Breaking Family Traditions

jrholbrook

My hubby and I have been married for a little over 3 years now, and have been together for 9 years. We don't have children. All of our siblings and parents live within half an hour of us. Our holidays have been hectic for the past several years...spending time with my family, as well as my hubby's mom's side and dad's side. It leaves us feeling more tired than ever. And on top of that, we have never established our OWN traditions...even decorating our house seems stupid, as we're only there to sleep during the holidays.

Christmas has especially been stressful. As a child, my family would "camp out" on the living room floor by the fireplace and the tree on Christmas Eve. Then early Christmas morning, we would wake up and open gifts one by one and spend time together.
I now have 9 nieces/nephews...and this has become their tradition as well. We all show up at my parent's house around 6 or 7 on Christmas Eve. We have dinner and a ping pong tournament. Then we watch a movie, sleep, and wake up and open gifts all together. Since we don't have children, we have simply "gone along" with the tradition. I was a little surprised that my siblings didn't feel the need to do Christmas morning on their own.

Regardless, my husband and I have felt that we want to do our own thing on Christmas morning. We want to sleep at our own house, wake up at our own house, and do what we want to do. I sent out an email to my 4 siblings and parents to let them know that we won't be sleeping over. We tried to be very sensitive. We said we would still do Christmas Eve...even come earlier in the day, and stay pretty late. We were just hoping we could open family gifts on Christmas Eve so we could establish our own traditions. We even asked if anybody has thoughts or suggestions on how we could plan to fit in everybodys' plans.

I wasn't prepared for the backlash.  How frustrated they are that I'm ruining the traditions.
My little sister said it would be more understandable for one of my siblings that has children to do this....but why me? Basically suggesting that I have NO reason to establish my own traditions without kids.
She, being the only unmarried one, also asked for me to consider her feelings...being alone with mom and dad on Christmas.
I tried to explain that we would still be having a family Christmas....just not on Christmas morning.
I also tried to explain that everyone could still spend the night if they wanted to. We just wouldn't be joining in for that part.

Now everybody seems to be saying, "Screw it, let's just not do anything." I'm extremely frustrated that it has come to this. I only wanted to keep Christmas morning for us...even if we did an overnight on a DIFFERENT night. I just don't know what to say about it anymore. I feel as if I'm the bad guy here...and nothing will be resolved unless I back down, which I DON'T want to do.

Any suggestions?

BeckyOff

jrholbrook said:

My little sister said it would be more understandable for one of my siblings that has children to do this....but why me? Basically suggesting that I have NO reason to establish my own traditions without kids.

Ugh.  I get the kids thing, too.  Suddenly, since my siblings all have spawn, I am un-worthy of any consideration during the holidays.

My advice is to ignore their childish reactions.  Formulate a response, and stick to it.  "Husband and I decided to do our own thing on Christmas morning, but we'll still see you on Christmas Eve if you would like."  You do not owe them any explanation for your decision.  If they want to cancel everything, that's their problem.   

Don't let them manipulate/ guilt trip you into changing your plans.  Stick to your plan.

They can get over it- or stay mad forever.  Their choice.

srfr8908

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening for you!

I agree, stick to your plan. Don't let yourselves get manipulated and feel guilty about trying to establish your own traditions.

We are just approaching our 1-year Anniversary, but this will be our second set of holidays as a married couple, and I'll admit that I'm the one having trouble with the thought of breaking my family's traditions.

We are doing what we did last year: Thanksgiving, we go up to H's parents house for actual Thanksgiving Day (4 hours away from our home, but we drive up there the night before Thanksgiving) and then leave that afternoon to go back home and have Thanksgiving leftovers with my family. I then go on my traditional Black Friday shopping outing with my mom and sister. Then for Christmas, we're going to his parents' the weekend before Christmas. We will be up there for 4 days. Then we'll be with my family for actual Christmas Eve/Christmas.

