What do you do at night?

calico77

So--hubs and I have been married 9 years, have a 6 and 3 year old. We have been struggling lately and counseling is helping. He owns his own company and I am a hybrid stay at home/work at home mom. I work for him doing hr and accounting. My hours vary and I work when I can get time especially since 3 year old is in half day preschool 3 days a week. I often work at night and if I'm not working, I am doing laundry or cleaning something or balancing the checkbook---most of the home maintenance and children responsibilities (homework, transportation, meals, etc) are mine. He does clean up from dinner, bathe the kids and put them to bed. The chore distribution is an entirely different sore spot that I won't get into.


Nightly after the kids go to bed, usually around 8-830, he gets in his "box" and is in his own little world--in bed, iPad, TV. He says that is his "decompression" time. Well, that doesn't leave any time for me/us. We try to do a date night at least once a month but it's not enough to feel connected at all. We have hired someone part time in the company that will start in a week that will begin to help relieve some of my duties hopefully freeing up my work duties in the evenings.

My question is, what do we do? I don't normally have time to watch tv and I don't enjoy sitting in bed watching him watch tv/play iPad. TV is just not on my radar.

Going out is not an option. By that time, we both are too tired. He doesn't really want to watch/rent movies. He has no interest in board games. My sex drive is much higher than his so that happens sometimes but not enough in my opinion. When it does happen, there is minimal intimacy.

What the hell do married people do after the kids go to bed???!

Leftie22

Wow, I was going to ask the same question!! I'm a SAHM, and my DS goes to bed at 8. I find that my DH either just collapses and watches TV shows that I don't want to watch, or he's in the garage, monkeying around with his tools or the cars. I don't like TV in general, and didn't have cable before we met. I used to putter around and read in use evening, but DH hates reading. I would watch some TV, but the shows he watches are all high tension, violent, creepy shows that make me anxious or upset. I find I can't sleep after watching that stuff, or even hearing it while I'm reading. So I guess I'm not much help, but I just wanted to thank you for posting this and tell you you're not alone! We do try to do fun stuff outside the house on the weekends, as a family, but one-on-one time is hard to find.

spikeinc

Usually after DD goes down at night, we meet in the kitchen and sit for about an hour and talk to each other sometimes with a nice glass of wine. We both do our own things when we hit bed but we try to get that little alone time first.

doeydo

IMO, you are doing more than he is (kid-wise, chore-wise, etc.) and yet he is the one getting "decompression time".  Made me think of the episode that Spongebob and Patrick adopted a clam...


Anyhow, I think you and your H could schedule "date-nights" that you two do something romantic and get away from the kids.  The kids could either go for sleepovers at friends' houses or you could hire a sitter.  But nightly, I think it would be nice, once the kids are in bed, to take a break and just talk to each other or watch a movie or TV show together (cuddling or holding hands) or something.

bosslady13

I was actually just thinking of posting nearly the exact same thing. We just got married this past summer and started full-time jobs. No kids yet (just 2 dogs which are kind of like our kids) and so far the household tasks have been fairly evenly split. But...we are running into the same issue where every evening is spent sitting on the couch in front of the TV. I have also never been much of a TV person (only 2 shows I like to watch on a weekly basis) so this is not really my cup of tea...and most nights, because I'm not interested in what's on TV, I end up falling asleep on the couch (which my husband complains about). I'm struggling between actually spending time with my husband for a few hours each night during the week, and going off and doing my own thing (reading, working out, etc.) away from him to avoid the TV. Any suggestions from those of you who have dealt with similar things would be much appreciated!

anssett

Do you have hobbies? Sometimes we do veg and watch TV/movies. Sometimes one or both of us goes out and does things we enjoy! He's been doing a lot of SCUBA lately. I like dancing. We both like plants/trees/bonsai. 

Sometimes we spend time together at home reading, playing board games, talking, playing video games together, etc. Maybe things will change with kids, but I have a hard time imagining us ever struggling to find something to do together.

Sillygirl45

Glad I'm not alone. This is so funny, I was complaining about this all week! My SIL and co worker have the same issue too (that's who I was complaining to).

H is up at 6 and home at 6 all week. I work during the week too and every other weekend. I used to work 3- 12 hour shifts in a row, so I get being exhausted and feeling like doing nothing but I'm so bored!  We have a great time on our days off together. It's the during the week that's tough. 

