Family Matters
sheepystitious
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Preventing my mother-in-law from moving in
My husband and I (married two years, together for nine) just purchased our first home together and after some renovations, and moved in ten days ago. It's a 1000 sq. foot ranch with three bedrooms, one of which is being used as our office. Last night we were dealt a large blow. My mother in law invited us over for an important discussion, and said that her boyfriend (who I consider a dear man who has been like a father to me) said he isn't in love with her anymore, and that their relationship must change. He said she can live there as long as she would like to. She broke down completely in front of us and asked if she could move in with us if necessary. My husband, after giving me several looks, said yes to her. She continued to cry and bawl like I've never seen before. I sat in silence completely dumbfounded at my new situation. I understand why he said yes...he had no other alternative at the time, when his mom is crying in her lap and in a state.
As a bit of background, my mother in law has MS, which has forced her on a cane in the last few years, and just had knee surgery in September. She lost her job three years ago and got on Disability so she wouldn't have to return to work (she had many excuses why she could not work, though she was still capable of it). She is still recovering from knee surgery, and is relying between a wheelchair, a bed in the living room, and a walker. She is a very large woman, so the wheelchair is wider than most. And no, in case you are wondering, the wheelchair will not fit through our doorways or down the hallway.
I have learned to live with her issues over the past decade, though we've had some tepid moments. She is a very overbearing and opinionated woman, and can be very nasty. In fact, one of the reasons my FIL is breaking up with her is that he can't see his grown children, because they won't come to the house because she's so mean to them. He has witnessed it, and I have witnessed some if it myself. She also has been incredibly depressed in the last few years, and has become unbearable at times. She would tell my FIL all about Utah when she's only visited once, and he lived their for twenty years. When he disagreed with her on a point, she berated him and said that in fact he was wrong. This is an example of her opinionated nature.
She has NO idea that she has done anything wrong, because she is always RIGHT, and no one can tell her otherwise. My husband is a bit of a mama's boy, and can't seem to say no to her.
I love my MIL, but the thought of her living with us in our NEW home sends chills down my spine. She says she has looked at alternative housing situations, but she would either be in a small dumpy apartment or in assisted living facility. And the wait lists on some housing programs have been shut down, and are not an option. These options are apparently not for her. Instead, she has come up with every excuse for why she should live with us, and all the ways she can help out. I don't want her money, I frankly think she makes more messes than she cleans up. We simply don't have the space, and I can see myself moving out after a very short time with her. I don't believe that it's right that my husband and I would have to leave our home to get some alone time. I can barely stand her for more than a short visit let alone in my home 24/7 for the foreseeable future! I don't know when she might move in, but regardless, it seems like inevitable, with no way out.
What should I do?
As a bit of background, my mother in law has MS, which has forced her on a cane in the last few years, and just had knee surgery in September. She lost her job three years ago and got on Disability so she wouldn't have to return to work (she had many excuses why she could not work, though she was still capable of it). She is still recovering from knee surgery, and is relying between a wheelchair, a bed in the living room, and a walker. She is a very large woman, so the wheelchair is wider than most. And no, in case you are wondering, the wheelchair will not fit through our doorways or down the hallway.
I have learned to live with her issues over the past decade, though we've had some tepid moments. She is a very overbearing and opinionated woman, and can be very nasty. In fact, one of the reasons my FIL is breaking up with her is that he can't see his grown children, because they won't come to the house because she's so mean to them. He has witnessed it, and I have witnessed some if it myself. She also has been incredibly depressed in the last few years, and has become unbearable at times. She would tell my FIL all about Utah when she's only visited once, and he lived their for twenty years. When he disagreed with her on a point, she berated him and said that in fact he was wrong. This is an example of her opinionated nature.
She has NO idea that she has done anything wrong, because she is always RIGHT, and no one can tell her otherwise. My husband is a bit of a mama's boy, and can't seem to say no to her.
