RP: Need some Advice

Donniesgrrl

I have posted before about my Mom and my battles with her borderline personality Disorder, as well as the fact that we are no contact right now...Please read below, please give me some advice if you can. 

Long Story short, My Moms best friends Daughter passed away about a month ago, same age as me, and since then she has started to contact me again.  I have responded to text messages because that really has been the only contact, but today after I texted to say Happy Birthday, she messaged back, thank you, and would love to hear how you and the baby are doing, call me sometime? right away all my alarms went off.  I know it is perfectly innocent, but I am afraid to open that door yet.  I feel like it is a short path back to where we were and I will not go back there.  I told her maybe later in the week, and I plan to call when the kids are still up, and my H is off for the night so I can keep it short and use them in order to get off the phone if need be.

 I don't want to not talk to her, mostly because going no contact was never my intention, she chose to do that when I told her that I could no longer emotionally care for her and that the dynamics of our relationship had to change if we were to go forward.  She also wanted to have a big long sit down about all the wrongs I did her and TBH I was not going to let that happen, it was and will be emotionally damaging to me and send me into a backslide.

I guess I just need some encouragement, words of advice, sage wisdom, etc.

Leftie22

That's a tough situation. I can relate to having people in your life who you don't really want to have lots of contact with. Unless you're 100% sure you don't want to call her (which would be totally fine and understandable), I think the short call with an end time is a good idea. It would help you gauge if she's going to keep it as a nice chat, or if she's still determined to rehash past events. If it starts getting even remotely unpleasant, have a line prepared like "I'm not going to talk about that." Or "I just wanted to chat, I don't want to discuss serious issues with you." But if you're fairly sure that the conversation will turn ugly, I wouldn't feel bad about not contacting her. Some people are just toxic, and sometimes we just need to stay focused on ourselves and our own mental health. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

Sillygirl45

That's a tough situation. I can relate to having people in your life who you don't really want to have lots of contact with. Unless you're 100% sure you don't want to call her (which would be totally fine and understandable), I think the short call with an end time is a good idea. It would help you gauge if she's going to keep it as a nice chat, or if she's still determined to rehash past events. If it starts getting even remotely unpleasant, have a line prepared like "I'm not going to talk about that." Or "I just wanted to chat, I don't want to discuss serious issues with you." But if you're fairly sure that the conversation will turn ugly, I wouldn't feel bad about not contacting her. Some people are just toxic, and sometimes we just need to stay focused on ourselves and our own mental health. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

What she said. It's hard when parents aren't who we need them to be, but it's also hard to just cut off contact. Keep your own emotional health in mind and proceed from there. 

TarponMonoxide

Stay the course. You many be opening another whole new can of worms.

Tofumonkey

Oh man, I feel for you. My mother has cut off contact with me before as well. Actually, I think she may have done it again recently - not sure. Not asking, either.

It sounds as though she is just reaching out. There isn't anything very inflammatory in her text, it just seems a bit normal. If it were me I would keep it formal and professional. Short, shallow yet sincere responses for now.

And I hear you - my mother came to visit and I was subjected to two hours around my kitchen table hearing about how every opinion I have is wrong, will never be successful and about how every single person in her family is better than me in every way. Except the drug addict stripper.

So at least I've got that going for me.

Donniesgrrl

I have decided to call her, through all of this I have always taken the high road, diisengaged when she was flaring up, and have not been inciteful or responsive to her for lack of a better word Temper tantrums.  I want to call her, more because if I don't I think the guilt will eat at me, and also because if I don't I feel like it will give her one more thing to say to others "see I am the good one, I did nothing wrong and she still refuses to talk to me" even though she cut me off haha.  I will stay the course and avoid serious issues, and will not call her unless my H is around, for support and for him to get me out of it if need be. 

If she goes down a path I don't want to which I expect at some point, maybe not tomorrow but I think she will do it eventually I am prepared to say, you know what sometimes you just have to let go (which is difficult for her, she always has to talk things out ad nauseum, until she feels they are sufficiently analyzed, discussed, and of course the blame is ALWAYS placed on anyone but her), and if she can't well than no harm no foul and we are back to where we are now.  I miss having my mom around, but I don't miss the pain, and the Drama that came with it, so I know that no matter what I will be OK.

Tofumonkey

You have to accept that she isn't the mom that you want. I'm still working on that. You can be the mom that you always wanted, though.

Call her if you have to (I know that compulsion well) and best of luck.