Should I stay or should I go? It's long!

TMILLER45

DH and I have been married for 4 years. I have older brothers who never like DH from the beginning and I wanted to prove them wrong. I really loved DH but feel like I'm falling out of love with him now. Before we got married I know he smoked pot but never realized how much till we moved in together after the wedding....he promised he would stop. Then we got pregnant with DD and from my knowledge he wasn't smoking. While being pregnant we bought a house ( with help from my family) I started to notice his strange behavior of falling asleep all the time all day long. DD was born and I realized and found DH was taking prescription pills..Xanax and vicodin. He was all over the place with these pills and would not stop despite fights all the time over them. I left him for 2 days to make him realize I'm serious about not putting up with that crap. My family knew if his issues bc they witnessed his strange behavior during the holidays. He went to an out patient drug counseling center for 3 months when he decided to quit. He seemed to be fine for a couple of months until I started to smell the pot again. He promised he was only smoking pot and not taking pills. I became pregnant again with DD#2. We were getting into fights again because of his smoking...then one day I found a vicodin in his pocket.. I flipped out and once again moved out but this time or 3 months since our house was being fixed due to hurricane sandy. I moved into my fathers house since he had just passed away the previous month (my mom also passed away 6yrs ago) DH begged to get me back...we wentbto counseling for 2 months and he promised once again to stop his drug habits. My family was very supportive of me during the time we were separated and helped me with DD. They were upset when I decided to go back with my DH once again. Its been 3 months since living back together in our own home and he's already back to smoking pot. He hates my brothers and wants nothing to do with them (even though my brother and sis in law watch both of my daughters 3x a week for free) I'm just so over the broken promises..the drugs...DH manipulating me making me feel sorry for helping my brothers when they need something (which is not often) I'm just tryingnto stick it out for my daughters but I feel like I'm living with a room-mate not a husband. We don't touch, we haven't been intimate in a veryyy long time...I actually cringe when he rarely tries to kiss me because of all the resentment I have towards him. I just can't seem to take that leap and call an attorney! DD is 2 and is in love with her daddy and those 3 months we were apart would scream evetytime he would leave after coming over to visit her..it was heartbreaking. I just feel like we've both been holding onto something that's not there...I'm trying to keep my family together but when do you know enough is enough!?

doeydo

Go. 

artbyallie

OMFG, why is this even a question???

Sillygirl45

Really? There's a question here? 

You made a poor choice, then you had two children with this poor choice. 

Your child doesn't need to be screaming when her father leaves. There are better ways to teach her to cope. 

Please get help for yourself and your children. 

You also need parenting skills that will help you deal with this situation. There are free classes through the county (in most cases) and many books you can order online. Google it.

None of this is easy, but you must put your children first. Be glad you have the support of your family. So many don't.

Leftie22

Do you think your husband is a good role model for your kids? Do you want them around drugs and a father who isn't sober? He is NOT a safe person for them to be around. Would you ever trust him to take care of the kids, drive them places (possibly while on drugs) and teach them right from wrong? I don't think so. You're not doing your girls any favors by staying with this guy. Get out and get all of yourselves into a safe, healthy environment.

TMILLER45

Thank you....I appreciate your responses. Obviously I wanted to be the reason DH would change and it's just not happening. I know the right thing to do is get a divorce but is just hard to make that phone call. I'm going to have to find the courage and do it this week.

Leftie22

TMILLER45 said:

Thank you....I appreciate your responses. Obviously I wanted to be the reason DH would change and it's just not happening. I know the right thing to do is get a divorce but is just hard to make that phone call. I'm going to have to find the courage and do it this week.

Do you have a close friend or family member who you could confide in that you want to start divorce proceedings, and who could help you? Even if they were just there to help you find someone to call and stay with you after, it would probably help a lot. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like you're making the right choice, and things can only get better for you and your girls. Good luck.

TarponMonoxide

Prescription pills, you say?

Time for you to tell him "I will not stay married to a druggie; time for you to leave."

Drug use is a dealbreaker.

Don't settle for being married to a drug user.

And get yourself to AlAnon; tha'ts a must.

Don't let your kids grow up in a home where there is drug addiction and drug use.

Enough was enough once you found out he was using pills. That's when enough was enough.

CitrusLove

First of all, my heart goes out to you as none of this is easy for anyone to go through--especially with children. You sound like a loving mother, but you don't sound like you know how to love yourself at all. That can be a problem because that means you subject yourself to putting up with much more than you should. Yes, it is good to support your husband through good times and bad---you vow to do this for EACH OTHER when you marry. However---If after counseling, and constant drug rehab, he is not willing to do as he has been guided in counseling, and if this is still affecting your marriage...you might want to reconsider all in the long haul. Where do you see this going? Where do you want this to go? Aside from the obvious, write down some realistic goals regarding the situation and write down any improvements you might be able to contribute on your end. Here's the thing...Growing up, my father was not into drugs etc. But he was very controlling. My parents marriage was NOT healthy. My mom had three children and realized that she had a few options. She could stay here and divorce my dad and allow herself a happier lifestyle and become a calmer mother while we visited my father as much as he wanted us with him just living a few miles away, she could either move out of state with us kids (we were crazy about my father) and do 100% what made her happy, or she could stay in an unhappy marriage and allow us kids to learn from the example of our parents staying together unhappily what to expect in a future relationship (remember you are setting the example to your daughters of what they should put up with from a spouse because they look up to you and if they see their number one, Mommy, settling for neglect...they will believe it is okay for them too regardless of you telling them they deserve better.) I know it was a hard decision for her because she ultimately chose the best one for us kids and it was still a better one for her. She and my dad lived in different houses, and we still had both mom and dad down the street as much as we needed them. There were awful , horrible fights. But at the end of the day, we kids learned to look at the upsides....our parents weren't happy together. And they both moved on. Sure, it was chaotic through the years, but we learned that my parents both just wanted to be good parents to us. They were both hurt by the divorce but they were hurt worse living together. I don't believe anyone can answer the question on what you can do, except for yourself. But you have to trust the truth and go with it. It won't be easy. Divorce, especially with children, is never easy. And neither is a bitter marriage. But I would suggest seeking counsel again, and listen to the advice you're both given and take it to heart. Trust your gut, and make the decision you know will be best in the long run. You are stronger than you think. Your girls need you. They also need a father. But that part is up to him to contribute, you are not his mother. You sound like you are a supportive spouse, and I commend you for doing your part. Hoping you find peace in your heart soon no matter what you choose. Much love.

