Trouble in Paradise
NavyBlue143
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
end of my rope (long)
A little over a month ago my dog was diagnosed with cancer. It was especially devastating because he is only 5. In my grief I turned inward, and spent most of my time with him. I stopped cooking as much, cleaning as much, and stopped being as affectionate to my husband.
When I came out of it, I noticed some things that really made me mad. While H was very supportive and understanding, no slack was picked up. I do the majority of cleaning, shopping, meal planning and bill paying, and while I was otherwise occupied, nothing got done. This was an arrangement that worked for us, but I realized after the dog was diagnosed just how lazy my husband is.
There's all these things wrong with the house that he talks about fixing but never shows initiative. This is his house he owned far before he met me, so I maintain it but will not begin any of these projects, they existed before I moved in. I will help, but I'm not going to nag him to get started. This is his mess. He's not embarrassed by it, so be it. Bills do not get paid unless I pay them or ask him multiple times to pay them. Then I get frustrated because we end up behind on something. We can pay our bills if we pay them on time, but this doubling up thing cannot work. I took over almost all bills, and we were doing fine. Then my dog got sick. Just yesterday I had to ask him to pay two bills for the third time, one of which was overdue. I constantly have to ask for help cleaning. I work full time too, why can't he fold the laundry that has been sitting in the basket in the living room for a week? Why cant he change the sheets or clean the kitchen or dust? Why is everything my responsibility?
Plus, our sex life sucks, and has sucked since the honeymoon. I begged him for 7 months to get his testosterone checked, it took two months to nail down an appointment, and after a check and recheck, it's fine, case closed. Except no it's not. I'm tired of making myself look sexy, walking around in nothing but a towel, or my underwear, or undressing in front of him while his eyes are glued to a computer screen. He knows if it isn't physical, it's psychological, but has shown no interest in going back to a counselor about it. I have asked. He says he will look into it, but doesn't. I have stopped asking, stopped talking about it. I have asked for over a year, I doubt he is all rhat worried about changing it. What sex we do have is so boring and predictable. It's the exact same every time. I have asked him to spice it up, told him what I like, but early on he said he was into all of this stuff, and has the equipment for said stuff, and never once has he done it with me, despite being told I like it too. There's no passion, no spontaneity, no novelty. Never has been. We have been together 3 years and have had sex not on a bed once, random middle of the day sex three times. I never had this issue with anyone else. I had the confidence to be spontaneous, there were plenty of those random "need you now" moments. I have no confidence with my husband because all this time he claimed he wanted to be dominant, but never really acted on it. He said he wanted to try all these things with me but never has. His solution is more BJ's and I walk around in fishnets and heels and give random lap dances. Really? I'm already being rejected and you want me to risk more rejection? You want to get more out of this while I continue to get almost nothing? I should be enough! I have gained weight since the wedding but not that much. I should not have to do these things to get him to want me! All the sexual attention I get is he grabs my boobs or butt. That just makes it worse, I feel like a damned toy. I like being affectionate with people, especially my husband, but find my desire to do so almost completely dead. My sex drive has tanked, my confidence has tanked, and my patience is the next thing to go. He knows I'm unhappy, but I am always the instigator of the come to Jesus talks, he just lets things go until they can't anymore. And I'm tired. I love him, he is otherwise a very good, loving man, but I will not be reduced to a nagging shrew in a celibate marriage. Short of asking for an annulment, what else do I do?
When I came out of it, I noticed some things that really made me mad. While H was very supportive and understanding, no slack was picked up. I do the majority of cleaning, shopping, meal planning and bill paying, and while I was otherwise occupied, nothing got done. This was an arrangement that worked for us, but I realized after the dog was diagnosed just how lazy my husband is.
There's all these things wrong with the house that he talks about fixing but never shows initiative. This is his house he owned far before he met me, so I maintain it but will not begin any of these projects, they existed before I moved in. I will help, but I'm not going to nag him to get started. This is his mess. He's not embarrassed by it, so be it. Bills do not get paid unless I pay them or ask him multiple times to pay them. Then I get frustrated because we end up behind on something. We can pay our bills if we pay them on time, but this doubling up thing cannot work. I took over almost all bills, and we were doing fine. Then my dog got sick. Just yesterday I had to ask him to pay two bills for the third time, one of which was overdue. I constantly have to ask for help cleaning. I work full time too, why can't he fold the laundry that has been sitting in the basket in the living room for a week? Why cant he change the sheets or clean the kitchen or dust? Why is everything my responsibility?
