I think my marriage is over.

sassass

Next week is our 4 year anniversary and I think it's time to call it quits. We have had some issues over the last couple of years that probably bought us to this point. My in laws are assholes and ever since our daughter was born, she is 2 and a half, they had been nothing but disrespectful and just plain evil, well we stopped talking to them and haven't had any contact with them in over a year. This stress combined with our marital problems have been hard to get past. Right after we had our daughter we started fighting all the time and that's when the divorce talk started.. DH is selfish and is an asshole most of the time and is always trying to put me down. I thought maybe we could go to counseling and work past this but before we could get to that point I started becoming less and less attracted to him physically and emotionally. The thought of being with him physically makes me cringe and everything he does annoys me. It has just gotten to that point where I don't think anything can save it. Everyday I find myself having to fight back the desire to end the marriage and it's like we're forcing something to work. Because of my daughter I really wanted to find a way to make it work but it's just becoming so unhealthy for me that I don't think I can continue on. Anyone been in this position or similar? Thanks for taking the time to read this. 

TarponMonoxide

sassass said:

Next week is our 4 year anniversary and I think it's time to call it quits. We have had some issues over the last couple of years that probably bought us to this point.

 My in laws are assholes and ever since our daughter was born, she is 2 and a half, they had been nothing but disrespectful and just plain evil, well we stopped talking to them and haven't had any contact with them in over a year.

Why have they been such louses?

And when this mess began, why didn't your H nip it in the bud and get them to cut it out???


This stress combined with our marital problems have been hard to get past. Right after we had our daughter we started fighting all the time and that's when the divorce talk started..

What was happening here?

If you had marital problems, the very last thing you needed to do was bring a child into the picture.  Not fair to the kiddo and having a child does NOT magically clear up all the problems that preexisted.

DH is selfish and is an asshole most of the time and is always trying to put me down. I thought maybe we could go to counseling and work past this but before we could get to that point I started becoming less and less attracted to him physically and emotionally.

Did you approach him with the subject of counseling? if so, what happened?

The thought of being with him physically makes me cringe and everything he does annoys me. It has just gotten to that point where I don't think anything can save it.

You needed to talk to him the second the problem began: who wants to walk on eggs and who wants to live in an environment like this one? it is also not a good one for your child.

Everyday I find myself having to fight back the desire to end the marriage and it's like we're forcing something to work. Because of my daughter I really wanted to find a way to make it work but it's just becoming so unhealthy for me that I don't think I can continue on. Anyone been in this position or similar? Thanks for taking the time to read this. 

Tomorrow without delay:

Sit down with him and tell him "We need counseling because of A, B and C. You are to attend; it is mandatory."

If he refuses, don't give him a snowball's chance in Hades. The problems won't be rectifiable at that point. It also shows me that he doesn't care about you and the kiddo and that he has emotionally checked out of the marriage.

PrincessVegan

 "The thought of being with him physically makes me cringe and everything he does annoys me. "

If OP is already disgusted with him then tomorrow requires a trip to city hall in my opinion. 

doeydo

You need to have a divorce.  Staying in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship is not making a good environment for your child nor is it a good example for her.  

TarponMonoxide

More or less offer him the option of getting to work on your marriage. And indeed say attendance is mandatory.

If he says no, you go.  Protect your assets, see an attorney to get child support and visitation worked out and when all of that is ready, file.

Don't let your child be exposed to a bad environment. Nobody wants or needs a husband who has no respect for his wife, let alone have a father who has no respect for the mother of his child.

+just+j+

sassass said:

 Anyone been in this position or similar? Thanks for taking the time to read this. 

Yep. Divorced now and very happy.

I too had a child that's your little one's age.  She is much happier too. 

Lawyer up and file.

bluebird1109

Yes, I have been in this position. For me, once the attraction was gone and I felt physically ill just letting him give me a quick kiss, that was it for me. I do not think that counseling will bring you back from that. That is just my opinion. If you really love him, you can try to go before officially calling it quits...but don't stay together just for the sake of your child. You and your child will be unhappy. My girlfriend went through the same thing with her ex husband and once she got out, she was so happy and the kids saw that and were much happier. She is now happily re-married, as am I. I would not change my decision for anything in the world. Good luck!

sassass

When we had our daughter we weren't having issues, sorry the paragraph I wrote isn't chronological. I would never had gotten pregnant if i had felt this way then, it was after we had her maybe 6 months after that all the fighting began and that his parents really showed us what assholes they were. 

