Married but no Wedding?

kt0522

First, I want to say hello to everyone. I am new here and this is my first post. So, Hello Also, sorry in advance if my topic is obscure. I wasn't really sure which board to post this under so I hope "Married Life" is suitable.

I am in a very unique (I think) situation and I'm feeling confused and.... wishy washy.

Background

My husband is from England. Before we got married, I lived here in the US and he lived in Germany (stationed there as a Royal Engineer for the English Army. Periodically, he would come over to visit me. I never traveled to him because I'm not as well off financially as he is and couldn't afford time away with my job and being a full-time student at the time as well. As our relationship grew, the amount of time he spent here was gradually increasing until, it got to the point that he started to have problems with customs/boarder patrol for spending so much time in America and was advised to attain a visa. He filed for a visa; got denied. Filed for a different type of visa the second time and again, a denial. These denials caused other problems about him coming to visit me but, that is a totally separate can of worms. Ultimately, we were at a point where we either ended our relationship because the cost of travel was no longer sustainable for him or we took it to the next level and get married. After some emotional discussions, I said yes to his online Skype "proposal" (if you can even call it that), and we started the journey of a K1 fiancé visa.

Engagement(?)

I doubt many of you know the extent of what happens when you want to marry a foreigner, or the constant strain it had on us as a couple, but let me just say, it is hell in a handbag! As we continued to financially drain ourselves in order to maintain our relationship, a majority of our engagement was spent apart as he was stuck in Germany, not allowed to travel to the US while a visa is pending and, the fear of not knowing if we were going to see each other again if we got denied again. Our engagement went with out a ring, pictures or any sort of anything people think about when a couple in engaged. In the end it all resulted in our favor as our visa got approved and, he came home to me for the final time (without a mandatory return to Europe date) on January 19, 2013. 

Getting Hitched

The K1 visa allows the fiancé of the petitioner to stay in the US up to 90 days until married and file for "adjustment of status" and blah, blah, blah, bureaucratic nonsense and so forth. For the sake of time and our own sanity, 10 days after he came home, we went down the the courthouse initially only to get our marriage license but, sporadically decided to marry right then and there, on the spot when asked, much to the dismay of my parents, who had requested to be present when we did it. As if our struggles to even get to that point with US policies weren't exhausting enough, his friends and family have left him high and dry pretty much since the beginning because of his decision to leave the Army and move here to marry me and now, my parents were mad at us too. This is the part that makes this whole wedding thing so hard. Luckily though, my parents got over it eventually when I told them we would still have a small wedding and reception around the time of our 1 year anniversary. 

A Wedding?

Now, our 1 year anniversary is fast approaching and the status of a wedding has not changed. His friends and family still hate him (and me even though I've never spoken to any of them), we are still financially struggling, we still do not have rings or anything. My Mom continually pushes wedding talks and it's so frustrating because I don't even know where to start! I can't talk to my husband about a wedding because it hurts him his family and friends refuse to be a part of his (new) life with me. Any mention about our wedding with him ends in no actual answers. Not even basic things like time frame, colors or location get any where. The only thing we have decided, is that his only groomsmen/best man will be his only new American friend and, my bridal party would consist of my only friend I have left from high school. So, I guess that's a step in the right direction?

Everyone talks about their wedding day being the happiest day of their lives and this "honeymoon phase" that we have yet to experience. A wedding is supposed to be about the couple getting married, but I really just feel like our wedding, if we rush into one, would be for everyone else just so we can carry on trying to do what's best for us in our relationship. At the same time I feel like I'm letting my parents down for not getting to have this experience (being their only daughter and the eldest of two children) but at the same time I don't know how to get my family off my back about it all.

Thanks for reading... 

Maybride2

Your story is sad. I'm sorry it was so hard to get a Visa; I've never been through the process, I have no idea how difficult it is. But it sounds like the 2 of you have bigger things to worry about than having a wedding - if you are struggling financially, throwing yourselves a worthless party seems to be a really really stupid thing to do. Of course his family is unhappy, he more or less abandoned them and his entire life for you. Of course your parents are sad, you had the chance to include them in your wedding ceremony but didn't. But guess what - what's done is done. The two of you are married now - even without a big party, even without rings, even without the hoopla and attention that most couple get. That is the choice that the two of you made by choosing to marry each other with all of the obstacles you had to face. Tell your mom gently but firmly that there won't be a wedding. Remind her that you're already married and that you have so many other things to worry about - like getting yourselves financially stable - and that a party just isn't in the cards. You can create other things to look forward to - a fabulous vacation, a house of your own, a family - and let go of the do-over wedding dream.

TattieSoup

So sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time of things and that you have not had the chance to properly enjoy your engagement and marriage.

