Trouble in Paradise
Beeswax32
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Scared of H
H and I got married last July. He has an extreme case of ADHD which is under control through strong medication. I've known of since we became friends nine years ago. Anyways, about a month before the wedding his doctor changed the supplier for his meds and it was devastating. We thought he was just getting used to the different medication but he became easily angered and depressed. The week leading up to the wedding he'd call the wedding off in the morning and be saying he was so sorry and wanted to marry me the very minute in the evening. It was really upsetting! Despite this we got married and had a perfect wedding. It started to go down hill again the next day. The whole honeymoon he went back and forth on if we should have got married or not. I cried a lot.
Fast forward to September, he's now daily yelling at me for things like leaving the bath room light on. Then he started to throw things at me. He'd throw shoes and coffee cups. They always missed me but it shook me up so bad that I left to visit my parents. I only told my dad what was going on. H had moments of clarity during all this where he'd seem to wake up and realize what he was doing and start crying and apologizing saying he didn't know what had come over him. During these rare times he started tying to find a doctor that had the medication he used to be on. While I was gone he researched and finally found a doctor that hadn't switched over to the cheap crap. Also while I was gone he would talk to me a lot about how I deserved better, how sorry he was, and how he'd never be able to forgive himself. After two weeks I came back and for a few days it was okay. Then all hell broke loose! He was in less control of his anger then before. I got on his computer to print something and he hit me in the shoulder, knocking me out of the chair, saying to stay away from his stuff. I started to lock my bedroom (he'd started sleeping in the guest room) doors at night.
Fast forward again to today, he's been on the right medication (hallelujah!) for just under two weeks now and he's back to the man he was before; kind, caring, and gentle. He is still upset and depressed about what all happened. But the worst thing is I'm still afraid of him. I find myself cowering away from him when he tries to give me a kiss; and forget about being intimate. Sometimes I'll even wake up at night feeling like I should pack all my things in a suitcase and run.
I don't know what to do. I still love him but it's like there's a wall there! Should we go to counseling? Will I ever be back to normal again?
Fast forward to September, he's now daily yelling at me for things like leaving the bath room light on. Then he started to throw things at me. He'd throw shoes and coffee cups. They always missed me but it shook me up so bad that I left to visit my parents. I only told my dad what was going on. H had moments of clarity during all this where he'd seem to wake up and realize what he was doing and start crying and apologizing saying he didn't know what had come over him. During these rare times he started tying to find a doctor that had the medication he used to be on. While I was gone he researched and finally found a doctor that hadn't switched over to the cheap crap. Also while I was gone he would talk to me a lot about how I deserved better, how sorry he was, and how he'd never be able to forgive himself. After two weeks I came back and for a few days it was okay. Then all hell broke loose! He was in less control of his anger then before. I got on his computer to print something and he hit me in the shoulder, knocking me out of the chair, saying to stay away from his stuff. I started to lock my bedroom (he'd started sleeping in the guest room) doors at night.
Fast forward again to today, he's been on the right medication (hallelujah!) for just under two weeks now and he's back to the man he was before; kind, caring, and gentle. He is still upset and depressed about what all happened. But the worst thing is I'm still afraid of him. I find myself cowering away from him when he tries to give me a kiss; and forget about being intimate. Sometimes I'll even wake up at night feeling like I should pack all my things in a suitcase and run.
I don't know what to do. I still love him but it's like there's a wall there! Should we go to counseling? Will I ever be back to normal again?
Re: Scared of H
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I don't blame you. I'd be frightened too. I really have to give you props for not leaving him.. Most people would, but you decided to stay by him thru this. Medication can really screw a person up. I know this from experience and can I say, thank god my H stays by my side. I too got very angry, very depressed, we would fight, I would say horrible mean things, also threw things. I didn't really know what I was doing. After I felt horrible. Like who the heck am I!!!??? I finally went to the doctor and forced him to take me off this medication and he switched me to another one. It took me a while to get back to things, but o my it was not easy for my H. He was ready to call it quits!!!