All of this seems to work right now, but I'm not sure how it will work once we have kids. That is a little bit down the road, so I try not to worry about it...but OVERALL: HOLIDAYS CAN BE EXTREMELY STRESSFUL. :-)

jrholbrook

Thank you to both of you! Sometimes you just need some reassurance that you aren't being unreasonable!

cutiepie0104

you guys all live close together, go to the family dinner and leave shortly after. Once you have Children you may feel differently, but at some point no matter how sweet that tradition is if you don't want to do it don't. you can all still celebrate together and start your own thing just as your siblings decided to carry on the tradition you can choose to do your own too.

pastalady

I think the part that may be upsetting to them is the opening gifts on Christmas Eve. Maybe you and your DH can take your gifts over for them to put under the tree and vice versa. If they really want to keep the tradition of opening Christmas morning, you can decide if you really need to be there for that. We wanted to create our own traditions so we do our own Christmas morning with DD. My parents would prefer we trudge everything over there and then lug it back home but we put our foot down. There comes a time when you have to do what feels right for your family, whatever that is.

Disneygeek77

Remember this is your holiday too.  You and your husband are more than pawns through which others get to enjoy themselves during the holidays.  You guys are also your own family and can truly do whatever you please.  Really you can.  You can go on vacation, you can sit at home and eat Chinese and watch Kung Fu movies all day, or you can enjoy a small intimate gathering with just the two of you.  You don't need anyone's blessing or permission to do so.  Stay at home on Christmas morning.  They might get upset but the world won't end.  Trust me, they will be ok.

However, on the other hand, I would drop the whole " let's open the family presents on Christmas eve" thing.  They don't want to do that ( and I don't blame them, I wouldn't either), so just let that one go.  Bring your gifts with you for Christmas dinner and then everyone can open what you brought and you can open your own gifts. 

FWIW, I believe that upsetting your family is a part of growing up.  My dad wasn't happy when we said we wouldn't be coming down for Christmas morning, but he got over it. 

bslsg13

Part of creating your own traditions has to include not asking them for permission to do so or it's pointless. Just be matter of fact about it and let them know when you and your hubs will and won't be there and that you still love them and look forward to the holidays.  

chrisnjay05212010

Im sorry they are giving you the guilt trip. but like the others have said, stick to your guns. You and your DH are allowed to have your own Christmas morning in your home.

The first year that I moved out and was living with my now DH, my mom called us on Christmas morning (even after i told her we wouldn't be over til late morning) asking if we would come over, insisting i could even come in my pjs.  I told her no, we are opening our gifts together and as we discussed we will come over for brunch. She was angry and i had to hang up on her. But by the time i got to her house she was fine.

I agree with disneygeek, this is all just a part of growing up and starting your own family.  Everyone will adjust in time.

CitrusLove

Dearest Writer,

I have to tell you that it makes perfect sense as to why you dread the holiday festivities! Because that's what you came to become accustomed to since childhood as you said...it was always stressful. Well my advice is that you don't let STRESS become your holiday tradition. I would zap that thought process first and quick! It doesn't have to be that way. Granted, they make movies like National Lampoons Christmas Vacation for a reason...because everyone has some kind of family drama during the holidays but consider trying to turn that into a part of the charm. I know, I know. Sounds crazy. Totally understandable. BUT if you try to look at it from a humorous perspective you might not only surprise yourself by having more fun, but you might make it contagious for others to do the same and follow that lead at least a little bit. Which would be a huge improvement. And if they don't, well that's on them. Your fun doesn't have to be ruined. I too, have been with my husband for nine years, (five of those years married) and let me tell you, it's no easy task at first to organize things during the holidays but it IS worth it. Taking the time to make your own traditions now, will help you to enjoy all the rest in the long run. DH came from a home where Christmas decorating etc. wasn't too celebrated even though they did the basics, they didn't get all excited about it. My mom was a single mom and did the polar opposite. She had us kids get into cookie batter, read the nutcracker, decorate the tree, and even went so far as to hide our presents at the neighbors house until Christmas Eve to keep the santa story going. I had to get DH into the spirit of Christmas through the years and he is so happy about it now. And any time we get frustrated with family stuff, we tune out for a minute and watch National lampoons Christmas vacation to remind ourselves, we're not alone. If we can't slip out to watch it, we share a little line from the movie and have our own little "traditional" humorous Christmas fun even with an inside joke. Just try not to make it so heavy on yourself, expectations aside, decide you are going to have fun together even if the rest of the gang isn't on board. Start small. When we were dating, we started by going out (like my mom did for my siblings and I as kids) and selecting one special nice Christmas ornament to put on our tree to carry on the tradition each year. His family even developed a Christmas game! They call it Naughty Bingo (sort of like that Santa game where you can steal each others gifts but it ends up really funny with all sorts of cheap little finds and everyone gets a laugh) ...sometimes you don't have to look too far to create your own fun. Just work with what you've got, where you are. Much love.