CitrusLove

By the way, I also meant to contribute that having bad behaviors around your daughters is hard enough...but having drugs around them/someone carrying them (even if secretly) is absolutely unacceptable and illegal. So do your girls a favor...you know what is best for them even if you're afraid to act on it. It will benefit them in the long run.

doeydo

TMILLER45 said:

Thank you....I appreciate your responses. Obviously I wanted to be the reason DH would change and it's just not happening. I know the right thing to do is get a divorce but is just hard to make that phone call. I'm going to have to find the courage and do it this week.

Addicts don't and can't change for other people.  They have to do it for themselves and only once they hit rock bottom.  Some people never get clean and sober.  Please, this is not a good environment for your children to be in.  Move out and stay with a friend for now or kick his ass out.  Call a lawyer and tell them you want to file for divorce.  

TarponMonoxide

Bad enough he predisposed your kiddoes to addictions.:(

Get rid of him posthaste. Life with a druggie is no life at all --- a drug addict will bankrupt you, also, both financially and emotionally.

TMILLER45

I feel emotionally exhausted from giving him so many chances to get his life together. He just keeps letting me down and I look like such a fool to my family and friends giving him all these chances to change when they all warned me that he wouldn't. I have everything going for me...a career, I have retirement taking care of, a house that my father helped us get, supportive family and friends that would do anything for me. He needs me more than I need him.

Leftie22

TMILLER45 said:

I feel emotionally exhausted from giving him so many chances to get his life together. He just keeps letting me down and I look like such a fool to my family and friends giving him all these chances to change when they all warned me that he wouldn't. I have everything going for me...a career, I have retirement taking care of, a house that my father helped us get, supportive family and friends that would do anything for me. He needs me more than I need him.

Can you imagine how much happier you would be if you were with someone who ALSO had their life together, and was responsible, reliable, and ready to be an involved, loving, sober parent? You deserve the chance to be with someone who is more your equal. It's hard to leave someone who we know isn't doing well, but he is failing despite all your help, so you know you can't be the solution for him. Instead, save yourself and your kids. What happens to him is up to him. It's time to cut him loose and let him take care of himself. Your kids are true dependents, they truly need you and can't get by without you. Take care of them first. Be strong! Wishing you luck.

Disneygeek77

If you stay you are willingly choosing a life of misery for you and your children.

Please have the courage to choose a better life for them and yourself.

Have you talked to an attorney yet ?

JillShari

Are you trying to teach your girls to find a husband/boyfriend just like their Daddy???  I promise that they will model your relationship someday and I know you would hate to see that happen to them.

Besides the guilt of your daughter crying... is there any other reason to stay???

If you are miserable, then your girls will be/are.  They aren't blind.  They know something is wrong.

Run.... go through all the crappy stuff now while they are little and get to a healthier place.... and they will love you later for it.

magsugar13

Your husband is an addict. Staying puts your children in danger. Can you feel ok with leaving  children in his care? Is this a good role model for them?

 

I can not believe your marriage counseling didn't suggest rehab for him and alanon for you.

so very odd

vlagrl29

magsugar13 said:

Your husband is an addict. Staying puts your children in danger. Can you feel ok with leaving  children in his care? Is this a good role model for them?

 

I can not believe your marriage counseling didn't suggest rehab for him and alanon for you.

so very odd

Did you really tell the counselor about his drug problems?  My guess is no.  You can't fix your marriage problems unless you get the drugs out of the way first.  Trust me I know.  I made the mistake of not telling our marriage counselor with my first DH about his drug problems, he had scared me into not telling him.  I should have known better and not been scared.  My advice is to get out now and run very far away from him.  This is a train wreck.  Get yourself some counseling. It's too bad you had kids with him.  I made sure I didn't make that mistake with my first marriage. When I realized my first DH didn't want to give up the drugs, I made sure we didn't have kids.

vlagrl29

Here is what helped me decide wether to leave or not.  Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of it.  In the first column list all the good things about your marriage, things you would miss if you left him.  In the second column list all the bad things about your marriage, things you would not miss at all.  After I made my list it was really clear to me what I needed to do.  I had maybe 3 good things and a whole page of bad things.  Several years later I came upon my list, I didn't even know I still had it.  I read thru it again and couldn't believe how I could have put up with the shit for so long.