At first DH thought I was being sensitive and that his parents weren't doing it on purpose once he realized what they were really doing he stopped it.

About a year after we had our daughter we were having issues and that put extra stress on our relationship. 

We've talked about counseling but i just think we are at a point were even if we wanted to work things out we have both become different people and just aren't good together anymore. 

sassass

financial issues*

Leftie22

Without knowing everything that's going on, it's hard to give any advice, because of course you know best what your relationship feels like. But I've also had inlaw issues and money issues (in part stemming from the inlaw issues) that affected my marriage, and I also have a toddler. I know that for me, struggling with all this stuff at once, and being a new parent was really, really stressful, and definitely affected how I saw my DH. But we went to financial and couples counselling, and things have drastically improved. (We also moved miles and miles away from his family, which also helps!) I'm just saying, since it sounds like your relationship was good until recently, are you sure that it's totally dead, or could it survive if you got the right support? I only say this because you seemed to be fine until you had a triple-whammy of hard times. That would put stress on anyone, and make them feel not-so-keen on life. But again, if your DH is all of a sudden a huge jerk, and shows no sign of wanting to work on it, you know what's best for you. Just playing devils advocate here because I know how much that kind of turmoil made me hate my whole life. But I have a good DH who wanted to improve things and was willing to move away to give our relationship a decent chance. And I empathize - terrible inlaws are hell to deal with, especially when they're good at maintaining a sweet exterior. Mine are pros at that, so it was hard for me to get my DH to see what they were doing, too. Good luck, whatever you decide!

sassass

Thanks for that advice Leftie22. I have thought about this too but i feel like even on our good days when things are good I feel like we're friends/roommates. It's not so much that we need financial counseling, DH has always been great with finance it's just things that happened that put us in a bad situation. I went to law school, we moved and DH left his good job and i did one semester in law school and it didn't work out so we struggled after that so he's always held it against me and I don't think he knows how to let that go. Also we live in a different state from our in laws now but they still try to get into our lives, but we just ignore them. I just feel like we're not right for each other  anymore. I know that deep down he is a good guy we just don't go well together anymore. If that makes any sense? We have pretty much already decided that we are going to split but we are waiting until we get our finances in order so it is a clean slate as much as possible. We have talked about it and we are going to try to mediate this and hopefully not have to make it any worse. 

Leftie22

sassass said:

Thanks for that advice Leftie22. I have thought about this too but i feel like even on our good days when things are good I feel like we're friends/roommates. It's not so much that we need financial counseling, DH has always been great with finance it's just things that happened that put us in a bad situation. I went to law school, we moved and DH left his good job and i did one semester in law school and it didn't work out so we struggled after that so he's always held it against me and I don't think he knows how to let that go. Also we live in a different state from our in laws now but they still try to get into our lives, but we just ignore them. I just feel like we're not right for each other  anymore. I know that deep down he is a good guy we just don't go well together anymore. If that makes any sense? We have pretty much already decided that we are going to split but we are waiting until we get our finances in order so it is a clean slate as much as possible. We have talked about it and we are going to try to mediate this and hopefully not have to make it any worse. 

Well it sounds like you're making a well-thought-out decision, and it's smart for you to get a mediator and keep things as civil as possible, especially for your daughter's sake. It sucks when things don't work out the way we thought they would, but life is too precious to spend being miserable. I'm sorry you're having tough times. Good luck with everything, I hope it goes as smoothly as possible.

Dreamergirl8812

Can you try separation?

CitrusLove

Part of Marriage is taking the good with the bad, the sweet with the sour. Not putting up with abuse, of course. But--as someone who has been with her husband for 9 years (4 years dated, 5 married) I can tell you that what really helped as LEARNING to communicate better and not just wanting to stay together when it was fun and we were in good moods because that part is easy. It's the working through the not so easy parts that makes you a stronger couple as a rule. I would suggest you try counseling before deciding the fate of your marriage. You may be surprised to find out that you both have a right to be angry with the other, and that you both may even still be in love with each other as well. Your judgment can be clouded when it involves family too. Marriage isn't meant to serve any one person, it's a growing process. It's easy to just throw in the towel and call it quits when you're hurt or angry. I highly suggest counseling so that you two can have a professional mediator tell you the truth without involving a family member or friend as the judge, because someone who knows you and only your side or knows him and only his side will surely take sides and as the old saying goes "Never do your dirty laundry in public." If you want a sacred, trusting marriage...you both have to keep outside opinions where they belong...outside. Best wishes to you both. Much love.

