Helping a Groomsman?

cbooker8912

Hi everybody.. my bestfriend from home is having some problems. Zach is a groomsman in our wedding in 2015. He went straight to the Marines after we graduated high school, and was medically discharged. Since he's been out, he hasn't been able to find a good paying, steady job. He now has two kids, one of which he didn't find out about until the child was almost 2, a few months ago. Without a job, he's lost his license,  and is currently serving 30 days in jail for nonpayment.  His roommates moved out of the apartment when he went to jail, so he lost all of his stuff.

 FHubz and I talked, and we are bringing him up to Columbus to stay with us. We live in a 1 bedroom kinda large apartment,  so he would be taking over the living room. All three of us have had roommates before, but not while hubz and I have been together. Does that change things? Any advice would be great.. from roommate advice, to child support (he doesnt even know where the second child is and has never seen him. But the child was tested, and its his. Supposedly the child calls another man dad, so Zach is thinking about signing over his rights.) I know nothing about that, or how to help him. How does he get his license back? How do you pay child support? To the courts? And how do we add another person to our household? Is it a good idea to all gonin on food and bills together? Once he gets hired, is asking him to pay a third of the expenses too much?

Help us please

WendyGR

This sounds like a disaster in the making. Are there any nonprofit organizations that can help with free or low cost legal advice? How about helping him get a job? I would be hesitant to move him in because it sounds like he is not very reliable, and in the long run it would be better for him to learn to stand on his own two feet. You don't want to end up resenting him because you have no alone time with your FI or you and your FI are pulling all the weight financially while he goes and spends his money on who knows what. 

ohpagrl

I have to agree with the PP. I wouldn't move him in, but you can certainly support him in other ways.

Also, you need to understand that there are things that don't make sense. You may know more details than you're saying, but if you don't, there is more to this than meets the eye. A 'medical discharge' from the Marines ~ does he have some sort of chronic mental illness? If so, is he taking his meds? 

Secondly, one doesn't typically lose a driver's license because they are unemployed. So, what is that really all about? 

Lastly, it also seems pretty unreasonable that he is in jail for 30 days for "nonpayment" (I'm assuming child support?) if he's unemployed. He should have been able to make notification that he had no income. Can't get blood from a stone.

As for the roommate thing where there is a couple and a third wheel, and there isn't even a second bedroom ~ no go! Personally, I couldn't tolerate that, as either party.

Good luck with what you decide, but it doesn't seem like a good plan to move him into your home.

EastCoastBride

ohpagrl said:

Secondly, one doesn't typically lose a driver's license because they are unemployed. So, what is that really all about? 

Lastly, it also seems pretty unreasonable that he is in jail for 30 days for "nonpayment" (I'm assuming child support?) if he's unemployed. He should have been able to make notification that he had no income. Can't get blood from a stone.

Yeah, these two things really stood out.  If this is what HE told YOU, he's lying.

Honestly, this has "want to ruin a friendship?  Then let him move in!" written all over it. 

TarponMonoxide

cbooker8912 said:

Hi everybody.. my bestfriend from home is having some problems. Zach is a groomsman in our wedding in 2015. He went straight to the Marines after we graduated high school, and was medically discharged. Since he's been out, he hasn't been able to find a good paying, steady job. He now has two kids, one of which he didn't find out about until the child was almost 2, a few months ago. Without a job, he's lost his license,  and is currently serving 30 days in jail for nonpayment.  His roommates moved out of the apartment when he went to jail, so he lost all of his stuff.

 FHubz and I talked, and we are bringing him up to Columbus to stay with us. We live in a 1 bedroom kinda large apartment,  so he would be taking over the living room. All three of us have had roommates before, but not while hubz and I have been together. Does that change things? Any advice would be great.. from roommate advice, to child support (he doesnt even know where the second child is and has never seen him. But the child was tested, and its his. Supposedly the child calls another man dad, so Zach is thinking about signing over his rights.) I know nothing about that, or how to help him. How does he get his license back? How do you pay child support? To the courts? And how do we add another person to our household? Is it a good idea to all gonin on food and bills together? Once he gets hired, is asking him to pay a third of the expenses too much?

Help us please

This is a disaster indeed.

Please do not include this gentleman in on your rooming arrangements.

You and your H need to say "Zach, we've cfhanged our minds. We have decided we do not want a roommate; we will be more than happy to assist you in your search for a place to live. THere's the YMCA and boardinghouses, since you are short on cash."

Nip this in the bud now. This is a gent who hasn't got responsibility; no way will he be able to pay you room and board. It is as simple as that.

Also it was way too early to start asking people into your bridal party. You should have waited until 6 months before the day.

They do not normally jail a parent for nonpayment of child support. Something else is up with that.

It would be a splendid idea to cool your friendship with this gent. This is trouble in the making.

Somebody also needs to talk to Ole Zach about the care and usage of birth control for men but ah I don't think it should be you and your H. Wow...already he's fathered 2 kiddoes; I would not be surprised if there are more in the lurch or in the making.

cbooker8912

Other Enforcement Methods - It is the responsibility of the CSEA administering the order to monitor payment of the obligation. If payment of the current obligation falls behind, there are a variety of measures to collect past-due support.
Examples of other measures that do not require court action include:

• Credit reporting
• Professional license suspension
• Increase in the amount of income withholding to pay arrears
• If the non-residential parent has no income or assets, the CSEA can get an order requiring the parent to seek work. 