How do you feel about a wedding? Do you want one, some day? Or are you happy to remember the day you actually got married and not worried about having a party? If you are not fussed about a wedding, why not hand the whole thing over to your parents. If they want a wedding, let them throw one, you can just turn up with your husband and go through the motions. If you are not personally invested in it then it won't matter too much that there are some important people missing and it will get your parents off your back and take out some of the stress.

Obviously if you do want to reserve the right to throw a proper wedding of your own when your family situation is calmer then you need to be honest with your parents and tell them that it is still on the cards but that you want to wait until things are resolved with your husband's family. They have no right to rush you into anything - if you had not already got married they would not be pushing like this, they have no right to force a wedding on you before you are ready just because the legal bit is done.

It sounds like what you really need is a honeymoon. Every couple should have the chance to get away together, spend time with each other and mentally process their change in status. It is especially important for you because your marriage process was so rushed and stressful. If you can afford it, maybe you could think about taking a holiday in Europe, and set aside a day or two of it to visit your husband's family, get to know them a little and make your peace.

TarponMonoxide

Everyone talks about their wedding day being the happiest day of their lives and this "honeymoon phase" that we have yet to experience. A wedding is supposed to be about the couple getting married, but I really just feel like our wedding, if we rush into one, would be for everyone else just so we can carry on trying to do what's best for us in our relationship. At the same time I feel like I'm letting my parents down for not getting to have this experience (being their only daughter and the eldest of two children) but at the same time I don't know how to get my family off my back about it all.

What do you guys want to do?:)

Sit down and discuss it! See what you'd like to do regarding a marriage celebration and perhaps some sort of a ceremony where you are living now, or at some kind of a destination.

Here is my unanimous vote:

Invite your immediate families and a handful of your nearest and dearest and have "the world's smallest and best wedding"!:)  What matters is the quality of people, not the quantity of people at your affair.

Take your time planning the event. Have it any time you want--- and I second the honeymoon. Not to worry if you didn't go on one right after you got married. Anything goes now. It's your choice when to go.

I know of a guy who got married at town hall and afterwards, they had a early dinner reception at a very local and nice restaurant for about 20 people. Out of all the weddings I have gone to, I still say his is the "biggest and best.":)

doeydo

Sorry, but you only get one wedding per marriage and it can't be called a "wedding" if no one is being wed.  I recommend this post: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/996776/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread/p1

MariaBend25

ughhh I hate the "no one gets two "weddings"" shpeal that is all over The Knot because everyone's situation is different and every individual person gets to make their own decisions regarding whether to have a second "wedding", a reception celebrating the marriage or whatever. Just as long as your family is on board, it works for you, and you aren't pissing off any close friends/relatives the opinion of strangers shouldn't matter...just don't put yourself out to slaughter over at The Knot.

However, it seems for your situation planning a wedding is the least of your worries. You need to get financially stable, you need to fix broken relationships, you need to strengthen your marriage and your husband's apparent depression ect ect. Work on these things, and explain to your mom how hard it has been and that the last thing on your mind is planning a big wedding celebration. That you would want to eventually get around to it or propose a "celebration"/big dinner party and see if that will tide her over.

For immigration, I have gone through the system with my husband. Currently waiting for the time requirement to get citizenship. If you need advice or further help with immigration, message me privately and I can try to help you out with what I know (you better have a file with all 'evidence" of your relationship, and yes pictures from a wedding really helps)

artbyallie

Here's the thing. Getting married, no matter how you do it, IS the wedding. It is not a dress nor a party nor anything else that makes a wedding save the actual act of being wed, hence the name. Pretending that any of those other things matter more is pretty offensive. Have a fabulous anniversary party, sure, nothing wrong with that. But it's childish to say you haven't had a wedding when you are already married, considering that that status comes with literally a thousand legal benefits.

lifeonthehill

I know you may want a wedding now but if you can't afford it don't do it. I am sorry your situation happened that way and I am all for a vow renewal down the road but don't hurt yourself financially over this.

Also. My wedding day was far from the happiest day of my life.

iteachkids81

I came into the US on a fiance visa. We planned our wedding around the timelines of immigration, so we did have the big wedding, but I understand that a lot of people in our situations don't, just because of the uncertainty of exact dates. Many people do a small formal (legal) wedding and then schedule the big fun reception after. 

