Who's being the ass...Me, or my DH?

putitoncredit

Background: I'm not good with money, never have been. That being said, I am the one in charge of our bills because with dh's work schedule, its not really feasible for him to do it till now. Dh and I have been married for 7 years, money has always been an issue that reared its ugly head now and then, but it's not a constant fight. Debt wise, by choice we expect to be debt free minus our mortgage (which is being paid down nicely) in 5 years and are by no means in

"rough" shape. 

Issue in a nutshell: 

My dh hates it when I forget to pay a bill or over spend. This past week through my own incredible stupidity I did both, sending us into overdraft. My dh got an nsf this morning when he was trying to get gas and I felt awful. We got into a fight, I was very apologetic, and he said that he was going to take over the bills from now on. We have reservations to go away this weekend for my birthday/our anniversary, first time in a year without our son. He wants to cancel, because he says we no longer have the money to go due to my error. I am saying yes I screwed up, but we have back up money we can use to cover the weekend and I see cancelling as an overreaction. His position now is "do what you think is best for us" which I feel more of a game then anything, and we don't normally play games.

So here is the question: Should I cancel the weekend, knowing we don't have the money we had earmarked or should I play with fire and keep the reservations knowing we desperately need this time away? 

doeydo

I would cancel the weekend because you are in debt as it is and just overspent and received and NSF.  Also, I really think your H needs to get involved in paying the bills and managing money.  If you really want time away as a couple without your son, have a family member or a babysitter take care of him for a night or two.  You could stay in or go on more affordable "dates".

putitoncredit

Thanks! I should have included that the money we would use isn't more debt. Its just other cash we have that we don't normally use, and it would be replaced within the week. 

Joy2611

I'm actually a bit confused.  How much is the overdraft fee?  Did you spend all the money you needed for a weekend away by overspending and forget that the bill needed to be paid?  Did you bounce the check for the bill that you didn't pay?  How much money were you going to have after this weekend away?  Something doesn't add up here.

More worrisome, however, is that your bank account seems to constantly be at the bottom of the barrel.  I agree with the previous poster - perhaps you need to be doing more affordable stuff.

kss20

I don't know your money situation from this short story, but I would say that if your husband seems uncomfortable spending the money for a weekend away, he'll probably be stressed about it the whole time and you wouldn't have that much fun, anyway.

putitoncredit

Sorry, I was trying to keep it simple. There is no overdraft fee, we have no fee banking. We had Thanksgiving last weekend and costs were more then expected, and I forgot a bill comes in via direct withdrawal at this time of year that we don't normally have so it went into overdraft. No check was bounced. The account is used for bills, gas, etc.  We keep the rest of our money in separate accounts, he was still able to purchase what he needed. The extra bill just blew out our weekly budget, we still have the money for the weekend. 

cutiepie0104

I would cancel the weekend and do something more simple, it sounds like neither of you are in the right place to really enjoy time away.

Advice for the Money issue become more involved together with the bills get a calendar that goes on the wall and write the bills due dates on it so you see it daily. I personally never had a ledger or kept track of my spending until I met my Husband and that is what has worked for us. We also set updates on out phones to alert us two day before the Bill is due. 

Hope you work things out.

Joy2611

putitoncredit said:

He wants to cancel, because he says we no longer have the money to go due to my error.

Okay.  What was the error?  Spending more money on Thanksgiving AND forgetting that this bill was coming?

If that's the case, then he is totally right.  You don't have the money to go away because you forgot about how large this bill is.

If you planned to have money for both this bill and your vacation, then I'm confused where the error is.  Sorry!  Just trying to get it.

magsugar13

I am also confused.

If you had the money to pay the bills and the money to go away AND you said there were no fees why do you have less money?

 

Sillygirl45

I didn't think anyone is being an ass. 

Your H is tired of worrying that you can't handle money (per your explanation that you are bad with it) and he probably wants you to make a logical choice for once and cancel the weekend trip. 

If you're 5 years out from paying off debt other than your house, you don't really have any "extra" money. If you spent the money you had allotted for a getaway on something else, you don't go. That's the right thing to do. He probably wants to see of you can come to that conclusion on your own. 

vlagrl29

I'd be with your DH.  I'm in charge of all of our accounts and bills and I know if I left it to him we would be in trouble, that's why I do it.  Sounds like your DH is at that point.  Maybe you guys should keep extra money in this account just in case it were to happen again.  I don't like being tight with no wiggle room in bank accounts.

Leftie22

I wouldn't go on the weekend trip either, because you can't really afford it. I handle the bills in our family and hate that I can't trust my DH to pay any bills or remember when we need to transfer money from one account to another. If you really can't handle doing this stuff reliably, you and your DH should come to an agreement that he'll take over the finances. I get why he's mad, but he should also take some responsibility and not expect you to suddenly become good with money. I wish my DH would handle the finances, but I know he wouldn't, so I do it. Maybe your DH needs to do the same. In the meantime, show him you can be responsible by not taking a trip he feels you can't afford.

