HELP! Disabled fiancee that doesn't help around the house - Advice needed/slight vent

sarahtrg

I work 30-35 hours a week and also go to school part time online so most of my time is spent working or doing school work. My fiancee recently relocated to my home town to move in with me and he is still looking for work. However he has RA and lupus so he has to be selective about the work he takes on, plus its a small town so work is hard to come by. I understand that A) he is in pain a lot of the time and work is scarce. But he takes pain medication and other meds to help with his symptoms. He does do most of the cooking which is a big load off of my plate but when I ask him as I'm leaving for work to take out the trash or do a single load of dishes, when I get home he tells me he was/is in pain or "forgot" and after a long day everything is exactly as messy as it was when I left. And he is on his laptop surfing the web, which, along with watching TV, is what he does most of the day. 

I'm trying to be understanding of his condition because it is very real and very painful but if he can be physically active enough to have sex (after he takes some pain medication) I just don't understand why he can't take pain medication to help him do things that need to be done around the house? (I have suggested it.) It's very stressful and depressing to have a dirty house so I end up getting up earlier than I need to to try and at least sweep and do dishes. But he needs to start helping more!

Because of the RA and lupus I feel its kind of a delicate topic but I just can't stand having a messy house anymore. Does anyone have any (nice, this is the man I love after all LOL) suggestions on how I can get him to help out more? 

(Sorry for the slight vent.)

Erikan73

I think you need to sit down and just talk it out with him. You don't want to go into your marriage with this issue, it will just grow. Just sit down with him and tell him that you understand that he has his good days and bad days with his illnesses. And you appreciate that he cooks you dinner, but it would be extremely helpful if he would be able to do a few other things around the house or even run some errands while you're at work or studying. Even if it's just laundry, dusting or, emptying the dishwasher. This way way when you are done working & studying more of your free time can be dedicated to doing fun stuff with him (or even just watching a movie together) instead of cleaning the home. When he does stuff, let him know you appreciate what he did. Good luck!!!

doeydo

Stop doing the dishes/whatever eventually for him.  He has to do get it done and unless is disability leaves him bedridden and unable to do shit, then he can just do it. Otherwise, he will keep coming up with excuses.  Also, explain to him calmly how these things make you feel (try to avoid using words like "never", etc.).

Sillygirl45

Unfortunately, this is the life of someone with chronic pain. If you haven't, research the diseases and their effects on people. Not just physically, but emotionally. Depression is a huge issue with this kind of pain. I don't know much about Lupus, but I know far more than I'd like to about RA. It is pure hell. It can turn someone for a completely normal functioning person to wheelchair bound and in excruciating pain in a very short time. Everyone's case is different but you have a long, hard road ahead with these chronic diseases. The drugs themselves have long term degenerative side effects. 

You need to think long and hard about what you want and if you're equipped to do this for the rest of your life. For your sake and his. 

I would suggest couples counseling. Maybe you can get to the bottom of him not doing a darn thing and what he wants the rest of his life to look like.

Janessadawn

If he's up to cooking (assuming he's doing more than just reheating prepared food), he can do light chores. Sorry, but it sounds like he's using his pain to his advantage. The best thing for both of you may be to create a chore chart of things that need doing, including how often, and let him decide what he can handle. Obviously if he's having an unusually rough day concessions could be made, but it sounds like for the most part he can still function normally. This chart will have the added benefit of being a reminder so he can't "forget."

DawnLilly

ETD: I was a bit harsh and frustrated I my pp post. My own feelings should not have hijacked your post. I am sorry.

I think you discussing what both pp said is the best way and maybe he is feeling depressed and should talk to a counselor. If you don't help him see that he is still a man capable of caring for you, your home and himself he is only going to get worse and its going to cause a lot of resentment.

erollis

I don't have lupus but my good friend does (so does her mother) and my cousin has MS. It's tough but they do as much as they can when they can. And you have to be ok with a home that isn't perfectly clean. The dishes may not get washed every night but that's ok. They both live as fully as they can. They have made the decision to be happy despite everything.