I think it would be cool to do a vow-renewal. Maybe just a small backyard kind of deal. Have your closest friends and family over. Either have it catered or have your mom or someone help you make food. You can wear a white dress but you don't have to. I think most brides' #1 regret is how much money is spent on the wedding. If you are in a financially tight spot right now, a small get together might be worth saving money. (especially since you will need more money when it comes time for filing for adjustment of status, and then if he chooses to file for citizenship in a few years-even more $)

Leftie22

My wedding and the planning leading up to it were some of the UNhappiest times in my life!! It's stressful and people freak out about everything and make it a nightmare. So try not to focus too much on that one day. Lots of brides get pressured into doing their weddings a certain way for family and friends, so you're not alone in that. I would recommend that you just be honest with your parents, and say that a wedding would be too painful to plan while your DH isn't speaking to his family. They should value your feelings and your unique situation more than just having the event so they can have the experience. In the meantime, take some time to nurture your relationship and relax after everything you've been through. Go away for the weekend, or something else nice where you can celebrate finally jumping through all those hoops. Everyone else can have their expectations, but you just need to take care of yourself and your DH. Wishing you the best!

GilliC

Wedding =/= Marriage. The definitions are different. Whatever. People here and The Knot can get their panties in a bunch if you have a party and call it a wedding, but since you're probably not inviting them, don't worry about it. Anyone who really cares about you or your FI/H shouldn't care that you're already married, because they care about you.

Okay, now that we got that out of the way...

You're not the only one in a sticky situation. My H was in the US on an H1 work visa while we were planning our wedding. We set a date. We booked stuff and paid deposits. Then his jerk of a boss threatened to send him back home. We met with a USCIS agent and found out that he couldn't apply for the K1 as long as he was in the US, and we had no idea if/when he'd be leaving! Since our wedding was in 6 months, there was a chance that the groom might not be able to attend the wedding. So we got married. Then he was eligible for a faster visa if he did get sent home unexpectedly. People knew about it, and people didn't care. As far as we were concerned, we didn't consider ourselves married until we said vows in a church. The official marriage was just administrative nonsense that we had no intention of celebrating.

So that's my story.

Now back to yours.

If you can't afford the wedding, don't do it. If you want to have a small wedding to incorporate your family/religion/etc that may have been missing from the original administrative paperwork event, then do that. But as PPs have said, wedding planning is stressful under the best of circumstances. Don't put yourself under the stress because you feel you have to. Especially if there's tension with his friends/family surrounding your marriage.

kt0522

Thank you everyone, for your positive feed back and support! I don't feel quite so alone. In particular with the immigration thing.

If you asked...

Q: Do I want a wedding?

A: I kinda want a wedding....? But really, I think I just want a reception/party, like some of you have mentioned. I've got ideas about just a small informal wedding at a metro park this summer to help tide my parents over. I'm just afraid to make a decision like that and then not be happy I did it that way instead of waiting and having something for both sides of the family. I suppose I could do both (eventually) but would it really be all the special the second time around?

As an aside: being a martial arts instructor, most of my students still call me by my maiden name currently and, the reception/party was going to help mark when the name change at work would be initiated. I'm going to be testing for my next rank of black belt in July 2014. If I pass, I will get a new belt and uniform with my new name which would help with the name change. So, I want to do something this year at some point. Just what exactly that something will entail is up in the air.

Q: Why don't I go try and make amends with his family?

A: Absolutely out of the question. By way of my DH, my presence would probably just make family tensions worse. His German (mother's side) family doesn't speak English and I can only speak a little bit of German from my 3 yrs in HS so that would just be awkward! Let alone, it's primarily his English (father's side) family who is upset he has "tainted" the gene pool. His dad got enough flak when he married a German but an American is like blasphemy (being the only son)! Since they are my family now, whether they like it or not, I'm not going anywhere and I've got nothing but time until they decide to come around.

Q: Why don't you two go on your Honeymoon?

A: We want to. We REALLY want to. This is the one thing we HAVE chosen. We want to go to Hawaii! The only place in the world exotic and nice enough to spend our honeymoon that my DH HASN'T been to! Again though, $$ is the issue. Timing plays a factor in this one as well. Again my martial arts takes a lot. I am required to travel monthly to regional tournaments (~$300) and, 1-3 times a year to national & world events ($2500+). H only comes to the big events with me as to keep costs low regionally.

---------

I have a few other questions now:

1) Neither of us are religious. Who do we have solemnize our wedding? My mom keeps recommending one of her new friends. I'm not comfortable with that suggestion though, for personal reasons I don't feel I should divulge publicly, let's just say lifestyle differences.

2) I don't know where to start with this planning nonsense. One person suggested just handing it over to my parents. Which almost sounds inviting except that whole issue I mentioned above. Has anyone taken this approach? 

3) Am I the worse bride ever taking no interest in planning my own wedding?