CitrusLove

p.s. We don't have children either right now. We are an aunt and uncle of several great kids and we enjoy them. But you are a family with or without kids. So don't put any extra pressure on yourselves. Just enjoy each others company! And if you miss the feel of a child, without having children yet...then reach out and donate to a child in need this Christmas. That always feels really good!

LaxWife

This is totally ridiculous.

I am going through a similar thing with my family, however I do have a few people on my "team".

My husband and I both come from “blended” families with step siblings, step-nieces etc and it’s just a big “to-do”.

 

Last year, our Christmas day looked like this:

5:30am – Alarm goes off and we’re up showering, and getting ready for Christmas morning. Normally we would have liked to stay in our PJ’s etc – but when you see the rest of this schedule you’ll see there is no time to shower – ha!

6:30-7 Travel to my Dad’s house, open gifts with siblings/step-siblings, watch the clock the entire time making sure “we’re on schedule”

9:45 – travel to Husband’s Dad’s for a quick hello with siblings/step-siblings

10:30-11am – Travel to my Aunts house to have a Christmas breakfast with my Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents etc

1pm – Travel to Husband’s Moms house for Christmas hang out for a few hours with siblings/step-siblings

3pm – Travel to my Mom’s house to do presents/hang out with siblings/step-siblings

5pm – Dinner, wherever we end up

 

Every year myself, my husband and my siblings just dread Christmas day, just because of how busy it is. So, this year – we, along with my mom, who finds the day to be not enjoyable for her and also knows it’s not enjoyable for all of us, decided to TOTALLY change Christmas.

 

We did a few big things – we decided not to have “Christmas” (by that we mean presents) with my mom on Christmas day. We are going to have our own “Christmas” as we want to be able to spend more time enjoying the family day, then rushing to get it done on regular Christmas day. We also decided to scrap the breakfast with my grandparents and aunts and uncles (and move it to boxing day) but have a more informal “no-obligation” hang out on Christmas dinner/appetizer thing for those that are free at my mom’s house (since she isn’t really doing much that day – it’s just us running around).

And just between my husband and I, we decided to scrap the regular tradition of going to my mom’s best friend’s house for Christmas Eve. We don’t have kids either, and we decided that we needed to start our own Christmas Eve tradition. So, we’re doing just that.

Frankly, I don’t think my grandparents, or cousin’s with less to do were very happy – but at the end of the day – it’s Christmas and you want to be enjoying the day, not watching the clock trying to squish everything in. In my family, we see all the cousins, grandparents, aunts etc every week – so this isn’t like a once a year meet up that we’re ditching.

Christmas is about enjoying time with your family, and your family includes you and your husband. Don’t feel bad about the traditions you are trying to start. It is important that you build some new things for your family.

Luckily, my mom and his mom have been super supportive with this change and are fine moving things around, but I can definitely relate to you from the Dad’s. Both of our Dad’s are ADAMANT that they see us on Christmas day – where I think truthfully we’d rather spend time with the Mom’s – BUT, it’s all about compromise, I guess.

Just don’t forget to stand up for what YOU want this Christmas, and for Christmases to follow.

You can do it!

