Desperate much...?

06md

Well, I will have to say I am a little desperate already.

I have close to 5 months married and my husband and I have had sex ONCE! This is the most frustrating situation I've been in forever. 

When we were dating we didn't have the hottest sex life, maybe because he was very respectful as we were always in his how [living with his family] and I was kind of ok with it because he once explained me he didn't want to disrespect his house and things like that... But now that we're married I expect what is supposed to be given to me.

I have talked to him a lot about this topic, I've said it nice and calm and also angry and frustrated. I don't know what else to do. He keeps saying he will change it but nothing happens. We have not only been married for almost 5 months but we have been living together for 10 months.

Any ideas on what I should do? 

doeydo

I think you two should go to couples therapy (with a therapist used to dealing with sex issues) or a sex therapist.

cloudymeatballs

So does he turn you down when you try to have sex?

06md

Thanks. I've thought about it.

06md

cloudymeatballs said:

So does he turn you down when you try to have sex?

He did a few times when we were dating and we were at his house. Now he doesnt do anything. I try to play with him a little bit but when I see its not going anywhere I stop. Plus I want him to take the initiative because I dont wanna feel like Im always the want who wants, in this case it looks like that to me.

cloudymeatballs

That sucks.  I'm sorry.  Have you ever just tried telling him lets go get busy?

06md

cloudymeatballs said:

That sucks.  I'm sorry.  Have you ever just tried telling him lets go get busy?

Not in those exact words lol. But I've suggested it.

TarponMonoxide

06md said:

cloudymeatballs said:

That sucks.  I'm sorry.  Have you ever just tried telling him lets go get busy?

Not in those exact words lol. But I've suggested it.

To echo the advice I gave yo uon the other board:

It very well can be that he is not a sexual kind of guy.

That he wouldn't get it on because of the living arrangement is just flimsy and well, not healthy.

I suggest a long frank talk and I also suggest a therapist and sex therapist for the both of you. Make it a must that he attend.

And tell him his marriage is counting on it.

"Forsaking all others" also means that your partner comes first in every department and is happy -- and that means in the bedroom also.

I don't know if there is extreme religiosity involved or a strict household where sex was not discussed or what it is, but whatever it is isn't healthy or right. It's already skewed your marriage dynamic and it is also causing a rift between the 2 of you already.

Sex, money and religion are the 3 issues a couple will argue vehemently over; take care of this and nip this in the bud with help from professionals before you both blow sky high over this issue.

The bottom line:

He has to start gettig busy; 2 x a week would be great for the frequency of sex.

If he still refuses to get busy with the help of counselors, you can suggest an open marriage, accept the fact that you're in a sexually barren marriage or you can go file a civil annulment in a court of law.

You didn't marry to get a roommate; you got married to get a husband in every sense of the word.

Your post is another fantastic example of why it is NOT good to live with others.

And if you were living with his parents because you coudn't afford to live on your own, you needed to rethink "the next step" and NOT do it until the 2 of you were self sufficient financially: in other words, if you and he could not even afford the cheapest of studio apartments, you didn't have a pot to piss in to live on your own.

You needed to wait until you were both able to support yourselves financially -- and then consider the next step. That's the bottom line.

Are you kidding?

PERFECTLY fine to initiate a lot!

He did a few times when we were dating and we were at his house. Now he doesnt do anything. I try to play with him a little bit but when I see its not going anywhere I stop. Plus I want him to take the initiative because I dont wanna feel like Im always the want who wants, in this case it looks like that to me.

If he can't take the initiative now, he'll be hard pressed to take it in the future.

Counselor and sex therapist, stat --- for the both of you and for you alone and for him alone.

Don't be shy about this; as I said, nip this in the bud now with a professional's help. GL.

cloudymeatballs

That is horrible.  Well, like @Tarponmonoxide I would suggest counseling then. I really don't have an answer for that one. I have never heard of a guy not into sex, most would love it having you taking the initiative.  Sorry 06md, that blows.  He must have some sort of sex issue and perhaps it could be something small or big, but the quicker you get to the bottom of this the better. 

Go with her advice, find a therapist and do it.  Keep initiating it and take care of your needs.    Good luck @06md and I truly hope you two work thru this. 