I am happy to hear he is back to normal, and I would suggest he talks with his doctor about this. And suggest counseling. You have every right to be scared, totally normal. If you decide to stay, which I feel you will, you need to know that it will take you plenty of time to feel safe with him again. As long as he understands how you feel about all of this I think you should be okay. He really needs to understand that you will take time to trust him again. He needs to be patient with your feelings! Make sure he pays attention to his medication and if he starts, even a little bit, to feel angry like that again to go for a run or get away from you. Definitely make sure he keeps up with his doctor!!!!
As others have said, counseling is definitely necessary here. If you do decide to stay together, I think you will need to formulate a game plan should things ever begin to go downhill again. In this situation, he probably should have been admitted to an inpatient psychiatric facility. Had he been, you wouldn't have been put through hell, and he'd most likely have been stabilized much sooner. You will both need to agree (perhaps with the assistance of a mental health professional) on the immediate actions that would be taken if ever he were to lose his grasp on reality (because that's what it sounds like happened, in a sense). Then, you will have to be strong and proactive enough to put that plan into action.
Even if you do choose to leave, please seek counseling for yourself. It will help you process and heal from what you've gone through and enable you to live a full, happy life going forward. I'm not saying that's what I think you should do--only you can decide that--only that if you do leave, it will not completely solve everything.
@tiffanysbride He has a fallow up every month where and the doctor then renews his prescription; like I said, it's strong stuff. The doctor we where with said that it could take up to six months for him to get used to the new (crapy) meds. He's been on the good medication for fifteen plus years before this new cheaper drug came on the market. Most of the mental health doctors in our area switched over to it. We don't have a backup plan yet but we should get one.
@Janessadawn He might be willing to be tested to see if something else is going on as well. You're probably right about having him admitted but the thought of it makes me sick for some reason.
I'll have to look up some counselors tonight. I just feel so... broken.
You have been an awesome strong wife! I know he really appreciates that. You love someone, you took those vows, thru sickness and health, and he needs you.
Things will start looking up, just keep being that awesome supportive wife you have been, and I bet he starts feeling better too. Best of luck with everything, but also, remember that you need to take care of yourself too. xxoo
And for yourself, alone, also.
Nip this in the bud before it turns into a bigger case of PTSD. Sounds like that's the experience you are having. GL.
When he disregards his meds, he does odd things: cancel their daughter's school tuition, cancel the cell phones for the kids, told their mutual friends that he and she were reuniting and remarrying.
He also got into a sticky situation where she had cops at her house.
She walks on eggs with him, too. It's a day to day thing with anybody who has a chronic illness, as you can see, and if there is a medication issue, the walking on eggs is all the more so.
I was thinking the same thing. This sounds more like bipolar behavior to me. If your DH is bipolar, some of his "manic" phase behaviors could look like ADHD. (Inability to focus, impulsive behavior, irritability). But I've never heard of someone being violent because of ADHD. There are many bipolar people in my family, and this behavior sounds very familiar to me. I think it might be worth looking into, so you at least know for sure what you're dealing with.
Not long after that, he was diagnosed as being bipolar.
He needs to be reevaluated, as I said --- something else is in the mix here.
Maybe he's even having some type of drug interaction, or had one, and that accounted for why he got violent.
Don't take any chances; he needs to be reevaluated, and possibly rediagnosed. GL.
Here is my concern: There are a lot of knock-off pharmaceuticals being sold on the market right now that are named the same and look the same, but are not the same ingredients. It concerns me that the doctor "switched suppliers." It sounds like your H had a reaction to the drugs and it's possible when the doc switched suppliers he wasn't getting what he thought he was getting for his patients.
Why is your H getting drugs from a doc (and not a pharmacy) anyway? If he gets them from a pharmacy, via written prescription, he should not have had this issue. Pharmacies only order medications from reputable sources.
Is this doc ordering meds online?