low on his priority list.

YOUNGS19

We've been married three months, and in this time we've purchased a new house and my husband has started his second year of his MBA program.  I am having a very hard time dealing with the fact that we see each other approximately 10 hours a week, this isn't including sleeping time (which he includes as time spent w me).  He works full time during the week, then after work is either working on projects for school or studying, or making time with friends.  Then every other weekend he has school Friday evening & Saturday day. We dated for five years prior to the first year or his MBA program in which I was busy planning our wedding alone, and now I feel like I am doing all our home ownership projects alone, and quite frankly feel like I am not even in a relationship.  Whenever I bring up to him that I would like to see him more or feel like I am low on his priority list he gets defensive and tells me I am not supportive and he is doing the best he can he works full time, he has to finish school, he has this etc. etc. Which often leads to mega blowouts.  And now his MBA program is hosting a career fair where he is interviewing for a rotational job that requires him to move every 6 months for two years to different parts of the country.  We just bought a house and I have a job here that I love. Any advice?  I am to the point where I am not even sure what the purpose of getting married was, just very frustrated.

ReturnOfKuus

You've only been together either five months or eight months total? 

YOUNGS19

years, sorry that did read confusing.

YOUNGS19

JemmaWRX

School and work are (and should) be a priority. What's the alternative? Quit school? Take fewer classes to make time for you, thus extending the process as a whole. It sucks not being able to spend as much time together but you need to cherish that time and make the best of it. Not fight about it because it's not enough.

You mention he's making time for friends. How often? Does he spend more free time with friends than with you? He should be given the freedom to maintain those relationships. But if you it's excessive, that his buddies are more of a priority, that's a legitimate heartburn. Be reasonable. If he has 2 "free days" a week ask for one for you, one for friends.

Regarding the potential to move, did you know this was a possibility going into marriage?

I know it sucks for you, but you should try to be a bit more supportive. He's working toward something that's important to him and likely important to your (collective) future.

Leftie22

You must have known he was going to be busy in school, because you married him while he was in his MBA program, right? I don't think it's fair to now be upset at him for spending time at work and school. It's not like he's off at the lake or in the bar, he's working and studying. I'm sure it's hard work for him too, and I understand why he wouldn't feel supported if you were complaining about it. You don't want him to fail, right? And if you didn't want to do things around the house by yourself, maybe you should have waited until he was done school to get married? I don't mean to be harsh, but it seems like your DH is in a no-win situation. As for the move, talk about what that would mean for your relationship and what he thinks you would do with the house and your job. Maybe he isn't really considering that position, or maybe you could do long distance for a bit while he's getting established. Talk it over and try to be flexible. It's admirable that he has ambition and is a hard worker!!

Janessadawn

What the PPs have said aside...

It sounds like this is a job he's choosing to pursue, not one that is required by his program. He has a new wife and has just purchased a home--what the hell is he thinking?! When you have put down roots and have a partner, you don't get to just up and leave for 2 years by choice, unless you have a plan for your home and your partner is on board. I have friends who've gone through MBA programs and they didn't have to turn into nomads to do so.

I can understand your feelings when it comes to his lack of time for you, but if he's making your time spent together count then you're just going to have to grit your teeth and bear it, because it sounds like the long-term gains will outweigh the short-term unpleasantness. But leaving for 2 years is something else entirely. You two need to have a serious discussion about expectations during that time frame and possible alternatives, unless you change your mind and decide you want to go with him. Frankly, I think if he leaves you in the dust to pursue his career, he is selfish and doesn't know what it means to be a partner.

Sillygirl45

Well, first of all, he is busy with work and school. You married him knowing this. You shouldn't make him feel guilty for that. 

That said, he shouldn't be making more time for friends than you. If he is truly putting friend time before time with you, you need to have a talk with him about priorities and why he is doing that. Is he doing anything with friends where you could tag along? Is he needing some time to blow off steam? You can't expect him to spend every minute working, at school, and at home. He probably needs a little time to himself. This is where you two need to find a compromise.

The job moving every six months is where I feel he is just wrong. Unless he has discussed it with you and both of you are on board. That is a tough thing to do for a single person much less a married person. You really need to have a talk with him about what he is looking for and what expectations would be. 

While it is admirable that he is looking toward the future and trying to build his career, he should not be leaving you in the dust. You need to be able to talk through these things. If he won't do that, you have bigger issues. If he is willing to talk and come to a long term plan, you have a great motivated guy.

R.Wilsonny

Honestly - I think it's great that OP's hubby is going back to school but at the same time, if he's using the little bit if free time he has to only spend with friends, that's not right or fair. This guy got married and okay, he still has the right to see friends, but what about his wife? It seems to me like he's neglecting their relationship more than anything. School and work are one thing, but these 2 just bought a house and here this guy is, not even stepping up to help with things they need to do in the house, but spending all of his time with everything else BUT his wife and their home. Not to mention is thinking to take a job that will affect not only him, but his wife too. That's selfish on his part to even consider that without considering how his wife feels. Sure, his wife should be supportive, but what about her? This seems to be all about him and less about the partnership he has with her.

My H has outside things he does too that take up his time, but he ALWAYS makes time to spend with me to nurture our relationship. I support my H in all that he does, but if he was neglecting the relationship, then I wouldn't be here with him. Any big life changing decisions that affect both of us, we talk about, not just say we're doing it and tough shit on the other person. I would be pretty pissed if my H took a job that would uproot us without really discussing it with me.

deannagirly

His career is something he needs to accomplish. I'm sure he's not trying to ignore you, he's just trying to ensure you have a stable future together. Don't be too harsh on him about it. I'm in the military, and my FI is going to school in a different state. We have a long distance relationship, and although it can be tough at times, we both know that our careers are important and we need to accomplish those first because that is what will help give us a solid foundation in our marriage down the road.

 

Do you know the number one thing couples fight about? Money. So make sure you have plenty of it! Money matters cause stress. The stress right now will be worth not having the stress later.

annie&brianm

This is a very difficult situation to be in.  I know how it feels to have distance, and distance only creates more fights.  My advice is to just be thankful for the time you do have for now.  When you are finally together you don't want to ruin it because you're fighting.  The more happy he is at home, the more he will try harder to be home! It is fun to miss eachother. Just think of it has more time to yourself.

NaturalBeauty

I'd be upset too, but at least it is a good reason.  He is bettering himself and it will help you both in the long run.  Short term pain = long term gain.  I would have a problem with him spending his extra time with friends though.  I feel since your time together is limited to begin with, his friends should not be a priority at this point.  You should be.

VOR

I'm kind of curious as to how old you are.

The school thing - you need to let that go.  Going for his MBA will be a huge boost for him in the future. You KNEW this about him.  It wasn't a surprise.  Back off on the time that school takes in his life.

The friend thing- how much time does he spend w/ them?  Be honest about this.  Is most of his free time w/ them (Iike if he has 4 free nights- they get 3 and you get 1?), or is it w/ you?  This is important.  If you want ALL his free time, that's not fair.  But if you want just at least, oh, 50% and you're getting 25% - I better understand where you're coming from.

But you need to answer these questions for us to further help you.

The thing that stood out the most and truly is an ISSUE is the job thing.  Is he doing this w/o talking to you at all?  It sounds like it!  If so- HUGE issue, and yes, I understand your feeling of "why did we get married".  He ABSOLUTELY has to take your desires and wishes into account here too.  He's not up to him to unilaterally make decisions that will have a HUGE impact on your life. 

This borders on "dealbreaker" for me.