Discouraged about lack of support

Leftie22

I had a frustrating conversation with DH this morning and want some outside perspectives. Backstory is, I'm a stay at home mom to a toddler, and I'm pregnant. We recently moved across the country, and I don't know many people in my new city yet. I've been feeling like crap this whole pregnancy, but for the most part sucking it up and still taking care of my son, the house, our finances and all the cooking. The past two weeks have been really rough and my son has been waking up a lot at night. I feel exhausted. I've also been having some mild complications with this pregnancy that aren't too severe, but I'm depressed because we can't afford the meds and supplements I need to take for them. This morning I felt awful, so I asked DH if he could use some sick time and take care of DS this morning. He does. Then, when I get up at nine, I feel really sad and I'm trying to tell DH how I feel. I was crying a lot, and told him I feel upset that I have no supports here and that my only options are to either try to take care of my son while feeling terrible, or ask him to miss work, which I feel bad about. I wish we had other options. I also said I feel really crappy that I can't afford all the treatments I need right now. I expected some comfort or sympathy, or at least listening. Instead DH gets mad, tells me I'm not doing anything to fix my problems, and then accuses me of trying to start a fight. I was really taken aback. All I was looking for was comfort, or a little understanding that it sucks to not be able to have any time off when I'm sick and pregnant. I told him I was really surprised by his reaction, but he just got more pissed and starts saying that he can't quit work to take care of me. (Huh?? Not what I was talking about or asking for.) Now I just feel hurt and alone. I don't understand how he can have so little empathy, or how he can think that me venting about my frustrations is somehow picking a fight. It had nothing to do with him, and now he's turned it into something all about him. Later, he said he knows I'm not trying to start a fight and he doesn't know why he said that. I'm glad he admitted it was a crappy comment, but it doesn't help much. I guess I just feel like he was kicking me when I'm down, and I don't know why. Am I crazy?

cordsniper

I don't know if this is the case for you but its a common issue I see.  You both have, essentially, full time jobs.  Being a SAHM is a very taxing full time job.  What I hear about often is that once dad gets home, the mom is dying for a break and dad has to take over.  This essentially has him working two jobs all while being the bread winner for the family and all the responsibility that comes along with it.  I'm sure when he gets home, he needs to unwind.  Its really hard on both parents and having a second child increases that anxiety.  It sounds like you need some family support but it is impossible considering your location. He can't fix this and you are complaining to him about it.  Guys are fixers and in their minds, you are asking him to fix an impossible situation.  They don't seem to understand that you just wanted him to listen to you to vent.  They just need to fix. 

What about joining one of those mom groups?  Get out during the day with your kid?  As for the health issues, are there any social services you would qualify for? Could you look into other, possibly less expensive, treatment options?  Call your insurance provider and see if they cover some similar/equivalent treatments?

TarponMonoxide

I've also been having some mild complications with this pregnancy that aren't too severe, but I'm depressed because we can't afford the meds and supplements I need to take for them.

I am sorry -- have you contacted social services in your city or a social worker at your closest hospital where there is a prenatal clinic?

See if you can qualify for free meds. Or meds you need at a very reduced price.  See if your doc can get you samples.

I don't know if your H is pressured and it is a trickle down effect of what's happening to you or what but he can't do this to you. You and him need to have a talk -- and a long one -- and get some type of counseling.

Get a counselor that charges on a rolling fee basis.

I second the Mommy and Me programs. GL.

Sillygirl45

I don't know what condition you have, but ask your doctor and/or pharmacist about generics or similar meds that are cheaper. Most doctors and pharmacists are really great about that.  I also know if you have traditional insurance, medication copays can be high. Regardless of your specific situation, I agree with pp's, check out if there are programs in your area for low income too. Also, webmd and google. Always good to educate yourself. You'd be surprised what you can find on line. Just make sure to clear anything you decide to try with your doctor first.

Getting out for a mommy and me or something like that would be a great idea. It sounds like you need some outlet other than H and little one. I don't know if you're shy or not, but I'm not usually a "group" kind of person. I think you should try it though. Hopefully you'll find some nice lady's to relate to.

Rainzzzy

My husband's number one fear is not being able to provide adequately for his family. This seems to be a common fear for a lot of men. Oftentimes people (especially men) react to fear with anger because they feel helpless. You expressing your struggles and how you are going without needed medicine was probably painful for him to hear, especially when he feels incapable of improving your situation. This doesn't excuse him lashing out, but it may be a possible explanation for his reaction.

