Sex & Romance
worriedwife93
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Is my husband bisexual or gay? Found stuff he has posted on online forums
Help everyone! I recently found some posts that my husband has been posting online:
Here is what he posted:
For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it. Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time. I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no. Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her? We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication. I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends? The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE! My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does. I should add that the last 4 times my wife and i have had sex, i cant reach orgasm at all. Thats not good, especially when we are trying to have a baby. I guess I am just afraid to add more stress to her plate. She has a stressful job, there are alot of outside sources of stress and I guess I dont want to be another one of them. I mean, I honestly think she knows somewhat. She makes little jokes all the time..and when we were facebooking about it while i was at work, she told me that unless i want to leave her for a man, then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. I am also afraid that the amount of female friends and family members ive spoken with about it is going to haunt me, as it already has somewhat. Pleaseee help!
I am still seeking advice from female friends, and have actually been to a therapist in regard to the issue. Anyone have any advice? Thanks!
I am still seeking advice from female friends, and have actually been to a therapist in regard to the issue. Anyone have any advice? Thanks!
Re: Is my husband bisexual or gay? Found stuff he has posted on online forums
Is there a more or less public place where you can do it --- just to ensure he doesn't possibly cause a scene --- maybe a park or somewhere else similar?
Or if you are sure he won't blow up or start a fight, do it at home when you and he have nothing to do and you can talk at length.
Show him what you showed us. Maybe he will be relieved that you"found out" on your own.
I suggest in the meanwhile, you see a sex therapist and a regular marriage counselor, on your own -- bounce this topic off them.
You could decide to stay with your H and let him pursue sexual encounters with males and more or less let it be an open marriage.
There is the risk of HIV, AIDS and other STDs, as you know. I don't know how open you are to an open marriage.
Or you could decide to cut your losses and go.
Couples counseling is what I also second. Wishing you luck. (you can't live under a sword of Damocles and you can't be walking on eggs; talk to him)
He is culpable for the "boredom." it takes 2 to tango -- and this also leads me to believe that you both have a snag in communication. You need help in that department.
It is dicey for him to discuss this issue with female friends. He needs to talk TO YOU or to a professional about what he's experiencing!
He also needs sex ed.
Men can orgasm without ejaculating. They are not the same entity -- and is he so certain he is not attaining orgasm/ejaculating? If he is concerned about that problem, he'd see a urologist and a sex therapist.
PSS: DO NOT TTC with him until you are clear about what path your marriage is going to take. Do not bring an infant into this picture while you and he are having a problem.
And this is from APril of last year -- a year and a half ago....why have you let this go on so long???
I recently found out from one of my closest friends that my husband has been having lengthy conversations online with her, and quite a few other women. Apparently he has been asking them if they have ever wondered if he is gay or bisexual. I also recently found out he has asked one of my sisters. Should I be worried? It seems like he has done this alot with mutual female friends..
From what he tells me, he gets alot of gay teasing, especially at work. From his family members, and i have teased him before, but in a very joking way. I discovered he had been looking at the casual encounters ads on craigslist, searching for "bisexual couples". I also found out he has talked to A LOT of females, asking them what they think. The most recent one was my sister, who told him that girls he has talked to came to her, wondering about him..thoughts?
Have a Plan B ready.
Either you will stay with him and accept that side of him (while he explores his sexuality and he's with partners of another sex) and let him have an open marriage or you will decide where to go from there.
Suppose you do get pregnant and a child comes into the picture? Maybe you are not crazy about the idea of a gay father, or a mate that you might eventually divorce, where you child might have 2 dads.
Put yourself first and stay safe.
He can't put your sexual health and overall health at risk. Bear that in mind.
THis news is not great at all and considering how he was feeling "For years" perhaps he never should have married:
I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me.
Bear in mind a lot of gay men marry (and perhaps have kids) as they are making their way out of the closet.
If you are religious or spiritual and you are not embarrassed to speak to your minister, your priest, your rabbi or whatever applies, do speak to that person. I recommend a secular counselor and, like I said, a sex therapist.
You might also want to call PFLAG and see if you can get some resources. Perhaps there is somebody PFLAG can refer you to in the way of a support group for those who are married to spouses who are bi or gay.
Take your time. You need not decide anything at all right now. Wishing you luck.