Leftie22

Maybe he has some physical issues, and doesn't want to initiate because he can't actually do the deed. You said you play with him but it doesn't go anywhere. Meaning he doesn't get turned on? Doesn't get hard? Gets hard but loses it? There could be a lot going on here. I once dated a guy like this, and every time things started heating up, it would only get to a certain point, then he'd all of a sudden stop. I realized (tmi) that he would often lose his erection while we were making out or I was playing with him, so he would try to stop things before he lost his erection, hoping that I wouldn't notice. If everything else is going well in your relationship, this is something you need to talk about, and bring up the uncomfortable issues. Going to a counsellor right off the bat might be too big a step if you haven't even really talked about it yet. Be as supportive and non-judgmental as you can, tell him you want to support him and ask if he's having any issues he wants to talk about. Reassure him that you're there to work it out with him, no matter what. I think that will go over much better than getting mad and demanding counselling. We wouldn't want our DH's to do that to us, right? Treat him the way you'd want to be treated if you were having issues (physical or emotional) with your sex life. Good luck!!

Janessadawn

Yes, you need counseling. It might be best to go together and on your own, because this:

06md said:

But now that we're married I expect what is supposed to be given to me.

is an alarming way to look at your relationship. In no relationship is either partner ever "due" sex. It isn't something your husband owes you; just because you're married doesn't mean he's obligated to have sex with you.

TarponMonoxide

If he has a physical issue, a doc has to make that call. I am guessing all of this is psychological in nature, plus it may be, as I said, he isn't a sexual kind of guy.

Talk to him. In depth.

See a counselor and a sex therapist, the both of you -- stress that this is a couple's problem and the both of you should be working to fix the issue.

He could get a checkup from a doc, particularly if he's getting an erection and losing it or he is having difficulty attaining one; low testosterone, a thyroid problem or something circulatory is what a doctor would need to diagnose.

Rule out a physical issue; after that, it's a psychological one.

Did your husband have any sex partners before you began dating, or are you guys rather young and each other's firsts? Just curious.

If you and/or he are religious in nature, there are indeed books that are written for couples like you in mind --- I've forgotten who's written them -- but I am sure if you go to Amazon and do a search, you'll find the books I am talking about. They are more or less married sex advice books for religious couples.

06md

Really, really thank you all for the suggestions. I dont feel comfortable enough to talk about this with friends and family as I dont wanna be judged and it is so much easier to do it this way.

I will take everything into action and consideration. First I will have the most serious talk we're ever had and I will suggest him a therapist for both of us as this is making me feel like if there was something wrong with me and I dont think there is. 

TarponMonoxideJanessadawnLeftie22cloudymeatballs

To answer some of your questions, he get it hard but doesnt do anything about it when it happens, I dont think he has anything physical that is causing this. He was raised and is a very quiet person and barely talks about his feeling, me on the other hand I think the first step to fix issues is talking but when he says nothing I get very frustrated.

The worst thing is how sometimes I miss other relationships I had before him were sex was awesome and I felt desire.

I believe this issue is worst for me because as a woman I think everything or most things are related to feelings and maybe there's something hes not feeling about me or he's not atracted to me at all.

Any other suggestions or questions are welcome.

TarponMonoxide

Do you know how sexually active he was before he met you?

That should be a big clue for you.

He has to be honest with you and gee, if you cannot be honest with your spouse, what have you got?  He shouldn't be afraid to tell you how he feels.

He's got to get to a therapist. I have never heard of a guy who does nothing when a desirous female is alone with him.

Another big clue to what's going on: You said your prior partners were more than adequate in the way of providing sex and sex was great? I am wondering why you were willing to go from guys who were on the same page as you -- sexually compatable partners --- to sex to a guy who simply wasn't like those other men. This is another reason why it's a good idea for you to see a counselor on your own. It does not sound like you and he are sexually compatible and that is a whole other story in itself.

You can't say that sex with the other guys was great --- that will polarize him all the more -- say something like, "Honey, you're red hot and I want us to have a sex life that will leave us both satisfied and more. How do you suggest you and I go about doing that?" and let him take the floor.

What about things he DOES like? If he likes things like like a bath/shower for two or soft music and making out and then letting nature take its course ---  provide more of that. See what success rate you have.

I do not think he is gay or asexual. There's something going on with how he perceives sex in iteself and i think that's what a therapist has to work on.

If there is no chance he can transcend that problem or he flat out refuses to see a therapist, you're going to have to figure out where to go from here. His duty as a husband is to make sure you are happy in all departments -- I've said this also in other threads from other women who are having problems with sexual ante-uping --- this is now a character issue you'll be coping with. If he won't go to therapy due to embarrassment (get a male counselor for him; maybe the success rate will be better if he talks to another guy) or "Gee I can't tell my wife what the problem is" or he simply refuses for reasons he can't and won't disclose, you've got a worse problem than a guy who won't get busy in the bedroom.

Hope you work this out; keep us posted.