If an individual fails to comply with a required action and enforcement by a court becomes necessary, the court can hold the person in contempt. Contempt penalties can increase with each offense and include fines and/or jail time or other remedies that the court finds appropriate. Some of the reasons a person can be cited for contempt are:

• Disobeying a judgment or order of the court
• Failure to obey a subpoena or refusal to answer as a witness
• Failure to appear in court as required
• Failure to submit to genetic testing
• Failure to comply with the provisions of a child support order

Child support can also be enforced by the use of criminal statutes. The state statute in Ohio provides for criminal penalties, including fines and/or a jail or prison sentence, depending on the length of time of the non-payment.

Federal law also provides for criminal non-support to be prosecuted, if certain criteria are present. For a misdemeanor federal offense, the non-payment must be willful, the obligation must be unpaid for at least one year or be greater than $5,000, and the offender and the child must reside in different states. Possible penalties for this offense include imprisonment for up to six months and/or a fine, and mandatory restitution of the total unpaid support obligation.

http://jfs.ohio.gov/ocs/OCSServices_Overview.stm

as you can see, yes, you can have your license taken away, and you can be locked up. Welcome to Ohio. 

R.Wilsonny

^ okay, but regardless, it would be a very BAD idea to have this guy move in with you guys.

You may have been roommates with him at one point before, and while that may have been okay at the time, obviously a lot has changed with this person from the first time you lived with him until now. Help him out all you want, but do not let him move in with you. This has disaster written all over it.

Don't do it. You will wind up regretting it.

Leftie22

I think having him move in will out a ton of stress and strain on your marriage. You would have no privacy, unless you want to hang out in your room all the time, and he won't even have a room to be alone in if he wants to. You and your DH are nice for wanting to help, but as PPs mentioned, there are many other ways to help. Also, if he was on a medical leave, is he physically and mentally able to work? Does he not get disability benefits? How would he contribute to the household if he did move in,a and how would you know when he'd be leaving? What if he doesn't find a job in a year, or more? Are you really willing to have a couch surfer until then? You must have a big heart, but it think you would regret this, and it could ruin your relationship with him, and your DH. Put yourself and your DH first, and find some other way to help him. Good luck!

ohpagrl

Those are not atypical instructions for child support, something you, in your first post seem to be unfamiliar with. My point is that in most states, there are ways for the person who owes the CS to contact the overseeing agency and not go into contempt when they have no documentable income. No one can blood from a stone, not even my home state of OH . Contempt is a blatant disregard for the order, and if he had followed the procedures, I'm sure he wouldn't be in contempt. 

Regardless, even if he is at no fault here, I wouldn't let him move in. I have no doubt that he needs support and help. The way you're proposing won't give him permanent help, will likely destroy your friendship, and I guarantee it will stress your life & finances tremendously.

TarponMonoxide

It's just not a good idea.

I am also pretty sure that he'll have a whole parade of ladyfriends that will move around in the rotation.

It is never a good idea to have anybody live with you -- I dont care how trustworthy or financially secure the person is. It's not a good idea; you need your privacy and you need to adjust to each other -- best done one on one and the presence of a roommate won't let it happen.

Sillygirl45

He has ignored his responsibilities. Not everyone who owes child support ends up in jail. He likely ignored court dates, opportunities to plead his case etc... This is irresponsibility. Not to mention procreating twice with no intention of being a father. The kid may be better off without him.

The statute also states the non payment must be willful...i.e. he knew better and ignored it. There is also nothing stating a driver license would be revoked. It states "Professional license suspension". Is he a doctor, lawyer, nurse, or dentist? That is a professional license. Not a drivers license. This dude is a liar.

The VA can help if he has medical issues. I doubt he can't get at least a minimum wage job. 

There are so many red flags here I can't even name them all. This is a disaster. He needs to be accountable for himself. He's lying to you. Do not get involved in this mess.

TarponMonoxide

Where exactly did you accumulate such an ecclectic friend?

You said this is a friend of yours? You would be wise to cool any type of a friendship with him, considering what's happening.

Maybride2

This will absolutely, without a doubt, ruin your friendship with him and very very likely ruin your relationship with your fiance.  Come 2015 all 3 of you will end up going your seperate ways after this.

Your friend sounds, at best, like someone who needs a LOT of support - more than you can give to him.......and at worse an irresponsible jerk.  He's got 2 illegitimate kids, one who he didn't even know about - so dude is obviously sleeping around. Do you think that this is going to miraculously change once he's living in the living room for your apartment?  He has no job and no money - how long are you and your fiance going to be happy supporting him?  And seriously - 3 adults in a 1 bedroom apartment means that NONE of you will ever, ever, ever have any shred of privacy.  You won't even be able to sit in YOUR living room, the one that YOU are paying for, without impeding on whatever he's doing.  You'll be relegated to your bedroom, which is going to get old quickly. 

But since you're likely going to ignore everyone and all of the red flags and move him on in anyway, good luck.  If I were you, I wouldn't be putting down any non-refundable deposits on wedding stuff though......that's only going to add insult to injury in a year when you're canceling everything.

cbooker8912

Wow.. ladies thats really harsh on him. We moved him in, within 4 days he is gainfully employed, transferring schools to finish his degree, and helping us with rent (a third of all bills in the house plus his own food) allowing us to save for the wedding. While I understand that from the outside it seems like a bad idea, its working out for us. Thanks for all your input!!

Maybride2

Please come back in 6 months and let us know how it's going!

avaross09

That's really great that things are working for you.
wish you a luck.