Spouse just diagnosed bi-polar, would like to hear from others with bp spouses (or exes)

sjcar

Long-time lurker, first time poster. Money has always been a problem in my ten year marriage. I love my husband, he gets me like no one else, and many of the best years of my life have been while we've been married. But money has always been an issue. He made a lot, but he spent it, too, more so as time went on, like it might catch fire if he didn't spend it right now. And always on b.s. stuff (electronics, sports stuff, all other kinds of crap). Sometimes he was better, then he'd just go crazy, get us into debt. It was so weird and irrational and I just didn't know what it was, except that it was compulsive. His behavior around money developed  and has gotten worse over time. I truly did not have a clear understanding of this before we got married, so please hold the 'did you know this before you got married?' questions. I get where that's coming from, but I didn't. And it's just not helpful right now to be told I should have known better and been able to predict the future.

So, husband got ill and has become disabled, no more high-paying job, hasn't worked in 14 months, will never work in his field again. I make 1/4 of what he did My job does have good benefits but medical bills have been through the roof. There's no way we can live in this area on what I make. The insurance company denied his long-term disability claim and we've had to hire a lawyer to fight them on it. So we're sinking financially. The meager ER fund is long gone, we're trying to figure out our next move (including where to move that we can afford) and in all this I've been the caretaker because he's been ill. We live far from family, so it's really just me. The docs can't seem to figure out what is wrong with him, which doesn't help. So here I am, the sole caretaker of my increasingly depressed, isolated husband. He isn't even trying to keep up with friends online or the phone because he says he has nothing to talk about except being sick. I'm telling him I can't be his sole connection to the world but he's not getting it, and while I love him, I'm starting to feel like I'm living with an emotional vampire.

Long story short (well, kind of) my doctor told me if I didn't take some time off and get away I was going to have a nervous breakdown. This was the third time in nine months that he had said this, so I finally decided to follow his advice. For part of my time off I went to visit family out of town, husband seemed to be doing a bit better and up to looking after himself a little, but he went off the rails.  ran up the credit cards (that we need to live on until his case is resolved), crammed the house with the crap he bought, just totally off the rails. I wasn't gone that long and I'm floored, this is just so off the charts, even for him. I just wanted to run away back to my family it's so bad. I had decided while I was away that I need for things to change. That he had to find a therapist to work with because of his off-the-charts childhood that, imho, was causing a lot of his problems w/ money. He'd been seeing a therapist but then quit. Also, that we had to resume couples counseling, and most important that we had to find a way to work together on money or we just weren't going to make it because I can't live this way anymore. Sick I can handle, but a sick spendthrift who gets us into crazy debt (and I'm the one who worries about getting out of it, not him), I just can't do it anymore. And of course I'm feeling horribly guilty, too, because what kind of heartless person thinks about leaving her husband when he's sick? Only horrible people do that, and yet here I am thinking it because I just can't keep doing what we've been doing. I'm tearfully telling a friend of my return home and what happened while I was away, her med student cousin who just happens to be visiting asks me if I think husband might be bi-polar, because that kind of spending is a symptom. We talk more, cousin says it sounds like he's hypomanic (which is bi-polar 2), and I talk to husband. He says he thinks he might be, and that he's pretty sure his estranged father is, too, but undiagnosed. We go see a psychiatrist who says yes, he's hypomanic/bp2.

So... he's started the meds, it's been not quite a month. He's seeing a very good therapist for about two months. He's trying really hard, I can tell he is. He's still sporadially spending money we don't have not just because he's bipolar but also because it's his coping mechanism that he learned in that off-the-charts childhood I mentioned earlier. If he hadn't been diagnosed bi-polar I probably would have left him because I really have hit my limit. I'd have just lived with the guilt of being the horrible kind of person who leaves a sick spouse because I could at least keep my sanity enough to be able to feel horrible about it. I cannot deal with the constant stress of trying to contain and restrain and manage his behavior around money. And I don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired, and he's not a child and I'm not his mother. BUT... he's bi-polar. He's only been in treatment for a month. There's a big part of me that thinks if he can get treatment that will help with his behavior around money, then I owe it to myself to stick it out long enough to find out. But Jesus, it's really hard. One minute I think I can do it, the next I don't. Yes, I have a therapist, yes I see her regularly, and yet... I just don't know. I don't know if I can do it, I don't know if he can, I just don't. I love him, and I honestly cannot imagine what my life would be like w/out him in it, but I'm not sure we're going ot make it.

So, if you have a bi-polar spouse and been in a situation similar (or not), what would you say to me? I know I'm the only one who can ultimately decide if it's worth it to stick it out some more and see, or if I just have to take care of myself. But it would be nice to hear from others, even if you don't have a happy "it all worked out in end" ending.

Janessadawn

Not my spouse...but me. It sounds like recent events have worsened his condition and being untreated, he could have gone into a manic phase as a reaction. (Extreme spending is a major sign. I've been there.)

I really commend you for sticking it out as far as you have. I'm sure it hasn't been easy. Sometimes I'm not sure how my husband and I made it down the aisle...I was improperly diagnosed for a while and spent a long time on a straight antidepressant, which helped slightly but ultimately proved ineffective. Sometimes I don't know how he put up with it, and some of my past behavior has left its mark, but we're working through all of that.

I know you're not his mother and don't want to be, but perhaps you could limit his access to money and credit cards until he's stabilized? He would need to be on board for this but I think knowing that he can't overspend would remove one of many stressors from your life. I don't want to scare you, but it can take many months and many tries to get the meds right. During that time both of you are going to need to monitor how he feels and how he acts, and immediately report anything alarming to his doctor.

He isn't himself right now, but take heart: once he and his doctor find the right medication(s), things will get better.

sjcar

Thank you, Janessadawn. I have taken the cards away (again), and he's on board. And for the first time ever he returned things, thousands of dollars worth. That's one way I know he's really trying, and he's told me flat out he's afraid I'll leave and he can't believe I've stayed as long as I have. It's scary to hear it can take some months before he gets the right meds combo, but thanks for your honesty. I realized when I read that that I've been thinking okay, he's taking meds, and they'll work! I feel silly admitting it, but it hadn't occurred to me that the first one might not be the right one(s).

TarponMonoxide

I wonder if acupuncture would help him also.

I usually recommend acupuncture to somebody who has a chronic disease.  look into it; it may help him tremendously.

It has to be rough, considering that during his troubles he's spent you guys into oblivion.

See a therapist --- yourself, that is --- and there should also be a support group that meets in person for those who have loved ones with a chronic condition. Try your local mental health association for a group like that that meets --- your local MH association is also invaluble for resources.

A friend of mine has an xH who is bipolar. She is day to day with him because they still have 3 kids under 18.

When he goes off his meds he's done odd things like cut the kids' cell phone coverage, cancelled the tuition for college for one of the kids and told their mutual friends that he and she were remarrying; she also had the cops at her door once or twice.

It's a day to day thing when somebody you are close to has a chronic illness. It's not easy, as you can see for yourself.

RenoisPrettierThanYou

I have nothing to share that would help you, but wanted to wish you both strength.

Janessadawn

A lot of people (myself included) who are either beginning meds or are with someone starting them expect them to do their job and work right away, like aspirin does. No two people will react to antidepressants, mood stabilizers, etc, in the same way, which is part of what makes it challenging for doctors. Try not to get discouraged, either of you. Pay attention: if he thinks something isn't working, he needs to be patient or at the very least, continue taking it until his doctor can switch him--quitting cold turkey can have awful results. If he's having bad side effects, see the doctor as soon as possible. Conversely, if he starts to feel significantly better, this doesn't mean he's "cured" and can go off his meds.

As you can see, I've done a ton of research about this in the last 2 years. I have read reviews of drugs my doctor has suggested before he's prescribed them on WebMD. He also recommended Epocrates to me, but I didn't use it much. If the doctor wants to prescribe a combo (fairly common), you can do a google search for "bipolar II + [drug name 1] + [drug name 2]" and find others who are on similar combos. If you do decide to read the forums, just remember that no two people will react in the same way, so take the posts with a grain of salt.

cinderin

My DH is on mood stabilizers. It took over a year to get the dosage right for him. I don't think he was a "bad" case either, not like you are describing. 

It is hard. They can't really "see" it because they are in it.

With DH, I could tell when the dosage was off. I would tell him. He didn't always agree with me. But I know I am not crazy and would tell him specifically what was wrong (sleep issues, short temper, irritable, or the like). I insisted that he tell his doctor what I thought, even if it was only "my wife thinks I am more irritable". I would give specific examples for him to share with his doctor. His doctor is a specialist, which is important. A general doctor isn't as good with these things. 

It's been about 4 years now. He still sees the doctor 3 or 4 times a year. 

I think as the spouse it is important to he supportive, but the sick person has to want to get better. You can't do the work, they have to do it. 

I agree with the PP, I would limit his access to all the finances. Close the card accounts so he can't charge more. Put the checking and savings in your name. Freeze your and his credit so that new cards can't be opened. The goal would be that he can work to get well enough that you won't have to do this long term, but for now it is necessary so that bills can be paid so he can still receive medical services and the household (food, shelter, transportation) can be maintained. 

Something else that might be worth looking into - selling the expensive items in your home. Maybe your DH would be on board with this? It is something he could help with. Taking pictures and posting on craigslist or ebay? Then maybe he would feel like he was helping? Worth thinking about. 

Sillygirl45

Oh dear, this sucks. Agree with PP's, take away his access to your accounts.

I will tell you what I was told when doing some estate planning. In my state, what is mine is mine, and what is his is mine, what's mine is not necessarily his. 

First of all, you need to speak with an attorney and find out what your obligation would be with these purchases. Saving your marriage is important, but saving your credit score is pretty important too. 

You need to be able to go and support yourself if you need to.

Beyond the financial, it is up to you if you decide to try to work this out. Good luck. Please let us know of we can be of help.

tjhartle

I'm in a similar situation.  My DH is bi-polar2 and his doctor considered it when I started relaying what I see DH's symptoms are.  My DH is also fighting for disability due to other medical conditions and can never do the physical work he did before but he takes care of the housework, laundry and getting our son ready for school, homework, etc.  It seems to help if he has responsibilities.  When he has the opportunity to lay around and feel sorry for himself his symptoms get much worse.  I agree with the other posts, if you want to try and make it work, limit his access to money (DH gets an allowance as well as myself), doesn't have access to the bank account or emergency credit cards.