Why was I so stupid.

tigerfighter

I posted last month about issues with my husband and telling him I want a divorce.  Well I made it past the deadline he gave me to come to my senses, but we had decided the next morning to give it one more try.  Though in the few weeks after that I had a huge project at work and a paper due at school.  But we had gotten into a few fights and he always said mean things towards me.  Our cat ended up getting fleas and he blames me for it because I held my dad's cat, who does not have fleas.  He says I should be relieving his stress and not causing it, but yet he does not to do the same for me.  Today we got into a huge fight and he said I need to do soul searching and figure out what is wrong with me and do a 180 change or we start the divorce proceedings.  I should have just stuck with my decision last time.  I feel so stupid.

Disneygeek77

You have been here complaining about your husband for a long time.  Every single post you make you seem so miserable.

There is a better life out there for you,  you simply have to choose it. 

 

tigerfighter

I want to be happy.  So I think when he gets home I will tell him i did some thinking and this is not fixable.  He keeps accusing me of cheating due to me working overtime.

Disneygeek77

What is your plan ?

Do you have a name of a good attorney ?

 

 

tigerfighter

I found a website for a 3 step divorce that provides all necessary paperwork.  we own no property.  I have a car from before the marriage, he has no car, we have 2 credit cards with a balance, 1 I opened in 2007 (we met in 2011 and married 2012), the other we opened together in december 2012 to buy furniture for new apartment.  I am willing to take over all of the credit card debt (I am a stickler on my credit score).  Also I bring in over 2 the amount he brings in.

Disneygeek77

Have you talked to an attorney yet ?

TarponMonoxide

tigerfighter said:

I posted last month about issues with my husband and telling him I want a divorce.  Well I made it past the deadline he gave me to come to my senses, but we had decided the next morning to give it one more try.  Though in the few weeks after that I had a huge project at work and a paper due at school.  But we had gotten into a few fights and he always said mean things towards me.  Our cat ended up getting fleas and he blames me for it because I held my dad's cat, who does not have fleas.  He says I should be relieving his stress and not causing it, but yet he does not to do the same for me.  Today we got into a huge fight and he said I need to do soul searching and figure out what is wrong with me and do a 180 change or we start the divorce proceedings.  I should have just stuck with my decision last time.  I feel so stupid.

Takes 2 to tango. You are not the sole cause of the discord.

There's probably miscommunication, immaturity on his part and blame placing.

You gave it another try and that's admirable.  Put yourself first. GL.

TarponMonoxide

Double post. Never mind.:)

magsugar13

Everyone here has told you the same thing over and over, yet you continue the cycle and continue to be surprised when things don't change.

If you want things to change, change things.

 

 

Leftie22

Dang, I was really rooting for you to get away from him. To me, he sounds emotionally abusive. He blames everything on you and has you trying to be "good enough" to deserve him?? What the hell has he done to prove that he deserves you? I get the feeling you have low self esteem and this guy is playing on it. He makes you think he's hot sh@t and that you're lucky to have him, because he knows he's actually a loser who doesn't deserve you. I really hope you get some help and do whatever you can to boost your self esteem and discover what you're worth. A relationship shouldn't be this miserable. Is this how you dreamed of being treated by your life partner? I doubt it. Ditch I him, do some self discovery and don't settle for an unhappy, conflict-ridden relationship. I really wish you the best. Guys like your DH make me mad.

tigerfighter

I also have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. We talked things out and giving one last try and i am going to go for treatment. But i am getting to the point i just dont care. He called me a quitter.

anssett

For many the decision to get divorced doesn't happen in a single act. It happens slowly with lots of thinking, reconsidering, speaking your mind, thinking, reconsidering, etc. You're on the right track. This is really hard! It will happen when you're strong enough to make it happen. It's OK if that takes a few tries. As long as you're safe. 

magsugar13

tigerfighter said:

I also have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. We talked things out and giving one last try and i am going to go for treatment. But i am getting to the point i just dont care. He called me a quitter.

So,  you are going back for more?

doeydo

The problem isn't you.  The problem is that he is an idiot.  And that won't change.

tigerfighter

We had another fight today and it is over.  We are getting a divorce.  I told him I do not love him anymore, which is true.

EastCoastBride

Don't worry about the past.  Focus on the future.  You know what you need to do, so do it.  Don't waste anymore time. 

 

Leftie22

tigerfighter said:

We had another fight today and it is over.  We are getting a divorce.  I told him I do not love him anymore, which is true.

