Trouble in Paradise
November42
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Marriage trouble... husband just won't help me or himself
I'm having a few problems with my husband. He's never really been one to help around the house much and needs reminding to do simple tasks. He has just had a new video game (he's into games in a BIG way) and for the past week has done nothing but play it from the minute he gets out of work to the minute he goes to bed, stopping to eat his dinner and perhaps empty the dishwasher, after I've reminded him about 4 times. He has lots of food intolerances but loves to eat and it seems he doesn't care if it makes him ill, for example I made myself macaroni cheese for tonight't dinner as I don't like stir-fry which is what I cooked for him, and not only did he eat his dinner but also half of mine despite being allergic to dairy products. Cue the bad stomach/constant need to dash to the toilet. He's also supposed to be losing weight for an operation and despite my efforts to get healthy food in he will still go to the shop and buy a family-size block of chocolate and polish the lot off in one go. I've tried getting him to do sport or choose a hobby to do and we will do it together, but he ends up refusing last minute so I have to go alone.
I just feel like I've reached the end of my tether. I've tried talking to him without nagging or blaming, and he says he takes it on board but then does nothing to change his habits. I've pointed out that x, y, z makes him ill and actually I'm really tired of being kept up at night with his constant getting out of bed as he's getting ill, but he says how do I think he feels. I've said I need a bit more help and it would make a huge difference if he would put his clothes in the basket instead of on the floor, but he doesn't. He keeps telling me he's doing his best but actually he really isn't doing anything at all. I've threatened, I've nagged, I've cajoled, I've tried to motivate, I feel like I have literally tried every trick in the book to get him to realise what he is doing isn't just hurting himself it's hurting me and having an effect on our marriage, but he turns it back on me and says I'm the selfish one and I don't realise how much he does (I know exactly what he does, believe me). If anyone has any tips, please let me know!
Re: Marriage trouble... husband just won't help me or himself
Stop doing everything for him. Leave his laundry on the floor, eventually he will not have any clothes to wear. Stop cooking his dinner. Cook and clean up for yourself. Do not continue to treat him like child he is.
Go to the gym yourself and continue to make improvements to yourself.
I would suggest counceling but I doubt he could drag himself away from the video games.
Click me, click me!
You cannot make him take care of his health. As i said, he is one of these clients who will not listen to what his doc wants him to do. He could develop other problems because he iasn't taking care of his health and I am sure the problems he's got now will worsen.
The only thing I can suggest -- and I mentioned it earlier:
For a third party (that he would listen to) to tell him to take better care of himself.
For housework and other things that need to be done: I suggest making a big TO DO book and in it list the things that need to be done daily, weekly, biweekly and monthly, quarterly and yearly. Once a week, sit down together and decide together who will do what chore and when. Maybe the 2 of you can do the bulk of them together.
He cannot be a slob and expect you to pick up after him. That's not fair and you didn't marry to be somebody's maid and laundress and fumigator.
As for his health: that's for him to take care of. He's a fool if he even thinks of eating something that is poor for his health or endangers him or endangers his health. When your doc says NOT to eat X, Y and Z or indulge in X, Y or Z that will endanger your health, YOU LISTEN!!!!
Acupuncture, meditation and yoga.
A guy I know has Crohn's disease and he swears by acupuncture. He has not had a flare up in years.
Getting enough exercise helps. Try something to do as a couple: ballroom dancing, rollerblading, biking, taking walks together, a coed team of some type, even if it is bowling.
So does having a hobby or indulgence that helps you blow off steam and is something you can use as an outlet. That further contributes to your overall good health and outlook of life in general.
I agree! And for him to then say to you "how do you think I feel?"....well then don't eat dairy!! It's not like he has no control over it. He's acting like a child.
He is a child in a man's body. He clearly needs everything to be done for him. AND he clearly doesn't really care about hiimself very much. If he doesn't care about himself, he sure as heck isn't going to care about you (which is why he turns everything around on you!).
I agree- stop doing things for him and see what happens. If it doesn't kick him into gear to help, then you really KNOW what the rest of your life will be like if you stay w/ him.
And from there- you need to do some soul searching and figure out what you want for yourself, your marriage, and your life.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
From that day on he was the most pious dude walking.
He never listened to his doc's advice -- he'd eat junk and didn't care what it did to his blood sugar. He began lying to his SO about what he was eating; he was all groggy and out of it; she knew something was wrong.
He eventually developed kidney failure and died. He was 56 --- way too young to die.
Dont let your H bully you or intimidate you and do not let him treat you like you are the 24/7 maid service, conciege, laundress and all around cook and bartender.
I agree: let him pick up his own mess and cook his own dinner. If he dares to ask you why come you are doing this, tell him "This is how things are now; this is YOUR ball game."
Let him slog it out. He wants clean clothes, let him put them in the wash and then the dryer and then fold them and put them away. He wants dinner? Let him DIY and serve himself.
Counseling for YOU -- to learn how not to enable this guy, to learn how not to feel sorry for him and to learn how to stick up for yourself -- and also to learn how NOT to be this guy's mother.