Drinking :(

sbusic

Im in some serious need of GOOD advice! (bare with me as I need to explain my story) My husband and I were together for 3 years before getting engaged, then we were engaged for 3 years before getting married. We've been married for about a year and half; he didn't use to drink but about 2 years before getting married he moved to AZ to go to school and get a degree (we lived apart). Of course the guys he befriended drank which gave him an open door. After graduating he found his dream job and we moved to CO. After 1.5 years at the new job the shop closed down and he was laid off, we struggled for about 6 months till he started at his new job (which is much better). During our 6 month struggle he worked at a liquor store for 3 months...which is when the problem really started. He was spending $$$ every month in booze and finally I had enough and we had a full out fight about it. I threated to put him in AA, as much as he drank it wasnt a matter of him being "drunk" but rather the amount could not be healthy and the pocketbook was really being strained. He realized his problem and said he would stop, well that lasted till he got the new job (the good job) but I think he felt cause he was making better money he could afford the habit again I let it go for a while until my patience reached it's threshold and got into it again, he threw his debt card at me and said, "There now I cant use it". I did hold it for a while but I told him that's not how I wanted to do things, I should be able to trust him and not manage him like a teenager. We made an agreement about 2 months ago to only purchase and consume alcohol on the weekends (unless special occasions). Over the last 3 weeks he has been pushing the envelope yet once again; buying it on a thursday and saying that he will give up a weekend day (which never happens). We recently had some large purchases as well as an unexpected visit to the ER (which is very costly). This last pay period I told him NO MORE extra spending till we get paid cause we were going to have only enough for bills and gas. Well he had bought a LARGE vodka bottle and said that would last him the 2 weeks (which I knew wouldnt happen becuase I knew he was going to drink it everyday) SURE ENOUGH he's been drinking it every day...so it lasted him a week and just last night he bought more vodka and I confronted him calmly and asked him why he kept doing this and that it needs to stop. He said he would try......I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to make a change. Any advice would be appreciated.

Leftie22

He definitely has a problem if he can't stick to an agreement, especially if your money is tight and he can't stop himself from buying another bottle. Is he drinking every day by himself? I understand that part of the problem is the money he's wasting, but I think the bigger problem is the dependence he obviously has. That is worthy of AA in my opinion, because it's not the amount that matters, it's the motivation for drinking and his inability to stop even though it's causing problems. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to make him change. He knows it's a problem, so he needs to get help. If he won't, you might be faced with a difficult decision. Addiction is awful, and I'm sorry you're having this issue. Don't ignore it, and don't let him just keep doing what he's doing. If he can't stick to your agreement and budget, there have to be consequences. Get help for yourself, and tell him you're serious about him getting help as well. This is one that could get out of control really quickly.

TarponMonoxide

sbusic said:

Im in some serious need of GOOD advice! (bare with me as I need to explain my story) My husband and I were together for 3 years before getting engaged, then we were engaged for 3 years before getting married.

 We've been married for about a year and half; he didn't use to drink but about 2 years before getting married he moved to AZ to go to school and get a degree (we lived apart). Of course the guys he befriended drank which gave him an open door.

He needed to find different friends. But nothing he can do about it now, except get rid of the friends and put a handle on his drinking.

After graduating he found his dream job and we moved to CO. After 1.5 years at the new job the shop closed down and he was laid off, we struggled for about 6 months till he started at his new job (which is much better). During our 6 month struggle he worked at a liquor store for 3 months...which is when the problem really started. He was spending $$$ every month in booze and finally I had enough and we had a full out fight about it.

I threated to put him in AA, as much as he drank it wasnt a matter of him being "drunk" but rather the amount could not be healthy and the pocketbook was really being strained.

Here is the thing:

You cannot threaten to put somebody in AA, nor can you threaten him with AA.  He has to go because he realizes he has a problem, otherwise it is all for naught.

He realized his problem and said he would stop, well that lasted till he got the new job (the good job) but I think he felt cause he was making better money he could afford the habit again

This is NOT wise thinking. It's pretty juvenile.

I let it go for a while until my patience reached it's threshold and got into it again, he threw his debt card at me and said, "There now I cant use it".

He needed to get himself to AA, simply because he has a problem with alcohol.

I do not know if he is a full blown alcoholic -- the fact remains that he has a problem with booze, inasmuch as that there is peer pressure, plus he is drinking a tad too much AND there is the fact that the drinking is already causing you and he to argue over it.

He needs to go to AA for this reason.

And if he doesn't, you tell him you're leaving.

His drinking can escalate into full blown alcoholism.  He needs help in getting it under control before it happens.

I did hold it for a while but I told him that's not how I wanted to do things, I should be able to trust him and not manage him like a teenager. We made an agreement about 2 months ago to only purchase and consume alcohol on the weekends (unless special occasions).

Nope. he needs to get to AA, not drink only on special occasions

Over the last 3 weeks he has been pushing the envelope yet once again; buying it on a thursday and saying that he will give up a weekend day (which never happens). We recently had some large purchases as well as an unexpected visit to the ER (which is very costly). This last pay period I told him NO MORE extra spending till we get paid cause we were going to have only enough for bills and gas. Well he had bought a LARGE vodka bottle and said that would last him the 2 weeks (which I knew wouldnt happen becuase I knew he was going to drink it everyday) SURE ENOUGH he's been drinking it every day...so it lasted him a week and just last night he bought more vodka and I confronted him calmly and asked him why he kept doing this and that it needs to stop. He said he would try......I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to make a change. Any advice would be appreciated.