TarponMonoxide

putitoncredit said:

Background: I'm not good with money, never have been. That being said, I am the one in charge of our bills because with dh's work schedule, its not really feasible for him to do it till now. Dh and I have been married for 7 years, money has always been an issue that reared its ugly head now and then, but it's not a constant fight. Debt wise, by choice we expect to be debt free minus our mortgage (which is being paid down nicely) in 5 years and are by no means in

"rough" shape. 

Issue in a nutshell: 

My dh hates it when I forget to pay a bill or over spend. This past week through my own incredible stupidity I did both, sending us into overdraft. My dh got an nsf this morning when he was trying to get gas and I felt awful. We got into a fight, I was very apologetic, and he said that he was going to take over the bills from now on. We have reservations to go away this weekend for my birthday/our anniversary, first time in a year without our son. He wants to cancel, because he says we no longer have the money to go due to my error. I am saying yes I screwed up, but we have back up money we can use to cover the weekend and I see cancelling as an overreaction. His position now is "do what you think is best for us" which I feel more of a game then anything, and we don't normally play games.

So here is the question: Should I cancel the weekend, knowing we don't have the money we had earmarked or should I play with fire and keep the reservations knowing we desperately need this time away? 

For love of mike, get yourself a financial counselor.

If there is some type of adult school nearby you that offers a "your money and you" class, by all means take it.

Go to your library and have a look at the periodicals that are dedicated to money and saving -- there's Money magazine and a few others.  Subscribe to one or more; be frequent visitors of the magazine's website. Learn the whys and wherefores of money and investing and spending and saving. YOu'll be ahead of hte game.

You and your H need to learn how to communicate minus the rancor.

the 2 of you also need to be deciding together how to spend and save money and you need to sit down once a week and go over bills and who is owed what. Discuss who will be paid that week, or next week.

The crazy fighting must go; you're not a wayward kiddo and he is NOT your dad.

Also sometrhing that must go:  your money-challenged ways and money-challenged ideas -- take my advice about the financial counselor and the classes and magazines. You'll be glad you did.

jtmh2012

putitoncredit said:

My dh hates it when I forget to pay a bill or over spend. This past week through my own incredible stupidity I did both, sending us into overdraft. My dh got an nsf this morning when he was trying to get gas and I felt awful. We got into a fight, I was very apologetic, and he said that he was going to take over the bills from now on. We have reservations to go away this weekend for my birthday/our anniversary, first time in a year without our son. He wants to cancel, because he says we no longer have the money to go due to my error. I am saying yes I screwed up, but we have back up money we can use to cover the weekend and I see cancelling as an overreaction.

If you're in debt, you don't have money.  You need to use this money that you "have" and pay off the debt.  People that have money don't get NSFs....

Janessadawn

jtmh2012 said:

If you're in debt, you don't have money.  You need to use this money that you "have" and pay off the debt.  People that have money don't get NSFs....

Wrong. If I'm understanding correctly, they have money, it's just partitioned into a different account. I get it; we do this too. And people in debt don't have money? What?? A more accurate statement would be "people who are defaulting on their debt don't have money," but as long as you're responsibly repaying your debt, obviously you have money. How else would you repay it? What, should they only eat ramen and watch free TV until they're totally debt-free?

As far as what to do--I say keep the reservations. You haven't had time to yourselves in a year, so you definitely need the time together.

arhayden1

I think you should cancel. The extra money you have is your emergency fund and should not be used on a pleasure vacay. You knew this weekend was coming and chose to still over spend. You dug your own grave for you b-day anniversary trip. Start tracking your spending "not being good with money" Is no excuse to keep doing what you do

Xstatic3333

I don't think your husband is wrong to be frustrated; H has overdrawn his personal checking account a few times (we only keep the spending money we need for the week in checking accounts), and I get frustrated, too. It is almost always caused by automatic payments. I would not do these unless you consistently keep a big buffer in your checking accounts.

I don't agree that you need to stop all travel until your debts are paid (depending in the type of debt) as long as you are making good payments and have plenty going to your savings and retirement. You do need to be on the same page about it, though, and for that reason I'd cancel this particular trip.

Definitely get educated about finances going forward; it's important!

CowgirlK39

I agree with a lot of what's been said but I just wanted to give a few tips. First, ditch the auto payment. That's a great way to "set it and forget it" and then accidentally over spend. Without auto payment, you have to make a conscious effort to remember bills and watch your budget. Also, you then have the flexibility to pay it early if you have the extra money the week before or whatever. Also, I cannot believe your DH is too busy working to handle the bills. I work way more than my husband and I still do all the banking, mostly thanks to online banking. All our bills except two (one being rent) are paid online. This way I can monitor it and get stuff paid when it needs to be. My DH cashed his check, allows himself enough money for gas and stuff for the week and then gives me the rest to put in the account. Talk to our DH about how the two of you could work together to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Oh, and I would cancel the weekend. It's not going to be any fun if he is thinking "how are we going to pay the bills after this" the whole time.