Since you have kids, I would suggest planning a "date night" every week after the kids go to bed. Have a glass of wine, (or a beer you wanted to try, or a cup of tea, whatever you like...) get into a show if he doesn't like movies or alternate who picks the movie, play a game, whatever you can come up with to spend a couple hours just the two of you. You could make a special dessert, cuddle up and enjoy. It may lead to working on that intimacy  

Have a talk with him and suggest it. If he starts being dismissive, tell him it's one darn night a week and it's important to you. He may actually start to look forward to it.

nyc artist

I am so glad to see this post as well! My DH works as a retail manager and his shifts can be awful. We just went through a 3 week period where he had to work from 3pm to 1am, and didn't get home until about 2-2:30 am. I ended up getting kind of depressed (I began to feel like I lived by myself, and was getting super lonely).  We had a talk about how it's really important to do stuff to let each other know that we are thinking of one another, especially if we literally can't SEE each other for days. I'm fast asleep when he gets home, and he's asleep when I leave for work. We talk on the phone a few times a day, but I mentioned stuff like leaving cute little notes for one another to come home to, or food for one another.

Now that he's on an earlier shift, we have some more time, and we really do try to make the most of it. Even if it's just watching some TV together and eating dinner together. We always talk for at least a half hour (on the days I see him in person), about how our days were, and anything else going on like family/friend/work gossip. lol. 

Sexually though, this has been REALLY hard on us. As I said, we haven't seen much of each other, and now that he's on the early shift, it's an adjustment for his body. So he's still pretty tired. I'm hoping in a few more days he'll be adjusted, and we can get down to business! haha. I'm just trying really hard to be patient.  I do see that he tries though. After we had a talk (in which I was crying and complaining) he's really stepped up with the affection...hugging me more and surprised me with little stuff, like chocolate, and some extra chores. I think as long as he shows me he's willing to try, I can have more patience with his crazy schedule. 

tiffanysbride

After DS goes to bed I usually read and take a bath, DH plays guitar or watches the news. Then we watch TV or a movie, play a board game, cards, talk or have sex. I think it is important to have time to unwind if possible before we hang out together, esp for me as I am a SAHM and more of an introvert. I am seriously sick of being touched by 3 pm so by 8 I could not handle touching DH if I didn't have time alone! We probably do things together 4 nights a week and the others we do things separately, like right now during the World Series. 

Kimbus22

Two nights a week we talk and catch up on tv together.  The other 5 I nap before work and he does god knows what.  Probably plays video games.

iverske9

We will watch TV, and basically just chat. Right now he is watching The ultimate fighter so I am cruising the nest and the bump, but we make comments together and just had a hard laugh about something that happened at work. Some nights we actually watch a movie together, have some sex, but overall during the week we both decompress and just chat. Some nights I go early.

I think you are putting a lot of emphasis on what you think "you should be doing something" when my husband and I were just dating before marriage and kids we really just hung out too, and just talked. Sometimes it was serious, deep talks, some nights just bullshit.

I think the best thing is we both have friends and hobbys besides each other too, so he has stories and things to tell me and vice versa.

Keep going on date nights, go out and do things separate and just talk.

ZeroOrchestra

It depends. Some nights we sit together and have some wine and talk. Some nights we will watch a show we both agree on, usually we watch a series at a time which makes it easier. Most nights, we do our own things, each either watching netflix or on the internet, or maybe cooking, but we still talk or joke around while doing those things. H likes basketball a lot so if there is a game on, I use that opportunity to catch up on a show I know he has no interest in.

Leftie22

I think my main problem is that my DH is like a zombie when the TV is on. Seriously, I've never seen anyone like that. So watching TV "together" is super boring because he literally can't hear me if I talk or joke around, and he is that absorbed in anything on TV. When he watches Thomas the tank engine with my son it's like they're watching a crazy suspenseful drama. He can't look away and he can't talk through shows. So it's really boring and doesn't feel like time together. Apparently his brother is the exact same way.

hersheykiss21

Same issue here!  Sometimes when I feel like if I watch one more second of tv I'll go crazy we stop watching and lift weights together and do stretching.  Might sound silly but go take a stroll through the outdoor games area of a Target or Walmart.  Purchasing the Djubi fling game and a velcro hand ball game has made random nights so much more fun.  Busting out such a game at 8pm is unexpected and just plain fun.  Turn a table into a makeshift ping pong table.  Sounds silly but it has definitely improved our happiness level (including the dog...)

asoiafguy

This is a super tough one. "Decompressing" at night is totally legit and I know for sure there are times when I just need to be on my own watching TV or reading. I feel like the chores, the even-handedness, etc. is a separate subject while him needing to relax at night is something you may need to get used to. Interruptions are fine, but considering them illegitimate because you may (or may not) do more is only going to make him uncomfortable and create more problems. 

All of those other issues are legit too though, so it seems like maybe that's the more important thing to figure out? If you resent his alone/relaxing time then maybe you need to figure out what would have to change for you to be ok with it? Let him know those things and you may have the best chance at positive change.