Shyness/Awkwardness Around S/O?

doeydo

I do have issues with anxiety so maybe that is just it, but I thought I would ask.  Does anyone have problems with initiating/showing affection to their S/O?  I feel so awkward.  I am not sure what I worry will happen, I guess that he won't be receptive to it or will judge me somehow.  

Joy2611

My husband and I dated for ten years before getting engaged.  We'd be having sex the whole time, but something weird happened after the engagement.  I was suddenly really really concerned about sex and him seeing me sexually.  I seriously can't describe what it was all about, but it made having sex very stressful for me.  Maybe I was nervous about getting pregnant so close to the wedding, but I was on birth control and had been forever.  I felt so very shy when it came to sex and worried that he'd judge me.  On what, I have no idea.

I can't tell what I did to get over it because I realized just now while reading your post that I don't feel that way anymore.  We're back to normal and have been for quite awhile.

I'll tell you that initiate as much as him and, when I do, he's ALL for it.  I have no more anxiety around sex and it's muuuuuch better.  I know it's easier said than done, but just going for it and letting go of all your insecurities is a million times better than letting them get to you.  Your significant other loves you for you.  Whatever it holding you back is in your head and the only way to prove that to yourself is to let go.

Good luck!

erollis

When DH and I first started dating we didn't even hold hands. I was awkward and shy. Mostly because I had never been with anyone before. It took about a year to become completely comfortable (that's when I initiated sex). 12 years later and I'm never shy or uncomfortable around him.

Going at your own pace, good communication between you two, and his understanding will help you a lot.

TarponMonoxide

What kind of household were you raised in? Was it the kind where nobody was outwardly affectionate?

Nothing at all wrong with that.:)

Suppose you start with some small steps: hold his hand, put an arm around him  ---let it progress from there.

artbyallie

doeydo said:

I do have issues with anxiety so maybe that is just it, but I thought I would ask.  Does anyone have problems with initiating/showing affection to their S/O?  I feel so awkward.  I am not sure what I worry will happen, I guess that he won't be receptive to it or will judge me somehow.  

You really think he would judge you for coming on to you? Why? Is he generally into slut-shaming or is this something you're projecting on to him from your own upbringing? There should never be anything judgement-worthy about married partners initiating sex with one another.

doeydo

artbyallie said:

doeydo said:

I do have issues with anxiety so maybe that is just it, but I thought I would ask.  Does anyone have problems with initiating/showing affection to their S/O?  I feel so awkward.  I am not sure what I worry will happen, I guess that he won't be receptive to it or will judge me somehow.  

You really think he would judge you for coming on to you? Why? Is he generally into slut-shaming or is this something you're projecting on to him from your own upbringing? There should never be anything judgement-worthy about married partners initiating sex with one another.

No, he has never done anything like slut-shaming and he is not judgmental or mean or anything; I think this is just in my head.  It might be part of my upbringing/childhood experiences.    
Thanks everyone for your responses.  

artbyallie

While I'm glad to hear he's not actually likely to judge you, it saddens me that you would do this to yourself. I'm sure intellectually you realize it's okay for you to desire him, right? That it's okay to want and ask for sex. So I think what you need to do here is desensitize yourself to this idea that you seeking out sex is somehow dirty/naughty/bad. And yes, it's true he may reject you. There are always times when we're just not feeling it. Know that that has nothing to do with you and I'm sure he still finds you sexy all the time even when he doesn't actually want to have sex.

Maybe practice a little? Do a striptease for the mirror before you try it on him. Masturbate while you fantasize about how you'll get him all hot and bothered. Wear something that makes you feel super sexy before you take the plunge.

cloudymeatballs

So, what upbringing/childhood experience may be causing this? If you were abused that would make sense, or perhaps just in your childhood not a lot of affection was given??  That would be difficult.  But you could maybe just start with laying with him on the couch, holding hands, little kisses then it goes from there.  You don't even have to do anything to make it seem obvious.   Just hand on his leg, a little bit of touch, anywhere, and anything can lead to sex..

doeydo

So, what upbringing/childhood experience may be causing this? If you were abused that would make sense, or perhaps just in your childhood not a lot of affection was given??  That would be difficult.  But you could maybe just start with laying with him on the couch, holding hands, little kisses then it goes from there.  You don't even have to do anything to make it seem obvious.   Just hand on his leg, a little bit of touch, anywhere, and anything can lead to sex..

Yes, I was sexually abused as a child.  I have been to therapy to deal with it and haven't had the person in my life since I was a teenager and I told a councilor what happened.  My mom was affectionate to me.  I think you`re right, I just have to start doing little things.  

cloudymeatballs

I am so sorry to hear that @doeydo  That is great you have gone to therapy for it, but I'm sure it will stay with you forever.  Just do whatever you can.  Whatever feels okay to you.  Don't try to rush anything.  If he knows about  this, as long as he is supportive just take it one day at a time with it.   xoxo 

arhayden1

Talk Talk Talk. I know with me when me and my SO got married I had not had a whole lot of experience(some but not alot). I also had alot of insecurities about everything surrounding sex and I know it sounds cliche' but I just talked to him about it. I explained my insecurities and he helped me to figure out where they come from and it also helped open the door to finding out the type of touch he likes. Its not always easy but its important. If he doesnt know about your past he needs to because as PP said even though you have been to couseling to deal with it, it will always be with you and play some role in your sex life.

doeydo

Thanks for your advice.  He does know about the abuse.