Leftie22

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the supportive words! My DH and I talked again when he got home from work today, and he apologized. He said he knows he doesn't deal well with feelings, and he feels bad about not making more money. I agree with the poster who said it might be fear of not providing. I was the breadwinner before I went on mat leave with my first child, and my DH's job situation hasn't been very stable, and I know he worries about that. Usually I can make our tight budget work, it's just this month has had some sudden big expenses. I will look into getting more coverage or subsidies for meds. I've also been recommended to take a bunch of supplements that our health plan doesn't cover, but I'll do more research. Thanks again for being kind!

kss20

Rainzzzy said:

My husband's number one fear is not being able to provide adequately for his family. This seems to be a common fear for a lot of men. Oftentimes people (especially men) react to fear with anger because they feel helpless. You expressing your struggles and how you are going without needed medicine was probably painful for him to hear, especially when he feels incapable of improving your situation. This doesn't excuse him lashing out, but it may be a possible explanation for his reaction.

This!  You struck a nerve talking about how you cannot afford treatments, and your H most likely took this to mean that HE is not being the man and providing for you.  This sounds like a normal man reaction to me.  Not RIGHT, but normal.  Try not to dwell on his outburst.  Just explain to him your emotional needs at the moment and remember that you need him to support you and HE needs YOU to support and be understanding of his feelings as well.

And I agree with PP that you should be researching every avenue possible to get what you need to have a healthy pregnancy.  There are ways that you can get what it is that you need, it might just take a little work to find them.

tiffanysbride

In addition to looking into programs did you tell your doctor you cannot afford the recommended treatment? Perhaps they could suggest something affordable? It sounds like you are both really stressed from the move and life changes, that never helps communication. Perhaps in the future you should both resist having conversations that have hot button issues when emotional. The fact is he did stay home when you asked and that has to count for something. His reaction was wrong but so was yours. Take a deep breathe, look at the library for free activities for you and your child, look at mommy groups, etc. Once you start to feel plugged in it will your mood and your marriage, being a SAHM is isolating and you cannot depend on him for all of your adult interaction. 

Leftie22

tiffanysbride said:

In addition to looking into programs did you tell your doctor you cannot afford the recommended treatment? Perhaps they could suggest something affordable? It sounds like you are both really stressed from the move and life changes, that never helps communication. Perhaps in the future you should both resist having conversations that have hot button issues when emotional. The fact is he did stay home when you asked and that has to count for something. His reaction was wrong but so was yours. Take a deep breathe, look at the library for free activities for you and your child, look at mommy groups, etc. Once you start to feel plugged in it will your mood and your marriage, being a SAHM is isolating and you cannot depend on him for all of your adult interaction. 

Thanks, I totally agree that I need other outlets, it just hasn't been easy to find them. I go to a couple of free mom and baby groups, but I haven't made any real buddies yet. I know once I do I'll be much happier. I couldn't agree more about how isolating being a SAHM is, and we live in a town with a lot of retired people, so there aren't that many other moms. I will keep trying, though. It helps to hear someone else say that, though, now I don't feel like such a freak!

MommyLiberty5013

I really identify with what you're saying. I have done a move to a new state with 2 little kids. I have no family here and I had our 3rd baby in July and had to rely on neighbors for help sometimes. It's really hard - I really empathize with you. I am a SAHM too.

Aside from the advice the PPs gave about finding a new pathway for the meds you need (and I agree), is to make an intentional effort to get out of the house, even if it's for a drive. Honestly, I went through the car wash 3 times in one week because it was something to do that didn't involve unstrapping the kids.

Moms groups are all over. You could try GOOGLE or BING searches of moms group in your city. Also, many larger churches offer moms groups that meet once per week. I am in one of those and although my views differ from some women there, it's so nice to be in a place where people understand.

GL!

short+sassy

Assuming you live in the US, check out Canadian online pharmacies for your meds.  I have very expensive meds I need to take every day and found them half off at a Canadian online pharmacy.  If you go this route, just do your due diligence and make sure it is a reputable company.  I would also comparison shop for supplements.  Wal-mart and Sam's Club can also be great places to find much cheaper medications and supplements.  For example, one of my medications was $26 at Walmart, but $75 (and up) everywhere else.  Exact same brand name and everything.