KayJens

You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for wanting to do your own thing, but I can also understand why your family is upset. Ultimately you're just going to stick to your decision and deal with whatever backlash there may be. Hopefully your family will understand that this is about you starting new traditions, not destroying old ones.

rachieb7788

I'm with you. This year my husband and I said we were traveling to avoid all family. I'm an extreme though :P

It's completely ok do to your own thing. Hey, you were compromising by saying you would come to dinner. As far as gifts go, are they really important? Explain to your family that you rather spend time with them than do gifts. Isn't that what the season is all about?

rachieb7788

BeachBride1216

Take this year off to just celebrate as a couple alone at home.  If that pisses them off further then book a vacation somewhere for just the two of you and ignore their bitching.  We split holidays the last two years and decided that since we've just gotten married (Nov 2) that we're doing Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day alone.  We have plenty of time to establish our own traditions with kids so this year we're spending both days at the local Universal theme park.  Yes, it's being selfish but we need our families to realize that he and I are now our own nuclear family unit with our own life and traditions for the holidays.  We will likely host one or both holidays next year to appease the families.

erollis

This will be our 4th year of our own tradition. Christmas Eve at my Aunts, Christmas morning just us two, and Christmas afternoon/evening at his uncles. Both live in town making it easy to travel.

We used to go to Hs parents for Christmas Eve and my parents for all of Christmas (I have younger siblings). But Hs parents stopped decorating, my siblings got older, and we needed a change. We are much happier this way. I know my mom still misses seeing us but it is what it is. I do know that with what we already have established will make Christmas easier for us. We do miss seeing our parents but even with invitations extended they don't visit.

OtterJ

I am coming from the perspective of the youngest of 3 siblings.  When my oldest sister got married (and I was still in high school), our "normal" Christmases started morphing and changing according to the needs of her, and her new family/in-laws.  I can honestly say, I wasn't thrilled with the changes.  It was difficult to adjust when traditions that I loved were changed, or nixed completely, and I didn't have any say in it, because someone else made their schedule the priority for the whole family. 

In order for my sister's schedule to become the priority when she just got married, I had to make the sacrifice of accepting, and adapting to her needs.  I did, because I love her, and I didn't give her a guilt trip about it, but it still did take a few years to really become comfortable with some of the changes. 

Similarly, remember the feelings of your family, and the sacrifice that you're asking them to make for you.  The sacrifice of changing the schedule, and opening gifts the day before, or the sacrifice of missing your presence during your family's lazy-morning holiday tradition.  Because whether or not you intend for them to, your changes affect them.  Maybe the thing that is hard for your family to accept about it, is that they don't see the value in being able to sleep at home, instead of with them.  Have you explained your reasoning to them?

I don't think you should feel guilty about wanting your own time, and I'm sorry that your family is having difficulty accepting the new changes.  Just be patient with them, and listen to them.  If you're willing, It might not be a bad idea to meet them half way this year, and "ease" them into it.  Maybe spend the night at home, but then go back to your family's house for an hour before heading off to spend time with your husband's family.  It's also possible that tempers will cool, and they'll be ready to accept your changes after they have time to process the new information....hopefully!

I know that sometimes it really is important to put your foot down, and stand your ground, but only you can determine for yourself (that is...you and your husband) if it will really be worth it in this situation. 

I'm glad that you have family that loves you SO MUCH that they LOVE spending time with you!

afox007

If you want to start your own tradition you need to put your foot down. If you don't do it now if you do have kids someday it will be harder to try doing something just the 3 (or more) of you at home. 

I now feel lucky that FI is an only child ad I'm the oldest so the only one's with a kid is us. Actually we got pretty lucky anyways since my family never does anything on Xmas day except "santa' presents; everything else is Xmas eve. Xmas is still a busy two days xmas eve breakfast with biodad/stepmom and siblings, xmas dinner with my mom/daddy and siblings, xmas morning just the three of us presents and breakfast, and xmas dinner at our house with his mom dad and my BFF. 

cpg002

It sounds like you have a wonderful, close family that is set in their ways. DH and I have 3 Christmases to attend and, like you, everyone lives close together. 

It is very considerate that you let your family know of your Christmas plans back in October. Could you and your husband go to your family's house on Christmas and Eve and come back a little later in the morning? 

This is mine and my husband's timeline for Christmas. I hope this might help?

December 24th

7pm dinner with my Aunt, Uncle, Cousins and parents.

11pm Church with my parents and brother

After church we exchange gifts with each other

December 25th

10am breakfast and gifts with my parents and brother

12:30 lunch and gifts with his paternal family (about 20 people)

4pm dinner with his maternal family (about 10 people)

7pm going home and relaxing together.

It's always tough to break well established traditions and create your own. I applaud you for sticking to your guns and I KNOW you and your family will have a blessed Christmas.