Looking for insight/relatable stories

marriedlady25

DH and I have just celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary and our marriage is strong.  The only recurring issue we've ever had has regarded my in-laws and boundary-setting as well as holidays and how to divide our time.  The boundaries have been set--we no longer have stop-ins, my FIL no longer inserts himself into the middle of our house projects, etc. While they wanted us to come over every weekend for dinner (which would inevitably last for hours) DH has handled it so that we aren't expected to have frequent meals with them; we do however attend many gatherings and birthday dinners throughout the year (averaging 1+ a month throughout the year).  DH also spends independent time with his dad or both parents a few times a month when I too have my own plans.  All in all I think things are very healthy and fair.

The other night we attended one of the annual gatherings we always make it to, and everyone but my SIL seemed very cold to not only me but DH as well.  This included FIL making snarky/sarcastic comments regarding minor decisions we've made at our home (plantings, etc.) and even my personal hobby, to BIL essentially avoiding us both, and MIL leaving the table to talk to someone else when I sat down to visit with her.  We essentially spent 1/2 the evening to ourselves.  While I don't often see my IL's now, I'm very busy which they know (working, going to school full time, taking care of my horses/following my interests, and maintaining time to see my family and friends an hour away).  I've also reached out in the past with an invitation to almost all the various women in his family for a variety of things.  

I would normally blow it all off as it's all out of my control, but after the other night I'm gaining a great deal of anxiety heading into the holidays as much of the time is spent with my in-laws---something I will be very resentful of if the atmosphere remains the same.  Either way, what I'm really questioning is if they resent me/us for the decisions we've made to be our own entity which is why they're cold-shouldering me/us?  I'll note: my IL's have always been unusually close (seeing each other daily, opinions inserted anywhere anytime).  

JemmaWRX

Your husband needs to ask them what's up and start a conversation. If they acknowledge they feel resentful they need to talk it out. It sounds like they have been receptive to some boundaries? Hopefully that's an indication that they're open to talk this out.

If they respond with hostility your husband should be prepared to play hard ball. If they continue to make it a point to give you the cold shoulder they can expect you to no longer attend family gatherings. They can't treat you both poorly and expect you to continue to come... That doesn't make sense right?

People like this annoy me. They're not happy with the amount of time they DO get with you, so they will punish YOU by making you uncomfortable when they get to see you. So dumb. They're cutting off their nose to spite their face. Hopefully they will see that.

VOR

JemmaWRX said:

Your husband needs to ask them what's up and start a conversation. If they acknowledge they feel resentful they need to talk it out. It sounds like they have been receptive to some boundaries? Hopefully that's an indication that they're open to talk this out.

 

If they respond with hostility your husband should be prepared to play hard ball. If they continue to make it a point to give you the cold shoulder they can expect you to no longer attend family gatherings. They can't treat you both poorly and expect you to continue to come... That doesn't make sense right?

 

People like this annoy me. They're not happy with the amount of time they DO get with you, so they will punish YOU by making you uncomfortable when they get to see you. So dumb. They're cutting off their nose to spite their face. Hopefully they will see that.

ALL of this.  Especially the last paragraph.  I LOL'd.  "We're pissed you don't spend more time w/ us, so we're going to be cold and rude to you the times we DO see you.  To show you what you're missing out on!!!". 

Your DH needs to talk to them and find out what's going on.  And again - FULLY agree - if they are contentious, try to turn this on the two of you, whatever.... I REALLY hope your DH will be cool w/ saying "O.k. then - we won't be seeing you over the holidays".

Because if you DO see them and continue to stick around while they treat you like shit, nothing will change.  You and your DH may need to draw some firm lines in the sand.

Ilumine

My question for you, OP, is what did you or your DH say when your FIL made his nasty comment about your hobby?

You do know that as a grown ass adult you have a right to stand up for yourself when someone is rude to you AND that you can do that in a polite but firm manner.

The reality is, people treat you the way you allow it.  Nasty people will treat you nastily if you do not stop it.  

So you can and should have your DH talk to them, but from this moment forward it is on YOU for allowing them to continue being rude to you.  

Leftie22

Hey, do we have the same in-laws? Just jokes, but this is exactly how mine treat me, and exactly why I never want to see them. Every time we do, we're made aware that we're being "punished" for something, and I generally don't know what. Over the years, I've actually started to prefer this treatment, because it lets me off the hook of being nice and polite and showing up to stuff. It's ridiculous to have to spend your time with people who are making it unpleasant. Life is too short to hang out with jerks. And if they're anything like mine, even if you do find out the "reason" they're mad, it won't be a legitimate one. If I were you, I'd limit my visits even more, until they can act like adults. If you're okay with it, go to one holiday event, and if they treat you the same way, leave and don't attend anything else of theirs over the holidays. DH and I have moved far from our families, but I've already made it clear I'm not going to spend Christmas with his family, especially now that we'd have to fly to their town. Last Christmas only one cousin was talking to me, and I used my baby as an excuse to leave right after dinner. You have every right to do the same. Your time and company are valuable, so spend them on people who appreciate it!! Wishing you good luck! Families like this are not easy.

Leftie22

P.s. My grandma also treats my mom like this (spends every visit ignoring my mom or complaining about how she never sees her, when my mom visits her twice a week.) And my grandma is 80. So I don't hold out much hope that people like this will change. They won't be happy until you do exactly what they want, when they want, which would be crazy. So you might have to just work on accepting that your relationship with the ILs isn't going to be good. It actually takes a lot of the pressure off, in my experience! I enjoy no longer trying.

TarponMonoxide

This is really pretty puerile. They need to accept the fact that it's rude to drop in on anybody and let it go at that.

Your H needs to tell them to cut out the rancor or that will be it for the contact he and you will have with them.

Hope you get this straightened out.

It needs to be an unspoken rule that once yoru son or daughter marries, you need to butt out and stay out of their affairs.  And not be a kid about it.