I love my MIL, but the thought of her living with us in our NEW home sends chills down my spine. She says she has looked at alternative housing situations, but she would either be in a small dumpy apartment or in assisted living facility. And the wait lists on some housing programs have been shut down, and are not an option. These options are apparently not for her. Instead, she has come up with every excuse for why she should live with us, and all the ways she can help out. I don't want her money, I frankly think she makes more messes than she cleans up. We simply don't have the space, and I can see myself moving out after a very short time with her. I don't believe that it's right that my husband and I would have to leave our home to get some alone time. I can barely stand her for more than a short visit let alone in my home 24/7 for the foreseeable future! I don't know when she might move in, but regardless, it seems like inevitable, with no way out.
What should I do?
Re: Preventing my mother-in-law from moving in
This isn't his choice to make unilaterally. He CAN go back and say "We were put on the spot. After thinking about it, our home isn't a good option and we won't be able to have you move in.".
And really- YOU need to do some soul searching. What if his "momma's boy"ness makes him go against YOU? Are you willing to stay there, or is this a dealbreaker? SEriously. Put some real thought into this. If this is a dealbreaker, then tell him. "It's her or me">
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That would be a dealbreaker for me. ECB, is right. She has other options, she just doesn't wanna do it.
Tell your husband the truth. Don't sugarcoat, tell him the honest truth. You don't have to get upset, but be blunt and be direct.
FWIW, I wouldn't want to live with her either and wouldn't feel one iota of guilt for telling my husband " No way."
All of this.
Just because she is his mother does not mean you are obligated to let her live with you. She has other options and she needs to take one of those options. The fact that your H actually said yes, in front of you, and not in the very least 'we have to discuss this' - that's some serious bs. I'd be having a little chat with him about that too. He shouldn't be making decisions that affect the both of you without discussing it - in private. I would seriously be livid.
Also, he needs to never, ever say yes to anything this serious and life changing without talking to you first. Deal with the above first but then you will have to deal with this issue second. Life has funny twist and turns, he has to get that you never say yes to anything without discussing with your spouse first. I'd be pissed.
He loves his mother, but also doesn't want her to live with us. He is more easy going than I am, but even he knows he couldn't deal with it. Especially if he was put in the middle between his mother and his wife. That's not fair for him, either.
He is already looking into other options for her, and we'll discuss more with her soon. Funny thing is, she just called me (at work...talk about putting me on the spot!) and asked to eat dinner at our house most nights each week because she's lonely and feels like puking if she sits down to a meal by herself. My FIL is out most nights working late (he works seven days a week) or at one of his kids' houses. I love how she put me on the spot while I'm at work. I explained that we have dinner plans tonight, but that we're free tomorrow, and we could discuss this more after I speak with DH.
She kept going on an on about being lonely and not being able to be by herself, and I asked her, "Well, you were planning to get your own place, though, right"? She said she hoped she would be with us on a permanent basis because she wants to be with family and have a "soft place to land". I said I was under the understanding that the potential move was temporary, as she had mentioned yesterday. She had apparently misspoke. I told her we can discuss more as a family tomorrow during dinner, because we were unaware of the permanent nature of her plans (schemes?)
My husband is caught between this, too, and I do feel terrible about the place he is in. Wish me luck! I will follow up with whatever happens. Thank you all for your support and understanding.
I'm going to warn you, though, on two points.
1- you and DH are going to have to be ready to be FIRM. All this "well, we'll see/ we'll talk".... you're just putting off the inevitable. Dinner every night? "We're unable to do that. (and if you're willing) However, we can set aside Sunday nights to have dinner w/ you.".
She cries about being lonely? Let her. You can empathize with her, and then maybe give her ideas of things to do w/ her time.
2- DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN TEMPORARILY. Seriously, DON'T. It won't be temporary. It will end up being permanent. DO NOT DO THIS.
You're DH needs to be ready to step up and say "Mom, I misspoke the other night. We want to help you, but moving in to our home isn't an option. We will gladly help you find somewhere suitable, and we'll help you move. But moving into our home isn't an option".
DO NOT GIVE REASONS!!!! Anything you say she'll use to find holes. "It's not too small!", "Oh, I won't need my wheelchair in the house", etc. Just say "It's not an option".