I'm wishing you the best of luck. I hope you get away from this destructive relationship, and get help and support for your mental health issues. I'm sure it isn't helped by being in such a toxic relationship.

Sillygirl45

I don't know that H is the issue here. You've now stated you have no less than 4 mental health diagnoses and we are only getting your side of the story.

Borderline Personality Disorder: "Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions. These inner experiences often result in impulsive actions and chaotic relationships with other people."

Sounds about right. You need to work on yourself. I'm not saying this is your fault per se, but it probably isn't all on him. Good luck.

hindsight's_a_biotch

Sillygirl45 said:

I don't know that H is the issue here. You've now stated you have no less than 4 mental health diagnoses and we are only getting your side of the story.

Borderline Personality Disorder: "Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions. These inner experiences often result in impulsive actions and chaotic relationships with other people."

Sounds about right. You need to work on yourself. I'm not saying this is your fault per se, but it probably isn't all on him. Good luck.

Well that's guaranteed to make her feel better.

OP, he doesn't sound like a good support system for you.

+just+j+

Sillygirl45 said:

I don't know that H is the issue here. You've now stated you have no less than 4 mental health diagnoses and we are only getting your side of the story.

Borderline Personality Disorder: "Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions. These inner experiences often result in impulsive actions and chaotic relationships with other people."

Sounds about right. You need to work on yourself. I'm not saying this is your fault per se, but it probably isn't all on him. Good luck.

I am sure her borderline diagnosis is not making the situation easier but he is not being supportive. If you both have not been in therapy, you should consider it if you change your mind and decide to stay again.

He needs to fully understand your diagnosis and how that changes things in how he approaches you and solving problems in your relationship.

You on the other hand need to do work too and do all you can as an individual struggling with BPD to counter act the negative aspects it has on ALL your relationships. These issues won't go away with a divorce and if you do nothing about your diagnosis. It will creep into the next relationship and other parts of your life.

I had a step child who is BPD. Its not easy for you or your friends and family, and it won't improve until you do the work.

Your husband is not handling this right in my opinion and based on what you have said, if he truly wants the marriage he will get help in understanding you and better coping with the challenges your diagnosis brings.

Sillygirl45

hindsight's_a_biotch said:

Sillygirl45 said:

I don't know that H is the issue here. You've now stated you have no less than 4 mental health diagnoses and we are only getting your side of the story.

Borderline Personality Disorder: "Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions. These inner experiences often result in impulsive actions and chaotic relationships with other people."

Sounds about right. You need to work on yourself. I'm not saying this is your fault per se, but it probably isn't all on him. Good luck.

Well that's guaranteed to make her feel better.

OP, he doesn't sound like a good support system for you.

Maybe not, but OP has been posting since July that she isn't happy, doesn't love her H, never should have married, and is ready for a divorce. 

Her whole backstory is one of being a victim. She needs to stop seeing herself that way and blaming others for bad decisions. What she needs to do is go get some help and get herself better regardless of what H does or doesn't do. 

If pointing out she is at least partially responsible for the drama in her life causes her to take action, great. If not, she has plenty of people telling her it's not her fault, H is a jerk, etc... She is more than welcome to ignore me.

+just+j+

Sillygirl - you obviously do not know or understand how BPD operates.  This is classic. She can't just "stop".  She's going to have to do a lot of work to do that.  And maybe it IS best for her to do that on her own.

Regardless of what she contributes to the dysfunction of the relationship, he's behaving like an ass and it doesn't make it okay if she has BPD. If her H can't help her with that...then he needs to leave.  She'd probably be better off anyway if the things he says are true. He sounds ALOT like my narcisstic XH. 

She doesn't need this board to advise her, she needs a therapist that specializes and can help her with her disorder. Clarity on her marriage (if it survives) and anything else she struggles with all fall into place with proper therapy.

tigerfighter

I had gone to therapy for a few months for my BPD back in 2007, things were going good and then I started school and had to stop (schedules conflicted).  I find my symptoms really get out of hand when everything is getting really stressful and out of control.  If I can keep everything in control and avoid being overly stressed I can be in control of my emotions.  This year we had a blizzard, an anniversary party we helped throw, trying to conceive (we eventually decided to not have children for multiple reasons), my husband being out for work for the summer, and then I went back to school and now work full time and go to school when I get home.  So I have to find time for work (when there is overtime), time for school (I go online to be flexible for work), and husband time.