constant picking...

PhillyGal34

My DH and I have been married for almost 3 years and together 5.5 years.  We have an amazing son who is 16 months old.  We own a house although I want to buy a bigger one eventually. We have good jobs although DH has been screwed around at work and they are just now giving him a promotion he earned 6 months ago and has been performing without the pay increase and perks.  Our son was a preemie which was stressful but we were such a great team through all of that.  

Suddenly for the past month or two all we do is fight.  Not yelling fights but picking at each other and then not talking for hours fights.  It's like we went from a team to competitors and neither of us knows why.  I know we are both stressed. Financially we are stable but we are talking about another kid in the next year or two and I am already stressed about the cost of daycare and the fact that we need another house because it will be tight here with another kid.  

I've talked to my husband about this recently and we both realize that this is going on but neither of us knows why or how to fix it.  We've always had an amazing relationship and are best friends.  In our 5.5 years we've had a few small spats but only one real fight which lasted about 24 hours and that was 2.5 years ago. We talk through things... usually... and it isn't as if we avoid fights to avoid them, we just really had no reason to fight or worked through any issues without a fight occurring. 

Any suggestions to get us out of this rut? We will see someone if we have to but I don't think we are at that point yet.  How do we stop the picking and get back to being a team? 

PhillyGal34

Eta dh and I both agree there's an issue but we don't know what it is. Are there any workbooks or exercises you can recommend that may help us figure it out??

spikeinc

I would go to counseling. One of the biggest thing our counselor said to us was that most people wait to go to counseling until the problem is too big and that if more people went earlier there would be a lot more happy couples. I think that just having a third party there to discuss and go through your issues can really help you figure out exactly what has changed and help you both get back on the same page. My H and I were so happy we went before there were huge issues and know if anything ever arrises again we would go back in a heartbeat. It really helped us learn to communicate even better than before. Good luck.

TarponMonoxide

See a therapist. Get some sort of a communication "Tuneup."

This is fixable. GL.

kss20

There are marriage workbooks on Amazon that you can work through.  I've said this on here quite a few times, now.  The workbook is a lot like counseling in the sense that it gives you a safe time/place to talk about what bugs you without it being a fight.  It promotes productive communication.  The one I used (for premarital counseling) was Perspectives on Marriage from Acta Publishing.  But if that doesn't work for you and you are still "picking" do you really want to WAIT until you are at the point you need real counseling?  Wouldn't you rather nip it in the bud and never get to that point?

PhillyGal34

I think that we will start with a workbook... I honestly think that once we start to talk we will be ok but neither of us knows where to start with trying to figure out the issue.  If it doesn't help after a little bit I have no hesitation to go see someone and DH has already agreed that he will as well.  Both of us know that we can get past this and want to so I am sure we will. 

Thank you all 

tiffanysbride

IDK about a workbook but I really liked a book called What Did I Expect? by Paul Tripp. DH and I read it this year b/c we were having trouble communicating and found ourselves bickering over stupid things. Anyway it was a good book to start a few conversations and there is a section about forgetting about your relationship and just going through the motions b/c life takes over (esp with kids). 

CandaceLafleur

*zips up flame retardant suit*

You both sound whiny and negative. Are your issues valid? Of course, though just on your single post you've got a pattern.

We own a house, but want a bigger one. We both have great jobs, but DH's screwed him around, even though he's happy now. We have an amazing son, but he was premature so it was really difficult.

Take out your but's. stop using them completely and you've got:

We own a house. We both have great jobs. We have an amazing son.

Seriously- you wonder why you're not happy? Why neither of you are happy? Why you're not super happy with each other? Describe your husband, with no buts, just to yourself. Probably pretty good, eh? Now when is the last time you made him feel like that? Like he is good and enough, just as he is? How about you? You think you are appreciative of what you have, but you're not, clearly, just from one post.

Start appreciating and enjoying what you have and especially each other. Remove "but" and any word like it from your vocabulary for awhile and see if things start to change.

It's got to be tough living a life that is never quite good enough, for both of you.

PhillyGal34

@candacelafleur no flame retardant suit needed. I have big girl panties on.

And you are right. Somewhere along the way I stopped being happy with what I have. I think dh is more ok with it and that actually bothered me. We talked about this a bit tonight before I even read this. I am constantly looking ahead and not living in the present and I'm always frustrated with the wait.

It is tough living that life.


Thank you for the "tough love"... You reaffirmed what we talked about.

Tofumonkey

No worries ( my phone signs me in as my really old account - I'm CandaceLafleur)

I hope you guys manage to work it out!