really hate this kind of thinking, it's a generalization, a stereotype. You marry young, oh you'll get a divorce soon! It's just not true. 

Age doesn't matter. What matters if that you are mature enough and understand what marriage is. What it means. Everyone is ready at a different time. It was once okay for people to marry at 14! Remember? They made it! My grandma was 15 when she married my grandpa (18) and they were together until the day she passed away. 

You can still experience life when married, it's not like you just drop off planet earth. You can travel, party, etc, but you just have someone to do it with! BUT at the same time you don't have to do everything together. I went to Taiwan with my mom for 2 weeks, leaving my husband at home alone with the cats. He was totally fine with it. When I had to work Thanksgiving weekend, he went without me to his sister's for 2 days and I was okay with that. You can still do your own things.

But back to the original subject. As others have said, you probably should end the relationship. There's a reason you two keep breaking up and that's probably because you just don't work together. It's easy to go back because he's probably the only guy you've been with. Get out and meet some other guys. Eventually you'll find one that you don't want to break up with.

GilliC

moonprincessd said:

R.Wilsonny said:

^^ sorry to generalize like this but I know many people who got married in their early 20's and most of them were divorced within a few years. There's obviously going to be exceptions to the rule, but ultimately you are still figuring out who you are as a person in your 20's....and just because you have a college degree at 21, that doesn't mean shit when it comes to marriage. It doesn't magically make you mature enough to be married to someone. I mean, can you honestly say that you were the same person when you were 18 vs when you were 21 vs 25 etc? You change a lot in that span of time. Even now, as I'm inching closer to 40 - I'm a much different person now than I was 10 years ago when I met my H. We were both in our late 20's when we met and dated a long long time before walking down the aisle. Again, exceptions to the rule but overall, I think in your 20's, you should be living life and experiencing all life has to offer before getting tied down, especially tying yourself down to someone who is clearly wrong for you just because you've 'been together for a while' and it's familiar for you. Just my humble opinion.

I really hate this kind of thinking, it's a generalization, a stereotype. You marry young, oh you'll get a divorce soon! It's just not true. 

Age doesn't matter. What matters if that you are mature enough and understand what marriage is. What it means. Everyone is ready at a different time. It was once okay for people to marry at 14! Remember? They made it! My grandma was 15 when she married my grandpa (18) and they were together until the day she passed away. 

You can still experience life when married, it's not like you just drop off planet earth. You can travel, party, etc, but you just have someone to do it with! BUT at the same time you don't have to do everything together. I went to Taiwan with my mom for 2 weeks, leaving my husband at home alone with the cats. He was totally fine with it. When I had to work Thanksgiving weekend, he went without me to his sister's for 2 days and I was okay with that. You can still do your own things.

But back to the original subject. As others have said, you probably should end the relationship. There's a reason you two keep breaking up and that's probably because you just don't work together. It's easy to go back because he's probably the only guy you've been with. Get out and meet some other guys. Eventually you'll find one that you don't want to break up with.

I don't agree with the "People who marry young will end up divorced" sentiment, but I still don't really agree with the bolded statement. It's not about knowing what marriage is all about. It's about both of you knowing yourselves, and knowing what's really important to you.

All but the most foolish baby bride understands the commit involved. The problems that lead to divorce are not knowing (or overlooking) things about your partner that you're really not prepared/willing to deal with. People grow, and sometimes they grow into people we weren't expecting.

I knew what marriage was and what it meant, and that's part of why my XH and I stayed in an unhappy marriage for so long. We knew it was a huge commitment and we struggled for many years to make things work. And in the end it still didn't, because the people we married in our early 20s weren't the same people we were by our early 30s.