CitrusLove

Another thing...if counseling is hard because of any financial issues, there are always other options. There are churches or other organized marriage counseling groups around. I highly suggest you look into it any way you know how. Talking in a group with other couples might help you to understand that you're not alone, and might even make you two realize you're better off than you think!

sassass

Thanks for all of the suggestions ladies. We were going to try a separation a couple of months ago but we decided against it for a reason that now I can't remember. Financially now we are in a much better situation so it's not the money on why we haven't done counseling. We talked about it in hopes of saving our marriage but i honestly feel like it would be pointless and just drag this out. i just don't feel like i love him the way a wife should love her husband anymore. I care about him and will always love him as a person and because he is the father of my daughter but i just don't feel that romantic love that is necessary. We definitely want to mediate this as much as possible because we want to remain friends after all of this so we can co-parent the best we can. 

TarponMonoxide

sassass said:

Thanks for all of the suggestions ladies. We were going to try a separation a couple of months ago but we decided against it for a reason that now I can't remember. Financially now we are in a much better situation so it's not the money on why we haven't done counseling. We talked about it in hopes of saving our marriage but i honestly feel like it would be pointless and just drag this out. i just don't feel like i love him the way a wife should love her husband anymore. I care about him and will always love him as a person and because he is the father of my daughter but i just don't feel that romantic love that is necessary. We definitely want to mediate this as much as possible because we want to remain friends after all of this so we can co-parent the best we can. 

Somebody I know is divorced and she still has to keep in touch with her xH because they had minor kids at the time.

She said she gets along better with him now, after they have been divorced.  They got divorced 15 years ago.

Their youngest is now about 21. He still pays for her apartment -- he paid for her apartment in lieu of child support, since she was living there with the kids; it was a better deal for them all. 

Her youngest is still in college; he's got 2 more years to go.  She will probably be in that apartment courtesy of the xH  once the youngest kid graduates and gets a job.

MariaBend25

Go to counseling, you had a lot of stressors (in laws, new baby, finances) that strained your marriage. Your husband even stood up for you over his parents. The reason you don't feel attracted to him is because of all the issues you are having and women need to feel compassion from their spouse in order to feel desire. I would read the book, "His Needs, her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marrige" because it explains this concept really well. You guys got off track, and counseling can put you back on track. Marriage is not easy, and it will never be a walk in the park, so don't give up at the first signs of trouble. Figure out what is the root of the issues, and work to fix them. You might be surprised at how quickly your marriage can rekindle if you are both invested in saving the relationship. If one of you is not committed to saving the marriage then there is nothing more you can do. Get counseling, through a church or the pastor who married you (it is cheaper), before it is too late.

cloudymeatballs

Marriage vows.  Thru better or worse, sickness and health, in good times and bad.  This is one thing I feel people really don't think about.  I am all for everyone being happy and in love, but there will be horrible times.    If you two can get thru these tough times it will make you stronger, I believe.  Marriage will go thru lots of things.  There will be times you two are in love, and times where you cannot stand each other.  It is very easy to throw in the towel and say screw it.  I feel that marriage, you should do whatever it takes to make it work.  One thing I do remember my Mom telling me, she has been married to my Dad for 45 years.  She told me things will not always be easy, you may not always feel the love for your H, especially when you have kids, life is so busy and you don't always have time for each other but you can get thru it.  She also told me that she went a month of not really talking with him because he had made her so mad.  I asked her why, she doesn't even remember, but she also said they got thru whatever it was and they are great.  They still love each other after that long. They both have told me, marriage is work.  It will be times when you two are growing, and you do change over time a bit, that is when you work together and make it work.  Only you though can do what you feel I right.  Your choice of course and you will make whatever decision is right for you guys.  But just think about it before giving up on it.