Passive aggressive shenanigans.

Leftie22

My DH is passive aggressive, and I sometimes find it maddening to deal with. I just need to vent about the scenario from today, which is little but annoying. First off, DH never gets up on time in the morning, so he's not very helpful with getting our DS up and ready either. Normally it doesn't really matter, but today I needed to get out the door on time with DS to go to a play group. After DH showered, I asked him to wake up DS and get him ready while I shower. After I finish getting ready, I come out to find that not only is DS not even awake, DH also isn't ready for work. I ask him wth is going on, and he says he "couldn't" wake our son. So instead of getting himself ready for work like a normal person, he sat in DS's room for 20 minutes, watching DS sleep. Then, when I ask why he didn't at least get himself ready, he said he wouldn't be able to hear DS if he woke up. (From one door over??) Days like this I just feel like DH is trying to make trouble. Then he got mad at me, and went to work (late), leaving me to wake DS and try to get both of us ready on time. Am I taking crazy pills here,mor is this some seriously weird behavior?? DH claims not to understand why I'm upset, which makes it even worse. Fighting with someone like him, who won't admit their behavior is odd, or that they're upset about something, makes me feel crazy and exhausted. Any thoughts??

Leftie22

And P.S. I'm pregnant, and at risk for preterm labour, so everyone keeps telling me to take it easy, including DH. But then I ask him to do one thing and he doesn't do it?? And then somehow he's the one who leaves the house mad?? I just don't get it. I have the feeling he's upset about something and this is how he chose to express it, but I just don't have the energy to deal with this kind of BS right now. Someone tell me I'm not crazy? Or I am crazy and I should calm down?

doeydo

I think the issue is that he is lazy and doesn't do shit, not passive aggressiveness.  Also, why did he get mad at you?  You should be mad at him...

Leftie22

doeydo said:

I think the issue is that he is lazy and doesn't do shit, not passive aggressiveness.  Also, why did he get mad at you?  You should be mad at him...

Oh I am mad at him, believe me! Overall he's very involved with our son, but every now and then he does something weird like this. I told him exactly what I thought of his behavior and why I was mad, and eventually he got it. But I can't really believe I have to explain it in that much detail. This is why passive aggression is such a mind f*ck, because I never really know if he just did something stupid by accident, or if it was on purpose. (And if it was on purpose, what he's really mad about.) It's infuriating.

GilliC

That doesn't sound passive aggressive. That just sounds weird. Passive aggressive would be more like, "Well if you really don't have time to deal with DS, I guess I can do it, even though it will probably make me late to work today..."

I don't have kids, so I don't really know what it means that he "couldn't" wake up your DS. I would imagine that if I had a kid and I couldn't wake him up, I would be calling 911 in a panic and breaking out my rusty first aid training.

If he really is passive aggressive, unfortunately it will be an ongoing battle that he's going to have to tackle on his own. I'm terribly passive aggressive (thanks to my mother), and I'm working on it, but I still slip into the old ways a lot more than I would like. Honestly, the biggest help for me was therapy. Having a professional say, "Hey! Your passive-aggressive behavior isn't making you feel better. Next time you're upset, try being simply aggressive. It will probably be much more effective at dealing with the problem." What do you know?! He was right! (He was also a jerk, so that's the only great lesson I gleaned before I quit going, but it's been profoundly helpful.) 

I have no idea how you would get him into therapy in the first place (maybe couples counseling?), but I know I would definitely not have been open to XH pointing out my passive aggressive tendencies and telling me to work on them. Because they come out when I'm upset, which isn't a time when I'm really open to constructive criticism. Heck, one of my best friends used to share an office with me, and he'd point it out once in a while, and I hated it. I knew he was right (because I'd already been through therapy at that point), but it still made me pouty and annoyed.

Youaremylolipop

Leftie22 said:

My DH is passive aggressive, and I sometimes find it maddening to deal with. I just need to vent about the scenario from today, which is little but annoying. First off, DH never gets up on time in the morning, so he's not very helpful with getting our DS up and ready either. Normally it doesn't really matter, but today I needed to get out the door on time with DS to go to a play group. After DH showered, I asked him to wake up DS and get him ready while I shower. After I finish getting ready, I come out to find that not only is DS not even awake, DH also isn't ready for work. I ask him wth is going on, and he says he "couldn't" wake our son. So instead of getting himself ready for work like a normal person, he sat in DS's room for 20 minutes, watching DS sleep. Then, when I ask why he didn't at least get himself ready, he said he wouldn't be able to hear DS if he woke up. (From one door over??) Days like this I just feel like DH is trying to make trouble. Then he got mad at me, and went to work (late), leaving me to wake DS and try to get both of us ready on time. Am I taking crazy pills here,mor is this some seriously weird behavior?? DH claims not to understand why I'm upset, which makes it even worse. Fighting with someone like him, who won't admit their behavior is odd, or that they're upset about something, makes me feel crazy and exhausted. Any thoughts??

