Engaged but have 'feelings' for another

dfw1964

Deleted by OP.

TarponMonoxide

Bearing that you have feelings for somebody else and you are not 100% on the bus with your FI for a committed life together, I suggest you call off the engagement and end the relationship with your FI...and then put dating ALL men on hold for at least a year after that.

You're in no shape to waltz off into the sunset with the other man, or with your FI.

dfw1964 said:

It is a very complicated situation. I love my FI very much, we have been together for 7 1/2 years, and I don't want to give up on our relationship. However, I have 'feelings' for another man too.

I am thinking you are in a comfort zone because you still have kids who are of minority.

My husband passed in 2005 when my children were young. Our son was 7 (almost 8), our daughter 18 months. I had known FI for a few years, he and my husband were friends. About a year after my husband passed I started seeing FI, and after a few months we decided to move in together.

You moved WAY too fast with this gentleman. You needed to take your time and not involve the kids in the relationship until a good chunk of time elapsed.


 He is the only father my daughter remembers ever having in her life. She is excited that we are 'getting married'. I love him very much, but do not want to break his heart by telling him that I have feelings for someone else as well.

So in other words, this is now a relationship built on pity and condescendingness, not one based on love and mutual trust.

Sorry; please do NOT marry your FI. Call off the wedding pronto.

The other guy is actually his cousin, and tells me that I need to stay with FI because even if I wasn't with him we could not be together, no matter how much he loves me.

This is already peculiar as it gets.  Why "can't" you be together??? is he married or firmly ensconced with somebody?

Cousin could also be playing a cute little mind game with you. This is creepy and vulgar: end contact with Cousin today.

All the more reason why you need to end any type of contact with FI's cousin. Something is lacking in your relationship with your FI. There's not much of a connection with FI, let alone a strong bond that fully commits you to your FI.

We have never done anything outside of talking, but there is just this connection. I don't want to tear my kids away from this 'father'. They already lost one in this lifetime, and that is more than I would wish on anyone.

Here is where you need to woman up and do the right thing.

You do not marry a man based on "oh gee, the kids love him and he is a father to them..."  This is not fair to that man and it isn't fair to your kids.

As an aside, my brother and I lost our father at a very young age; I was 8 and he was 7.  We didn't have a father figure as we were growing up.

And at this point I don't want to throw away a 7 1/2 year relationship, but I do not feel it is right for me to marry this man. I don't think it is fair to anyone involved.

So what's your problem, then?  You know where this is at and what to do. And the answer is NOT "Stay int he comfort zone and marry FI so you will have an H and the kids will have a dad." Sorry.

Anyone ever been in a situation similar to this? I am just not sure how to handle this, and its tearing me up inside.

Nope; you know precisely what to do:

End the relationship with your FI and end contact with his cousin and the sooner the better.

You need to stay away from dating for a good year after this; you're too vulnerable and you are bound to make an even bigger mistake than you are making right  now, by keeping in inappropriate contact with FI's cousin.

My take on it:

You very well could have been dating FI for the wrong reasons from the start: you wanted the kids to have a father figure. Wrong reason to marry somebody and wrong reason to date somebody.

Intially, you might "break" FI's heart -- but I guarantee you he will find somebody else. There are a great many women out there and he's bound to find one who will love him without reservation.

Don't lead him on by marrying him. This is asking for trouble; I guarantee you also that you'll be out on the lookout for somebody else not long after the I DOs are said. Everybody will lose in this case: your H and your kids, also --- your kids will lose based on the fact you are exposing them to a sham relationship with your FI/H.  This isn't a good example for them; they need to grow up in a household where there are TWO parents that love each other deeply and are committed fully to each other.

Say good bye to the FI. And say goodbye to Creepy Cousin.  This is a lose-lose deal. GL.

PS: During your hiatus from men:

Counseling for you.

You need to find out why you wasted nearly 8 years in a relationship with a guy that you viewed as just a dad for your kids.  That's where this is at.  Break this pattern now before you repeat it with other men you date in the future.

Sillygirl45

Why would you allow yourself to become this close with another man? Much less his cousin? 

You moved too fast with your FI. You should not be marrying him just to pine after his cousin. That is so unfair to him.

You need to move on, be alone, and figure out yourself. I wouldn't tell FI you have feelings for another man. This isn't his problem. He doesn't need to be made to feel any worse than he's going to. 

You also need to end all contact with this other man and seriously question why you would get yourself info this situation and why you would want to be with someone who has such little integrity he would go after his cousins FI. 

Leftie22

You're not doing your FI any favors by staying with him. He deserves to have a partner who loves him whole-heartedly, not one who is settling because she can't get the person she really wants. The cousin also sounds suspect to me. He's basically telling you there's no chance for a relationship, so my guess is he wants no-strings attached sex with you, while he claims you "can't" be together. That's ridiculous. Don't marry your FI, and don't get involved with his cousin. You'll just end up being used by him and subjecting your kids to further turmoil. It's sad that your children will lose another father figure, but maybe they'll stay in touch with him. And he deserves to be truly loved. Sorry, this probably isn't the answer you want, but wait for a man who you are madly in love with and who is available. Settling for anything else isn't going to be good for you, your FI or your kids.

TarponMonoxide

The cousin also sounds suspect to me. He's basically telling you there's no chance for a relationship, so my guess is he wants no-strings attached sex with you, while he claims you "can't" be together. That's ridiculous.

I'm suspecting that Creepy Cousin is taken, ensconced or married. Hence his "oh we can't be together" claim.

Or maybe he's after a little bit of action from you and he's busy priming the well by keeping you engaged by keeping you in the "we're talking about it" stage.

GilliC

Pretty much everything @TarponMonoxide said. And I'm not one to agree with her very often, so that's saying something!

It sucks, but you can't marry this guy, because you're doing it for all the wrong reasons. You've had him around for a very long time, and it's probably scary as hell to think about a) a life without him, and b) the embarrassment of ending an engagement. But both of those are things you can move on from. And marrying some guy because you were too chicken not to? Not a good choice.

And drop the cousin. That's a mess waiting to happen, and no good can possibly come from it. You will end up hurting a lot of people if you don't end that.

Once all that is behind you, learn to be happy with yourself. Once you're happy being on your own, it will be much easier to find the right guy, because it will be much easier to walk away from the wrong ones.

TarponMonoxide

In the interim, find a man or men (and women, also!)  that your kids can look up to: relatives, neighbors, coaches, teachers, troop leaders, clergypeople and people like those who have excelled at something they do well.:)

It's not just a father that kids need as role models and fine examples.

Role models are for always and for good. 

And for yourself -- when your hiatus from dating and men is over:

What do you like to do? What are your interests?

Find a group where you will meet like individuals.  THe best way to meet somebody is via a common interest. I've found that the best relationships are born there and developed there.:)