(As for "It was once okay for people to marry at 14! Remember?" ...It was also okay for parents to tell you who you were going to marry and for men to beat their wives. Also, divorce was literally not an option for much of history. Since some girls still marry at 14 -- or even 8 -- in some parts of the world, and don't have the option of divorce, let's just table that argument.)

nannycoe

Personally i believe that you two obivious have some love for each other or you wouldnt reenter a situation you didn't want to MULTIPLE times... You might try counceling or simply sitting down having a VERY MATURE convo and expresing what is on your minds and in your hearts.. If you decide to be together lat the past be as such and he might also want to encourage his friends to not bring up stories that might reflect badly on his character... OUT OF RESPECT FOR HIS WOMAN.... The decision will in fact untimately be yours, figure out what brought you together, what broke you apart, and what keeps you there...is it enough to keep this relationship healthy and you both happy????? Its all up to you hon

GilliC

nannycoe said:

Personally i believe that you two obivious have some love for each other or you wouldnt reenter a situation you didn't want to MULTIPLE times... You might try counceling or simply sitting down having a VERY MATURE convo and expresing what is on your minds and in your hearts.. If you decide to be together lat the past be as such and he might also want to encourage his friends to not bring up stories that might reflect badly on his character... OUT OF RESPECT FOR HIS WOMAN.... The decision will in fact untimately be yours, figure out what brought you together, what broke you apart, and what keeps you there...is it enough to keep this relationship healthy and you both happy????? Its all up to you hon

@nannycoe, There's a difference between "having some love for each other" and marriage being a good idea. I still "have some love" for my XH, because there are some things about him that I really admire. I wouldn't have married him or stayed with him for years if that wasn't the case. However, "some love" isn't enough to make a marriage work. Even "a whole shitload of love" isn't always enough to make marriage a great idea. Marriage is about being compatible with one another and wanting the same things out of life. 

Sure they keep getting back together, but surely you know some of those on-again-off-again couples that just never seem to go anywhere. Heck, I broke up with my high-school boyfriend "MULTIPLE times" and kept going back to him, because I really liked him even though he wasn't a good fit for me.

Sorry to sound harsh, but the whole "If you love each other, it will work out" just isn't always true. If you love each other enough, you can probably stick it out and keep working on things for many, many years (I know that I did), but do you really want to spend your whole life working to be happy? Why not just find someone with whom you don't have to try so hard?

ClaryPax

I would try individual counseling for yourself to see if this relationship is something that you want.  

katieg520

DO NOT GET MARRIED!!! If you are having doubts, don't do it. Getting married is for life - or it's supposed to be. And if you have a child with him, that's the rest of your life whether you are married or not. Trust me.

As far as the issue with his past, etc... I can relate. I have a very mild past... I never went through a wild phase and never missed it either, lol. My fiance, however, was wild and did things I can only imagine. However, we don't talk about it. I don't ask and he doesn't bring it up. His friends have only brought up certain things that I don't like, but never anything with a girl. I think they know it's in appropriate.

If you want to stay together and build your relationship then you have to communicate what you want and then he has to respond. He has to do the same though... tell you what he wants, etc. Relationships are work. It's not a fairy tale, period. However, if it's always work, then it just isn't right.

cutiepie0104

Im gonna be "real" with you here, if it doesn't feel right- it ISN'T right. you've already broken up and called off a wedding what other warning signs do you need? Try not to be stubborn and think that this has to work out, there is more out there. Spend some time concentrating on yourself and living your life. No matter what advice people give you on here you know how you feel. 

I am naturally a Jealous person, and I have told my Husband that if things come up we have to talk about it otherwise I blow things out of proportion, that hasn't happened for years now, but at one point it was a big deal for me. I never went to a party or rebelled at all whereas my H did but at the same time I know he is not the same person then as he was when we met.

You think you know him well, but over time people do change and other things do become different. I know I am not the same person I was when I was married at 20 (husband 24), we are better because of each other. We've been married 4 years now and I don't see things changing for the worse for us. 

Best advice I was given was: Don't take yourself to seriously, Life comes in waves accept them and move one. 

Good luck.