Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
WWYD
Ever since my dad died (about 2 years now), my mom has been on her own. She is on disability and doesn't make much money, but with the house sale and some insurance money she had a decent nest egg. But then my sister and I learned that she's blown through all the money and barely has a dime to her name. She is getting less than $1,000 from disability each month and only has about 1-2 months left until she's flat broke and can't afford her apartment, utilities, food, etc. She is HORRIBLE with money, she can't take care of herself and she has major psychological issues. My sister has been holding her hand while she applies for housing, aid programs, etc. but we won't hear back from them for at least a couple months. The hope is that my mom can sell one of her cars (she has a convertible and an SUV - yes two vehicles for one person - again, she's horrible with money) and that money will tide her over until she gets into subsidized housing.
But my sister and I were talking about the worst case scenario (if my mom is evicted from her apartment before housing kicks in) and what do we do... here's the dilemma. My sister has a small two bedroom house - the second bedroom is set up for her partner's nephew when he stays at their place (1 weekend a month), so there is just a small twin bed. DH and I have a three bedroom house with one of the extra bedrooms equipped with a double bed for guests. And we have a full basement and garage where all her stuff can go. So the obvious spot is for her to stay with us. However, my mom and I do not get along. We talk maybe once every 2-3 weeks and even those conversations are hard for me to get through. So while our place is the obvious one, I do not want her staying with us. My sister got upset asking if I'd rather see our mother in a shelter than staying with us ... I know this is still premature, but it's a very probable scenario. What do I do?
Here are the issues if she stays with us:
- DH works nights and sleeps all day - my mom doesn't have a job and would be awake and home all day, while he's trying to sleep. She's a larger woman and "quiet" is not in her vocab, so she would no doubt wake him up constantly. (Note: even on Saturdays and Sundays if I'm home and I'm quiet, he still wakes up from time to time.)
- I would go insane! Honestly, I can barely handle her at holiday dinners or the occasional phone call. She is mentally ill, refuses to seek treatment and I have minimal patience at the best of times. So we would be at each other's throats constantly.
- It would be hard on our marriage - obviously having my crazy mom stay with us would be hard on DH and I.
That's all I can think of for now...
I know family is family and you take care of your own, but my mom has basically called me every name in the book at one point or another (told me I was a horrible person, said she didn't know how I was able to keep so many friends, called me a b****, etc.) and we've gone months without talking from time to time. It's not healthy for me to be around her and so I don't know what to do....
Re: WWYD
I can not imagine how it must feel to have a parent refusing mental health treatment. Especially if she says and does hurtful things and doesn't understand the consequences of her actions.
My dad suffered a traumatic brain injury 7 years ago and is not the same person. My mom continues to live with him, even though he is mean and hurtful and is incapable of meaningful conversations and has significant memory loss. My sisters and I forced them to seek counseling and therapy by way of an ultimatum. It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't fun, and there was a year or more of flat-out resistance and arguments, but we're on the upswing now and while he isn't going to get better (meds can only do so much), their ways of dealing with it are better.
So my only advice to you is do what you can handle, and try try try to get her the help she needs and doesn't know she needs.
I am so sorry you have to go through that.. and make such a touch decision!
So, is she able to work? Does she just choose not to? If she got some treatment would that help her be able to work?
Like sdose said, you'll have to go through the pros and cons of the situation.
One thing I have to say, which it kind of along the same lines as sdose... tough love. I know that this doesn't even come close to the situation you both have been in, but my mom is diabetic. When she experiences low blood sugar - it's very dangerous, and she almost acts as if she's drunk. If she crosses a particular line, she can't pull herself back and needs to be forced to eat or drink something, but she's so stubborn. No one else in my family can talk to her the way I can. I'm not nice. My dad will just let her have her way, if she says she's fine, he'll believe her. But I yell at her. I force something down her throat. She fights me, but I know it's what she needs. When she comes back, she remembers a lot of it, but has never held it against me - she knows I was just helping her. It's to the point where a lot of her friends/coworkers threaten her by saying that they will call me if they think she's going low and want her to eat something.
Like I said, I know that doesn't come close to what you guys have gone through. Those times with my mom are only temporary, but sometimes you have to be mean and forceful to get them to do what's best for themselves. I would very much encourage her to get some help, therapy or something. Hopefully that would help her in your relationship too.
TTC since March 2012
BFP 3/14/13!!!
U/S 4/15: Identical twins!
Lost my angel boys at 10.5 weeks
My Chart***My TTC blog
Thanks everyone! I'm afraid I'm being a horrible daughter, but I have to remind myself that she is the parent and it's not my job to take care of her, especially when she won't take care of herself.
sdose & ky - I'm sorry you have those situations with your dad/mom. It's so tough to see stuff like that and feel helpless or like we have to be the parent.
To answer questions - no she can't work. Or at least she says she can't. She was in a couple of car accidents about 15 years ago and since then is in too much pain - or so she claims. Many doctors have told her she's not that bad off and there's no physical explaination for her issues, so I think it's mostly in her head. Plus, she is severly overweight and that doesn't help matters.
As for tough love - that is definitely my perogative and always has been. My sister is the hand holder and my dad was too, but I've always been in the tough love camp. And I think that's largely why we have so many issues. I don't put up with her s*** and so she gets mad, calls me names and says I'm a horrible daughter, etc. etc. I'm the one who has been telling her for years to start volunteering somewhere - even just once a week to get out of the house. Or to meet people. She has no friends because she has sequestered herself at home and of course everyone just gives up on her. The only people she sees or talks to are family and many of them have even given up on her.
My sister and I have talked about trying to get her into a psych ward, but we'd have to go through her doctor and my sister isn't sure she wants to do that. Mostly at this point it's trying to figure out the financial stuff, which is tough. My sister doesn't want to monitor her all the time, nor should she have to.
Mostly I feel really bad for my sister as she is bearing the brunt of this. She's the one taking her to the housing people, helping her fill out forms, checking in on her, etc. I do whatever I can (my sister tells me to look into x or call y and I do that, so I can avoid contact as much as possible).
Anyway, thanks for the feedback. If anyone has any ideas on how to get her the financial help she needs without us having to monitor her, please let me know!
@erollis - Huge thanks! A social worker is a great idea! I hadn't thought about that. I'll make a few phone calls and see what is available.
As for a financial advisor, I'm not sure if there are free services available here, but I'll look into that too.
She doesn't live in a senior living community yet, but she would qualify for 55+ buildings. It's just a matter of finding one that is affordable at this point.
Thanks again!