Leftie22

His family sounds awful - I'm sorry!! I know what it's like to be seen as the outsider who "ruined" the family, and it sucks. (I'm a different religion and cultural background than my DH, and his family hates me too.) As for your questions, 1) you could meet some JPs and just get a feel for one that you like. It doesn't have to be someone you're super close to, just pick someone who's personality and style meshes with what you and your DH want. 2) Do NOT just hand over planning to your parents!! Sit down with your DH and make a list of what each of you thinks is important to include in a wedding. Throw out what you don't care about, and include what both of you think it important or enjoyable. Do what you want, and what you can afford. It doesn't have to be big or complicated. 3) No, you're not the worst! I hate weddings, and I hated planning my own. I'm just not into any of the traditions, and with DH and I having different backgrounds, I was always pissing someone off with what I wanted to do. I wish I had just done what I wanted and paid for it myself, because I could have. Instead, while trying to be considerate of DH's family, we got bullied and manipulated into a wedding that I absolutely hated!! Nothing about it represented me or my DH. This is why I say you should plan your own. Keep it simple. If you don't care about some aspect of it (having flowers, a white dress, walking down the aisle, etc,) just don't do it! And pay for it yourselves, so you don't feel obligated to anyone. Good luck, it's too bad that weddings are so stressful! I hope you find something fun and enjoyable to do!!

MariaBend25

1) being religious doesnt necessarily mean having no religious belief. ie. I am not very "religious" as in I don't go to church more than a couple times a year, but I come from a Catholic family and was raised in the Catholic faith. So does your family or his have a religious background? If so, use that religion for the basis for your vow renewal/religious ceremony. If you honestly don't identify or want to identify with a particular sect, then maybe you have some basic beliefs you might want to incorporate...like the "love is patient and kind..." reading from the Bible? or a basic reference to "God" if you believe in a single god.

2) get some of your other things in line before starting to plan. seriously, you are right wedding planning is stressful and if you both are already stressed due to a million other circumstances don't throw a wedding in to the mix. If you are going to plunge away regardless, then pick a venue, set a date. Do something off-season (Oct-March) to save on money. Choose your favorite color or two. Boom there is your colors, your venue (which normally comes with the food, or choose a place that uses their own kitchen so you dont have to get a caterer), and then enlist your mom to make the guest list of your family. Keep things cheap, use basic invitations, incorporate your color with tablecloths/chair covers. Use a cheap centerpiece like candles/pictures/cute nicknacks. Get a DJ not a band (they are cheaper) mine was 1000 for the whole night service, you can probably find cheaper. Get a dress however you want, short white dress, birdcage veil? 

3) no, you have other things to worry about right now. some girls never dreamed about their "big day" and that is OK. what seems not ok is just throwing away money on a wedding that you dont want or even need since you are already technically married and not desiring a big blowout/religious ceremony ect. your original question was more along the lines of how to talk to your mom and discuss things with your husband because she was pressuring you and he understandably doesnt want to plan a wedding through his hurt. Did things change, or did you all have a discussion and make a decision on what to do?

kt0522

MariaBend25 said:

your original question was more along the lines of how to talk to your mom and discuss things with your husband because she was pressuring you and he understandably doesnt want to plan a wedding through his hurt. Did things change, or did you all have a discussion and make a decision on what to do?

I have not spoken to my mom about anything in particular regarding this as of late. I'm just getting prepared for what I want to say. I know talks are about to start up again with our anniversary just over a month away. But in hearing what you all had to say I thought of other things. No decisions made, I'm just reaching out right now, trying to figure it all out.

Kimbus22

Well, you had a wedding.  It was when you exchanged vows.  What you didn't have was a party.  And it seems like you can't afford one now so I don't really see what the issues is.  You tell your mother that you're sorry but you have other things to deal with and since you're already married, it just isn't a priority or a possibility right now.  You let you H deal with his family as he sees fit.

BulgariHeart

Yeah I kind of agree with the PP. Not to take away from your troubles but you two did, in fact, make a conscious decision when you got married when you did and like many other adult decisions, it came with consequences. Thousands of people marry foreigners and still fulfill their priorities, you have wanted to get married and did, so now my advice to you is to enjoy your marriage instead of wanting it all. No one has it all. I wanted to get married five years into my love story, well we are able to have our dream wedding 14 1/2 years into it because of immigration and legal status continued to take precedence over it. Every day we could have gone down to the courthouse but we had different plans so pressed on through all that we've gone through. You story is different, it is unique to the two of you and what you deemed was the best solution to your problems at the time, after much aggravation and duress. It's not necessarily wrong nor is there anything necessarily missing from the way it happened for you. You just have to shift you outlook on it. You have a marriage, yay, a big chunk of your problems is solved, isn't that what you wanted?!

MariaBend25

OP: good luck with those talks! always do what is best for your relationship, don't ever compromise the health of your marriage to make others happy.

(this goes for wedding planning too if you ever choose to do it, everyone has an opinion, and in the end no matter what you do not everyone is happy with your plans or someone gets upset you sat them at the "wrong" table...so do what works for the two of you).