Child Debate

futuremrstarter

Hubby and I have an amazing 5-year-old son and I would love another child. Hubby, however, has always been content with just the one. It's become a real sore spot for us. For the last year he has been telling me that he would be willing to go ahead and have another and that we could start trying around October/November 2013. This morning he tells me he's been trying to convince himself that he can do this for me, but has realized he can't. I'm heartbroken and mad-it was cruel to lead me on that way. I am well aware that I am blessed with one healthy, happy child. But I also don't want to be 80 and regretting not having a 2nd child. Anyone been through this and how did you cope?

doeydo

Well, I'm sorry but you can't have a child with someone who doesn't want to.  Is this a deal breaker for you?  If it is, then you can leave your husband and use a sperm donor, adopt, or find someone new to have a kid/kids with.  If it isn't a deal breaker and you need help to "cope", I advise spending time with some brats or watching bratty kids on TV.  The beginnings or American Supernanny, Nanny 911, Supernanny, etc. always discourages me from wanting kids (though I'm not really a kid person).  ETA spelling

TarponMonoxide

It happens.

Shitty, but it happens.

One half of the couple who was rarin' to go as far as hving kids goes, changes his or her mind.

What I would do:

Wait a month -- have no "kids" discussions in that entire time period -- and then sit down with him and talk to him about his comment.

Make sure the conversation is a lengthy one and everything is discussed in detail.

If it so turns out he is still pretty clear about not adding additional kids to your family, you will have to decide if that is a decision you can live with.

Not every kiddo needs a sibling. Many get along fine as only children. It is advantageous for them: no sibling rivalry, no "waahhhh HE is your favorite and not MEEEE" outbursts, no bullshit fighting in the back seat when the bunch of you are on a road trip vacation, less college funds for you and your H to save and your only child gets your undivided attentions versus having to divide your time with his or her sibling.

I second doeydo --- get the good, the bad and the ugly regarding additional kids -- ask your friends to tell their childraising horror stories and let them tell the stories with all the warts and bumps.:)  Let them include bitter sibling rivalry, how often they referee fights between the kids, why the kids fight, etc.

If you want a kiddie fix, volunteer!!!! Tons of after school programs and other activities always need adult volunteers to help you.|

If it turns out that you indeed want an additional child, you have to decide where to go from here.
Indeed you might consider divorce and being a mother via the single mom route -- as the pp suggested, adoption,anonymous sperm donor, surrogate, finding a suitable donor via the men you know who would not mind donating sperm for a good cause.

Leftie22

I completely understand why you're disappointed and heartbroken, but it was better for him to be honest and tell you than to go ahead and have another that he doesn't want. I know a couple who did that, and the DH is absolutely miserable. He spends all the time he can away from home, makes his wife feel like she should do everything for the kids and he should be able to go on trips without them, because she was the one who wanted another. It's heartbreaking too, and I hate to see their second son have absolutely no bond with his father. He's viewed as more of an obstacle to the DH's happiness, instead of as a source of happiness. I'm sorry you don't see eye to eye on this, but it's better not to have a kid if both parents aren't totally on board. It would only cause misery for you and the baby. And I do think it was brave of your DH to tell you, it probably wasn't easy for him either.

magsugar13

Did you have the conversation before you married?

People change their minds. Having children isn't always what people expect it to be and the reality doesn't hit them until they actually have one. He was honest with you, you knew he was content with just one, and im sure he told you to wait a year because he was hoping his feelings would change. He probably should have said we will revisit the idea in a year.

But, now you have to make a choice. DO NOT have a child with someone who doesn't want one.

YOU need to decide if this means the end of the marriage. Will you regret staying and not having anymore? will you come to resent him? Only you can answer these questions.

hindsight's_a_biotch

You need to rethink your definition of cruelty. Mr man has known for years that he didn't want a child. But for you, he tried to rethink that decision, tried his best to give it a good shot but at the end of the day, it would be cruel to have a child when you don't want one, no matter how badly someone else does.

I know you don't want to hear this but you really need to decide if having a second child is more important to you than your marriage with this man. I wouldn't blame you either way. But it's a question only you can answer and you need to answer it honestly or you'll end up resenting him in the long run.

Have you considered talking to a therapist to help you sort it out?

imoan1001

Amen HS.  There is no middle-ground when it comes to wanting someone to have a child they don't want.  He'll resent you, he'll resent the kid... and you'll resent him for resenting you and the kid.  If having a 2nd is so important to you, your only choice at this juncture is whether or not you are willing to end your marriage for the SHOT (because let's be honest, it's not a guarantee that you'll find another person, or that you wont have IF issues this time around, etc) at a possible 2nd child.  

Janessadawn

Has he said why he's so deadset against having a second child? Perhaps his reasons need to be explored. Maybe he's worried about things the two of you could figure out. (Generic examples being money, time, space, energy, etc.) Or is he at an age where he thinks he's too old to be a new father? (My H is 32, I'm 25, and he's always said he doesn't want to be an "old dad." Psh.)

It may be worth involving an impartial third party (a therapist) to explore his reasons against a second kid, as well as your reasons for wanting one, and you may be able to come to a mutual decision. Best of luck.