Trouble in Paradise
vianca02
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Bickering
So my wife and I are still kinda newlyweds, we've been married for 9 months. We both are full time students as well as having two jobs each. Needless to say, we are always busy and super stressed all of the time. The past few weeks, though, I feel like we've been bickering over the stupidest stuff when I try so hard not to let it turn into an argument. Right now, I'm gonna talk about two specific incidents just because it was today and two days ago, but it is not always about household stuff.
So because we are so busy, it is hard to take time out to clean the house. I would rather clean up after myself on the spot than to make a mess and clean it all up later on. So the other day we cleaned the house, and literally that night she left leftovers and junk in the living room after a meal. I asked her to pick it up, and she said she would in a minute. The next day, i come home from class at like 10PM and the mess is still there, and got worse. I jokingly teased her about not picking it up, and she flipped out and it turned into an argument. I didnt think it was that big of a deal because it just took 30 seconds to be brought into the kitchen sink. But she lost her temper and it ruined our night.
Today, i commented (i wasn't angry or anything) that if she can please be more careful taking meat out of the freezer and putting it in the fridge to defrost because she forgets about it and then the meat gets rotten. She does this all the time and we waste sooo much money on spoiled meat. I don't put it in the freezer myself bc i don't cook so i don't know if she had plans on cooking it one night and i ruined her plans by placing it back in the freezer. When i calmly asked her to be aware of that, she flipped out saying i was nitpicking and it was just because i was stressed and wanted to stress her out.
Am i in the wrong here? is it bad that i just asked her to be more careful with not letting meat spoil? we have a chicken and porkloin that just spoiled in our fridge, and this happens at least once a week. now i already mentioned that we are so financially tight we work two jobs, we don't have money to waste like this.
If i am right, how do ii talk to her without her flipping out on me? any suggestions?
Re: Bickering
Awww, you sound like us women. Lol, always getting upset with our guys not cleaning up after themselves. So frustrating!
Hmm, well it isn't always easy communicating with each other. Especially when you are so stressed and busy. You both are stressed out and are getting under each other's skin. I would say for now if it bothers you that much then just pick up her stuff. Then when you two are actually relaxed and maybe after dinner or something talk with her, when neither of you are in the middle of something, do it while calm. No one likes to be told what to do, I get a little upset sometimes when my H tells me to do something that I plan on doing but haven't gotten around to doing it.
I understand totally why you get upset, we all do. As the food and leaving out the meat, talk with her about it, but wait until you two are chillin out. Bickering happens and it is hard to shake. One thing someone told me the day of my wedding, "Never stop trying to out serve one another" Trust me, it isn't always easy, but it does help. When you are unable to do things you would hope she would help you out and vice versa.. Good luck!!!
If you lose a lot of money on spoiled food/meat - eat out or bring home take out. You'll probably spend about the same and clean up is pretty easy.
This is nothing new. You two need to figure out what chores you hate, which one's you don't mind doing, and negotiate who does what. And if you both hate it - agree to a plan on how you tackle it together.
My question to you is if it bothers you so much...why didn't you just pick up the plates and take them into the kitchen? Men are sharing more of the household responsibilities. Hop to it.
So I'm the one who is messy and generally does airheaded things that irritate my fiancé. I don't mean to, though! When I do something dumb and he gives me the, "babe, you need to be careful" I get SO irritated because OBVIOUSLY I didn't mean to do whatever dumb thing I did. It was an accident.
There are going to be times that you do things that are annoying to her and vice versa. What has helped with us is that we split up duties. Your job can be washing dishes so you don't see them laying all over the house. If her job is... laundry for example... then let her do it in her time, her way (but give her a couple days notice if you are almost out of boxers so she can plan ahead.)
Figure out what her plans are for meals at the beginning of the week so you can monitor the meat situation in the fridge. Offer to help plan the week's meals ahead of time so maybe you can even be in charge of the defrosting.
I think my general theme here is to be PROactive instead of REactive. Solve the issue before you need to lecture her so that she doesn't blow up at you. My guess is her reaction is happening because she's already mad at herself for doing or not doing whatever it is that you are commenting on.
We also worked through a premarital counseling workbook where I realized that my short temper when he's trying to tell me something that is bugging him really isn't called for. I think something like that might be useful to you. Sit down together and decide together that the way you're communicating isn't working and figure out how you want to work on it. Don't start hashing out all the issues you've been bickering about. Just discuss how you can solve the communication side of it. That way the next time she lashes out at you, she can think about that conversation and chill out a little, because she knows that you're not trying to be mean.
FYI, the OP could be a woman. So please be a bit more sensitive in your replies just in case.
Thank you.
Sounds like she has a hard time taking constructive criticism. Has she always been like this ? Doe she behave the same way with her boss ?
If I were you I would pick your battles and let the things like dishes let out overnight go, especially if she will be the one to clean them, but I would say something about the meat. I mean I too have accidently done that, letting meat spoil, but if it is happening once a week, that is a bit much and needs to be addressed. She probably is just as mad and embarrassed too.
But overall, everyone needs to learn how to take constructive criticism so that they can have healthy relationships because this will not only affect your marriage but also you work. My husband is a manager where he works and he has said time and time again that his worst employees are the ones that can't handle constructive criticism, so this is something she will have to work on; possibly with the help of a counselor.
I would mention it. Don't say it in anger or during a fight, but bring it to her attention. Let her know that learning how to take constructive criticism is just part of being an adult, and people aren't out to hurt her but are only trying to help. By being so defensive, she is becoming unapproachable and that will not only hurt your marriage, but it will also hurt her chances at work.
She's not perfect and there will be times that someone will have to tell her what she is doing is wrong. That's ok.
Prepare yourself. She will probably be really angry when you mention this and will most likely turn it back on you, but hopefully, you will give her something to think about.
Here is what you should do:
Ask her "Honey, you thawed out the chicken/turkey,/fisht/whatever it is --- what do we want to do with it? What shall we make?"
Maybe you can be proactive and just bake it or fry it or cook it before it gets a chance to go bad.
It's easy to do a chicken or beef -- get yourself a meat thermometer and pop it intot he oven after you season it with salt, pepper and garlic --- bake it at 350 degrees and go by the thermometer for whatever you are cooking. I usually give it about 20 minutes extra for chicken.
I always make one main meal on Sunday and that's more than plenty to last for the week --- chili, a turkey breast, meatballs, pot roast, lasagna. roast beef, etc. Try it -- it's a great idea.
This way nobody has to cook when they get home from work or school