Plus, our sex life sucks, and has sucked since the honeymoon. I begged him for 7 months to get his testosterone checked, it took two months to nail down an appointment, and after a check and recheck, it's fine, case closed. Except no it's not. I'm tired of making myself look sexy, walking around in nothing but a towel, or my underwear, or undressing in front of him while his eyes are glued to a computer screen. He knows if it isn't physical, it's psychological, but has shown no interest in going back to a counselor about it. I have asked. He says he will look into it, but doesn't. I have stopped asking, stopped talking about it. I have asked for over a year, I doubt he is all rhat worried about changing it. What sex we do have is so boring and predictable. It's the exact same every time. I have asked him to spice it up, told him what I like, but early on he said he was into all of this stuff, and has the equipment for said stuff, and never once has he done it with me, despite being told I like it too. There's no passion, no spontaneity, no novelty. Never has been. We have been together 3 years and have had sex not on a bed once, random middle of the day sex three times. I never had this issue with anyone else. I had the confidence to be spontaneous, there were plenty of those random "need you now" moments. I have no confidence with my husband because all this time he claimed he wanted to be dominant, but never really acted on it. He said he wanted to try all these things with me but never has. His solution is more BJ's and I walk around in fishnets and heels and give random lap dances. Really? I'm already being rejected and you want me to risk more rejection? You want to get more out of this while I continue to get almost nothing? I should be enough! I have gained weight since the wedding but not that much. I should not have to do these things to get him to want me! All the sexual attention I get is he grabs my boobs or butt. That just makes it worse, I feel like a damned toy. I like being affectionate with people, especially my husband, but find my desire to do so almost completely dead. My sex drive has tanked, my confidence has tanked, and my patience is the next thing to go. He knows I'm unhappy, but I am always the instigator of the come to Jesus talks, he just lets things go until they can't anymore. And I'm tired. I love him, he is otherwise a very good, loving man, but I will not be reduced to a nagging shrew in a celibate marriage. Short of asking for an annulment, what else do I do?
Re: end of my rope (long)
You need to have a very long talk with him -- wow, things are a royal mess -- and it is imperative he get up off his ass and start making HIS end of the bargain work.
His mission in marriage is to make sure you are happy.
That's in all areas of your marriage, whether it's as a helping partner, being supportive, doing what he is supposed to do and that's also in the bedroom.
He is to do all of that, just as you do the same for him. it is a given that you give your 100% and more -- you have done all that, as per your post --- and it is a given that he do the same. He is NOT doing the same.
He is not exempt from this rule. You don't get married and then drop the damn ball.
Tell him what you told us.
Thee is NO satisfaction in here for you; he can't even be depended upon to do the most mundane things. Sure, you can go on automatic bill pay via the net but that won't 'solve" the problem: he is lazy and doesn't care.
His solution is what??? What about you? there is No satisfaction in that whatsoever for you. He cops a feel, like he's some kind of ninth grader. How old IS this guy????
A talk with him and you tell him that he needs to start being a HUSBAND -- in all definition of the word -- and if he doesn't get rolling, you will, right out the door.
Horrible for you; get resolution for this problem. Let us know what happens.
since you have to always tke the initiative, sign the both of you up for some counseling. If you haven't sat down and been completely honest, you need to. Except it seems like you have and that he just doesn't listen or perhaps doesn't know where to start , then back to square one again. A counselor should help you get past that. He needs to pick up some slack around the house, maybe he needs to be told what to do? Like, honey help me out a second here and take the trash out while I finish the dishes. Hard to say no when it is polite and when you are already doing work you would have been doing anyways. A lot of times women use "hints" and while lap dances and fishnet stockings are pretty good hints, to a guy maybe you really did just reduce yourself to an object in his eyes? I personally wouldnt keep up the sexy acts, but would have a frank sex discussion where you can each voice your frustrations or what you need from the other person.
He needs motivation to be a husband again, if he ever was, and it would suck to wait for a divorce to light a fire under his behind.
Was it the wreck of the Hesperus? if it was, that was a pretty clear insight into his housecleaning skills.
If he started this mess after you got married, just plain wrong. You're not his servant: you are his wife. He has to get on the stick.