I recommend couples counseling and you to read the spoon theory ( @ but you don't look sick).

glittergal73

I can certainly understand your frustration.  Not everyone with the same disease experiences it in the same way.  He may have depression that comes along with the disease.  He could be embarrassed by what he can't do. Computer/TV is a an escape.  I think you should talk about things with him, but approach it with compassion.

Talk to him about ways to minimize his symptoms (massage, physical therapy, purchasing medical aids, etc.) and make sincere efforts to make it happen so he can be more able to contribute.    Ask him which chores that he feels he can do without making him hurt. Maybe dishes are too hard on his body, but scrubbing the floor or dusting is OK.  I also think, if it is in your budget, that hiring a house cleaner to come by and do the things he can't might help.  

You could also brainstorm together to think of ways to help things stay clean in the house like cooking in advance/freezing.  Declutter and simplify to minimize the time spent cleaning.  I also encourage you to talk with other people with this issue (maybe in an online forum) to be sure you understand what being married to someone with physical limitations is truly like.  Good luck.  

TarponMonoxide

I know a guy who is a successful mechanic who has RA. He's up and at em and not letting his illness get the best of him.

He's the best mechanic around; he has a huge and thriving shop. AND a huge following.

There's got to Be something he can do: what about dusting or the laundry or cleaning the bathroom?

I strongly suggest acupuncture and meditation for him.  I know of a guy who swears by acupuncture; he has Crohn's disease and he has not had a flare up in years.

There are support groups you can look into for those with loved ones who have chronic health conditions.

Leftie22

I agree with counselling and maybe making a list of things your FI feels he CAN do. Then, is it possible to hire someone to do some cleaning? It might take some of the heat off your relationship. Your FI can contribute what he feels he is up to doing, but then you don't have to take on everything else (because I really don't think that's fair to you either.) Better to have someone else do it, if that's something you can afford and would feel good about. It might take some of the stress off you and your FI. Good luck!

Maybride2

Whether he's truly in so much pain that he can't do basic chores, depressed, or taking advantage of his conditions - you need to sit down and have a serious talk with YOURSELF. Yes, I understand that you love him - but it takes more than love to be happy, it takes more than love to have a successful marriage. Months and years of frustration will start to chip away at that love and replace it with resentment. But anyway - yes, people experience disease and pain differently, but is he being managed appropriately? Is he taking his meds correctly? I have Lupus, and during my worst flares I was still capable of using a vacuum and washing dishes (actually, doing dishes felt good because having my hands in hot water felt good). I wasn't an invalid, and it's sort of offensive to hear others use it as an excuse to be lazy. RA sucks, I get it. But thousands of people have it and still get up and go to work, raise families, pick up around their houses. If your fiancé is able to have sex when he wants to, he's perfectly capable of doing light housework. Sorry, but he is. I suspect that you're getting played right now - homeboy found a girl who's willing to bust her ass for and have sex with him while he gets to lay around the house, all he has to do is have dinner ready.

MariaBend25

I am sorry about your fiancee's medical condition, but I don't think that excuses him from doing household work considering his ability to do physical work when convenient for him. You really need to talk to him about your feelings and your frustrations. Definitely, since you aren't married yet, get pre-marital counseling and address these issues. You really should not be going in to this marriage blind...will he ever get a job and support your family? Will he ever be supportive around the house?

If you can't address these issues and see major changes in him, then it may be time to re-evaluate if you can really marry him and spend the rest of your life in the situation you are in. You did not mention moving to a bigger city upon marriage so he can find a job compatible to his limitations, so all I can see is him getting mighty comfy in his situation playing games all day. He might make you feel horrible if you do want to get out while you can, but he has everything to gain by marriage and you will end up trapped in a relationship that is draining on you. It isn't so much about his disease as it is about him being a husband, meaning: helping you around the house, tending to your needs, and being a partner. I don't see anything selfish about leaving him if he doesn't clean up his act. If he didn't have his medical issues, just based on his actions, would you really stay in the relationship?