And prepare your DH- she will probably cry, etc etc etc. He can NOT give in to it. He can't. You all are not responsible for her feelings. And remind yourselves over and over that there is a really good reason why she sees you all as her last resort. NO ONE ELSE will have anything to do with her!!!!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You two need to have a serious discussion and form a game plan before dinner. You'll need to put on a united front and not waver, regardless of tears, wails, or any sort of hysterics. She sounds about as manipulative as they come.
You are not putting him in the middle. On your wedding day he vowed before God and friends and family to put you above all others and let no one come between. All others includes his mom. There is no middle. When you two got married, he chose you.
Don't feel guilty for holding him accountable to the promises he made to you on your wedding day.
Oh and she feels like puking is she is eating alone ? Come on, you have to know that is just ridiculous.
Funny thing is, all of this could have been avoided if she showed her husband love, consideration and respect.
She made her bed and now she has to lie in it. She has no one to blame but herself.
Oh, I agree with this SO much, and have been in this situation with my DH and his family. Do NOT let her move in temporarily. It will destroy your relationship, probably with both your MIL and your DH. She needs to figure her crap out, and she won't do that if you're supporting her. You won't be able to get her out. I say this as someone who let my BIL sponge off me and DH. It was the nail in the coffin of my relationship with DH's family, and almost destroyed my marriage. Please don't do hit his to yourselves! I also wholeheartedly agree with not giving her excuses. My DH is notorious of this (because it puts off the discussion) but it just leads to more time explaining, justifying then making more excuses, and is a total waste of time. It also sets up unrealistic expectations. DH still makes up "reasons" why we can't do such-and-such, and it leads to MORE problems every single time. Be clear and firm. Wishing you luck, don't let this runaway train crash into your house and destroy everything!!
And let him chew on that.
After which ne needs to call her -- in front of you and say "ma, I am sorry. Sleepystitious and I have both decided it is not possible to accommodate you. We will be glad to assist you in finding a place that is good for you and accessible to you."
THAT is what should happen.
if not, seriously rethink him. He has no right to decide ANYTHING minus you.
Your town must have a social worker. See if she or he can be of aid to you --- a social worker usually has the inside line of what's best for the accommodations of somebody with a chronic illness.
There are also 55 plus active living communities. Not for stuffy ole fuddy duddies -- she could probably do well there, if she needs a live in companion, she could get one to help out, if she needs somebody to help cook and do light housework.
The bottom line is this: she cannot live with you.
I also suggest that you and he see a counselor to start boning up on a thing called communication. He also needs to learn how to stand up to his mother without fearing repercussions.
Others have it right. Do NOT let her move in. Do NOT let her guilt you into anything. She is a grown woman and she doesn't need to live with you or eat with you daily. You can support her by helping her find a place to live that is appropriate for her health and finances.
I know you love her and it's hard to say no someone is pouring down crying but that's a dealbreaker.. I mean I know it's his mom but yall would have almost change for your whole house for her when I am pretty sure she can get her own place. You need to talk to him.. Because I think I would have fainted if I was you.. And then she's not very clean....NO! If she was to move in with yall..set some boundaries.. Not trying to be mean but that's yall new home. I am sorry you are having to deal with us because I know yall want to enjoy your new home. I hope everything works out for the bless..
xoxo
MIL, right now, is actually too overweight and disabled to live at your house. You just bought this house, widening all of your doorways and hallways to accommodate her wheelchair are just not reasonable things to do at this point - had we known this ahead of time we would have bought a house with disabled access and supports, but we didn't. I'm so sorry, but the logistics of it just won't work.
So because of this, MIL moves in to an assisted living facility or disabled apartment or whatever as a temporary solution - once she loses weight and is no longer in a wheelchair or confined to a hospital grade bed in the living room she can always move into her son's ranch home, right?
She's not going to lose the weight. Problem solved. Or she does (yay for her!), so she is now ready to move in - but wait, without that weight she is no longer disabled and no longer has to move in - as well, she has been living on her own for the last 6 months and is clearly doing great, no point in her moving in now. Problem solved.
I could be way off base - but that seems like the easiest route to me.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk