poo

JSP77

WendyGR

You say that it is good 90% of the time, yet he puts you down all the time and doesn't take your feelings into consideration? If it makes you feel better, and you can get him to agree, you could try counseling as a last ditch effort. It sounds like he's already checked out mentally though. You deserve better than that. As fun as it is to fantasize about him coming back on his knees, you need to prepare yourself in the event that he doesn't. And you can't live the rest of your life waiting. You might not ever know why he's not happy. But you deserve to be.

Sillygirl45

Oh boy. There's a lot going on here.

First, you can't make him happy. His happiness is on him. Your happiness is on you. 

If you're not happy with a disrespectful H who doesn't bother to tell you where he is, belittles you, and is pretty much telling you he wishes he hadn't married you, it's up to you to do something about that.

I call BS on being at a friends in laws house. There's another woman in the mix here. Whether it's just flirting or more, I can almost guarantee there was a girl involved in some way that night. His nasty behavior toward you makes me think he's working trying to justify his bad behavior. I don't care if you are a whiny, immature slob (which I'm sure you're not) he married you, I would assume he knew you, he's just being an ass.

You don't need to justify calling him multiple times and tracking his phone. Part of it was that you were worried, but really, you knew something was up and you were justifiably pissed. 

As far as the living with his widowed mother, this should have been worked out before you got married. You and he needed to discuss expectation related to extended family. If you didn't, you need to have an honest conversation now and decide whether or not you two can live with the other ones expectations.

Honestly, it sounds like he is cheating, thinking about cheating, or has decided he doesn't want to be married. 

He hasn't even contacted you since you left? I am so sorry you are going through this, but don't let him call the shots and wait for him to decide if you're good enough or not. Get your strength up and remember you ARE better than this. 

I know no one wants to end a marriage, but the way you're being treated, you will feel so much better and wonder why the heck you put up with one day of being treated like this.

At the very least, you two need counseling ASAP to get to the bottom of this. I have a feeling he's not going to go though. 

Good luck to you and be glad you have your family support.

MLE2010

What do you want to do here? Wait for him to tell you what is going to happen?

Look he wasn't at a friends inlaws house until midnight.  I agree with PP he is cheating, or thinking about it but a woman is somehow involved.  You are working at an apt complex? Great, get your own place, get your things out of MILs house and file for divorce.  Vows made in front of God only work if BOTH live up to the vows.  He puts his mother in front of you, verbally and emotionally abuses you and is only with you because he feels he has to be.  None of these things are a mix of a good marriage and you should show him that God's wrath isn't anything compared to an angry woman.

I will tell you this, he says nothing you do is good enough. From cooking, cleaning and laundry. Do you really think he is mature?? WTH? Why are you putting up with this? Make sure you never do any of those things for him again. He lives with Mommy, let her do it for him.

doeydo

I don't think you two should be together.  He obviously was lying about where he was (he might have been cheating, so I would get checked for STI's if I were you), he is belittles you and everything you do.  The problem isn't that you are sloppy or anything about you (you sound neat, etc. anyways).  He will make you feel like all the issues are your fault, which is completely wrong.  I don't think you two belong together.  Please, divorce this man and move on, be happy.

Leftie22

He sounds like someone who wants a submissive, obedient servant, not an equal partner with her own thoughts and feelings. He wants to go from mommy taking care of him to wifey taking care of him. No wonder you're not allowed to complain or have feelings - it's inconvenient to him! It sounds like you might be a bad match as far as cultural marriage expectations go. I'm in a mixed-culture marriage too, and you both have to be willing to be open and honest about what your values are and where you draw the line. It doesn't sound like you have that with your DH. I'm sorry, but it sounds like you just aren't compatible, and you're letting him treat you like crap. Don't wait for him to make the call on what happens to your relationship. Instead, use this time to think about what YOU really want. Do you want to live with your MIL and be second-best for the rest of your life??

TarponMonoxide

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but something stinks on ice here and badly.

Chances are he has somebody in the wings already.  Very likely that the address of that strange house is somebody he may be eyeing or already has on the side.

Looks like he's picking a fight to use as an excuse to go his own separate way.

You need to speak with him.  Meet with him in  a public place and ask him if he is interested in being married to you anymore.

If you do not get a yes, be smart and cut your losses and go. None of what you reported is a good sign or portent.

Protect your assets; make sure he can't get ahold of them; see an attorney and file when you finances are in order. GL.

TarponMonoxide

And the next go round:

Get yourself some therapy; learn how to stand up for yourself. If you see something you do not like, learn how to speak up and say no to whatever it is, like a husband moving his parent in with you.

Get yourself a man who is a MAN -- somebody who can stand on his own two feet and somebody who fully endorses you as his partner and equal. A guy who knows what teamwork is and a guy who knows what FAMILY means.  Don't pick any more lemons like the douche you are currently married to.

And oh yeah: a guy with a spine and who can think for himself.  A therapist will show you how to avoid the real turkeys and will show you how not to attract the losers. GL.

artbyallie

Wake up and smell the fucking coffee. This man is not even remotely 'perfect.' You didn't list one good quality here.

TarponMonoxide

You and he have vast differences of opinion: get rid of him; he cannot and will not work with you as a team and he knows zero about the fine art of compromise:

I want to make it work because I took vows under God and I'm afraid of breaking them.

Yeah, well HE took vows before God, too.

And one of the vows he made:

Forsaking all others.

He has forsaken you and big time.  He knows zero about putting you first above all.

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work, not just one. This guy is showing no interest in getting anthing to work with you.

 I really love my husband but he is very stubborn and I he puts me down a lot when we fight. Im 9 years younger and he likes to make me feel so terrible about my maturity, he nit picks on everything I do.

Why did you marry a guy who cannot communicate like a full grown adult???
 
the house is never clean enough, I don't cook enough, The laundry takes too long to do.

Really?

Then why doesn't he get up off his ass and do the cleaning, the cooking and THE LAUNDRY???

You are also not his maid, his concierge, his laundress, his chef or his manservant.  What year was he born in? about 1900????

I was discussing this with my best friend and she was shocked because she said my house was the cleanest house shes ever been in. He is really OCD, its very very bad.

Well, that's very very bad...for HIM!

 I just feel like im not good enough, he makes me feel like I really just cant do anything right. as I type this I realize how stupid and pathetic I sound, I'm better than this. I was raised better than to put up with it, but when its good which is 90% of the time it really Is good. Do you think there is anything I can do to make him see my side?

Nope. This guy is either hopelessly living in a dream world or he's just a bastard to live with. I tend to vote 'bastard to live with."

And how come the 2 of you never discussed before you were married, how the cooking and cleaning and other chores will be done, and by who, and when???

Counceling? My mom says I should stay here until he comes crying back on his knees. I really don't think he understands how good he has it, I am a much more devoted wife and better home keeper than most of my friends, I just don't get why hes not happy!!

I strongly suspect he used the nit picking as a way out.:( He was bound to go, anyway, judging by what you told us about the mysterious visit he made when you tracked his phone. He's got a woman or a guy on the side.

A parent has no place with a son or daughter when the son or daughter marries.  It is indeed normal in certain cultures for that to happen -- what is normal for other cultures is not normal for others.

If he couldn't get it that YOU come first, and not his mother --- it is possible to transcend culture but wow, he'd need a lot of premarital counseling first for you to see if the counseling worked, and even then it would be risky to marry him --- then he had no business taking a wife.  He had no business letting you think that somehow in this weird arrangement that YOU would come first in line above anybody else.

You are married a year, you say?

Speak to an attorney and tell him or her what you told us. it may be possible for you to have the marriage legally dissolved via a civil annulment.

zitiqueen

JSP77 said:

I don't know how to deal with this it has all been so sudden. My husband and I haven't really fought and we've been married a little over a year. last night was Halloween and I had some family and friends over to celebrate, my husband works late (he owns a family run commercial cleaning business) I should also mention his mother lives with us in basement. Anyways he gets off and his mom comes in, I wait for my husband but he never shows I guess he went to the store but found it odd he didn't say anything first. I text and call him, no answer. I wait 30 mins and text and call.. no answer. an hour later and no answer. So I got worried and tracked his phone ( we have this incase phone is lost or stolen), anyways I see he is close by but at a house I didnt recognize.I tend to worry about crazy scenarios and it's very unlike him to not answer. So after 2 hours and numerous calls and texts he picks up, he says he was at his best friends inlaws house... at midnight? yeah he says he was there with his bff they were talking and he left his phone in the car.... I got really pissed at this point because I wouldn't leave my phone in the car for 2 hours and I would have also liked it if he would have told me where he was going before hand. He dropped his mom off he could have come in and said hey going to doug's house. something doesn't feel right about the situation so im still mad and embarrassed this happened in front of friends and family.

So I wake him up in the am, tell him we have errands to run and he is really moody and irritable. we go to the bank and then to a soccer store where he buys a new ball. things seem to be better but then we get into an argument over renting an apartment (I got a new job as a leasing consultant and get a good deal). He tells me he doesn't want to rent and would rather stay with his mom till we buy a place. Honestly im sick of staying with her, shes a bit bi polar and I just feel uncomfortable. Shes a widow and in their culture the son takes in his widowed mother. I honestly think this is just shit, I am not of his culture and he knew this when he married me. I am Cuban American and we like what is ours, we like our own homes and things. He then yells to me how I am a child and I am selfish. I tell him I married him not his mother and if that makes me selfish so be it! I tell him ive been dealing with her shit 2 years and if we don't more in 2 months I will move by my damn self. He tells me the door is wide open, and the thing that stung the most was he told me that if it weren't for the vows he made under God that he would have left my whiny ass a long time ago. I don't feel like I ask for much, I just want my own place to call home. His mother isn't evil, but she is manipulative and vindictive. I think she gets thoughts in his head. I don't feel comfortable in that house knowing that. I love my husband but I can't deal anymore. He is the perfect man, aside from his mother, I feel like he takes her back over mine. He also quit smoking a few days ago and has been super on edge.

Anyways now I'm happily at my parents house and he has made no effort to get in contact with me. I asked him if he ment when he said about not staying with me if it weren't for the vows and he said he does feel that way sometimes. I want to make it work because I took vows under God and I'm afraid of breaking them. I really love my husband but he is very stubborn and I he puts me down a lot when we fight. Im 9 years younger and he likes to make me feel so terrible about my maturity, he nit picks on everything I do. the house is never clean enough, I don't cook enough, The laundry takes too long to do. I was discussing this with my best friend and she was shocked because she said my house was the cleanest house shes ever been in. He is really OCD, its very very bad. I just feel like im not good enough, he makes me feel like I really just cant do anything right. as I type this I realize how stupid and pathetic I sound, I'm better than this. I was raised better than to put up with it, but when its good which is 90% of the time it really Is good. Do you think there is anything I can do to make him see my side? Counceling? My mom says I should stay here until he comes crying back on his knees. I really don't think he understands how good he has it, I am a much more devoted wife and better home keeper than most of my friends, I just don't get why hes not happy!!

That whole son-taking-in-the-widowed-mother and the differences between your cultures... did you bother to discuss how you were going to deal with any of this before you got married?

RachelG4625

Honey, bless your heart. I feel bad for you. I hope this all works out but let me just say a few things. 

Its good 90% of the time! 

Babe, you deserve 100% of the time. No one is worth 90% of your time. If he is giving you less than his best (in your opinion) and you are giving him less than your best then you two are not meant to be. I don't know you but I know anyone deserves happiness, true love, passion and romance 100% of the time. It wont be perfect, this is true. You will have arguments but look at yourself honey you are living at your parents house and he is living with his mother! This is not a good situation. You haven't even been married 2 years! What is the rest of the marriage going to be like? Like this? That isn't fair to either one of you honestly. 

I must admit, my marriage has had many ups and many downs and I almost left my husband too. I just couldn't. I am not strong enough to do it. Plus I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I thought that I hated him, I thought that this was how my life was going to be, I thought what was I doing, why did I rush into this, why!! But just recently things changed for me. I found peace in a world of chaos, I found strength in weakness that I once hand. The makeover starts with you honey! I learned this through counseling. My situation is probably different from yours but I was trying to control my H and try to change my H's habits that weren't right by anyone's standards. I learned through counseling that I am co-dependent. I learned that I am not going to leave him, EVER. I knew at that moment that I had to change. I had to shift my focus from 'changing H' to changing me! I did and I was reformed. Things just got better from there and today I feel nothing but high on life. I smile everyday, I love my life, I take everything in, and I just let it be. If my H is going to resort to his bad habits that is his problem. If it doesn't interfere with our life I am fine. I am not condoning his actions, but I can't change him so what is the point in worrying myself to death about it? You know?! 

Ya'll have a lot to work through. This is a very intense time. Living with his mother, quitting smoking, pressures of financials, pressures to move, pressures at work. It might just be getting to much for him. For someone to say what he said to you though, that is not something you are ever going to forget. Do you want to be sitting on the porch when you are 65 years old with the same man that said all those many years ago that he wished he could leave you? That is not a life worth living! That is not a man worth keeping. Respect yourself and respect will come back to you. 

As for the whole divorce thing, God says that if you try and make it work, i.e. counseling, etc. and it just can't work you will have his permission to leave him BUT you have to try and make it work. You can't just leave! Unless there is infidelity going on. They should have free counseling at a church near you. Go and ask questions. If your H will not go to counseling with you, which mine wouldnt, let things calm down and ask again. He will hopefully give in. Mine did and it was the best thing for us. Men are not comfortable with counseling. They dont like admitting they have weaknesses and they dont like being told what to do. Continue to pray for peace and a happy marriage. Do your part to make it work. That is all you can do. Two people make a marriage so if you do your part and the other part is lacking you will know where your marriage stands. 

Tofumonkey

Rachel I don't know you but I feel so sad for you. Not all men are as you describe or assume. I'm not sure where your God said you could leave if you've tried counselling first, but okay. Aiming for being 100% happy 100% of the time is a good way to set yourself up for a mental breakdown. Not being happy with your husband (what habits were those?) so you went to counselling and found out that you were the entire problem and you've just changed yourself, drastically lowered your expectations and are happy for happy's sake.

That is a really sad way to live. All the power to you and I'm pleased you are happy, but I wouldn't be happy like that. It seems so superficial.

RachelG4625

Actually my Christian counselor told me that. 

I never described a certain man or men in general. Go back and re-read it. 

It's not MY GOD. HE IS GOD!

I didn't say she should AIM FOR 100% happy. I said she deserves 100% of the time. She stated in her original post that her marriage is good for only 90% of the time. She should want more than just 90%. Why is that so wrong to want more than 90% good? I didn't tell her to work her ass off to achieve it I just said that is what she deserves. As any woman deserves. 

I did not describe my husbands issues because they were of ill-consequence. They are his demons that he needs to deal with. They are nothing that would ruin a marriage but they are not something that I just go around proclaiming either. For you to ask, is rather bold of you.

I also never said that I was the problem I just said that I found out there is a different way to live. I shifted my focus from changing him to changing me. I changed the way I viewed things. That is not to say that I agree with things that he may or may not do but I can't make him do what I think is the best thing or the right thing. He has to make that choice himself. Why would any woman try and 'change' their man? That is not what men want. They want a partner not a dictator. Furthermore, I feel that trying to change a man is setting yourself up for a mental breakdown. 

I am not happy for happy's sake babe. I am happy because I am truly happy. My expectations are not lowered. I didnt have to lower my expectations to shift my focus. I married him, I am happy that I did, I love him, I would do anything for him. I knew he did these things before we got married and I agreed. I dont regret it and I am excited for our future. 

Superficial: not having or showing any depth of character. 

I am far from the definition. My marriage is far from the definition. 

Tofumonkey

RachelG4625 said:

Babe, you deserve 100% of the time.

I know anyone deserves happiness, true love, passion and romance 100% of the time.

I must admit, my marriage has had many ups and many downs and I almost left my husband too. I am not strong enough to do it.

I thought that I hated him

I am co-dependent.

I learned that I am not going to leave him, EVER.

I had to change.

If my H is going to resort to his bad habits that is his problem.

I am not condoning his actions, but I can't change him so what is the point in worrying myself to death about it? You know?! 

For someone to say what he said to you though, that is not something you are ever going to forget. Do you want to be sitting on the porch when you are 65 years old with the same man that said all those many years ago that he wished he could leave you? That is not a life worth living! That is not a man worth keeping. Respect yourself and respect will come back to you. 

God says that if you try and make it work, i.e. counseling, etc. and it just can't work you will have his permission to leave him BUT you have to try and make it work. You can't just leave! Unless there is infidelity going on.

Men are not comfortable with counseling.

They dont like admitting they have weaknesses and they dont like being told what to do.

Those are your words. Your exact words. I'm not sure where I didn't read properly.

You're telling her in one paragraph that your God (yes, your God, open your mind a little) only says it is okay to leave your husband if you've tried counseling, or if there is infidelity. Then in another paragraph you tell her that she should leave him now for having said such a thing to her, how could she stay until she is old with a man that said something like that to her. Then you again tell her to stay and work it out. Which is it?

You described men in general as not comfortable with counseling. How is that not a broad, sweeping generalization? Are all counselors women? Are all husbands against counseling? All men in general? I just don't think that is a fair generalization here. Particularly that you've now had a go at me for pointing it out.

I ask about your husband's issues because for one, you tossed that out there on the internet - how is it bold of me to ask what it was that made you think you hated him? I've never for an instant thought that I hated my husband. Is he smoking? Gambling? Drinking? Killing puppies in the back garden on Tuesdays?

It just seems so random to me that you can go from hating your husband and the things that he does (his 'habits') and then jump to it's all about you and how you perceive these things you don't like, you should just live with it and be happy because you have someone that loves you, etc.

How is 'deserving' 100% happiness, passion, true romance, etc. not setting yourself up for failure? You are in a relationship with another person, a marriage between two people that is bound to ebb and flow like all relationships. You grow as people, you experience different things, stress, loss, hardship - if you go into this expecting to 'deserve' to be romanced and in true love 100% of the time or your husband isn't worth your time and you should leave how are you not setting yourself and your spouse up to fail? Marriage is about being happy together, truly happy, but picking each other back up through the hard times, being there for each other even when things aren't 100% awesome - about going through life together and sharing this experience.

I never said that you were superficial, nor your marriage. I said that the happiness you are describing seems superficial to me, and I think it is sad that you feel you had to do all the changing to make your marriage a happy and successful one - as though any and all problems that caused you to hate someone were actually down to you and your own faults.

GilliC

@RachelG4625, I did all the changing in my marriage too. I learned how to let go of all the things that hurt me and made me feel bad, so that I could be happy. And it kept us together for many years.

But then H found new things to be upset about, because I had "fixed" all the old ones. And I fixed those. And he found new ones. Eventually I realized that there was no way I could keep reinventing myself every time he came up with something new that was bothering him, because it wasn't me. It was him. He wasn't happy, and he kept trying to come up with reasons why.

I hope for your sake that he really was self-aware enough to be able to pinpoint exactly what was upsetting him (without any professional help, no less). Otherwise, you may be facing a lifelong challenge.