Zomg, my husband does the same thing. We don't have children yet, but sometimes he will do something stupid and annoying and I have to bite my tongue to keep from being mean. For example, the first thing I tried cooking in our new apartment was a frozen pizza. When it was ready to come out I called him to come help me. He stood behind me while I dropped the pizza off the plate and onto the heating element. (Don't ever do this, your oven will be forever messed up. I promise.) I stood there inside that over door trying to get this hot pizza out of this hot oven before I started a fire and he just stood there like I don't know what to do. Idk babe, maybe shut off the oven, maybe get a fork and help me scrape this up, maybe call maintenence, maybe get a fire extinguisher, something other then stand there saying Idk what to do.

Sillygirl45

Youaremylolipop said:

Leftie22 said:

My DH is passive aggressive, and I sometimes find it maddening to deal with. I just need to vent about the scenario from today, which is little but annoying. First off, DH never gets up on time in the morning, so he's not very helpful with getting our DS up and ready either. Normally it doesn't really matter, but today I needed to get out the door on time with DS to go to a play group. After DH showered, I asked him to wake up DS and get him ready while I shower. After I finish getting ready, I come out to find that not only is DS not even awake, DH also isn't ready for work. I ask him wth is going on, and he says he "couldn't" wake our son. So instead of getting himself ready for work like a normal person, he sat in DS's room for 20 minutes, watching DS sleep. Then, when I ask why he didn't at least get himself ready, he said he wouldn't be able to hear DS if he woke up. (From one door over??) Days like this I just feel like DH is trying to make trouble. Then he got mad at me, and went to work (late), leaving me to wake DS and try to get both of us ready on time. Am I taking crazy pills here,mor is this some seriously weird behavior?? DH claims not to understand why I'm upset, which makes it even worse. Fighting with someone like him, who won't admit their behavior is odd, or that they're upset about something, makes me feel crazy and exhausted. Any thoughts??

Zomg, my husband does the same thing. We don't have children yet, but sometimes he will do something stupid and annoying and I have to bite my tongue to keep from being mean. For example, the first thing I tried cooking in our new apartment was a frozen pizza. When it was ready to come out I called him to come help me. He stood behind me while I dropped the pizza off the plate and onto the heating element. (Don't ever do this, your oven will be forever messed up. I promise.) I stood there inside that over door trying to get this hot pizza out of this hot oven before I started a fire and he just stood there like I don't know what to do. Idk babe, maybe shut off the oven, maybe get a fork and help me scrape this up, maybe call maintenence, maybe get a fire extinguisher, something other then stand there saying Idk what to do.

This is hilarious and totally my H. I love him, but seriously, use some damn common sense sometimes. 

Weird that he can wire a new fixture, install a new dishwasher, and replace an outlet all while explaining solar flare phenomenon, but if I yell "the cookies are going to burn, quick, get them out of the oven!" I hear "huh? What cookies? What do you want me to do? Where am I supposed to put them? Where are the hot pads?"...as he meanders up the stairs as slow as a turtle. Well, never mind, by then I'm down the stairs and took care of it myself. 

I swear there's a really smart person in there, how hard is taking something out of the oven?

At any rate, OP, I would also say counseling if H is truly passive aggressive. If your son wasn't popping out of bed, he should have gotten himself ready and went back to get DS. You need to sit down and get to the bottom of this if he continues to do things like this. Was he just tired and not thinking that particular morning? Is he doing this because you're not working and he doesn't think he should have to get DS ready in the morning? He's not going to want to admit it if this is how he feels, but I bet this is part of it. He may not even really realize he feels this way.

I know he says you should take it easy, but he may just mean as long as he doesn't have to do anything to pick up the slack.

Good luck. Have a calm talk with him once DS goes to bed. This is a tough time all around, it will get better!

TarponMonoxide

Does he snore?

If not snoring (where he's got sleep apnea and now he's woken up and is very groggy because in essence, his sleep is not normal) maybe he's got some other physical problem.

Or he's always done this and now it's starting to bother you.

Perhaps he simply is not a morning person.  Even so, he needs to make it his business to be up and ready when he is supposed to. None of this stuff in school like when we used to go "Ma, give me 5 more minutes to get up..."

Leftie22

@Sillygirl45 I think you're right that the fact that I'm a SAHM might have something to do with his attitude. Which really sucks, because it's a tough job that he has already admitted he would never be able to do! And caring for a toddler while pregnant makes it extra hard. I also think you're right that he'll never admit that that is part of the problem, because it would make him sound like a douche. The sad thing is, he was also like this in my first pregnancy, and it wasn't until I was hospitalized at around 6 months (which is how pregnant I am now) and put on bedrest that he realized I wasn't just a whiny pregnant lady. I wish he would step up sooner this time so I don't have to go through that again. Thanks for listening, everyone!!

Sillygirl45

My friend was in bed rest for 3 months and had a 2 year old. It was hell. Everyone kept telling her to take it easy, not get up, etc... But they weren't really willing to help either. Her H was great for about a week, then he would he a total ass about just getting her a glass of water (not mean, but acting like it was a pain in the ass). Yeah, it sucks, but seriously dude, just do it! 

He's really a great guy and they are fine now, but people don't get just how much work you're doing until they have to do it. She's still pretty pissed at him for making her feel like a burden and it's been 2 years.

I hope things get better soon!