"Beyond repair" inasmuch as he's already discussing with other women what he needs to discuss with his wife. This is beyond reproach --- he's disclosing a confidence, more or less. Yoo should have been pretty pissed he did this and you need to tell him to stop.
This falls into the category of inappropriate communication. He had no business discussing this with anybody but you and a therapist.
And no, porn had nothing at all to do with the fact a person is gay or bi. it's said that you already know what sexual orientation you are at about age 8. Kids know when they are different than other kids.
Born that way, not made that way, by any external factor. Song from a musical or not, "I am what I am" is where it's at.
He is what he is and he's known what he was very early on in life but didn't come to terms with it until years later.
There are lots of straight guys who have some effeminism. And if he's had more than a just every once in awhile problem with performing, he needed to see a doctor and a urologist -- and if they both came up with nothing, then it's a psychological factor -- a sex therapist would have been next to see.
There are a slew of issues here: this guy needs to learn how to be a team with his wife --- he can't go and disclose confidential information to other people (he did that by virtue of the fact he didn't discuss the issue with his wife) and he's reluctant to be open with her, period.
As I said, you need to sit down and talk to him about what you found. See a therapist and a sex therapist on your own before you do; go as many times as you think is necessary -- and then talk to him.
Put yourself first. And hold up on TTC; stop doing it, as I said. You have a crisis in your marriage and you have to attend to it.
If he married you while he was struggling with a sexual orientation issue, that's dishonest and wrong of him. He should have gone nowhere into the marriage zone until his orientation issue was resolved and he could more or less be a full time husband to you.
I ABOSLUTELY AGREE!! My estranged husband is going through the same thing as your husband, the only thing is mine actually acted out those fantasies twice.. And I personally am having a hard time dealing with it because he never put my feelings first, like yours seems to be doing. Kudos to him for actually taking YOU into consideration. My H actually knows hes BI atleast, and is having difficulties figuring out if he is completely gay or not.. He wont openly discuss it with me, nor will he attempt to ask my position on it.
Take heed, and go see a marriage counselor. They will be able to help THE BOTH OF YOU walk this path together. It doesnt sound like your H is the type to act on his fantasies, but I would do this before he gets that sudden urge to.
AND he is putting you at risk for STDs. You have no reassurance he has not been intimate with men and if he has, you have no promise he used protection...and what's more, he's committed adultery, if he was intimate with a guy he met!
AND he was intimate with somebody else he had an affair with!
What do you need him for?
Ask yourself that.
I vote that she take what she found, print it out (screenshot it also) and show it to him --- and also show him the door -- if she is that uncomfortable about what she read. This is going to hang over her head like a Sword of Damocles otherwise. What's the sense in staying silent about it at this point?
I do not know her H's age. If he is young 20s it very well could be he might be in the experimental stage. It is hard to tell.
Open marriages don't work. You are going to need to have a serious talk with him AND a counselor. This is not something that can be dealt with alone. And he does need to see a doctor if he is unable to ejaculate. He could have a health condition. That coupled with his curiosities may make him think he's gay even though he's just confusing one as causing the other. There could also be issues in the marriage you aren't addressing. There's more to this story. We don't need all the information, but the therapist you pick will need to know and so will your husband. You both deserve to have the whole truth.
Good luck.
The damage to this relationship isn't pornography...not sure what else I was supposed to construe from your post.
I personally wouldn't count on a marital future with a guy who *suspects* he is homosexual or bi.;
Hypotherically, if my partner woke up one day and decided she liked watching women have sex but didn't want to participate, I'd rather she achieved that gratification from "porn", than for me to make a song and dance about it, turning it into something she felt she had to hide and watch as it manifested itself into an obsessive taboo. Which could well lead to her wanting to try it with another women.
What seems to destroy marriages is lack of honest and since communications between both partners. And, ground rules that no matter what is said, it will not be used against the other. Doing so forces people to hide their true feelings etc etc and the outcome of that, is never positive
Added: Ya know the people who are truly happy, content with their marriage or life partner, seem to have the knack for respecting each other and also the understanding an security that while they have committed to each other, they still remain two unique souls.
They say gay fantasies for males are common. They are also common for women, from what I have heard.
And maybe he is still in the experimental stage.
She needs to ask.
She needs to tell him what she has found, and ask him why he's interested in pursuing that topic on line.
And if he does not give an immediate "no" as a reply, she needs to decide whether to show him the door or stay married to him.