Tofumonkey

Okay - I'm going to respond as someone with a serious chronic health condition. I'm also going through chemotherapy and am at a hospital, doctor or test at least twice a week.

I am not a burden on my husband, children or family. I work full time and am the sole breadwinner in our young family (by choice). Your post really bothered me and I think that your fiance is probably depressed or going through a grief type stage of accepting his condition.

search out online and read The Spoon Theory - it changed my life with this condition. My husband and I accept that I've now only got so many spoons each day so I use them wisely - saving some for things like cooking dinner, putting the kids to bed, bathing the kids and reading them stories, walking the dog and tidying the house. I save these spoons by choosing not to do other things during the day that may take up a spoon, leaving me out of them for the things that are important.

I sometimes wake up and need my husband to put painkillers under my tongue for me to get going because my arms won't bend (swollen joints) and then I get up and get going. I walk to take the train, even though it starts out as a limp. I get home and all I want to do is go to bed but I can't - I am still a wife and mother. I still have a life to live.

We got a weekly cleaner, which has helped enormously. Sure my husband could do it, and he does most of the cleaning, but I don't feel any longer that I need to spend my weekends doing a proper deep clean - I can save those spoons for other things. I live on an anti-inflammatory diet and a ridiculous cocktail of meds to keep my symptoms at bay so that I can continue to be me - because what was the point of all of these doctors saving my life over and over if I wasn't going to live it?

Living with chronic pain and fatigue sucks royally, but it is still a hell of a lot better than dead. He needs to continue living, and you need to ask yourself if this is the life you want to truly sign yourself up for. If he cannot manage his condition now and still be a partner to you then you have to be realistic.

Tofumonkey

Okay - I'm going to respond as someone with a serious chronic health condition. I'm also going through chemotherapy and am at a hospital, doctor or test at least twice a week.

I am not a burden on my husband, children or family. I work full time and am the sole breadwinner in our young family (by choice). Your post really bothered me and I think that your fiance is probably depressed or going through a grief type stage of accepting his condition.

search out online and read The Spoon Theory - it changed my life with this condition. My husband and I accept that I've now only got so many spoons each day so I use them wisely - saving some for things like cooking dinner, putting the kids to bed, bathing the kids and reading them stories, walking the dog and tidying the house. I save these spoons by choosing not to do other things during the day that may take up a spoon, leaving me out of them for the things that are important.

I sometimes wake up and need my husband to put painkillers under my tongue for me to get going because my arms won't bend (swollen joints) and then I get up and get going. I walk to take the train, even though it starts out as a limp. I get home and all I want to do is go to bed but I can't - I am still a wife and mother. I still have a life to live.

We got a weekly cleaner, which has helped enormously. Sure my husband could do it, and he does most of the cleaning, but I don't feel any longer that I need to spend my weekends doing a proper deep clean - I can save those spoons for other things. I live on an anti-inflammatory diet and a ridiculous cocktail of meds to keep my symptoms at bay so that I can continue to be me - because what was the point of all of these doctors saving my life over and over if I wasn't going to live it?

Living with chronic pain and fatigue sucks royally, but it is still a hell of a lot better than dead. He needs to continue living, and you need to ask yourself if this is the life you want to truly sign yourself up for. If he cannot manage his condition now and still be a partner to you then you have to be realistic.

GilliC

Tofumonkey said:

because what was the point of all of these doctors saving my life over and over if I wasn't going to live it?

Damnit @Tofumonkey, that made me tear up a little.

sarahtrg

Thank you everyone for your feedback. He actually just got a call today about a job interview so I'm crossing my fingers about that. 

I am going to do a lot of thinking/contemplating on the best course of action to take and what is best for ME and what is best for US.