AA for him and STAT.

I think it has come down to the point where you need to tell him, "Honey, I love you but not the drinking. It's either the alcohol or me; if you choose ME, you will need to get to AA and get a sponsor. This is no questions asked; choose NOW."

And if he does not choose AA immediately, you choose the door.

Get yourself to AlAnon, also.  You can't live your life under a sword of Damocles.

TarponMonoxide

Leftie22 said:

He definitely has a problem if he can't stick to an agreement, especially if your money is tight and he can't stop himself from buying another bottle. Is he drinking every day by himself? I understand that part of the problem is the money he's wasting, but I think the bigger problem is the dependence he obviously has. That is worthy of AA in my opinion, because it's not the amount that matters, it's the motivation for drinking and his inability to stop even though it's causing problems. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to make him change. He knows it's a problem, so he needs to get help. If he won't, you might be faced with a difficult decision. Addiction is awful, and I'm sorry you're having this issue. Don't ignore it, and don't let him just keep doing what he's doing. If he can't stick to your agreement and budget, there have to be consequences. Get help for yourself, and tell him you're serious about him getting help as well. This is one that could get out of control really quickly.

All of this.

His immaturity is a big problem here, too: he's also manipulating you.

Think about what I said -- where you tell him "it's the booze or me; choose now" and then you having him choose the door if he does NOT pick you and then pick up a phone and get to AA immediately.

If he goes to AA and gets a sponsor: bear in mind that he will be on thin ice with vulnerability and sobriety -- he will be newly trying to get sober and clean. It's touch and go in the very early stages.

And it will also be a day to day battle with the bottle, even if he becomes clean and sober. His addiction will also be more or less your addiction, since you and he are a couple.

He may also fall off the wagon. He may do so repeatedly. Or he may not fall off the wagon at all.

You will have to make choices here -- and choices that will benefit you.  You cannot stay with him while he is actively drinking. That's hands down and that's a given.

Get to AlAnon.

And dropping into AA yourself and speaking to a sponsor will do you more than a world of good.

Wishing you luck.

VOR

Leftie22 said:

He definitely has a problem if he can't stick to an agreement, especially if your money is tight and he can't stop himself from buying another bottle. Is he drinking every day by himself? I understand that part of the problem is the money he's wasting, but I think the bigger problem is the dependence he obviously has. That is worthy of AA in my opinion, because it's not the amount that matters, it's the motivation for drinking and his inability to stop even though it's causing problems. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to make him change. He knows it's a problem, so he needs to get help. If he won't, you might be faced with a difficult decision. Addiction is awful, and I'm sorry you're having this issue. Don't ignore it, and don't let him just keep doing what he's doing. If he can't stick to your agreement and budget, there have to be consequences. Get help for yourself, and tell him you're serious about him getting help as well. This is one that could get out of control really quickly.

Ditto all of this. 

And YOU need to do some soul searching.  Is this a dealbreaker?  Figure that out.  To a degree, you've been putting your head in the sand over what is a real problem.  Ignoring it obviously doesn't make it go away.

Oh, and you don't mention kids.  Dont' know what your plans are there, but please, DO NOT make any plans to get PG in the foreseeable future.  a child absolutely will not change him either. 

lisa2008boo

He needs to stop all together he has a problem and clearly a little here and a little there is not working out he can't handle it. People who drink usually have a bigger reason behind their drinking that they aren't dealing with. So marriage counseling might be what you need to get that sorted out. It might not even have anything to do with you it could be something from his childhood he is holding onto. Either way you need to start talking with someone and working through this. There is a stigma attached to marriage counseling that if you do it you are going to get a divorce. The reality is people who wait until they are almost about to get a divorce have waited to long. If there is an issue in your marriage it is no different than with your health you need to get it looked at by a professional right away waiting only makes things worse. 

TarponMonoxide

VOR said:

Leftie22 said:

He definitely has a problem if he can't stick to an agreement, especially if your money is tight and he can't stop himself from buying another bottle. Is he drinking every day by himself? I understand that part of the problem is the money he's wasting, but I think the bigger problem is the dependence he obviously has. That is worthy of AA in my opinion, because it's not the amount that matters, it's the motivation for drinking and his inability to stop even though it's causing problems. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to make him change. He knows it's a problem, so he needs to get help. If he won't, you might be faced with a difficult decision. Addiction is awful, and I'm sorry you're having this issue. Don't ignore it, and don't let him just keep doing what he's doing. If he can't stick to your agreement and budget, there have to be consequences. Get help for yourself, and tell him you're serious about him getting help as well. This is one that could get out of control really quickly.

Ditto all of this. 

And YOU need to do some soul searching.  Is this a dealbreaker?  Figure that out.  To a degree, you've been putting your head in the sand over what is a real problem.  Ignoring it obviously doesn't make it go away.

Oh, and you don't mention kids.  Dont' know what your plans are there, but please, DO NOT make any plans to get PG in the foreseeable future.  a child absolutely will not change him either. 

Don't bring a child into a home where one of the parents has a drinking problem.

The child will also be predisposed to addictions and addictive situations, thanks to his father.